What crimes has /b committed? I've stolen in the past -

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>>737369704
Bump

>>737370220
why not share your own instead of bumping

>>737369704
I once shot a man in Reno just to watch him die.

i stole pizza.

>>737370567
what kind?

>>737370613
a baking pan with various tastes

> be 17
> be drunk with friends
> walk past open construction area
> see keys in forklift
> start forklift
> joy ride around site
> pile bunch of random shit together from around work site into 15 foot tall pile
> flip a few portapotties
> leave forklift running, in gear, with steering cranked so it's doing slow donuts in the yard
> hear about on news a day later

>>737369704
Ovi, possession of a controlled susbstance-pot 26g's- possession of paraphenalia-4 counts-open container -2counts-driving without a license, driving without insurance, failure to comply, obstruction of justice and assault on an officer. I served 4 years, the assault was expunged since I didn't try to hit the cop, my arms outstretched and i fell at him when the other tazed me.

>>737369704
I have spoken against jews, niggers and sandniggers publicly.
And I still continue to do very much so.

>>737370807
>a baking pan with various tastes

what did he mean by this?

>>737369704
Manufucature & distribute illicit substance

Too many to list anon

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>>737371121
like this with 4 different combinations in a single pan

Got arrested for DUI after taking one of those dark web research chemicals. Guy I got it from said to take half of it because it was super strong, so I only took a third.

I was fucked up as all hell and only remember about 15 minutes worth of the next 12 hours.

That shit is evil I don't suggest ever messing with those research chemicals.

>>737371284
try me

Sometimes I buy bulk foods, like almonds for example, and I write down a different number code so I can ring them up for cheaper.

Not sure how I sleep at night.

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>>737369704
I posted this image

>>737369704
Drugs, prostitution, organizing trailer park fights

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>>737370842
epic.

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>>737371436
what a rush

>>737370842
Fake and gay

>>737371518
Cunt

It was a week after Christmas and a bunch of people had there trees on the sidewalks waiting to be picked up.
Me and a friend get drunk and decide to light one on fire for shits and giggles.
My drunk self didn't realize how close the tree was to a car.
Tree caught fire, and the car along with it.
It was a 2015 BMW too.

>>737369704

Crimes....

>>Driving under the influence, under age (13), and wrecklessly (almost drove into a cop car).

So my mom liked going to the beach at night and get shitfaced. And would bring us kids along to drive her home when she got too drunk to drive.

This night my sister's friend Ashley came along, and I was driving back in the Mazda RX-7, and attempting to show off for Ashley... I drove like an asshole down an alley way and turned into a plaza, where a cop was parked right there.

Slammed the brakes... and my Mom and I just stared out the window at the cop car, then at each other, she then said "Switch!".

We swapped seats, and I proceeded to shove the beer cans up my pants leg so the cops wouldn't see them (this was back when Jnco's were the thing to wear).

Yeeeaaahhh... we didn't fool the cops.

>>737371431
Sold dope, grown dope, shot a bunch of niggers in the knees when I was a teenager, stabbed a nigger in the throat once but it was in self defense, stolen just about everything, trafficking guns illegally, beat up people, made meth, cheated on my taxes, insider stock trading, assault and batter, breaking and entering grand larceny. Been to prison and I'm clean now but I have made lots of mistakes

>>737370842
Yeah fuck off. I drive literally every kind of forklift and I'll tell you right now unless you've had prior experience you wouldn't even be able to fucking start it.

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>>737371941
riiiiiiiiight

>>737371647
Yeah honestly activated almonds are like 3x more due to the time-intensive activation process so I ring them up as raw.

Weed, shrooms and coke.
Never been arrested, only things I can think off
because being a cocky cunt isn't a crime

>>737371989
He probably this its an internal combustion engine too.

>>737371941
Well, you listed them

>>737372053
100 % percent true anon. I'm 43 and was a total fuck up most of my life

>>737371989
How I started it.
> get on forklift
> open diesel fuel cutoff valve
> press glowplug button for 5 - 10 seconds
> turn key
Voila, it fucking started.
Not every young person is mechanically inept.

Tresspassing, I wasn't caught tho

>>737372140
And the coke thing was only 1 key, so idk if I should even count that

>>737371518
i dont have a mum i have a mother

>>737372160
Yeah they are more but those are the most serious ones

When the synthetic shit was still legal a buddy and i smoked it in front of every cop we saw. We never drove or were beligerent so we couldnt get any intoxication charges.

cpppppppppppppp

LOVE IT

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>>737372187
riiiiiiiight

>>737369704
I threatened to kill Obama.

Didn't get arrested, just a very long interview with the detective.

All in Britain so under British common law (may be different in your territories)

Possession of a Class B substance
Possession with intent to supply a class B substance
Possession of a Class A substance
Driving without due care and attention
Driving under the influence
Driving without a valid license
Assault
ABH
Theft
Affray

Some more of those really, minor stuff and never been brushed by the law

>>737369704
Poached a bird today
trespassing
grand Larsen
petty theft
possesion of maryjuana
breaking curfew
driving with more than one passenger (When i was 16) driving 30 over the speed limit
breaking and entering
Selling marijuana
piracy

>>737369704
I... t-tore a tag off my mattress <:(

>>737371863

cont'd

>>Possession of a controlled substance, contributing to the delinquency of minors

A buddy of mine asked me to get him the biggest bottle of Vodka I could. Had my moms go buy me a bottle at the packey (my moms is going to be a constant theme in these stories... just letting you know).

1 fucking gallon of the cheapest vodka. Bottle literally just said "VODKA" on it.

Bring to school for friend.

He skipped school... WITH OUT ME!

He never skips with out me, that dick!

So I drank his vodka, fuck him. I was filling water bottles with it and just getting shitfaced all day long. Handing it out to friends. And just getting shit faced.

I drank a LOT for a 14 year old boy that weighs 100 lb. Like we're talking nearly 2 liters.

I had alcohol poisoning.

In history class.
Group Session.
Put tables together.
Pick up desk with bookbag on it and squeeze to chest to move it.
Bookbag falls.
All I hear is "poomp"... like a quiet little pop.

Everyone else heard "KIRSHMASH!"

Teacher was cool (this is Florida in the 90's), let me sit at his desk for rest of period "reading" some history book.

Later that day, still wearing vodka soaked backpack, stinking like vodka.

Walk right pass vice principal to PE.

"anon, go to the office right now"
"but gym"
"office"

I go to office, he comes in a few minutes later as I'm getting up to run to nurse.

"anon, my office now"
"nurse!"
"no, office"
"nurse!"
"OFFICE!"
--HOOOOOORRRRRKKKKK--

All over his really nice Italian leather shoes.

>>737372455
Is true. Feel free to AMA

>>737372615
cont'd

Moms is called into the school.

Finds me in nurse room.

They're questioning me... I'm answering their questions. Except for one... they keep circlling back to:

"Who bought you the vodka"

--HOOOOOORRRKKKKKK--

"How much did you drink?"

"Ummm, like 4 water bottles worth."

"Can you tell us where you got it?"

--HOOOOOOORRRRRKKKKK--

On the drive home my moms told me how proud of me she was for not being a fucking pussy ass rat.

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>>737372624
No, I'd rather not hear more of your made up bullshit.

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Today I stole a single After Eight chocolate from a box that was already open at the supermarket.

Felt like a total gangsta.

>>737372922
Sure thing anon

>>737372802
Keep it goin

>>737369704
My default answer to this is the same I give the cops every time they try to arrest me for something, "sir, I have done nothing wrong".

Works every time. It sure is nice to be white.

>>737371555
No one gonna comment on these trips?

Checked anon

>>737372802
cont'd

>>Launching of a deadly missile

OK... OK... this one sounds fucking weird, I know. But that's the technical term for what I did. I was pulled over years later and when they ran my record and heard the laundry list of felonies and misdameanours, they were just confused... then that one landed and the cop was just like

"Wait, what... can you repeat that one?" (to the lady on the radio), "Launching of a deadly missile? Kid... wtf you do?"

"Uhhh.... it was a peppermint candy."

...

See, I moved to Florida when I was 13 and I had no friends yet. So I was sent to hang out with my degenerate cousin... person... this like psuedo member of the family. My family did this weird thing where we unofficially adopted all the stray kids in our white trash neighbourhood.

Anyways... this kid was and still is a giant fuck up. Honestly I'm blown away he ain't dead... most all of the kids I hung out with back then are dead (no lie... like 25 of my friends, and 5 of my immediate family members... dead)

Anyways, we ride the bus around town a bit, then it goes towards downtown when we want to go the other way.

So we hop off the boss and start hoofing it home.

Were on this major road, like 8 lanes, but goes through the woods (we lived out west from the city in the swampy bits of South Florida).

I was fiddling with these mini-cigar things that came in a paper pouch we called 'bidis'... they kept falling out of the pouch in my pocket.

While this... cousin of mine was whipping peppermint candies into traffic. He had a pocket full which we took from the Taco Bell a few hours earlier.

He hits a car, and the pull over, and starts running after us. My cousing drops his skateboard and zoom, he's off.

>>737371555
You sound like you are from my neck of the woods

Shit, what else.
Possessed, sold, and manufactured weed and oil/shatter.
Made a pirate phone by stripping the end off a normal corded phone and attaching alligator clips to the wires. Phone boxes in back allies used to be very easy to access. Didn't even need bolt cutters, usually a crescent wrench was enough.
Made all kinds of improvised explosive out of shit from the hardware store.
General lil bastard type stuff.

>>737373388
cont'd

Now this is when I should tell you... I'm not from Florida. I'm from a small town in New England. (hence the packey from before)

My town don't have cops.

Our cops are the state troopers from 3 towns over. And are staffed mostly by my cousins.

So if you got in trouble, and IF you even got caught... they just brought you home and laughed well my pops kicked the shit out of you in the front yard.

In Florida.... the cops like to fuck you up, then put you in jail, and then laugh while the courts fuck you up.

So here I am naively standing there as this giant ass redneck runs up on me and I'm just like "WASN'T ME, IT WAS THAT FUCKER!" pointing off to my cousin riding into the dark.

At this point a FL Highway Patrolman passes by on his way to work, pulls over, and is about to clear the situation since I was innocent... when a local cop rolls up.

Local cop has jurisdiction.

Local cop steps out of car....

"Hey Anon... guess what, I have a car now! Put your hands on its hood."

>>737372383
Fucking dirty cunt.

KYS.

Don't even bother with the live stream. You're that unimportant

>>737369704
Cracked the skull of a rapist, i caught him red handed, grabbed a steel pipe and rammed it into the back of his head with full force.

DUI and all associated laws
Reckless driving
Felony projectile from/at moving vehicle
Felony drug possession
Felony drug distribution
Across state lines
Felony gun charges associated with poss drugs/alch
Vandalism
Illegal fireworks for my state
Underage possession previously
Assault - court
Disorderly conduct - court
Theft
Contributing to the delinquency of a minor
Indecent exposure
Drunk in public
Zoning violations -court
Speeding - ticketed
Discharge of a firearm within a residence / negligent discharge

Never been in serious trouble somehow , probably missed a few simple ones. But everything posted here only a fool would believe it

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>>737371518
I posted these images.

I shoplifted a little when a little when I was in high school.
Mostly just for fun

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>>737370313
>be chillin with nig nog friend during 8th grade after school
>walk by school and decide to break in
>he writes his gang names "Sages" on the whiteboard
>he destroys a fountain and little kids garden
>i call him an asshole and steal really shitty old laptop
>get home and factory reset and get new os
>go to school next day feeling like a boss cuz I'm so not getting caught
>as im telling my best friend about it the school guy walks in and calls me
>they traced the io to my house
>spill the beans to cop at school
>went on probation and got off early
>love being white

>>737373773
7S AND 3SSSSS

I got cited on bourbon street with Bill Nye's nephew for underage drinking, cost us each 500 for a lawyer, but shit got dropped :^)

>>737373891
Manufacturing mj oil / moonshine
Driving with expired tags - court
Serving alcohol to minors
...

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>>737370349

>>737371989
This guy is 100% correct it took me over 3 months to learn the start process of our work fork lift, i got put in the advanced force and we got to start the machines and vehicles.

Not everyone knows how to start them, >>737370842 This guy is a liar, i know this because i drive fork lifts. Also i drive a scissor lift around and operate it.

>>737373726
cont'd

So I need to back up right now and explain something.

See my cousin was a little fucking shithead. And there was this bike cop in town. He really liked throwing pebbles at the guy and oinking. Then making fun of him for being a bike cop.

I would usually be standing nearby like "what is going on here?"

Anyways... this cop got a car now.

And he recognizes me.

I mean... I am from family Anon... we're all pretty recognizable, and pretty shitty people.

This is another I need to put to the side... these are stories of my arrests! See my pops always told me growing up "you never get busted for the 10 kilos of coke, you get busted for failing to use your turn signal... so, when you break the law, break them one at a time"

Well... I always got busted for failing to use my turn signal.

The cops just KNEW that me and my family were up to some way more heinous shit behind the scenes... we'll get to those.

Anyways... copper puts me face down in the back of his car. Calls my bidis miniature blunts, and proceeds to take the scenic route to the city jailhouse, rather than the town one. And proceeds to throw me in the bull pin with the grown men.

You know... to teach me a lesson.

I step in the bull pin..

"WTF are you doing in here?"
"Uhhhhh.... launching of a deadly missile?"
"WAT? Do you play spades?"
"Yeah!"

>>737374166
It took you how long?
Holy shit, you're too retarded to operating heavy machinery.
Forklift course is like a day. Just got mine updated last year.
Seriously? 3 months.

>>737374196
cont'd

>>Felony Burglary

So around 16 or 17 I moved out of my parents house because my moms nearly shot me. She was trying to kill herself in her bedroom with my granddads gun (the one he killed himself with). At the last second she decided to not do it and rather unload the chamber into her closet wall.

The wall that mirrored my bedroom.

Anyways... this combined with a huge fight I had with my brother up in Daytona where he stranded me on the side of the road and my buddy had to drive up from SoFla and get me.

I moved in with said friend and his family. They were cool peeps.

100 bucks a week, and I got warm dinners, and a bed (yeah... my moms didn't cook).

Anyways... one night me and my buddy are eating some acid and watching an 8 hour LP VHS of Beavis & Butthead when we get bored of this stupid shit and decide to walk down the street to the elementary school.

Long story short...

We knocked down all the new landscaping.

Took a shit in the courtyard

Smashed a bunch of shit

And then found ourselves in the back by the cafeteria kitchen door fighting over a broom. I wanted to play witches and broomsticks, and my buddy wanted a turn. So I hold onto the kitchen door handle while he yanks... and

poomp - verrrrrrrrrrr

The door just pops open. The sound of the clean air fan above the door wurring as the door is open.

Amazed by the noise... we keep closing it and reopening it.

Like I said... we were on some LSD.

We got bored and continued on our way.

>>737374475
Yes i drive real forklifts.
You probably live with your mom and don't even drive them.

>>737374746

Now we're in the front of the school. I have found a palette of newspapers, and I'm shoving them one by one into the sewer because the monster down there told me it was hungry and its favourite food is the gazette.

My buddy is a few feet away with a bicycle just smashing it to pieces.

And that's when out of the corner of my eyes I see a cop pull into the school.

CHEEZ IT!

We start running when I notice... shit, that wasn't the first cop pulling in.

That was the last cop pulling in.

We're surrounded.

Like 12 cop cars.

Cops just out.... watching us.

Like it's a fucking TV show.

I'm in the middle of a field and I immediately just start dumping drugs from my pockets, putting my hands in the air, turning and walking towards the cops.

"STOP RUNNING DUDE, YOU DON'T WANT THEM CATCHING YOU!"

Well, my buddy didn't listen.

He got yanked from a fence, thrown to the ground, and beat... profusely.

"Told ya you didn't want to get caught dude."

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>>737372599
That rule is only for stores

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>>737374860
check this numb nuts.

>>737375391
Cool man? You must be really great to work with showing off you big card.
I bet you haven't even used a 10ton lift.

>>737375112
cont'd

So now I'm in court.

I'm sitting there dressed in my sunday best with my moms.

She's chatting with a friend, the mother of one of my friends (not the kid from this story... this is another kid... he's insane, we'll get to him later.. the buddy I committed this crime with has his court date another day)

This is when they lead in the juvies, in their oranges, and sit them down in the front.

And who is that in line?

The son of the moms sitting next to me and my mum.

He sees his ma, smiles to her... then notices me.

"ANON! DUDE! SEE YOU ON THE INSIDE BRO!"

Mother fucker is all happy, he got a friend coming to hang with him in jail.

Judge... he's just staring at me.

My mom is like "shit... you're fucked dude... ummm, lets call your father."

We page him (he drove truck), he rings us back, and we explain the situation.

"Shit... you're fucked son. I'll try and call someone..."

(you might be wondering wtf is going on, how am I not in the courtroom right now... if so, you never been to court and don't know hey they deal with case load. They take on like 100+ cases a day and just bust through them one by one alphabetically. You spend most of the time just sitting in the pews waiting your turn.)

We get a call back.

"OK... I got you a lawyer. He'll be there in 15."

wat?

Lawyer shoes up, I talk to him in the hallway. He walks over opens the door and looks at the DA and Judge.

"I got this... give me 5 minutes"

I'm suspicious of something.

He goes in, comes back 5 minutes later. He has beaten the charge down to a misdameanor trespassing charge. 3 months probation, no hours, no nothing... just don't get arrested for 3 months. And I'm not allowed to hang with my buddy I committed the crime with.

>>737375951
cont'd

Now note... I was facing felony burglary... and this was actually going to be my 3rd.

3 strikes... guaranteed prison.

This guy just pulled off a fucking miracle.

And I knew why in that moment.

Fuckers a mob lawyer.

My pops must have called in a favor to some peoples he had done work for years ago when I was a baby (we ended up in Florida for a reason... we had to leave our home area, but Florida still had healthy connections to our home area that we could do well).

So knowing this...

I grinned and said "I don't know man, that's my best friend. I can't not hang out with my best friend."

Dude man goes back inside and negotiates out the restraining order with my friend.

...

Best day ever!

>>737375682
This is so fucking dumb and convoluted. It started by telling about a time when I was young and took a forklift on a joyride around a work site after hours. Then it became about whether I could even drive a forklift or start one.
Now you're sidetracking with some unrelated bullshit about 10 ton lifts.
No, I've never used one. Haven't needed to. But given the caliber of person you are, it can't be difficult.

>>737369704
Nice try FBI

>>737376164
cont'd

OK, so I'm done telling stories where I got caught. They're certainly hilarious, but I got caught. So I'll move on.

>>Assaulting a police officer (the story about that kid in the last story)

All right... that kid from before that called me out in the courtroom.

He's a fucking lunatic.

He also has an older brother who is best friends with my.... brother?

OK, again... my family takes in strays. And we treat them like family, call them family, so on so forth. This guy was like 15 when he moved in and was dating my 13 year old sister.

Yes... my parents not only allowed their 13 year old to date a 15 year old. They let said 15 year old move in, and sleep in her room.

Cause my parents are fucking classy as fuck!

...

Side story
>>One night when I was 13 I had a slumber party with 3 of my friends. At 2am we all marched outside with blankets in tow to sleep in the front yard.
>>My moms comes out screaming "what the fuck you think we are, white trash!?"
>>"Yes, mom... we are."

Now I REALLY want to tell you this brother's name. My brothers have some fucking weird ass names. But this one takes the cake... but anonymity.

Ugh....

Fuck it.

TRBO

No, not Turbo... Trbo.

Anyways... we're at his buddies house. And they're fighting over something stupid. The two of them would just get into a fucking hissy about something and start beating the ever loving shit out of each other.

It was like fun.

It's how my family works... you got a problem, kick the shit out of each other.

>>737376361
I don't even care.
Your a loser anyway, go home and tell your mom.

>>737376164
Thanks for sharing

>>737369704
>>737375084
>>737374672
>>737374973
>>737375084

>>737369704
I drove like 7 over the speed limit one time

>>737369704
>>737375084
>>737374672
>>737374973
>>737375084

stroking it in public a crime?

>>737376844
cont'd


side story
>>one night I get in a fight with my brother, a different one, and he start punching me in the head. So I get up, walk over to the wall and grab a dog leash off it. Turn back and just swing and wrap it around his head. He gets up picks me up and body slams me through the door into the living room. We're on the floor bloodying each other as my moms screams and hollars "I'm calling your father". She leaves the room to get the phone. By the time she gets back we're done fighting, sitting on the couch watching sponge bob, and reminiscing about the fight."

So anyways... my brother is beating the shit out of his friend in front of his friends house.

His younger brother and I are just sitting there watching... just drinking beer, and hooting and hollaring... like it's TV.

That's when dude man's mom comes out and screams she's calling the cops.

Now they lived way the fuck out in nowhere. Like dirt roads and canals and gators and shit. So it takes the cops a while to get out here.

The fight simmers down enough that my brother slips out of it. His buddy is still angry and is just smashing shit in the front yard. Kicking chairs, throwing beer bottles, having a hissy.

We leave.

That's when we see the cop cars... a line of them... come hauling down the dirt road. We hop into the bushes and watch as they get out of their cars and proceed to fuck the older brother up.

They just dove out their cars, like 12 cops, and are just fucking wailing on this guy.

His moms is all screaming "NOT HIM, HE WAS THE VICTIM!"

They start wrestling the guy into the cop car when younger brother comes running the fuck up all he-man and shit and starts kicking the shit out of cops.

Putting heads through windows, fucking wailing on their asses.

He was like a little ninja just jumping all over the fucking place, on top of the cop car, flying kick into a cops head... it was fucking awesome!

They finally tether him down and throw him into a cop car.

Hit and run.
Bumped into another car at about 5 mph. It was winter and the roads were iced up bad.
But since the car I hit was a Chevy Citation, and the car I was driving was a Mercury Zephyr.......and the combined value of both cars was less than a $1000, I didn't think the cops would care anyway.
The rubber bumpers on the Zephyr bent, and left a black smudge on the Citations bumper.
Thing it would be a literal "buff out".

>>737369704
Possession, distribution, trespassing, petty theft, simple assault, public intoxication, DUI, corruption of a minor, underage drinking, illegal gambling. I think that covers most of it

>>737375951
bribed?
i cant think of another explanation for that kind of charge for the crime.

>>737373793
> prob shouldn't be a crime

>>737377241

So the cops all speed pass, and my brother and I emerge from the woods and start walking home.

We get to the end of the street to that busy road from before in the deadly missile story. And that's when one more cop comes pealing out of our buddies place and up the road.

He must have stayed behind to finish up paperwork with moms.

He sees us and pulls over.

"Hey you kids... what're you doing?"

"Uhhhhh.... walking home"

"Where's home?"

"Uhhhh.... a few miles that way, by the middle school."

"Hrm... hop in, I'm heading that way."

We just got a ride home from the arresting officer who was SUPPOSED to be out looking for US.

...

Anyways, that kid was the one who called me out at court.

And he'd do it time and time again. Another time I was with my PO, and the way his office was positioned the chair I sat in was parrallel to his desk. So when I sat he was to my left, and the door was immediately to my right (small office).

I just took a drug test, and it came up positive... but only slightly (I'm skinny, no fat for the THC to bind with... yes, that's how THC works, and is why it stays in your system for 30 days, it binds with your fat which then as you slowly burn it off it gets deposited in your urine over time)

Anyways, this mother fucker comes walking down the hall and steps in the door. Interrupts my PO. And proceeds to talk shop with me.

"Ahhh shit dude, you hear bout Anon, fucker got his ass beat behind the Winn-Dixie... he should have fucking known better bro. He ain't having kids ever, know I mean?"

"Duuuuuuuuuuuude..... my POooooooooo"

"Sorry mate, I gotcha I gotcha" and leaves.

Fucking PO is like "hrmm, this is probably like second hand smoke or something... you need to stop hanging with bad people like that."

"I know sir, I know... I try to avoid him all I can."

>>737377691

I explain in the next part of the story... check it

>>737376164

Got ban on /b/ once for a stupid reason

Why hello there, definitely not FBI OP. Why don't I just confess my felonious behaviors on a public website that actively tracks all ip addresses. Newfriends, please don't post in these threads. If you you'd lurk moar, you'd know this already.

>>737377758
absolutely shouldn't be a crime
murderers can have their way with rapists. they are the shitstains on humanities' underwear and we don't want them.

>>737378256
>>murderers can have their way with rapists
in my book, i mean
and no, don't rape them. pls.

>>737378046
How did you manage that?

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>>737372187
Did you join the ab? Are you posting from prison on a smuggled phone?

>>737377850
cont'd

So the older brother of that kid. He was a little less crazy... but still fucking crazy.

I remember he used to drive vans into pawn shops, tie a chain to the safe, and yank em' out.

We once did this to a medical supply facility for a tank of nitrous oxide, and a shit ton of ketamine. We were fucking shrank for weeks.

Anyways...

>>assault and vigilantism

So for a while we had to live in this tiny as apartment complex. It was so small some of my brothers had to sleep on the balcony since there was no room.

When we moved out, that cousin from while back... his family moved into the same unit, and lived the same way.

At this time one of the kids in the plaza was raping his little siblings... like like 4 year olds. Making them suck his dick, and nasty shit.

The courts did jack all about it... not enough evidence... some shit. (hell, won't lie... it may have been made up about him)

So my pops hears nothing came of it and decides we'll take care of it.

My brother, his buddy (the older brother of the 2 crazies) and I are tasked in finding the kid and breaking his face.

So again, back on that road heading through the woods in the rural ass area. We find him riding his bike.

We close lined his ass and proceeded to beat the shit out of him. That's when my brother's buddy tells us to back away, he's gonna do something.

See he was a soccer player... and well this kid... we all called him 'crow' because he had this giant as fucking honker of a nose.

So dude man starts backing up, then running toward the kid, and WHACK.

This kids nose fucking exploded, like fireworks. Shit was literally split in two.

I never seen that before.

Never fucking seen a fucking nose SPLIT IN TWO.

We leave, head home, tell pops.

Pops says "all right, now, do we know what apartment is his?"

being a degenerate good for nothing

I fapped while watching this. https://youtu.be/SaxFyrw5JhM

>>737372599
How do you sleep at night? Oh wait lol.

>>737378670

So my dad has just kicked down the door to this kids place. He walks in pass the wife and into the living room and proceeds to break the father over the coffee table.

My moms is in the kitchen pulling the frying pan from the wife's hands (which she ran to grab to defend her husband), and proceeds beating her with it.

Were just standing there watching from the doorway.

My dad just standing over the father of this rapist shithead and says "if you can't fucking raise your kid right, then I'll fucking raise you right. You got tonight to leave town, if I ever see you again, I'll be burying you in my backyard."

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>>737373726
You should write a book, seriousness .

>>737378893
cont'd

So like... this sort of surprised me when it happened.

Like... this is a thing?

Like... I thought that shit was in stories/movies... that kind of thing.

Like this don't happen.

But then I find out... this ain't the first time. And it ain't even just my pops known for doing it.

So when I lived back in New England we lived in some section 8 shit holes... at this time I was with my biological moms... she's.... mentally ill, lives on welfare, and sold me to my dad when I was 12 for 75k.

Cause my older brother (yet another one... this one is my biological half brother from my moms... who some how got my dad as custody of him, dafuq)... my older brother convinced my mom I needed a father figure or I'd be a "fag for ever" (jokes on him, I still suck dick mother fucker)... and she figured ok, but she needs to get some money from it.

Anyways, when I lived there, my older brother got kicked out of my dads house. He was sleeping with my moms... well, not my bio mom, my mom the one I call mom... and my dads current wife, well current at the time. They all dead now. Anyways, he was sleeping with her, then stopped, and she burned him by framing him for killing the dog or some shit. I don't know, I wasn't there.

So he showed up at my bio mom's place and was sleeping on the couch and hanging out with local cousins of ours.

He started hanging out with this group of kids in the neighbourhood who moved up from New Haven... trying to get away from the ghetto in New Haven (ever been there? It's pretty bad)

Anyways, my brother's dad killed himself. Hung himself in the closet and some shit. He killed ms florida back in 78' in a car accident, been paralized ever since, hooked on dope, and decided to kill himself.

Anyways, my brother got his social security until he was 18. And so he got his most recent check and his new buddies from New Haven found out.

>>737379270
lol, so that's yet ANOTHER story. Where my brother and I surmised a title for our book called "Finger Painted Portrait of an American Family".

>>737379656
cont'd

So that night my little brother and I (another brother, there's a lot of em', my dad liked to fuck. This is one of the ones who died, killed himself back in 05', still haunts my ass). Anyways, were staying over night at the house of these New Haven kids. We're friends with the 2 younger boys in the family, my older brother friends with the 2 older brothers.

We're in the living room playing some SNES on the little B&W tv, power rangers video game lol. Their apartment was one of those where the first float is set into the ground by like 4 feet. So like the windows were at ground level.

And right out the window is my brother, my cousin, the older new haven kids, and a couple more friends.

And they proceed to jump my brother and beat him within inches of his life.

Over a 300 dollar ss check.

Which they never found (it was in my brothers boot).

My brother still has a problem with "niggers" (his words) to this day. Personally I don't have a problem with black folk, I know a lot of them... and sure some beat the shit out of people I know, but hell, we beat the shit out of some of them too.

Fair is fair.

Still... this wasn't called for. My brother did nothing, and thought he was with friends.

He was out for 3 days... in the hospital. Just like out, no talking. Same with our cousin who was on like life support and shit. They like shoved something down his throat (they thought it was funny cause he was the iron belly type of kid... liked to swallow things for laughs).

In those 3 days this family were basically trying to play cover-up with me, my brother, and my moms. They're not saying that their kids were involved in the jumping, and they're like trying to "help us" find out who did it, and like "being there for my moms".

>>737373726
You live near Holden don't you.

>>737380256
cont'd


I was really confused... like I didn't know what the fuck was going on, what actually happened. Like who did what, and a lot of words are flying around. I was young, and confused as fuck.

That's when my brother comes to, and he finds out what's been going on the last few days.

He is PISSED.

He's in my mom's apartment screaming at my mother, calling her a naive dumb whore, all sorts of mean shit. I'm just like hiding in my room crying and shit with my brother.

Anyways... the next day I go outside to hang with my friends. And a group of us head over to the new haven kids house to grab the younger brothers so we can go build our tree fort.

And their fucking door was smashed off the hinges.

Went inside and the place is a fucking mess... like half their belongings just on the floor smashed, the other half missing.

We were fucking confused as all hell.

Never knew what happened until YEARS later... after seeing my pops do that to the rapist kid's parents.

Turns out my brother went out into the woods, where all my cousins live (we're hillbillies if you haven't figured this out yet)... grabbed him self... well.... without any better words for it.

A lynching crew.

They busted in their door and beat the shit out of the entire family for their transgressions. And gave them an ultimatum to get the fuck out of town right then and their or die.

>>737380501
nope

>>737380613
cont'd

OK... so that's quite a few stories there.

I have more, but I've only received a smattering of responses.

Should I continue?

>>737380782
cont'd

Also, ain't gonna lie.

Typing this one:
>>737380613

Seriously brought fucking tears to my eyes retelling it.

That's a day I don't usually think about... had no idea how much a fucking impact that shit would have on me retelling it like this.

>>737369704
I torrent music regularly

>>737380501
>>737380638

Though I will say, I have family near Holden.

But that's a treck from me. We only headed over to Worcester every once in a blue moon. My pops used to make drops there... not sure what it was when I was a kid, but I figured it out years later.

See my pops would have like 3 vehicles all drive up there and get a "car wash" at this automatic car wash where it was pulled along on the tracks while we sat inside and could watch.

Then we got ice cream.

Then drove the hour+ home.

At the time I just considered it ICE CREAM DAY.

Today I'm like "ohhhhhh, why the fuck else would we drive across state lines to fucking Worcester for a god damn car wash of 3 town cars we never drive".

>>737380896
Yeah post a few more dude.

>>737371110
they said crime, fucktard.

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>>737371518
I hope she does with prices like that

>>737380896
>>737381776
cont'd

All right... lets see, ummm. I usually like having little segways between the stories, but now I'm off in lala land.

OK... so, that brother from way before, the not a brother dating my sister brother. And his crazy friend.

All right, at this point we were working at a Denny's in town. My brother and I. He got me the job, and I worked the cook line even though I was underage... because he vouched for me (more money, needed it to pay for school... I'm the 'smart' one in my family so they all say).

Well this night we had off, and we're sitting around my brother's apartment getting ripped. We find ourselves on chairs sitting in front of the fridge door ajar. Were pulling out old food covered in mold and guessing what it is.

And we get hungry.

TO DENNY'S!

It was literally across the street from these apartments. And yes, these were the same plaza that the rapist kid story was in years prior. Funny thing, they sold years later, were remodeled, and resold as condos to dumb asses moving to Florida in the last 15 years because of the big housing booms.

So now we're at Denny's sitting at the bar/spindle chair area. It's like 2am. Mary Joe is our waitress, older lady, clearly wants to fuck my brother.

There are 2 cops in the back non-smoking section... they sit around all night drining coffee and listening to music. They're oblivious to us.

Oh, and crazy friend is with us too.

This is when a girlfriend of another one of our friends walks in the door with a guy. They had rode up on a motorcycle together.

And they slide into a booth.

Now she notices us... clearly... and clearly she's doing this so that we tell her boyfriend and he gets all jelly and shit.

Welp... things went a little different.

My brother and I swoop over, I slide in with the gf, and he slides in with the guy. Our buddy grabs a chair and sits at the end of the table.

"Hey buddy, whose the lady?"

"Ummmm.... this is my date for the evening."

>>737382537
cont'd

He's staring at us real fucking confused. He has no idea what's going on right now. He doesn't know us, he doesn't know his girl knows us.

Well he figures this out when he notices I'm chatting with the girl like were besties.

You gotta keep in mind. I'm the runt in my family. I'm faggy, and smart, and I can't fight very well (I usually resort to biting, grabbing balls, and well... wrapping dog chains around my brothers heads). I don't usually get along with guys, and preferred having lady friends (primarily because I could fuck them if I got the chance). My brothers sort of brought me along because they wanted to "man me up". I should be a big tough guy like them.

And of course here I am talking about clothes with this girl while my brother is intimidating her date.

Dude man is slightly dropping his guard at this point... like "oh, thank god... these are friends"

And so he starts trying to chat with us. And the girl is just straight ignoring him and chatting with me about stuff.

And my brother is still just staring at him, inches away from the guy... just eyeballing his ass.

"Well how about you? What's your name?" He tries to like reach out to my brother.

"You know that's my boys lady there right?"

"Uhhh... huh?"

Grabs him by the back of his head.
"Thats."
Smash into the table.
"My"
Smash into the table
"Boys"
Smash into the table
"Lady"
Smash into the table

My brother proceeds to yank the kid out the booth and drag him through the restaurant, kicks him through the door into that little area... like you know how Denny's always had like a door into a like mud room with gum ball machines, then another door into the actual restaurant. Yeah, so he's got him in that room on the ground, picks him up like a duffle sack, and shoves him through the door to outside.

Glass shatters everywhere.

Kid's laying on the pavement just groaning.

Don't know wtf the just hit him. Wtf just happened? He's just confused as fuck.

>>737377850
tl;dr

>>737380782
just catching up reading all of them, please continue

>>737383180
cont'd

Mary Joe is running towards the back room with the coppers, and motioning to me to get the fuck out NOW.

So I bolt out the door and grab my brother and his friend and are like "get the fuck in the car, get in right fucking now" (my car was in the parking lot, I always parked it there since we were right across the street... where it was tenant parking only)

The girl comes walking out, looks at her date laying on the ground, looks at us jumping in my car.

"Hey, anon... uhhh, can I get a ride with you? Mines out."

"GET. IN. THE. CAR."

>>737383217
lol

>>737369704
>I've stolen in the past - went to court for it. Not an easy thing to go through life with
Only niggers get caught...

>>737383217
stfu you impatient basterd. bet you've never read a book in your life.

I murdered a rival drug dealer and was convicted of it. I used to sell meth and heroin.

I testified against my old boss so I got 7 years in exchange

>>737383457
gimme a break it was 6 grand

>>737375682
>i bet you haven't even used a 10ton lift.

Lmfao wow. You must be real proud of yourself, bud.

>>737383348
cont'd

>>a girl I once dated murdered someone

So here in South Florida I've since moved into the city, my fam and friends are all mostly dead by 06'. I got some life insurance from my pop's and mom's death (they drove into a tree at 100 and she burned up inside, my dad was launched into the tree).

So I bought a little house, and trying to put my life on track. Disconnect from all this crap. The only times it really comes up these days is when another funeral happens and I go to it out of respect, or if like my really close brothers sometimes show up at my doorstep fucked sideways in some manner and need a shower and some food.

But otherwise... I stay to myself.

Like I said, I'm the smart one. I write software, I don't traffic drugs... anymore.

Anyways, a few cities away from me here in sofla is a town really well known for being weird... so weird, that the city once considered renaming their downtown area the local nickname of 'lake weird'.

So one night I'm out with some friends in lake weird, at a dive ass bar, and there are these 2 girls. Friends of my lady friend I'm out hanging with. None sexual, like straight up I see her like a barbie doll, nothing is down there. But her 2 friends... yeah, I'd fuck the shit out of them.

One was this trashy looking half cuban half I don't know wtf (turned out Finnish... though it made her look asian). The other was this nice thick girl with glasses... real girl next door.

And I made it my task to fuck one or both of them that night. Don't care which.

This night turns fucking absurd... hell this night turns weekend of bizarre.

So it's later and we're now back at my place having a small party. Like 15 of us just sitting around getting shitty (this is what you do when you're 21, own your own house, and have a quarter mil sitting in a bank account all liquid like).

>>737384688
cont'd

Night progresses further and I got the trashy cuban in my bed with me... everyone is passed out all over my house, we just got done fucking, and now were laying in bed telling stories.

You know... like I do.

Were hashing out stories back and forth.

When she pulls out...

"I once murdered a guy, pled it down to manslaughter, my pops paid off a good lawyer." -- pause -- "So we're like boyfriend and girlfriend now right?"

"Huh?"

"We fucked, so like... we're bf and gf right?"

"Ummmm.... I'm still stuck on the murder thing."

"Yeah, I murdered a guy. So... we dating or what?"

"I mean, how am I supposed to say no after that."

Anyways, she explained the story. She didn't actually murder a guy... well she did, but she didn't... it was actually manslaughter. They were just trying to charge her for murder. She sold the kid a morphine patch, you know the ones you stick on your shoulder and it lasts several days.

Well she sold the kid one... and he fucking ATE IT.

He took a weeks dose of medical grade fucking morphine in one chomp and fucking offed.

Anyways, I didn't end up fucking the other girl, the girl next door one. We're still friends to this day, going to her wedding real soon.

She slept in my bed as well though. This was like our relationship for a good 2 years. I didn't have a car at the time because I worked from home, my brother drove me around a lot if I had to go out (so I could drink), and I honestly could be fucked to repair the car I owned and just sat in the driveway.

I literally paid registration and insurance on a car that sat in my driveway for 2 years.

Anyways, the nextdoor girl would pick up trashy girl, drive her to my house. We'd watch movies the 3 of us, then I'd fuck her friend, she'd pass out, and me and nextdoor girl would chat the rest of the night. It was like one girl served as the 'friend' part of the girlfriend, and the other the 'girl' part.

>>737385440
cont'd

>> another girl I once dated at the same time as trashy girl, tried to murder me

So... I forgot to tell you. I had some other girlfriends while I was dating the trashy girl.

They would say girlfriend... I'd say, bitches I called for delivery pussy.

So there was this one girl... I met her at this 80's dance club one night. artsy girl, just graduated the same art university my buddy was in his last year of out of state, cute.... strangely had a black girls name for a white girl.

Anyways, when I went out, I'd usually hitch a ride with someone heading that way. Then when I'd need to go home I'd either hook up with someone (guy or gal, don't care) and hitch a ride home to my place for hanky panky.

If I failed at hooking up... I'd open my phone and call one of my numbers.

And this girl... she always answered.

She would show up in different cars every time though... it was really weird. One night she pulls up in a red t-bird.

A fucking red t-bird.

Like... wtf, is this 1985?

She slides over to the passenger seat like usual and I hop in to drive.

"Where'd you get a t-bird?"

"Oh... I borrowed my neighbours car. I don't own a car."

"Wait, you haven't owned a car this whole time?"

"No, I just borrow my neighbours' cars."

I look down... the car has been hot wired.

>>737370842
Like a Little shelf stacking forklift or a Zoom boom?

>>737383348
WRITE A FUCKING BOOK I BEG YOU

not the other anon

I cum on my brothers mouth while he sleeps

>>737385890
cont'd

"Don't worry honey, I return them in the morning. They never know I even had them!"

Welp... that explains why she always needs to leave before sun up. I just assumed she like lived with her parents or some shit.

This girl was fucking crazy... and fucking awesome. We fucked everywhere you could think. That night we fucked on the car at a railroad crossing while a shipping train passed (you know, those ones that seem to last for fucking ever).

Funny enough, the girl months later ran away and went train hopping across the country, came home, hooked on dope, found god, and is now married w/ kids and makes a decent profit painting pictures of jesus.

Anyways.

I met Trashy and Nextdoor girls, and we're hanging out a bunch. So I sort of haven't been calling crazy train lady with a black girls name in a while.

One night I'm way the fuck away from home in an area near Ft Laudy. This is where Nextdoor grew up, so we're like checking out her ol' stomping grounds.

And we find ourselves behind a Walgreens pulling long benches out of the dumpster and loading them into her car to take home and put in my backyard... cause you know... that's how we do.

When I get a phone call.

It's black not black lady.

She needs me to pick her up, she's lost, she's crying, she's.... naked on US1 and there are "scary black guys following me"... this is up in lake weird, and the "scary black guys" are probably just locals wondering why the fuck there's a naked girl crying and walking down the street... they probably want to help her. Lake weird is a hippy community, well it's also a migrant community... but like there's really chill cool people there... but then again, you know... there's pimps and drug dealers and shoootings. So, you never know.

Anyways...

"Uhhhh... I'm currently in a dumpster getting bench seats for my yard."

"I need you anon, help me!"

"Why are you out on the street?"

"I got in a fight with my grandma."

"Your grandma? The one who died last year?"

>>737369704
Posession of drugs
Selling drugs
Manufacture of drugs
Trafficking drugs
Posession of unlicensed firearm
Posession of unlicensed ammunition
Evade police
Assault
Theft
Destroying property
Misrepresenting information (fraud)

>>737381934
It's a crime in my country, moron

>>737386714
Germany or Britain?

Good goy

>>737371050
You served 4 years for that, that seems a bit harsh.

>victimless crime

>>737386636
cont'd

"Yeah, her. She was yelling at me for not having clothes on."

"O.K.... and so instead of listening to grandma ghost, you decided to leave?"

"Of course, she's a fucking ghost. You don't do what ghosts tell you to do!"

OK... I'm going to come out with it here. I don't need to keep rehashing the dialogue which honestly I don't remember the details of, just the jist of it... and the parts that literally made me laugh on the phone (like that last one).

She's on LSD.

Synthetic at that.

And she's already insane from the get go.

Now... I would like to say to you that I'm a decent fella and I immediately rushed to this girls aid.

"Uhhhh... I'm really busy right now...."

I didn't.

I mean... what am I to do?

"Who this hoe? Who this naked ass hoe we had to drive an hour to come save on the side of the road?"

You ever meet a Cuban girl?

They're fucking viscious!

side story:
>>I once used to fuck around with this Cuban girl, then she like disapeared. She showed back up like 6 months later.
>>"Heyyy, where you been lady!?"
>>"Oh, I had to go away and take anger management courses and shit."
>>"Huh?"
>>"Yeah, well like this bitch honked at me, so I flipped her one, and you know she like told me to pull over... so I did. And well, I grabbed my baseball bat and beat the shit out of her."
>>"Ohhhhhhh... k."
>>"Yeah, so, you know. I had to take some classes and shit out of town. So what are you up to? We should hang."
>>"Yeah... ummm, I've been real busy lately. You know, work and all."

So yeah, don't fuck with a Cuban girl.

And I knew this.

So I wasn't going to make my double girlfriend drive to lake weird and help one of my crazy booty calls.

>>737387187
cont'd

Or rather... maybe I should have.

Don't underestimate a insane French white girl.

So she survived that just fine, and made it home. But she remembered that... and she kept noticing my dodging her calls.

I mean... bitch, you called me naked on the side of the road crying.

Or did you?

I have no idea... did bitch make that whole thing up?

I am disconnect.

Well... she still liked stealing cars.

And on multiple occasions when I'd be out in my street in front of my house on the phone...

oh yeah, I should say that. Cell reception for Sprint is BALLS in my house, so I always would talk on the phone in the street in front of my house.

In my underwear.

With my crazy "mad scientist" hair.

Yes, that's what the kids in my neighbourhood call me, the "mad scientist" cause I would have this hair that just stuck straight up like a cartoon character of a mad scientist. And I was always like dragging crazy shit in and out of my house for "experiments".

I know this because my buddy was once painting my house (for money), and a kid stopped and asked if he knew the man who lived there.

"Yes, he's one of my best friends."

"You're FRIENDS with the MAD SCIENTIST!?"

...

Anyways, so a few nights that I was out in my street on the phone. Here comes a red t-bird... a fucking red god damn t-bird straight out of 1985. They'd stop at the end of the street where the road bends, rev... and then barrel down the road at me as I would jump out of the way.

I learned to start talking on the phone in the back yard.

>>737387187
Shameless is shit compared to your stories. Write a book

>>737369704
Raped two women and stole bikes for cash.

>>737369704
all of them.
no but really just petty theft and drugs, i'm kind of a pussy

>>737387420
>>737387420
Dude... so I fucking LOVE Shameless.

Been watching it for years, got that shit all up on my Plex.

My sister a few months back rings me up... we talk every once in a while. And we usually exchange books/shows/movies we are currently into.

"Dude... have you seen this show 'Shameless'? It's been out a while... this shit is..."
-interrupt-
"Our fucking family!"
"I know, right! Wtf!? Did they like video tape our house or some shit? Wtf is this crap?"

The truth though...

I have considered writing a book. As I said before, my brother and I were going to name it "Finger Painted Portrait of an American Family".

But there's an issue with that... the people still alive from these stories. They wouldn't appreciate me saying them.

And they aren't people I want to piss off like that.

Oh... but that's a story I can tell. The night my brother and I decided we wanted to write a book.

>>737387531
also driving without a license. oooooh, so badass. trust me, i slay the puss

>>737371424
why were you driving on psychedelics anyway?

i stabbed someone that i grew up with. an acquaintance and i met up with him on a gravel road and stabbed him 9 times in the neck chest and arm. he lived, and i just got out of jail a month ago. protip: if youre gonna commit crime, come to canada where the sentences are miniscule compared to the us

>>737371110
wow you are soooo brave

>>737387418
>>737387619
cont'd

OK... so I'ma let you know. My browser is fucking up real bad right now. Keeps not wanting to post, and having errors.

So this might be my last story.

So y'all keep saying write a book... and I have repeatedly considered doing it. I even went as far as telling my friend (who writes) to basically record me telling the stories (I'm a very animated story teller) and then we'll turn that into a book.

Anyways, when the idea first came up was years ago when my pops was still alive.

My pops owned his own truck driving company. He slowly built up a client base, and got big enough that he was able to hire on contractors under him. At this point he decided he wanted to hire on actual drivers for himself... and of course, nepotism!

So he started training my older brother and I to drive truck. I mean hell... we road in and operated these trucks for years (hauling cars) we already had most of it down. He just had to get us legal. And that meant a lot of time in the truck with him getting tracked miles under our belts on our permits so that we can take the legit test.

My brother got it first (he's older, so he got his hours faster, insurance would be less afraid of him then me). And at this point the stinger on my dads high rail had a crack in it (a stinger is a sort of 5th wheel that sits low to the ground behind the truck rather than over the tandem's of the tractor... they're common for high rail car haulers).

This is no bueno. Literally this is the single fail point between the trailer and tractor where all the weight of the trailer is focused.

So my dad grabs one of the other trucks and hits the road, got money to make. And he sends my brother and I up to Polk Florida to a buddy of his who works on trucks/trailers for real cheap.

Polk Florida is a fucking bum hick town in the middle of fuck nowheres.

I poisoned math highschool science teacher with LSD in his coffee when he wasn't looking. He went to the emergency room thinking it was some kind of food poisoning. He spent 3 days in the hospital without anyone finding out what really happened.

I whacked off into my sister in law's swimsuit bottom then she put it on

That would probably be assault or something in this faggy day and age

>>737372220
Bro most forklifts are propane

>>737388173
Yeah and some are diesel

>>737369704
Most serious would be that I stabbed a guy with a 7 inch blade, other than that, lots of drug arrests and for fighting in the streets, drunk driving and shit like that..

>>737371518
Fag

>>737376867
>Your a loser anyway

>>737371518
z

>>737369704
i used to shoplift before my dad gave me allowance

>>737387964

Now it's at this point I should tell you that my dad had a visitor down from New England.

An old friend of his up there, like grade school friend. Well he and his girl got hooked on crack real bad. And she needed to clean up. So he asked if she could stay at my dad's place for a while...

Cause you know... Florida ain't got drugs and stuff.

Well she was there... and this girl... well I'ma call her hatchet. This bitch was fucking ugly.

She hear's we're heading to Polk and she squeels out "is Deltona on the way?"

Deltona is a town between Deland and Daytona... get it... Deltona. Yeah, we real creative down in these parts. And yes, we would be passing by it.

"Great, my sister up in Deltona, I want to visit her."

Oh. Dear. God... there's 2 of them.

So we head out and we pull over to drop her dumb ass off with her sister. Her sister met us out on the main road in her pick-up... and she gets out of the truck and...

HOLY SHIT

She's fucking gorgeous!

"Are them some Anon's I see there!? I need to get me some of that anon blood!"

She comes running over to me and starts squishing my face and kissing me. Not like make out... just like kissing me on the lips close mouthed. It was like someone trying to be semi-erotic, but disguising it as an "aunt kiss".

"You know I used to fuck your dad."

>>737371863
How'd you fit that many people in an rx7

Drug production.
Got off with a fine, because i was underage at the moment

>>737388545
If that were true you would know it's called manufacturing

>>737388295
cont'd

My brother looks at her, looks back at Hatchet, then looks at me. It fucking hits him.

Now I should renote, this brother of mine is not an Anon. My dad raised him as his own, but he ain't my dad's son. He's my brother through my bio mom and her first husband. My dad got custody in the divorce though, cause like... my mom's weird and shit.

So he don't look like me. But he REEEEAAAAALLLLY loves my dad and looks up to him real hard and stuff. He always said he wanted to be like dad when he grew up.

And the night he realized that... well that was the night my dad fucked these two girls in the hot-tub behind our house.

Turned out back in the 80's Hatchet weren't bad looking, and her sister was still hot. Both nice young 18 year olds, naked, fucking my pops in the hottub while he and I watched from the window upstairs. My brother turns to me and he says,

"When I grow up, I'm going to be just like him."

I shit you not.

Thing is... he tried so hard. He shows up at the house with random trashy skanks in tow, trying to show off to dad how he's got 2,3,even 4 bitches at the same time. Just parading them through my dad's house.

And my dad every time, "Yeah boy... but their 2's... 2's don't count!"

>>737388545
And i raped a virgin girl at a party, in the room with about 10 more people, most of them were asleep drunk.
She didn't resist much, just kept whispering "no, please stop" and crying in my ear.
Wasing ago though. I am a good boy now.

>>737388334

LOL!!!!!

Yeah... so lol.

It was only 3 of us in the car at that point. But we'd fit 6 people deep in that car on the regular.

This how it go.

So driver in driver seat.
1 in passenger, with another in their lap.
Then 2 sitting neck to neck on the humb just behind the two front seats leaning forward into the front seat area.
And then 1 more curled up (usually my lil sister) all the way in the back of the hatchback trunk... just face plastered to the glass staring at the sky.

moar. how are you typing this so fast?

>>737388650
Just produced some, didn't grow to manufacturing ;)

Production of a schedule 1 drug, dealing schedule 1 drugs, extortion, blackmail, assault with a deadly weapon, attempted murder, murder, threatening bodily harm (I'm only 22 LOL)

>>737388816

I'm a fast typer. Software engineer here. Type too damn fast.

I'm actually typing faster than you think considering I stop every once in a while to re-read... make sure it sounds like I want it to. And also to read responses.

Weed, LSD, Shrooms, MDMA
Climbed a crane on a construction site at night
Sex with a 15 yr old when I was 18
Stole from corner store I worked at as a kid

Stolen a car, dozens of bikes, and robbed dozens of cars

>>737389050
You made my day. If you have some kind of a blog or something, it's time to link that.

well shit that was entertaining

>>737388671
cont'd

So... my brother now wants to fuck this hotty.

Like real fucking bad.

"Oh yeah pops? I bring home 2's... well I just fucked one of your old ladies from back when!"

I don't personally understand this fucking logic... but my brother, he fucking crazy. This fucker got kicked out of the Marines for beating up cops naked with a x-mas tree. But... that's a story for another time.

So she tells us if we stuck for the night, we can come back her way and crash for the night.

And well we continue on to Polk, and sure enough, we don't finish. So we leave the trailer in Polk, and we drive the tractor back down to Deltona and sleep at her place.

... cue the roommate...

So when we got there sister's are in the back drinking daqueries and shooting the shit. While this young guy, maybe 28, he's packing up a weekend bag to head out.

He looks flustered.

"There's more of you? Thank fucking god I'm leaving for the weekend. If you want some advise, turn back now."

"What? No, I'm in it to win tonight!" - my brother

I watch the look on this guys face as he walks out the door.

"Don't tell me I don't warn y'all."

Door shuts.

We walk out back "ANON! Come here, sit in my lap! I'm so happy you made it!"

My brother is burning daggers into me with his eyes.

"We're going to the bar, you should join."

"Umm, I'm only 19, I can't go to the bar."

>>737389356

Hrmm... that's a good idea.

I do have a blog, haven't posted on it in fucking years... and none of it are these stories. It's all just me wrestling with learning to code.

Maybe I could do that... it'd be much safer than a book with my fam.

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>>737369704
stolen from stores since i was like 15, drugs, ate edibles on a plane, smoked weed in florida, drank before 21, drank and drove, smuggled drugs into concerts, idk what else. sold drugs i guess?

>>737371284
This. And fuck your bait thread OP you stupid narc piece of shit

>>737389547
Baby steps first. Blog than a book deal

>>737389669

nah, never a book.

Srsly, I'd have to wait until every last person is dead. My family ain't people you fuck with like that. Air their dirty laundry out for profit? I'd be gutted and hung up in the town square.

I stole money and candy from the backpacks in the boy's locker rooms in middle school. I once stole a $20 bill from a kid who wouldn't lock his locker but would leave his wallet in the unlocked locker. I always left a little money for him to get lunch since I'm not an evil bastard. pretty sure this qualifies OP

>>737389433
cont'd

My brother does not want to go to the bar. There's less a chance of him scoring there with competition... but he's starting to worry I'm competition.

I'm not... or rather, I'm unwilling competition. I want nothing to do with this lady.

Anyways, I agree to drive them to the bar, and then I'll come pick them up later afterward. I'll just hang out at the house and have a couple beers and watch Discovery.

We're in this little S10, with bench seats, and the 3 of us (my brother stayed back, he's upset) are jammed in there. Me driving, hotty next to me, and hatchet on the end. Hotty is rubbing all over me and when we get to the bar she opens your pack of parliaments and shows me a 10-pack sitting in one of the slots in palce of a butt.

"You sure you don't wanna come, I know the owner, it won't be a problem."

"No ma'am, I'm alright."

"MA'AM!?"

And she huffs off into the bar.

So, back at her place. Just my brother and I, relaxing, having beers, watching Discovery. That's when the roommate comes by again.

"Forgot something... where's Hotty?"

"They all went to the bar."

"The what? It wasn't the tiki bar down the way? Fuck... fuck... srsly guys, I fucking warned you."

I used to do a lot of shoplifting for fun before I kinda grew out of it. I've also had a couple cases of b&e but it was all dumb shit I did in high school and never got caught. Other than that I was a decent person

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Trespassing

>showed up to a smoke session with like 14 people
>literally was there for less then 5 minutes before a k9 bust through the back door

Thief

>caught stealing Fitbit
>good thing that's what they caught me stealing tho because I stole lite that day
>dumb ex gf was the one who compromised us

>>737373793
Hope he didn't make it to the trauma center and was doa. GJ

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I've had consensual sex with my first cousin.

got a DUI once.

>>737373891
lol I fired off a round in my house by accident once, no one even called the cops. ears were ringing for a bit after. have you been convicted of all those crimes? if not youre an idiot for mentioning them

>>737390036

The night progresses and I never get the call for me to pick them up. And that's when the front door flings open.

OK... so we're on the back porch. Where I'm sitting I can see through the sliding glass door to the front door, but my brohter... he can't see shit. He's off to the side. He hears their home, but he don't budge... he wants to play it cool.

So he doesn't see what I see...

And that is Motley Crue Carney looking mother fucker and his 7 foot tall friend Lennie Small.

Hotty takes one look at me, grins, and grabs roadie fuck face and drags him into her room. Hatchet on the other hand is making out of Lennie and smashing into everything in the house... they end up in the kitchen just feet from us. My brother can now see them through the little window over the sink.

"Ewww, that's fucking nasty."

It's only then that it dawns him... shit, if Hatchet has a guy... Hottie must as well!

And this is when Motley Crue Roadie comes back out of the room, cigarette in mouth, wearing Hottie's robe. This guy wasn't in their long enough for the average person to derobe, rather than fuck, and redress in a robe. Or rather it felt like it wasn't enough time. I don't know... shit was just fast.

He comes out on the porch, sits down in the robe and asks my brother for a light.

This is when Hottie appears in the sliding glass door, with a skimpy as robe on... her ass hanging out, you can see her fucking pussy bulging out from her back.

She comes over and sits on my lap, and kisses me on the cheek.

>>737390593

My brother immediately stands up and storms out. He goes into the guest room to sleep.

I follow suit, and go to the fold out couch to sleep.

The night progresses and Hatchet and Lennie need a place to fuck. They barge into the guest room and wake up my brother. They're fighting, he's telling them to get the fuck out. This is when Hottie tries to defuse the situation... Hatchet is like "I NEED SOMEWHERE TO FUCK!"

And that's when someone climbs into bed with me. They snuggle up against me and get close to my ear.

It's Hottie.

She's naked.

She wraps her sweaty legs around me pressing her fucking raw used pussy against my side. I shutter.

"When I was 19 an Anon had me. Now I want to have a 19 year old Anon for myself." - (anon being my surname) - "Either you fuck me right now, or you need to give your bed up for my sister and Lennie."

I get out of bed, storm out the truck, and sleep in the bunk.

My brother follows suit not but 5 minutes later.

>>737390930

We head off to a motel room, and here we now are laying in our respective bads laughing about the experience we just had.

"Dude, we need to write a book about the shit that goes on in our family."

"Yeah, but what should we call it?"

some hashing and finally

"Finger Painted Portrait of an American Family"

>>737391056

And yeah, we left Hatchet behind.

damn nigga

>>737391111

catch them quads

>>737391093
So coming from such a unique childhood.. how'd you make it to college? What motivated you? How did you even pay for it? So many questions. Seems like you turned out ok and I'm shocked hearing these stories

>>737374166
3 Scheiß Monate?
Was bist du nur für ein Neger!

>>737391093
cont'd

So anyways.

There y'all go. Those are some of my stories.

I started moving away from the criminal stories towards the end, cause honestly... I wanted a little variety in it.

Hope y'all enjoyed.

I always love telling my stories. It's usually what I do at parties and the sort.

I especially love them because no one believes them... like my close friends know what's what, but most people are just like "Oh, that's anon... telling his 'stories' again."

It allows a good release of energy for me. Like... it's good to get them off my chest, but not have to deal with "oh, poor Anon... you must be traumatized" bs.

Though one time a buddy of mine he just belts out across the room.

"Anon, stop fucking lying. You do this all the fucking time. Just lie to mother fuckers with these bullshit ass stories of yours. WTF."

"Friend... how long you know me?"

"2 years."

"And in that 2 years whatchu know for fact about me?"

"Well... I mean..."

"What's that? My parents died, my brothers died, my grandpa died, my friends died, you were there at the funerals with me... so what the fuck do I have to lie about!? Do I need to make shit up if I already have that story to tell?"

Battery
Aggravated Battery
Unlawful consumption of alcohol (3x)
Unlawful possession of alcohol
Resisting/Obstructing a peace officer (3x)
Retail Theft under 300
Criminal damage to property
Possession of marijuana and paraphernalia
Possession of a non-issued (fake) ID

Actaully just went to court today for The retail theft and resisting. Gotta do 180 days in a couple months. And im only 20 :(
#notarolemodel

>>737369704
technically I sell drugs and make a few hundred thousand a year from it

>>737391639
Bitch

>>737369704
I was really drunk at a house party and I stole a random jacket, then when i was walking back home I put my hands in the pockets and found the guy's keys, so I took them and threw them to the ground. The next day I woke up and felt really bad about it, so I grabed a bunch of clothes i didn't use anymore, along with the stolen jacket and I donated them to a local church.

>>737391300

Well... actually I dropped out of college.

And it was community college.

Like I said, I was the "smart" one in my family. Like my dad really stressed that to me. That I was different then the rest of them. That I had potential if I just applied it.

He grew up on a farm... and his dad... well his dad was dead. His bio dad thought he was illegite, and tried to kill him, and then killed himself. Or so the story goes... some people suppose my grandma killed him for trying to murder my dad.

So his step-dad raised him. And was super hard on him. Not because he was a dick, but because he thought my dad was "smart", and so he pushed him to graduate highschool (which no one in his family had ever done). He did this by forcing him to work his ass off and really just laying out the hard love.

And well my dad did the same to me.

He wouldn't even pay for my college... but I was expected to go. I was smart.

Then he died...

I missed a lot of school then. Kept having to go funerals. Dropping classes and retaking them. The dean didn't believe me... gave me F's instead of incompletes... wrecked my GPA... I even showed him the death certificates.

No good.

He became an alcoholic.

Like bad.

Like driving down i-95 at 2 am with a bottle of vodka in hand tapping cars with my car.... bad.

And I had life insurance money to do it with.

Lots of bloody horrible nightmare inducing life insurance money burning a hole in my heart.

Then my buddy graduated from SCAD, and he showed up at my doorstep with a programming book in hand. He went to school for 3d art... he wanted to make a video game.

"You're going to learn to program you fucking asshole... you need some fucking direction."

Been a programmer ever since.

I got some direction.

>>737369704
At disneyworld everytime me and my friends would get on the people mover {Ride that takes you across the whole park above everybody) we would all start yelling "I FUCKIN HATE NIGGERS" "GO BACK TO AFRICA YOU BIG LIPPED MOTHERFUCKERS"
Looking back at it now I feel alittle shitty for probably ruining a shit ton of black families vacations, but goddamn was it hilarious.

>>737392009

Think... Lip from Shameless.

I really identify with Lip in that show.

I popped the cherry of like 5 girls when I was 16 and stopped talking to them the very next day. Kek.

>>737392009
correction... I became an alcoholic, not he.

>>737390001
When did you gain membership to the Jr. Weenie Hut?

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I tried to get the cops to shoot me by pointing a firearm at them.
>stole fathers shotgun
>drove to an open empty soccer field
>fired off 5 shells, birdshot
>police arrive, point unloaded shotgun at them
>they reverse and set up road blocks
>surrender like the beta faggit I am
>6 months in jail 21 months on parole
I know people probably wonder why I didn't just shoot myself. As depressed as I was I just couldn't summon the strength to do it myself. Prison definitely changed my life and made me more of a hermit crab. I rarely leave the house now

>>737392009
Well done. Really. I'm telling you now. Your bud seems like a good man. He doesn't have anything on you, though. Keep on fucking writing, it strikes a chord within my heart and would with many others. If your father was here to see how you grew up, he'd be proud. You have talent. Potential. Some that's still not been put to of use yet. That's all I have to say. See ya, Mad Scientist

>>737391639
Aggravated Battery
Battery
Charging Battery
Theft of Battery across State Lines
Murdered the Energizer Bunny
Bought several Note 7's

Someome save this thread. Name it: Mad Scientist

>>737391688
What kinda drugs ? And how did u start? Are you Rick Harrison?

>>737392659
Oh dude... you have no idea about my bud.

There's a reason we mates.

He pulled himself out of the same trashy life.

Hell, my family is a fucking dream boat compared to his dad's family.

But he... his dad is in prison now.

Give you an idea... my bud doesn't go by his first name, and never has his entire life, because he shares his dad's first name.

Funny thing is that name is my dad's name too.

Oh man... it was hilarious. He and I once got pulled over together. And when they took our id's and crossed it with the registration on my car (which was in my dad's name jointly... couldn't change it since shit was still in probate).

They fucking roll back guns in hands.

"You need to SLOWLY step out of the vehicle Anon1 and Anon2. Slowly... with your hands in the air... how did you get out of Prison Anon1, and Anon2... it says here you're dead!"

We step out getting to our knees and busting out laughing.

"Nah bro, that's our dads!"

>>737392659
>>737392921

And thanks man, happy you enjoyed it all.

>>737369704
Got a DUI in 2013, bullshit court for few years, been on probation since march 2016. Went three years unable to drive anywhere except for work, one year ignition interlock. Things finally starting to return to normal. Seriously Seriously never drink and drive, maybe one or two beers tops.

>>737380896
I've been reading

>>737384873
I wanna know where Lake Weird is

>>737384002
grand theft larceny?

>>737393493

I'm telling you... it's in South Florida, and I did not fudge that name.

The local nickname is Lake Weird, and they legit debated renaming it that.

Also... there are technically 2 places with the same name. Lake Weird, and The City of Lake Weird. The latter of which is the downtown part on the ocean.

>>737394049

Honestly I find it weird that no one knows... I know a lot of South Florida folks frequent /b/, they always appear in the florida pics threads.

And the place is pretty notorious around here.

Sounds weird

Flashed a few 10-13 year old girls in dept. stores. Huge adrenaline rush. Never got caught. 8 out of 10 times they grimaced when they saw it. Shaved it first to keep things looking nice.

>>737394240

I so hope this is true.

You fucking shave it to keep things looking nice.

Fucking asshole.

>>737392921
Can anyone screencap these Beautiful stories for me? I would do it myself but I'm using my phone

>>737394458

I mean... I saved them for myself.

Not sure what good me having them will do you.

You hoping they get reposted?

I mean heck... lurk more, I may tell them again in the future. Or maybe others.

Ohhhh... you want someone to also upload said screencaps so you can then save them.

Sorry mate, I saved the html.

>>737394049
I lived in central Florida outside Orlando. Edge of Seminole and Orange county. Was pretty vanilla. I know Daytona, Deltona, some of the places you mentioned. Not very familiar with the southern part.

>>737394662
Yeah, I wanted to save it, no problem though my man, it was great reading the stories the first time, but it would be pretty nice having something to save

>>737394740

You should check it out some time.

Fun little place down these parts.

I've lived in all 4 corners of the country. From New England to LA, to Washington State to South Florida.

And I keep coming back to South Florida.

They're the only people in the country who get the weird. Who feel the weird. Who live the weird.

Good people here.

And shitty ones too... fucking out of stater snow bird mother fuckers. The locals, that's where it's at. You can be from here, or you can come here and adopt our ways... that's how you a local.

Oh and fuck Boca... Boca can rot in hell.

>>737394453
Why do you "so hope" it's true?

>>737394937
Read some John D MacDonald and Carl Hiassen

>>737395054

It's a phrase bro.

I mean, I think it's funny.

And I prefer to laugh at legit then fake.

>>737395085

I know Hiassen, but I had to look up MacDonald.

After looking him up, I know him as well... though not from name, just his stuff.

>>737369704
i beat the shit out of a gay drunk dude to rob with a shirt on my head

>>737395054
>>737395110

Sorry, sometimes I forget my inflection doesn't come through in text.

Living all about the place I've picked up odd phrases for things. People around me find it really weird, because it's so much not local... like they here little things familiar to their local slang, but then others they never heard of.

Price of moving around a lot. Having to adopt to new neighbourhoods. Pick up local dialects to fit in with the other kids.

>>737369704
I once kicked a pigeon at work

>>737395425

In the same regard, my mother was a avid reader and teacher of English. She had me reading from a very young age and learning proper English. I should never start a sentence with 'but', and ain't is not a word. I can write and speak correctly if I so desire, but often revert to dialects when telling stories.

>>737371989
Can confirm. I think it was about 5 years ago, I picked up this super hot bitch at a bar. Only problem is she weighed about 700 pounds. I thought "I've got a forklift so we can still do the business"

Well after fidgeting around for about 15 mintues with a halfy I decided that it wasn't worth the trouble. Rightly so, found out later she was actually a man. To think I came that close to being a democrat. Makes me shiver so bad I can hear my dip rattling around in the can.

>>737369704
I pirated Fallout 4 and all of it's DLC.

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>>737395761

>>737394240
Any tips?

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>>737395792

>>737370842
They aren't hard I figured it out when I used to go to work with my dad when I was like 9

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>>737395887

>>737369704
That I've been caught for? Involuntary manslaughter.

>>737371941
... mom?

>stole fucking chocolate from a store
christ man, i was the most stupid kid in the neighborhood

>assault
knocked another guy out at around age 9, ran from the scene

>threw a scissor in someone´s face
welp thats what you get for provoking a guy and turning his "friends" against him


thankfully the minimum age for any real punishment is 15 over here, as kids do stupid shit

>>737369704
Legally wrong? Stole money from my parents
>Be 11
>Steal $5
>Bet on a fight at school
>Lost

Morally wrong? Being a creep
>Be 13
>Stalk crush for the next 5 years
>Mess her up pretty bad apparently
>She's now a tumblr feminist with a poo loo boyfriend

>>737371518
You received coins for real?
https://www.blockexperts.com/4chn/address/CL6xTuBoxtdgjagawgGMu7K7YgvFyPzJz5

>>737374166
>>737374860
>>737375682
>>737376867
>I don't even care.
If you did not care, then you would not even bother replying, so you actually do care.

Fixed this for you:
You're a loser anyway, go home and tell your mom.

Stop being a fucking faggot who acts like a hard ass over their job, because in reality you are not shit, and eventually you will be replaced by a robot and your job will be useless. If you still have not noticed nobody likes people who act like you do. You are not important and all of us are not important either, so stop acting like you are. You're on an anonymous image board. Quit being a fucking faggot beta bitch.

incest
stole sweets
drink driving
drug driving
many drugs
speeding
making drugs

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>>737369704
I defrauded a major corporation, I robbed the second largest bank in france using only a ball point pen, I created a hole in the Ozone above Avignon and I killed a man with pic related

mainly just a lot of theft when i was younger. worst thing ive stolen was this old chinese ladys bag that has $200 in it

>>737392432
>Prison definitely changed my life and made me more of a hermit crab. I rarely leave the house now
Why?

>>737398627
Fuck you beat me to it.

>>737370349
did he steal your fries?

I really can't begin to list them. I've never been caught for anything although I was in a shoot out in Mexico that was pretty much all my fault. Never really did the drug thing so the most common things would be like...driving to endanger. Trespassing, theft, idk. I burned down part of an abandoned mill in my town while testing homemade bombs. If I was processed for everything there is no way I could avoid probably life in prison. I don't think I'm that bad though, and everyone I know thinks the same. Idk mostly all victimless crimes.