DMing a random DnD session w/ two friends in an hour. What

shade. fucking nerds

>>735649417
5 gelatinous cubes
and 2 mind flayers

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>>735649417
3 headed astral terrasque-a-lich

a playlist comprised entirely of Toto

>>735649694
So beautiful, almost cried tears of joy/fear

a drunk man equipped with a Deck of Many Things.

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>>735649417
A pedophilic underwear wizard riding Cthulu in power armor wielding Death's scythe but it's in the shape of a duck dick.

>>735649872
Thats a keeper

>>735649663

You evil bastard

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>>735649417

GIve em a little bit of the Purple Wizard. He enchants weapons in exchange for man on man sexual favors

Waterdeep but with Dick Cheney in charge.

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OP here!

Items too! Just make shit up!

>>735650093
Youre in.

a tavern where people are playing dnd and ask them to join in.

Pepe the frog king

A magical pipe used for smoking weed

>>735650312
Dunno if I could mentally handle thst much roleplaying

a druid hooker who can cast Warp Wood.

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>>735649417
A homeless naked man that does meth and wields a spoon. He has a pet snail that's secretly a God and whenever the homeless guy is asleep God turns into a Stacey and sells himself at street corners and alleyways.

>>735649417
I dont know what that is

>>735650404
Like...warping their penises off of them?

>>735650456

i don't know dude you're the dm. maybe she just warps it a little so it feels good. or maybe it's like a CBT thing.

>>735650598
> warps it a little so it feels good

Love it

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>>735649417
A mind flayer that tries to become there friend, if they kill him swarmed by 5-10 mind flayers. If they befriend him they get a ring that has a chance to bring a mind flayer to there location ween they attack anything

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>>735649417
A pen that can be used to create anything you can imagine but for every 1mm of line drawn you have intense and extremely painful orgasms that can easily kill you.

>>735650445
It stands for
Djesus nCrist Dyoureamoron

those rings that let people switch places but a deep sea creature has one and one of them finds the other.

Terrasque

Head of Vecna

What kind of session? Like what themes?

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Whenever your players get off track and start doing meta-game shit, say this: "Limpy Cooter, an extremely drunk man in a far away town, walks out of a bar. He pulls an arrow from his quiver, knocks back the arrow, and releases it into the air with the force of Hephaestus."
Then roll to see who gets hit. They take however much damage you think is necessary.
This shit always keeps my games on track!

>>735651323
Jesus Christ that's beautiful. Im addin this to my games. Youre a saint.

>>735651300
Pop-up session. Just lookin for ideas, no general theme.

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>>735651409

I do what i can! Good luck, and have fun

a vague but ever present sense that your best days are behind you and that they were wasted pursuing dreams that were, in retrospect, unattainable at best and illusory at worst.

a chasm between you and the world around you that has grown impassable.

>>735651469
Well, I stole this from a reddit post but if your players don't know it will work fine. A store that will pay the party for their secrets, the juicier the better. Turns out however, that the merchant is actually selling them off to the highest bidder, so big stuff should come back to the party to bite them in the ass.

The players receive a mind swap ring from a hermit jerking it in the woods to rabbits. The other ring is in the possession of a snapping tortoise.

a cock

>>735651625
Oooh, that's still pretty good!

Dildo of power, it adds one to your strength not ONLY when you're using a club. It also only works when it's shoved up the characters butthole

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>>735649417
and underground eclipse forces everyones powers over 9000

a ring of anonymous penpals dtom across the country who talk about how dwarves are hording gold and tricking humans into fighting wars for them.

they call each other things like "sword-swallower" and their letters are accompanied by drawings related to the content.

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Carnivorous Mingo Swarm.

>>735649417
An ancient Chinese wind dragon that is hiding out from it's responsibilities by shrinking down to the size of a cat and pretending to be a players pet.

There is a drought because this dragon is playing hooky from work and the other weather dragons are looking for him.

At some point, an NPC should anger the hiding dragon enough that it grows to full size to kill him, drawing the attention of the other dragons.

Players goal is to survive the drought and this battle

>>735652359
Good shit, yo

>>735649417
Villains that befriend the party to divert attention away are fun. I had a villain shackled himself as the party broke up a smuggling ring. He acted as informant and supplier for them to break up other consortiums while his grew.

Pepper in leads of a coming doom: a cult uprising, dormant evil awakening... stuff that takes a while to grow. Even if it's only one game and the story never grows from there, it gives the world flavor.

>>735649417
Orcs, nigger. Lots of homosex orcs with oversized cocks. No kill but rape furiously resulting in PTSD.

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>>735650157
bananarang

2 handed wand

inbred steed of redneckery

blackened scroll vanishing (only works on another players bicycle)

shiny shekel of subjugate goyim (even, and why not)
(terrasque-boy here)

Intelligent and powerful magic artifact that daily erases tiny snippets memories and replaces them with the memories of it's long dead creator in an attempt to brainwash the PC into thinking they are him. Tie it in with some will saves, never have the item let the PCs know it's intelligent.

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>>735649417
a kitchen sink

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Sexy necrophiliac necromancer. She will fuck the PCs, but only after they become mindless undead minions.

Transdimensional transexual transylvanians.

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>>735652958

>>735652430
Stole it from a short story called "Lung Gwai". Forget the author.

MAGIC ITEM: A dragon whisker mounted in a hilt and sheath to look like a sword. Flexible like a whip, but not a weapon. Marked with kanji for Plentiful Fish. When placed in a body of water, river or stream any fish will be drawn to it from a distance of 1/4 mile and will not resist capture.

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>>735652958
can you try to be original at the very least?

>>735649417
benchman's rag, a lengthy tattered cloth that smells like sweat and urine that doubles as both a disgusting accessory as well as an extremely gross item

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Rogue goblin yandere.
She stalks the PC of choice while stealthily and violently killing every other women who so much as looks at him.
Possibly kidnapping the PC for a sex slave/husband.

a lone rat teste lukewarm to the touch

a lone rat teste that glows with chaotic magic

if it's pathfinder or 3rd there's stats for a dragon that bleeds spiders

>>735653296
My Bard would so hit that...

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>>735649417
The pagan god Frustrado

>>735653307
>>735653411
the dead rat that the testes came from
contains fleas and a magic glyph

An ever full purse.
It contains 200 gold pieces that teleport back into the bag the next day.
Laugh as the merchants get pissed at them for cheating them. Send assassins and have the PCs reputation get ruined so they can't sell/buy things in the local area.

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battle cleric reporting in

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>>735653613
quality

>>735653296
>>735653307
>>735653411
>>735653553
wtf

an immutable 5in by 5in by 5in cube of granite that is immune to all forms of magic but also persperates a strange clear inert fluid whenever it is being carried or held

Billious the Oh God of hangovers.
Polar opposite of the god of wine and revelry.


R.I.P Terry Pratchett

>>735653815
Both 613 and 296 are me.

The trap that isn't gay

>>735649417
Tucker's Kobalds, punch in their shit

>>735649417
Distant pained screeching at some point in a dark dungeon. As the screeching steadily but slowly grows louder, you can hear some indistinct words between screeches. As the horrifying sounds grow louder you can almost make out a word or two... At least enough to tell it's in common tongue.

Finally as the screech reaches a deafening volume, you hear the words shouted clearly and just as the creature rounds the turn in the passageway ahead: "YOU'RE A WHITE MALE"

A crazed SJW attacks the party.

>>735653815
i'm the rest
a sword that screams at a level proportional to its velocity like a human man

>>735653650
kobold still hates you

http://soundboards.cubicleninja.com/

>>735649417
Use a few iconic DnD encounters:

Mind flayer or beholder in underground lair
Lich or vampire in castle
Orcs guarding a chest of random coins
An invisible stalker in a room full of mimics and rust monster, there is an artifact on the far side of the room and half the objects in the room are mimics

Red dragon guarding three prisoners- two are princesses who grant a kiss and wish to a rescuer, the third is a succubus who makes a rescuer fight the other party members

and include my favorite artifact, the Middle Finger of Vecna, in the treasure

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>>735653973
I believe that. 613 is amusing, while 296 is just kinda weird.

>>735653973
>hahaha, traps are gay
damn, summer sure came up quick

>>735654170
ok, I actually laughed at this one

Advanced colossal mimic. It disguises it's self as a dungeon.

Lovecraftian horrors so far beyond the imagination of man it melts their brains.

>>735654374
Think you fucked up the labels there.

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>>735654374
>>735653973
>>735654533
misquoted the second time, mb

>>735654035
>>hahaha, traps are gay
>damn, summer sure came up quick

A Lich, complete with a regiment of undead minions. Have it so that the lich just finished a demonic summoning ritual, and get a Balor up in that shit too.

WereCorgi

Infect them with lycanthropy and laugh at their stubby limbs.

>>735654170
OP here. Fucking lol'd at that.

>>735654374
>>735654832
a small friendly creature that can only respond through physical contact, is gregarious, and possesses a burning desire to forcibly tap away at the nearest being in order to express itself

a pair of leather gloves that stick furiously to any whole surface they touch

their magic grip can only be loosened by a decent amount of saliva or a decent enough strength check

>>735649417
a decanter of endless water.
40% of the time the water is boiling.
40% of the time it drops 4 inch diameter ice logs
10% of the time it works as intended
10% of the time it gives of a mystery fluid

a golem intent on creating small stone penis structures

a political faction called the elf-right.

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>>735655240
>10% of the time it works as intended
nice.

>>735654962
>forcibly tap away
wut lol

>>735655402
nobody cares. Like, honestly.

a being made of living feces born from a wizard that which upon taking a shit accidentally willed the shit alive

it only wants to spread its kind by infecting living creatures with magic e.coli

Am otherwise nondescript torus that begins to increasingly secrete a slick mucus the closer it gets to a PCs penis. The players should have to work out what causes it. It has no other use.

>>735655552
>3 off
a book filled with nothing but the number 5 that when read makes you feel confident that you learned something important

an incredibly sturdy shaft of wood with an incredibly sharp point but an incredibly unbalanced center of gravity

>>735655851
Incredible!

Sentient hive mind crabs, the genital type.
They work together to attack the PCs junk unless the PCs do what the crabs say.
1 damage a day and it prevents them from resting, also some dice penalty due to itching and pain.

>>735655944
a pair of dwarven gauntlets that let you lift anything two times your weight but click constantly as if fingers were being broken

a slate of stone that projects the wielder's wildest fantasies at maximum volume and cannot be destroyed, activated by touch alone

If the party ends up somewhere sufficiently hot, an oriental fan left on the ground. If used to ease the effects of extreme heat, it releases a gas that poisons the user.

a bottomless sack of small-sized gourds that are incredibly soft and over-ripe

A supercharged belt of giant strength +30.

BUT it doesn't reinforce the wearers body, their bones break when they attempt to exert themselves.

a cursed set of armor that causes you to believe that you are in fact a lizardman

a regular set of armor that used to belong to a lizardman

an unfillable chalice that simply defies reality and can never be filled by anything and presents a sense of lingering emptiness and great distance when you attempt to sip from its emptiness

Ring of outer monologue.
When worn it forces the wearer to speak his mind. Every thought is verbalized 100% of the time. The ring can no be removed without removing the finger.

Awww 4 Strength 4 Stam Leather Belt

a potion that gives you super speed but also speeds up your dietary tract

a scroll that can be used by anyone but only summons a 30-second midi of All Star

A ring that gives resistance to lightning/electrical damage, but has a surprise side effect that it painfully shocks anyone the wearer physically touches. The shock does little if any damage.

Dildo of three wishes.
It must be fully inserted into the character before he/she makes their wish.

a pair of impractical but stylish metal shoes that impede your range and dexterity but improve your charisma and confidence

a phial of regular sea salt

a man who has a compulsive desire to collect the eyelashes of his enemies so he can make a wish

exactly 15 large slugs that glow electric yellow

A +5 vorpal sword that is in fact just a masterwork sword with the magic aura spell cast permanently on it. Don't let them know, just subtract 5 from the attack and damage rolls from what your player tells you.

It will be super disappointing when the natural 20 confirms it hit and the decapitation doesn't happen.

a belt that gives you the ability to fly but also gives you the inability to stop flying at a fixed speed unless it is removed quickly

>>735657215
Plot twist is every 100 people sacrificed in this fashion actually does grant him a wish.

a clingy incontinent cockatiel that when killed passes on its curse to the killer

>>735649417
>Amulet of Extra Amulet Slot
allows you to equip a second amulet

>Ring of Fire Detection
>radiates warmth when exposed to fire

>>735649417
Twink Traveler's Wishing Boots

Every mile they walk they get a weak wish that they must use immediately, with a 5% chance of getting two instead.

The owner must comply, and must wish to suck a cock at least once per mile, or they will have their legs broken. They also cannot wish to not have their legs broken.

super slippery seriously sharp surprisingly speedy shuriken

A magical sword that turns into a dildo whenever it's swung

>>735657993
>they call him low blow bow legs

>>735649417
Use every single suggestion in this thread, and see how long before everyone just quits.

a scroll that binds the soul of a metaphysical entity from leaving the tabula rasa that is the mundane realm where the players reside

>>735657008
That is actually pretty awesome

Send then on a quest to solve a mystery but then have the reveal be really underwhelming. Example "go find the person who's been tickling anuses" and have it turn out to be mike the anus tickler

a scarf that when worn forces the wearer to lactate furiously every 3rd long rest

Throw an encounter or something normal like kobolds or maybe irks at them but when you are supposed to say roll initiative, say roll seduction

>>735656522
A cursed set of lizardmen that cause you to believe that you are in fact armor

>>735659073
an armored set of lizardmen that cause you to believe that you are in fact cursed

A tankard filled with powdered sugar. For every individual particle of sugar poured from the tankard, a snowflake falls five feet in front of the person that caused the sugar to leave the tankard.

>>735656522
>>735659073
>>735659173
all three at once

Just give them an item that can change a single letter in the same of an item, like it changes an angry bear into an angry beer

>Players come upon a Rune of 3rd Dimensional Combat Mastery
All people besides the DM physically fight one another. The person who wins gets the rune, which allows you to pick any number for any roll for the rest of the game

>>735659254
A wand of grammatical correction.

>>735659221
an armored curse lizardmen set of cursed lizardmen armor curses that cause you to believe you are in fact cursed lizardmen cursed curse armored lizardmen armor cursed armor

Do the classic house or dungeon, that never ends. Going in any direction just gives them another empty room. They have to go back and forth between two rooms three times in immediate succession in a direction to move on.

Then when they figure it out, just have the next bunch of rooms all pure identical.

>>735659268
Or for a more realistic alternative, a rune of fourth-wall-breaking pain tolerance. To activate the rune, pull out a bucket of ice water. The player who keeps their hand in the water the longest, gets to one roll value at a time of their choosing.

a spoon that allows you to eat anything you spoon it with but does not improve the taste, texture, or any other physical or magical quality of said thing

>>735660087
Give it to the bard.

Two magically anthropomorphic bags of holding who's personalities lead them to intense sexual frustration. If left unchecked, they will have an aggressive open-mouth kissing contest

>>735660270
burlap-blowjob-induced death by exhaustion

>>735660270
the kiss that broke the universe