Greentext story thread. Bonus points for OC or the full "the

>>734999890
kek, my middle school thought I was a tard too

>be me
>be in 3rd grade
>be required to catalog every book that we check out and read from the library
>fuck that
>Imma read all the books and not log it
>have lowest book score in class despite having read more books than any of them
>mom sees report card, makes me catalog
In one day I went from bottom of the list to numero uno. I got a plaque on the wall.

File: snickering-11815867837_xlarge.gif (65KB, 282x329px) Image search: [Google]

65KB, 282x329px

>>735000588
I got one more

>be me
>be in 3rd grade
>government suit guy comes into the school
>pulls out me and two other tards
>tasked to arrange hula hoops to create the most intricate Venn-diagram possible
>after some deliberation, tard #1 takes a crack at it
>tard #2 makes an attempt
>I sit back, let them have their fun
>the government suit guy shows us the solution
>now is my time to speak up
>I interject with a design that vastly improves upon his
>he goes stonefaced for a few moments
>"oh...uh, yeah, yeah that works too."
>mfw as a 3rd grader I beat the government-appointed adult at a mental task

File: 1470417874588.jpg (21KB, 183x183px) Image search: [Google]

21KB, 183x183px

>>734999890
>sixth grade got moved up
>SIXX grade got moved LOG

>>735001219
How do you vastly improve a venn diagram?
This green text is a lie

File: oh shit.gif (1016KB, 200x150px)

1016KB, 200x150px

not really a story about being a tard but a funny one
>be me
>4th grade anon
>nerdy weird dude but that isnt relevent
>big fucking loud black girl in our grade is annoying and always wants attention
>whips out a cell phone and everyone is acting amazed
>some people call bullshit that its a real phone
>explains that she could prove it was a real phone (now she has done some crazy ass shit but this is #1)
>bitch calls the emergency services
>teacher was out of the room for like 2 minutes grabbing books or some shit and all this went down
>after the operator picks up she hung up, however they traced the phone and responded in case of emergency
>mfw in 5 minutes after calling BS on a phone there are now 3 fire trucks, some cop cars, and an ambulance outside and now no one knows why
>eventually found out it was her and she got suspended

Elementary school was a fun time

>>735001843
by simply condensing the rings and creating more overlaps

File: IMG_2258.jpg (19KB, 258x195px) Image search: [Google]

19KB, 258x195px

I got a funny story
>Be Me
>Senior
>Have a Junior Friend
>Goes up to me and told me he finally saw that Zootopia movie
>Ask him if he went to the theatre
>Says no and says he found it while in Pornhub
>Wtf
>Said that we was on Pornyub and then clicked a couple links and then he was watching zootopia
>MFW

>>735001219
Kek. And the reading was the only thing I did in grade school. Susan B. Anthony was my shit in 4th grade. I got the chance to correct teachers a few times, and like you it was in math type subjects. Once I got put into the advanced math program in middle school I use to get in heated arguments with kids. One time the teacher sat there with a huge smile on his face when I got into a heated argument about an equation in geometry. He loved how passionate I got haha

>>735001988
I have a feeling you're such a dipshit retard that you think you have super intelligence. I bet you run with your arms behind your back because you think it makes you run faster.

>>735002293
OP here. This anon gets it. Not specifically a tard thread. Any greentext story is good. Just went for that one cup it's the only story you fags would believe without pictures that wasn't too long for one post. Needed fags here posting for my 2 parter. Can be longer if I go into detail. Story of how I ruined my high school sex life unintentionally. Anyone interested?

>>735002305
>I got into a heated argument about an equation in geometry
My nigga, I was a geometry tutor my Sophomore year... or was it my freshman year? I forget.

I was going to get moved up a grade but my parents decided to move me to catholic "school" where I learnt about weather for 2 years in a row, then another catholic school (much better than the first one) where I learnt biology for 2 years int a row.
So I basically spent much of my time reading about nuclear physics on wikipedia.

>>735002637
No but I knew that kid. His name was Paul. Not Robert or -son tho.

are this fake?

>>735002960
My community college employed me as a math tutor for the classes they offered while I was getting my core classes in before moving to a university. Math being my favorite subject during those bored days of doing my sister's homework really impacted my life. Kek

>>735003748
What are your thoughts on Matrices?
I fukken hate those things, I could never understand them and it ticks me off because I know those fuckers are mad useful.

File: IMG_5719.jpg (752KB, 1632x1224px) Image search: [Google]

752KB, 1632x1224px

My roommate's dog is a fucking retard. Here's the last couple of things he did

>be me, getting my hair cut by my roommate
>dog keeps eating the hair that falls on the floor
>despite trying to keep him away, ends up eating so much hair that he pukes
>tries to eat the puke
>we wouldn't let him eat the puke, so he ate more hair

This one happened a few hours ago
>has stuffed animal chew toys
>likes to rip open and disembowel toys of their stuffing
>few days later, take him on a walk
>takes a shit, huge cotton wad in his poop gets stuck halfway in his asshole
>goes full retard running in circles, chasing his tail to bite it, dragging his ass on the sidewalk
>every time you try to get close enough to pull it out of his ass he scoots on his butt away from you
>eventually manages to get the cotton wad out of his asshole
>tries to eat it again

such a fucktard
pic related

>>735004107
Okay, I'm going to be honest. I've never heard of them. Looked it up and the online explanation was shit at best. Your education must have been far more advanced than mine. Applications in algebra and calculus. I've taken both classes and never seen that. Maybe it's college level Calc? I didn't need to take it, and my degree had no room for electives.

>>735004891
>>735004107

"You must be to 18 to post on here"

Linear algebra is extremely useful for solving systems of equations, but it's also the most tedious and bullshit thing you will ever do. Comp sci also heavily utilizes it, for what I don't know, but it's still retardedly good to know.

This is the minute man speaking, delivering OC that I've delivered before.

>be at work, browsing tinder
>match with chubby mid 30's cunt with kids, going through a divorce
>asks me my weight, send her a shirtless pic
>sends me address of her hotel, asks me how long til I can be there
>I'm at work, it's midnight, tell her i can be there when I get off at 6 AM
>she says thats not fast enough
>I tell her in the next 30 minutes
>i immediately go on break
>drive to hotel, let me friends on discord know that I'm meeting tinder whore to uncuck myself
>they tell me not to go, i could get raped
>some egg me on
>I pull up, she tells me her room number
>the way shes talking makes me suspicious
>i decide fuck it, I'm going in, do it for the meme.
>I'm in the hotel lobby
>ask the man at the front desk a question
>"Where is room 143? Is it in this building?"
>He looks at me blankly before answering
>"Yes."
>a long pause, felt like minutes, probably only seconds
>"Well where is it?"
>"What's your name?"
>"Anon."
>he typed my name into his computer
>It's not showing up with any rooms
>"Your name isn't in here. Do you know the name of the person you're meeting here?"
>"no... I'll just have them come get me."
>pull out phone and predetermined that if this lady was real, she would be a landwhale.
>decide that when I see her, I would yell "DAMN YOU A FAT BITCH" and run
>I text her to come get me
>about 3 minutes later the whole building starts to shake
>as she waddles to the front desk, the glass windows start to crack
>she can see that I'm nervous
>"First time?"
>fuck man, play it cool.
>"nah."

>>735005753
>she walks me to her room
>I enter the room, scared it's a set up and I'm about to be raped by a nigger
>She locks the door behind us after we enter.
>"Can I check the closets and room?"
>"Hehe, go ahead, I understand."
>check the bathroom and closet, it's all empty
>she sits on one side of couch, the other side pops up
>I sit on the high end to bring it back down
>she starts to talk to me
>"So you're on break right now?"
>"Yeah."
>"So you're in a hurry?"
>"Not really."
>"You like older women?"
>Of course not you dumb cunt, you just happen to have a vagina and you're easy "Yeah."
>"Lots of younger boys like older women."
>she goes on about all the young men she has fucked ever since her husband initiated the divorce
>The clock is ticking, I'm already late getting back to work from break
>I make the first move
>I climb this mountain of a woman to reach her lips and we start making out
>she fucking straddles me
>lungs losing out on air
>getting weaker and weaker, I move this to the bed
>I suck on her titties
>I pull down her panties and start licking her pussy
>tastes a bit like stale piss
>shes obviously drunk, moaning a ton as a result
>eventually I pull my cock out and climb mt Everest again
>push my noodle into one of her caves
>so loose, feel like an explorer
>proceed to pump for about a minute
>cum immediately cause I imagine I'm pumping someone thinner and hotter
>keep humping cause I like to service m'ladys
>she moans for me to go slower
>proceed for about 3 more minutes, have to stifle my laughter
>I had my mic on my phone enabled in the discord server the whole time
>about 15 friends/strangers are listening to me pump a landwhale
>phone is literally buzzing nonstop from notifications
>shove face in landwhales tits so she doesn't see me laughing
>after a few more minutes, remember I have work

>>735005795
>I get off her, she slips under blankets, expecting me to cuddle
>women always want to fucking cuddle after fucking
>i just put on my clothes
>I grab my phone that's still buzzing off the hook
>I unsilence it and say
>"Can you guys hear me?"
>a girl says "Yeah?"
>everybody else is shooshing one another
>I look the landwhale dead in the eyes with the phone in front of my mouth, she can hear every single word
>I continue to stare her in the eyes and say
>"You know what they call me? They call me the minute man"
>the entire discord voice chat bursts out in laughter
>She's got this confused look on her face
>I turn around, unlock the door, and sprint outta there
>It's raining once I get outside
>I have been rebirthed by God himself
>Thank you mother nature
>She texts me a few minutes later calling me an asshole
>She tells me she's got herpes
>I tell her I've already got em
>She texts back "Do you really?"
>She's clearly worried, I called her out on her bluff with my own bluff
>dumb bitches gonna be bitches
>mfw the whole thing was recorded
>mfw I have the link to the recording
>mfw I always go back every few weeks to listen to it all over again.

OP here. Here's the story I originally wanted to post...
How I ruined my high school sex life(unintentionally)
>be me, 14 and 7th grade
>new school, know nobody
>goal is to make friend first as last school was so popular.
>after first week is over start art class
>have 2 or 3 friends. Not enough.
>see 7/10 girl sitting alone in art class.. Wtf?
>decide I'll befriend her
Friend 1 "don't do it dude, whole school hates her she's weird"
>just making friends man.
>no projects to work on so talk to her.
>she's pretty cool. Do this for about 3 months.
>become close.
>time to change to music class.
>asks me out during switch
>still not enough friends don't want to be loser
>tell her no
>she's visibly upset..
>continue middle school, join football and become popular
>after rejection she stops talking to me
Fast forward to junior year
>girl is now 8.5/10 if not more
>wanna hit it
>she's in my English class
>catch her looking at my junk
"like what you see?"
>acts embarrassed
"what are you talking about anon?
>I see you looking at my junk
"wut???"
>tell her it's okay and start flirting
>flirting goes well, some kissing, groping and shiz
>make sex advances and she ignores
>finds out that I like being scratched and bitten by my ex
>starts scratching my back during English all the time
>shit continues for a while until one day she catches me about to ditch class and puts me against the wall
>starts biting and kissing my neck. Puts her knee in my crotch. Anything she can do to turn me on
Cont?

File: 1431639978671.jpg (32KB, 448x545px)

32KB, 448x545px

>>735005818
>mfw you didnt include the link to the recording

>>735005818
>>735006749
here's the link
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5UW99Mltn6E&t=181s

>>735006309
man this reeks of being absolutely fake but I'll suspend my disbelief for the sake of a story, continue.

>>735005818
>"You know what they call me? They call me the minute man"

hearing that put my sides into orbit, holy fuck anon. Made my day 11/10 would reccomend

>>735006309
Nobody? It ends in disaster..

>>735007453
i jsut said I do you fuck nugget now continue on with your fake story

>>735004107
>>735003748
>>735004891
just leave

>>735007626
u right the story seems fake or at best ''worked upon''

>>735007104

>Bitch gets me hard. She has 3 friend with her
"OMG! Anon is hard hehe! "
>I told you ladies
>I know now. Bitch has a vendetta
>start ignoring her and getting angry when she pulls the shit.
Fast forward to school trip
>saw romeo and juliet
>go to the biggest mall around after
>friends are all fags and want to spend all their time at gamestop
>imedgyandwannagotohottopic.gif
>walking to hot topic meet tease girl
"anon you going to hot topic too??? Let's go together!"
>don't wanna come off a looser so agree.
>spends entire time teasing me asking which choker looks bests. Now it's Spencer's gifts
>drags me to the sexy section
>being a total tease so look at the funny cringe shirts.
>start leaving to go meet up with friends. She grabs me by my arm
"anon! Let's go to Victoria's secret!
>think maybe I'll get a model show so I go
>cashier is staring at me and I feel super awkward.
>blonde chick and bf so up and tease and bf run of..
>look sympathetically at her
"wanna hang out?"
>she looks a little better
>we fuck off a bit and get to know each other.
>meet up with douche and tease when we walk into American Eagle... This is where shit gets to the point.
Cont?

>>735008419
dont ask just do it

i already feel the bullshit flowing out

>>735008419
why u asking for continue again we already expressed interest

>>735008419
>cashier is staring at me and I feel super awkward.
>blonde chick and bf so up and tease and bf run of..
>look sympathetically at her
>"wanna hang out?"
>she looks a little better

what the fuck are you even trying to say?

>>735009031
yeah that part makes no fucking sense its like OP had a stroke at the end

>>735009031
>>735009184
well by the way his story is progressing i think there might be a different issue, really hoping the end is worth it

>>735006309
go on

File: asset.155866.jpg (26KB, 1000x1000px) Image search: [Google]

26KB, 1000x1000px

>be me last year
>19
>just begun studying history at the university
>all summer i've been listening to a podcast about pens
>the pen addict podcast
>sitting in a seminar
>sitting next to a qt3,13 grill i'm sort of talking to
>writing with the best pen i've ever used
>uni-ball jetstream
>japanese made
>nib is 1.0, because the only nib size they have at the book store on campus
>would prefer a 0.5 - 0.7, but it's great nonetheless
>writing about some boring shit regarding historical perspective or something
>notice my pen is slowly drying up
>start to panic
>luckily just 15 min til break
>lecturer tells us she'd like to skip it and leave early
>panic intensifies
>palms sweating, i raise my hand
>ask if i'm allowed to go to bookstore to buy a new pen
>people all around me start offering pens
>ohno.gif
>lecturer comes over, while i've been sitting silent in my own spaghetti
"it's your lucky day, you can use my *insert commercial pen*"
>i begrudgingly accept with an awkward smile
>pen was awful, nib scraped along the paper
>went and bought a new pen as soon as i could get out
>never talked to grill again

FIN

Pic related, it's the same type of pen

>>735001893
>4th grade anon
>cell phone
you pimp you

>>735009504
>>735009184
>>735009031

I think what he's saying is there was ANOTHER boy and girl there, who were dating, and the guy left her there so the protagonist talked to the girl that was ditched and is now hanging out with her instead of the tease girl.

AND THEN they went to American Eagle where to guy was to make the guy jealous by teasing each other in front of him. And the tease girl is still in Victoria's secret I think.

>>735009504
>>735009031
fucking got it now, tease girl had a boyfriend and they both left the victorias secret. he got the cashier to hang out with him

>>735009572
what the fuck

>>735009572
dude i couldve used an autist like you when i wrote a long ass report on different pencils, i chose the subject on my own, thinking it would be easy, only to find out there are actual Pen nazi's circling the internet

>>735009694
you're right, but actually the tease and the other girls boyfriend went to american eagle

>>735009999
so you and the other guy swapped girls? i dont get it, why did you even leave tease girl

File: 1483831469455.jpg (6KB, 120x200px) Image search: [Google]

6KB, 120x200px

>>735009999
quads baby

>>735009737
ok this makes more sense, but who is "blonde chick" and who asked who to hang out? is he saying she looks better appearance wise or she was sad and after he asked her to hang out, she smiled?

>>735009988
>>735008844

>>735010072
and repeating dubs, bretty cool

>>735010051
not OP, im just saying from what I read it looks like OP left the tease girl because she was just being a bitch, they didnt swap it just happened to be the girl and boyfriend at the american eagle after.

>>735010183
why did you use words like ''you're right'' and ''actually the tease''

>>735010051
oh the bf stole "tease" girl, so the protagonist is now hanging out with the gf, and now they're gonna have a dual stand off in american eagle

>>735010122
read this
>>735009694
and also this
>>735009999
OP asked the blonde girl to hang after her boyfriend left with tease girl

>>735001719
No matter how hard you try, no matter how many reposts, nobody will ever make this a thing except you, John.

>>735009572
>podcast about pens
>talking about nib size and shit
>genuine spaghetti over pen drying up
Always good to see that there are still weirdos on /b/

>>735008419
I meant the tease and the blonde chick's boyfriend took off.

Anyway
>blonde chick and douche meet back up. I'm back with tease slut. Go back ND meet up with vidya faggot friends. Talk vidya for a couple hours
>2 weeks pass
>decide to go from bus to gas station to get monster.
>meet female friend. Walk to school with her.
>start doing this daily for 2 weeks
>blonde girl comes up to me and asks if we're dating.
>no just close friends
(she was dating my bro at the time)
"then can you introduce us??? Her hair I so cuuteee"
Was into the scene style
>Blonde and I get get close
>dude dumps her and I have my chance after a couple months.
>start flirting and suddenly, walk to breakfast one day, see two women walking towards you
>tease and possible new girl
>both slap me
>Mfw they were cousins
>Mfw all the school saw
>Mfw I was now labeled as a man whore
>Mfwy Horniness ruined everything
>Mfw I still don't know why

>>735010335
Why are we spending time trying to analyze this when OP could just be more clear? fuck i hate 14 year olds going into victorias secret

>>735010685
please give the characters names or identifiers and then continue to use those names throughout for consistency. I want to read a fake greentext, not decipher what a mentally retarded 14 year old is trying to say.

File: dream_f508fbf894.jpg (177KB, 949x633px) Image search: [Google]

177KB, 949x633px

>>735010685
Basically you hung out with actual GIRLS when you were 14, didnt get any, and only got embarressed infront of the entire school

WILD LIFE

File: 1484285600342.jpg (38KB, 475x356px) Image search: [Google]

38KB, 475x356px

>>735010685
destroyed
you should've banged her when you had the chance to

>>735010690
>>735010940
>>735010960
honest to god this was a fucking waste of time

OP is a summerfag

File: bratbrat.jpg (7KB, 300x168px) Image search: [Google]

7KB, 300x168px

>>735010685
Under arrest for buying monster under the age of 15

>Be me in 4th Grade
>Good at reading, and sent to smart kid reading with other nerds
>were kept in a small classroom with only one door that opens inwards.
>One day when we get there us bkys decide to be dicks, and hold the door closed so the girls cant get in.
>The girls are pushing real hard to get in.
>All 7 or so of us boy are keeping out 10ish girls and laughing.
>One of the boys looks through the tiny window in the door and yells "The Teacher is out there!"
>oh shit
>The boys scatter
>The door slams inwards and traps me behind the door.
>The tard teacher blames me and ONLY me for holding the door shut on all those people.
>I am sent to normal kid reading until the next year.

>>735010685
Yeah I don't understand how this has a disastrous end. So a girl was teasing you, (one who was dating your brother but still flirted with you) and the cousin was pretending not to know her own cousin, and tried flirting with you as well, to wish you responded to as well, and they both come up to you one day and slap you and therefore "exposing" you? Why did the cousin pretend to not know the tease?

Furthermore, why is a 14 year old on 4chan?

File: received_739174139591632.jpg (29KB, 720x720px) Image search: [Google]

29KB, 720x720px

>>735010685
That was the least satisfying story I've ever heard.

>be me working as a dishwasher in a new restaurant
>owner is still in debts so as long as that's going on he's living tight
>he's got 2 kids, this is relevant later
>owner always puts his and his kids clothes in a garbage bag and gives it to the company who also washes our towels and work clothes
>I'm cleaning up at the end of the night and throw all the garbage bags away, see garbage bag in the bucket for dirty laundry, don't open it but instead just think "what retard out this garbage bag in there" and put in the big garbage container.
>few days later sitting with coworkers when boss comes in angry as fuck (no surprise there, since he's always angry..)
cont.

File: 53085382.jpg (66KB, 407x405px)

66KB, 407x405px

>>735011234
OH NO SHE DID NAAAAAAAAAAWT, SENT YOU BACK TO THE NORMIES?

>>735011503
Yup. I went from reading "Where the Red Fern Grows" to "Class Cown." It was a disapointment. I finished Red Fern on my own time cus I enjoyed the reading. Class Clown was shite.

File: 7aLr1Xc.jpg (56KB, 600x600px)

56KB, 600x600px

>>735011189
What a fucking story man, being 14 going after girls and getting dumbed? fuck i got one for you from when I was 14

>In the mother fucking school sitting casually by sofas
>we all sitting basically in a circle
>The ''crazy boy'' of the class sits down next to hot grill 8/10
>Arms around, then arms on leg, and arms on her actual boooob
>she gets uncomfortable, everyone else gets uncomfortable
>everyone realize he is actually just a perv
End of story bitches CRAZY wasnt it, wow, and it only took one message

File: 1448161014106.png (47KB, 200x172px) Image search: [Google]

47KB, 200x172px

>>735011306
>Boss talking about some fucking retard who threw his clothes and his kids clothes away
>some people agreeing with him, some saying they get why it was thrown away since it was in a garbage bag
>"no goddamnit this person is retarded" -boss
> manager says "anon, didn't you threw away the garbage bags yesterday?"
>palms are sweaty, my italian restaurant's spaghetti
>make up excuse and nobody pays attention to me anymore
>safezone
>turned out that all of one of his kids clothes were in that one bag, dude ain't got no clothes
>walk by my work next dayand see my boss' oldest son (8y/o) with "clothes" from a few huge pieces of cloth, simply because there was nothing else
>looking like a total crackhead
>mfw I made that happen
>mfw someone walked by and gave my boss some coins and said "goodluck pall"

File: 1460668397275.png (439KB, 555x766px)

439KB, 555x766px

>>735011802
Man u got me hard u finished book at home during free time AND another book?? shit dawg u gotta be swimmin in debussi boi.
Next time dont be fucking weak and shut the teacher out with em lil bitch

>>735012108
better than expected

>>735012163
Hahaha. I know you're being sarcastic, but I enjoyed this exchange.

Best regards, Stranger.

>>735012342
yea whatever, if that was the best story from your life im thinking maybe its best if u dont share at all. But you know, stay safe.

File: The Don.png (843KB, 1520x3864px)

843KB, 1520x3864px

>>734999890
The Don, you say?

So after that massively disappointing greentext that faggot OP gave us, the Minute Man will share another.

>be myself, but this time 15 years old, freshman in high school
>sandy hook just happened
>chilling with best friend at the park
>playing magic the gathering
>park is right next to an elementary school
>the elementary school has a fence surrounding it
>we hop the fence when it gets dark
>just looking for shit to do other than play Magic the Gathering
>check the back doors to the school
>one of them is unlocked
>9 pm at this time, go in the school
>enters into a hall, can hear the janitorial night staff vacuuming and cleaning, etc
>we sneak into the cafeteria which has a breakroom and stage
>enter the breakroom, janitors still working
>find a box on the wall filled with keys on hooks
>take a 5 gallon empty water jug and a 48 box of poptarts
>fill the empty jug with all the keys and walk out the door
>set all the keys on random doorsteps around the neighborhood
>wear gloves so we don't leave fingerprints
>stash the poptarts for later
>go back to the school through the back door
>janitors are now in breakroom, just out of sight of stage

>>735012578
starting good

>>735012578
interesting

>>735004682
You've obviously never owned a dog anon.

File: images.jpg (21KB, 222x227px)

21KB, 222x227px

>be me
>own 300 child slaves
>one day they aint there
>explore dungeon
>find hole, leads to mineshaft
>see child slaves with rifles
ohfuck.gml
>go to hell
>P
pic related, its hell (but its actually a pic from u/pknessstorm on reddit)

>>735012578
>go on stage
>leave notes all over that say "Tunnel Snakes Rule"
>find the school mascot outfit (think: furry jaguar suit)
>we find a long chapter book as well
>at this point all the janitorial staff is in the break room eating a meal together
>friend looks at me and says
>"I dare you $200 to put this suit on and set this book down on their table and walk away"
>put together a secret code in the book displaying a message if accurate decoded
>message read "Tunnel Snakes rule, we hid your keys in neighborhood"
>I put on suit, grab book, walk to the break room
>enter room
>nobody notices at first, feel invisible despite janitors at table are facing me
>theyre just too focused on their food to notice me
>walk a few feet up to the table
>set down book
>book touches table
>catch the eye one petite female janitor
>she screams
>all other janitors look up and scream as well
>walk out of break room and around the corner
>hear the screaming turn to laughter and one janitor yells out in her mexican accent
>"Who iss itttt????"
>she thinks a coworker was playing a joke on them
>in reality it was a completely stranger - me
>my friend is already out the door we came in
>i walk to door, open it, and walk through
>as soon as I'm through the door and 100% sure they cant see me, I sprint
>while running take off the head piece
>rain touches my cheeks
>I have been reborn by mother nature herself
>strip off the rest of the mascot suit while running
>run to back part of fence where it's easiest to hop
>leave suit scattered in wet grass to be rained on
>hop fence and rendezvous with my friend

File: picard-giggling.jpg (4KB, 300x168px) Image search: [Google]

4KB, 300x168px

>>735013025
Had pretty much the same expierence
>first time drinking with friend, only 3 of us
>friend goes all out
>pukes on floor
>his dogs tries to lick what is basically pure vodka, stomach acid, and pieces of food
>i attempt to hold him back but the fat fuck weighs 35kg
>he gets a quite a lot, until im able to drag him into a different room, we slept there
>Year later, at party, dog is licking hugging and licking
>''haha naw dont lick me in the face, i know where that tounges been''

>>735004682
genuinely keked for the first time in weeks
thank you good sir

>>735013439
the next day?

>>735013439
sounds fake, i mean $200 bet at 15? coded message? mexicans?

>>735005678
ooplee mathematics are for making jumpdiddley poo two fordaloo in scoop meep jiggly bumpbomb in the woogly gewd stew of beef math level 576 chain meatloaf coca cola

thats what you sound like with your number essays

File: 4477653-0379058264-conte.jpg (50KB, 489x474px)

50KB, 489x474px

>>735013663

File: eJwFwdENhSAMAMBdGIBioULdhiBBEwUC1R_zdn93n3rGpTZ1iPS5AeznTG3sekobsWRdWitXjv2cOrUbokhMx52rTEAXaGUiJrcSWwwG7IJmcUw-eMMeGRnyGyta3WtRvz_ivCH3.png (12KB, 59x73px) Image search: [Google]

12KB, 59x73px

>>735013439
>get away completely free, for now
>friend starts running his mouth at school the following week
>talking about this awesome event that happened to EVERYONE
>he has a picture to go validate our story
>eventually he tells this girl named Camy
>Camy's dad is a janitor at that very elementary school
>while he wasn't working that night, he heard the story through co workers
>apparently the school called the cops to report
>Camy tells the highschool about the story
>the HIGHSCHOOL (which was never involved) is now involved as they have a suspect
>I get called into the school office and so does he
>separately
>I deny everything
>he denies everything
>luckily he left his phone at home by accident today so they can't get it
>they call his parents
>his parents don't say anything but out of curiosity they grab his phone
>they find the photo
>when my friend gets home his parents give him an ultimatum
>"Either you admit this was you or I give the police this photo"
>Luckily he didn't fuck me over and admitted to police it was him
>apparently police were going to DNA test the mascot suit but get the confession so no need to
>his punishment? had to serve community service for 2 weeks whenever they decide to call on him for it
>he was in student council anyway and they always do tons of community service so not really a punishment
>mfw I get off completely free

File: 2080640-geoff.jpg (47KB, 553x355px)

47KB, 553x355px

>>735014187

>>735013879
Oo my bad, it was $100

forgot to finish on that part

>after he confesses to police and his parents know about the whole thing I ask him about the money
>he promises he'll get it for me
>half a week passes, ask him again
>he says it's in the bank, just needs to get to an ATM
>asks his mom for his debit card (lmao his mom held onto it)
>she asks if it's because of the bet, visibly upset, while im standing right fucking there
>no fucks given
>He says yes
>she gives him his card and he barely has the $100 for me
>take it anyway, it was my ass on the line

File: e6dd636a0b35d6b31e777cb69ffac1ce.png (138KB, 634x374px)

138KB, 634x374px

>>735014468
dope

>>735014468
I'm glad I took the $100 because he never got me a christmas gift in return for the one I got him

Even tho we agreed to get eachother christmas gifts.

I'm still waiting for my christmas gift, but he acts like he's too popular now to speak to scum like me.

>>735014598
yeah you're probably scum though

he might be too

File: twitdms.png (77KB, 504x822px)

77KB, 504x822px

>>735014598
Last time I talked to him cause I blocked him shortly after. I got him a fuckin pack of Magic the Gathering cards, a gay porno book, and an $80 harmonica (cause he was into harmonicas for a while)

We aren't gay tho, just bought him the gay porno book for the meme, and it was a good one at that.

File: gay.png (34KB, 945x255px)

34KB, 945x255px

>>735014851
Found the purchase in my Amazon history lol

File: 1493002591120.jpg (32KB, 567x561px)

32KB, 567x561px

>>735014851
Being this butthurt over a Christmas gift from 4 years ago

>>735015049
he prolly broke cuz yung nigga took $100 from him, now thats a great mark up from a $4.5 purchase of a gay lovers book from amazon and i respect the investment but bruh

>>735014851
yea we bought a Minions sex story for about the same price for our friend. Didnt care enough to get something in return, because we often just buy stupid cheap shit we find. 20 copies of Nintendo Wii Sports, all the shop had available, for like $10, gave them to him during class, and he is a shy fucker too. Hilarious. Nigga didnt even own a wii

>>735004682
>pug
that explains it

>>735015049
It's not the gift itself, it's the principal.

After freshman year of highschool he started to steal all my jokes but would publicise it on twitter and became one of the "popular" kids by stealing all my jokes and shit. and after he got "popular" he stopped being my friend and started to treat me like shit. Jokes on him tho, because now that he's graduated highschool he's nothing.

An couple examples of jokes he stole and shit:

1. we had a pokemon battle at school in jr high and got a big circle of kids to start chanting "Fight! Fight! Fight!" so that EVERYBODY ran to the circle only to see me and him and our other friend coaching a stupid pokemon card game. Even the campus police and the principal came to break up the "fight." It was chill and everything until he ALONE was interviewed for the year book about it where he claimed sole responsibility for coming up with the idea and taking all credit.

2. I walked up to the clique of black kids in our school (based in arizona so only about 20 black kids in the whole school and they only hung out with each other, real ghetto types, complete nig nogs) and I pretended to be mentally retarded and asked them to come over to my house after school to play Madden '97 on the NES, eat watermelon and drink grape soda. After I told my friend he did the exact same thing but got a ton of people to watch who then spread the shit everywhere and taking full credit once again.

It's not so much that he stole my jokes and shit that bothers me, or that he took credit. It's that I BUILT HIM and he has the audacity to act like he made himself and just drops me as a friend.

Jokes on him tho cause he peaked in highschool

youtube vid of the pokemon battle, it's cringy but it validates what I'm saying

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9IA4IekFp6Y

>>735015879
sounds like you got cucked

Not sure why you wanna take credit for that but whatever, fun as a kid i guess.

>>735009572
HOLY SHIT IM LAYING IN BED NAKED EATING MAC AND CHEESE WITH BLUE CHEESE DRESSING ON TOP OUT OF A BOWL MADE OF NAPKINS WHILE I DRINK MILK FROM A USED CEREAL BAG. I TAKE BATHS IN A TUB WITH MY DIRTY LAUNDRY AND EAT CEREAL AND OR SOUP OUT OF THE SINK WHILE I SHIT ON THE TOILET AND YOU ARE WEIRD EVEN TO ME

>>735015879
This is now a cringe thread

>>735015879
Lmao my nigga you're telling me your ex gay lover got popular over a pokemon card battle?

>>735014187
HE DIDNT BURN THE SUIT

DIDNT FUCKING BURN THE SUIT!?!???!?!?!

FUCKING AMATURE

ID KILL A FUCKER OVER THAT SHIT

>>735016808
He did get really popular from the pokemon battle.
And he always told me it would be my turn to be on top next, but it was never my turn. Whenever we had sex it was always his turn.

>>735015879
Don't be hung up over some shit that happened years ago. He proved to be a terrible person and all you can do is move on from that.

>>735014851
You sound so cringey. Jesus

>>735017112
Watch his yt channel filled with cringe vids jesus christ

File: jesusfag.png (2MB, 1015x710px)

2MB, 1015x710px

>>735016808
in part, yes, but it was many jokes and shit he would steal and take credit for that got him popular

I think he really went downhill when he started dressing up like Jesus when he would go to school

>>735017204
to be fair, i dont think its HIS youtube video, he is upset he didnt get any of the 'fame' you know

>>735017414
lmao actually? what a legend
sorry but that shits funny

>>735017051
you're telling me he got LAID from that pokemon video?!

File: 1219219281.png (248KB, 304x521px)

248KB, 304x521px

Most autistic thing I've ever done

>be me
>be first-year university
>first week meet and greet with other students
>several upper year students to help with ice breaks and such show students around
>third day still haven't talked to anyone that much
>on the third day the upper students duty is done and they can go party
>Invite us to party nearby
>large group of new people meet to go to party
>go and get drunk as usual
>Have a pretty good time and leave with a couple other people
>pretty hammered at this point
>Find a shopping cart on walk back
>One kid decides to jump in as we push him around
>get to a pretty steep hill
>Drunk me thinks it would be fucking hysterical to push him down it
>fucking go for it
>hopping cart takes off slowly but starts picking up speed
>guy obviously starts freaking the fuck out
>me start laughing my ass off
>bottom of hill has slight curb with about 3 feet of grass and then a big brick wall of a building
>cart slams into curb and guy rockets into building
>guys head hitting wall sounded like dropping a fucking bowling ball
>goes completely limp
>everyone else starts to panic and sprints over to him
>drunk me still thinks this isn't serious and laughing my ass off
>girl in group starts losing her mind at me
>they call a goddamn ambulance for the guy
>get back and everyone found out and is calling me a lunatic
>mfw they said I tried to murder this guy
>mfw this guy was in the hospital for 5 days

Was still pretty funny at the time

>>735013025
I've never owned a dog that retarded

>>735017705
That's some sociopathic shit right there

>>735017705
holy shit

>>735017705
yeah shit does sound hilarious, i mean closest i got to this was when we were headed from a pre party to a buss and my friend goes
''race me anon''
i answer with something like ''what kind of autistic person races as an adult''
He runs alone and continues to floor the ground just 10 meters infront of us (we had all been drinking, he more than most)
I laugh and we dont realise until later that he got a concussion. We DID however help him with a skinned knee and called a cab for him

>>735017552
The name is "keenang" or whatever, look at the DM screenshot where the other dude says Keenan to him. Obviously this is really true or someone is comitting his life to baiting me, and in that case you're just as sad as someone getting upset over pokemon battles and other shitty jokes
End of the day: keenan is a fag, his ex boyfriend is a fag, I'm a beta fag on 4chan at 04:21 in the morning and the earth keeps rotating around the sun. Fuck me.

>>735018162
huh, you're right, didnt check his name
this just got even cringier

Another green text from the minute man
>Be me, sophomore year high school
>sitting in engineering when the freshman class has to come in for some reason
>qt3.14 freshman sitting behind me
>this was a time in my life when /b/ was teaching me how to be more alpha
>start talking to the girl with all the confidence in the world
>grab her hand and hold it, she doesn't even pull away, she actually likes it
>class eventually ends and and I tell her to give me her email (had no phone)
>she writes it down and gives it to me
>I go home and email her right away
>we hit it off on the internet
>find out we have the same lunch hour
>hang out during lunch but complete silence
>we barely utter a word to each other
>for some reason it's super fucking awkward now
>bell rings, I awkwardly hug her goodbye
>get home, continue emailing her as if nothing happened at all
>we decide to get a notebook we would both draw/write in and pass it back and forth
>we come up with idea to start a comic together
>she draws a page and hands it to me, I take it home and draw a page, give back to her, she takes it home........ you get the point
>continue like this where we do this comic thing and chat on email all the time
>about 6/7 days pass
>she finally brings it up
>"Why don't you talk to me when we are in person?"
>"I don't know."
>we decide that tomorrow at school during lunch we will try to talk in person again
>meet up during lunch next day
>complete silence once again
>absolutely fucking awkward
>we go our separate ways once the bell rings
>awkwardhug.jpg
>i get home
>get on email to message her
>email her acting all lovey and cool and shit
>she responds "Oh... I thought we weren't talking anymore."
>"What do you mean?"
>"Well we don't talk in person, so I don't want to be with you. Goodbye."
>I found her at school the next day to give her the comic, my page still empty

feelsbadman

>>735004682
good doggy

>>735018525
Didn't expect to feel the feels mister minute :'(

>>735018525
naw, we've all been cringy before, and still am.
I kind off get her though, just continuously writing over chat and never in real life, its pretty bad.

oh man highschool was full of cringe for me
minuteman again
>walking around during lunch one day
>take a seat at the table of nerds playing Magic the Gathering
>girl sitting there, not sayin a peep
>she's playin with her cell phone
>I'm still in alpha stage so I don't ask, I just grab her phone from her hands
>write a message on the phone for her and hand it back to her (I'm still a beta phoneless cuck at this time)
>we have a full blown conversation during lunch but only using the text on her phone
>we decide to meet up next morning before school in library so I can teach her how to play Magic the Gathering
>wait all night in anticipation
>get to school super early to see her
>she sits down across from me
>I start explaining to her how to play
>make some small talk
>"So, femanon, what's your favorite color?"
>"Uhhhh, uh, uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh..... Whats your favorite color?"
>"Green"
>"Oh thats mine tooo!!!!!""
>that was weird, but brush it off
>ask her another question
>"When were you born?"
>"Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, uhhhh, uhhhhhhhhh.... When were you born?"
>"*insert date here*"
>"Oh wow! I was born *insert date here* too!"
>it was at that moment i realised
>potato.png
>she is mentally retarded
>literally
>no joke
>realisation hits me
>not even 5 minutes since she sat down and I'm looking for an escape
>"I uh... told my friends I would meet them so I gotta go, seeya"
>pack up my cards and leave never to talk to her again

Not even God can save me.

>>735018525
>>735019131
Just when I thought I couldn't get worse... Got any more?

>>735007104
You fucking legend.

>>735019131
let me wrack my brain a bit, I know I've got more.

>>735010166
MOAR DUBS.

>>735010685
this was the dumbest fucking greentext i've ever read

what are you, 13?

File: DelarocheNapoleon.jpg (10KB, 220x292px) Image search: [Google]

10KB, 220x292px

>be me
>be just out of 8th grade, on stupid mission trip to the ghettos of detroit with stupid church
>the organization who are behind the mission has this giant center rented out for the 10,000-some people there, and i'm in it with kids from my church.
>we have to go to this really shitty sermon-thing our youth leader made us go to, it's boring as fuck and we're surrounded by 20-some year old beta NEET's disguised as confirmation youth leaders.
>one of the adults organizing it lets me go outside because i am visibly pissed off about my boredom.
>i have this dank-ass yo yo that i brought on the trip, and i'm fooling around with it as i walk around the halls
>after about 25 minutes of sulking about, i head back to the room.
>outside the door, there's this small group of 3 girls, roughly my age.
>one says:
"hey, nice yo yo, kid."
>i say thanks, she asks me my name and where i'm from.
>we talk for a while, have a couple of laughs, and calls me: "yo yo kid".
>she gives me her number.
FUCKYEA.jpg
>i head back to the room, and i tell the other boys in my church group
>they congratulate me, pat me on the back, tell me stuff like; "anon's a player now, hell yeah!"
>after the day is over, we head back to hotel's we rented out
>i text the number the girl gave me, just say hi or something
>person texts back:
"who is this"
>i decide to play slick-like, say:
"the yo yo kid."
>no reply back, ever.

bitch probably just gave me some random friend's number.

>>735005678

I took linear algebra 2 semesters ago, and took computer graphics the semester after. I aced the first exam when the average was around an 80 strictly because of that shitty linear algebra class. I'm never going to use it again, but it was useful that semester for certain.

minuteman again
>8th grade jr high
>been browsing 4chan for a year at this point
>never thought I was gay and still don't but
>after watching enough anal porn clench my buttcheeks shut (no airflow) when im laying in bed for sleep
>wait until it gets sweaty enough to use sweat as lube
>put finger up my ass
>feelsgoodman
>progress up to a sharpie
>then grapes
>eventually move my ritual to the downstairs bathroom
>grab a zuchini from my fridge and a small ramekin of oil
>go to bathroom
>oil up zuchini and shove it up my ass
>leave zuchini and oil in the cabinet under the sink
>forget about it
>2 weeks later
>my dad shouts for us at the top of his lungs
>my mom found it and brought it to him
>he's furious
>questions me
>deny everything
>my big brother is at work
>my dad starts to pin the blame on him
>he gets home from work
>my dad has him sit down in the living room
>asks him why there was a zucchini and oil in the cabinet
>he instantly blows up and says "YOU THINK IM SHOVING A ZUCCHINI IN MY ASS?"
>my dad says "WHY DID YOU INSTANTLY ASSUME THAT'S WHAT I MEANT? BECAUSE IT WAS YOU?!"
>"NO, IT'S PROBABLY ANONS."
>"NO, IT WAS YOU!"
>my brother is so furious he starts packing his clothes and shit
>says this is bullshit and he's moving out
>we all just watch
>my dad grabs me and asks me in secret if it was mine
>I confess cause I feel bad
>he asks what I was doing with it
>"I uh... I was trying to make... fake poop for a video. brown log covered in oil to make it look greasy."
>he knows, i knew he knows, he knows i know he knows
>tfw he brings it up STILL when i visit
>drops references in front of my girlfriends about a "zucchini" whenever i bring one home

>>735012564
Fuck yeah the best greentext.

>>734999890
Got a good one but it's pure saddness
>be me 13 years old
> back then we used MSN
>meet qt3.14 at my school
> too shy to talk to her so I just find out her email and add her on msn
>really hit it off, we're both nerds and like comics, anime and stuff
>mfw she invites me to her birthday
>panic the whole day get my dad to help me look cool
>get to party
>ohfuckno.jpg
>it's her, 2 girl friends of hers and the 3 bullies from my school
>we're talking full on put me in the garbage bin every day bullies
>assholes start laughing at me and bully me all the time
>she wouldn't even talk to me
>at some point she's by the window alone
>ohshitopportunity.gif
>go to her, confess my feelings, tell her I'm really into her
>mfw she starts laughing
>mfw she tells me nothing will ever happen between us
>mfw I slowly understand this was all an elaborate farce on my expense
I just got my ass out of there. Never talked to her or her friends ever again.

>>735020248
oi I got a shitty party experience too
minute man here again
>freshman year of highschool
>hanging out with my bestfriend before he turned into a douche
>he says he's gonna go to a party in 30 minutes
>all the "popular" kids will be there
>best friend invites me
>"Is it really ok if I come? I don't wanna come if I'm not invited"
>"No it's chill bro, you can come"
>pull up to party (his dad drove us)
>get outta car, his dad drives away
>walk up to front door and ring the bell
>door opens up
>it's the party thrower's mom
>she invites us in
>we walk in
>the partygoers spot me behind my best friend
>one of them yells "OH MY GOD WHY ANON IS HERE"
>feelsbadman
>well, my friend's dad already drove off, might as well stick it through
>i'll just hang out with my friend the whole time
>friend ditches me near instantly and tells me not to cock block him as he talks to some dumb cunt he's trying to date
>party quiets down to watch a scary movie
>partygoers talk about how movie isn't even scary
>i say they just need to imagine themselves in the movie, then they'd be shittin themselves
>I take too long to get my point across and the whole room consecutively "shooshes" me and tells me to shut up
>spend remainder of party hanging out and jumping on the mattress with the 6 year old daughter
>had more fun with her anyway

>a few days pass
>hear that the kid who threw the party was soooo pissed off that I "crashed" the party
>feelsbadman

minuteman you are a weird man but you have great stories

File: 1493806668088.jpg (101KB, 500x496px) Image search: [Google]

101KB, 500x496px

>>735020194

>>735021080
thank you

>>735009572
>>735009988

Holy God. I can't stop laughing. These 2 posts are the reason I'm still on this shithole board.

File: 1495766818011s.jpg (3KB, 88x125px) Image search: [Google]

3KB, 88x125px

>Be me in 8th grade
>Be in band class, we all have lockers in the back for instruments and shit, these really thin, spaced out bars on the front instead of real doors
>Have crush on hot girl who played clarinet
>Valentine's day coming
>Get secret master plan
>Valentine's day
>Have box of those heart candies with my name and my phone number
>After class (Last band class of day) risk being late to next class but wait for the room to empty
>Slip it into her locker
>Come back after school to "Get something from my locker", really spying to make sure she gets them
>Go in to band room
>mfw when some fat kid had taken them out of her locker and was gorging himself on them
>mfw my chances were ruined by some fat tard
>mfw she moved to Georgia over the summer anyway so who gives a shit

>>735020959
MSN guy here
I hope you dumped that friend of yours after he didn't even stick up to you

>be 8y/o me playing outside of my school by myself ( I lived nearby )
>found a lighter but can't use it
> friend walks over (also lives nearby ) tell him I can't use the lighter, he shows me how to use it.
> my tiny hands could fit through the mailbox
> get idea
> take mail from school, light it up, put it back in mailbox
> next day the school smells like fire
Can't post a mfw pic but let's say I had a big smile to hide.
Have another one

>>735021374
Some moments in our lives define us.

This moment only defined that I am a massive cuck.

Loyalty is an old concept that must be thrown out the window, because anybody dumb enough to break your trust so blatantly is bound to do it again and again and again.

>>735021171
and honestly your better than that kid, fuck him

File: 1421832096398.jpg (8KB, 250x243px) Image search: [Google]

8KB, 250x243px

>>735021538
That was so beautiful and so sad

>>735005678
Linear algebra crosses with calculus to make vector calculus, which is gorgeous. Then, real and complex analysis; differential geometry; topology; statistical mechanics (quantum mechanics framework); that's about where I finished up.

>>735009572
Screenshotted

>>735002862
If we're in a greentext thread we are obviously interested

minuteman again
for a short period I was married
this is what happened after I got divorced

>remember this girl I trained at work a month before divorce
>all I have is her first name
>go on facebook and look up her first name
>sift through hundred of listing until I find her
>send her a message
>"Hey what's up?"
>"Nothing much, you?"
>"Honestly I'm a little drunk (my work friend bought my alcohol) but I think you're sexy as fuck."
>"Anon, I think you're sexy as fuck too. It's too bad you're married."
>"not anymore"
>she's at work but she tells me we will talk more when she gets home
>she gets home and starts drinking herself
>we talk some more but I'm so drunk and it's so late I accidentally fall asleep
>wake up in the morning
>check my facebook and snapchat
>she sent me nudes
>damn that's a nice body
>diamonds.jpg
>I text her saying we need to drink together
>she agrees, and still seems ecstatic
>she goes to work
>I get the bright idea that since she sent me nudes, I should send her a dick pick
>take a good half hour getting the best possible angle
>send it to her
>she doesn't respond
>I apologize for it and she starts responding half assed
>tells me she will talk to me when she gets home
>I'm working night shift that night so I'm at work by the time she gets home
>she doesn't text me back tho.
>check her snapchat, she made a public snap of her drinking wine in her apartment alone in the dark
>now I know she's home but she's choosing not to text me back
>go full autist
>send literally hundreds of texts overnight since work is slow anyway (6pm to 6am shift)
>i send them nonstop alllll night about how beautiful she is and how I want to be with her etc
>i get home and sleep
>wake up in the afternoon and check my phone
>still no response
>she blocked me on all social media
>tfw I could've gotten laid but literally sperged out and ruined it

>>735021273
Where she move to? I'm in Georgia

>>735022360
I know what you mean anon, its a slow burning hell. Women are evil (not all but a good bit)

File: 1463355162818.jpg (16KB, 352x482px)

16KB, 352x482px

This is really personal OC so i hope the other person who was involved doesnt browse here lol
>be me, 14
>edating
>s/o is around my age ane pretty scene
>"rawr x3" and "xD" was said a lot to each other
>really liked this girl at the time, she seemed to have broken up w her longtime bf to be with me
>around 8 months in we agree to meet @ PAX (not saying location for privacy reasons)
>convince parents to drop money, say it can pass for christmas and birthday present
>get there
>see scene gf
>runs over and gives me a hug
>had never been in a physical relationship with anyone i was into before, so I popped a boner and hid it beneath my hoodie
>fuckingpro.jpg
>walking around expo rly close together
>stop occasionally and rly rly rly kiss hard in the middle of the expo at places
>thosepoorpeople
>she gives me bear when i leave and say goodbye etc
>breakup like 4 months later bc it was weird returning
>be me now
>see the bear on a shelf
>scroll thru years of DMs on twitter
>find their profile
>look exactly the same
>mfw recalling what 14 y/o me did

File: 1489284236469.png (175KB, 392x309px)

175KB, 392x309px

>>735007104
You are a fucking god.

>>735007104
This better not be a rick roll

File: 1411190217349.png (241KB, 2179x2125px) Image search: [Google]

241KB, 2179x2125px

>>734999890

File: 1496379797536.png (353KB, 1409x1326px)

353KB, 1409x1326px

>>734999890
>>734999890

File: obama.jpg (22KB, 331x318px)

22KB, 331x318px

>>735022945
This is a good story. Many keks to be had. Reminds me of my own poop story.
This is Minuteman
>be 7 years old
>parents move us all to tiny nebraska bumfuck town with population of 1000
>i could walk the perimeter of the town in a couple hours
>hanging out with friends and sister at the park at the elementary/jrhigh/high school (they were all combined into one school due to small population of town
>for some reason I don't go home to take a shit
>shit on ground outside of school
>feel indian.jpg for a moment
>grab a stick
>pick up shit on the end of the stick
>fling it at the windows at the school
>big chunk of shit splatter on the wnidows and flattens out beautifully, like a pancake
>go home
>next day at school
>walking down hall single file with the class going to lunch
>pass by window
>shit still stuck on the window
>mfw

>>735010596
You and like maybe four other people on this website find this funny

File: 1496380069631.jpg (2MB, 1284x7572px) Image search: [Google]

2MB, 1284x7572px

>>735023344

aww man was hoping the don saga was finished by now

>be me 20 years old playing competitive videogame
>join the military and lose all videogame skill
>old teammate still plays so we get close
>stop playing because deployed
>Get back to find out he broke up wth his gf of 10 years
>msg her on twitter for a few weeks and she invites me over
>i live a state away (10 hour drive) so i stay the weekend
>we fuck and now things are getting serious
>been a few months
>shes still not over him completely
>she knows we still play videogame together
>i tell her all he does is talk shit about her and that he has another gf
>i listen to him cry over her almost every night on videogame and tell him its going to be ok

Am i a bad person?

>>735009572
I have a really good pen I can't seem to find more of, and I bought them in a pack of four, but I only have one left. I only use it when I really want to because I'm scared it'll dry up. If you want I can grab it and take a pic. P.s. I'm taking a shit and I'm about to hope in the shower, so reply soon or you'll have to wait.

File: duane.png (86KB, 256x256px) Image search: [Google]

86KB, 256x256px

>>734999890
Heres one
>be me
>in 6th grade
>getting bullied alot cause beta
>this one kid
>Trey
>I fucking hated trey
>he pretended to be gay around me and them made fun of me for yelling at him to stop
>one day on the bus
>hear him whispering to bus driver
>He wont be on the next morning because he needs to go to the doctors
>next week he whispers to her again
>He had AIDS
>Hatch my master plan
>get his facebook password from his little sister
>take pic of my own dick
>send it to all his friends and family
>"I want to infect you with my AIDS ridden cock
>He gets expelled for sexual harrassment
>I wasnt bullied anymore
>people thought he was trying to infect me and now feel sorry for me
>mfw

>>735023577
yes?

File: Reaction32.jpg (27KB, 321x322px)

27KB, 321x322px

>>735022496
She moved to Georgia, silly.

Somebody please screencap Minuteman. This is Poop Bandit-tier funny.

File: MinuteMan1.png (368KB, 1274x1244px) Image search: [Google]

368KB, 1274x1244px

>>735023885
Done

>>735023783
Ok but she's a 10 and she sucks my dick while i play videogames. Worth it

File: would.gif (875KB, 336x312px) Image search: [Google]

875KB, 336x312px

>>735002293
I've watched ripped movies on pornhub. Spankbang always has tons. way better than torrenting.

>>735024012
no?

>>735023862
What city anon? I'm desperate as fuck

File: MinuteMan2.png (419KB, 1338x1338px) Image search: [Google]

419KB, 1338x1338px

>>735024002
Just for those who don't wanna screencap themselves.

>>735023448
God damn that was a wild ride.

I feel as though all men want to become somebody important enough to carry a title that they will be called by. Catfishman, Minuteman... Whether it be foe or hero, we all want to be remembered.

>>735024361
Georgia's the city she moved to, that's what Anon said!

>be me
>highschool talent show
>sitting in back of theatre with edgy friends
>there are these two super annoying basic white girls behind us
>they complain ahout every single preformance
>theres this one kid playing guitar
>hes actually gay
>wearing short shorts
>the girls see this and start screetching that he should be dresscoded
>shutthefuckup.exe
>a few performances later theres this slow song playing
>people in the audience are holding up their phones and swaying to the music
>getsidea
>tell friend how funny it would be if one of us where to hold up a phone with something super offensive in it
>we both laugh at the idea
>a few more preformances go by
>the next performer is a german exchange student
>singing in german
>bring up the offensive phone thing to friend
"Yo dude imagine if someone held up a swastica during this!"
>both laugh
>friend pulls out his phone
>starts googling pictures of nazi flags
>other friend who I also told the offensive phone idea to sees
"Oh shit are we doing this?"
>first friend holds up his phone
>the brighness of the screen combined with the darkness of the theatre make the nazi flag super visable
>friend recives a punch to the shoulder
>its one of the annoying bitches from earlier
>the two of the start screetching at him
"Thats not fucking funny!"
>edgy friends and I are lauging so hard
>the girls are so triggered they actually get up and leave during the performance
>mfw
It only gets better from here, continue?

>>735005753
>>735005795
>>735005818

Holy fuck, Minuteman. You are a legend.

>>735022360
Fucking rip the legend

>>735018525
MY GOD YOU'RE LAME YOU SERIOUSLY COULDNT ACTUALLY PHYSICALLY

TALK FUCKING

TALK

TO A GIRL YOU HAD TO WRITE IT ALL OUT LIKE AN AUTISTIC FUCK WIT, SHIT IM A 25 YEAR OLD VIRGIN HAVENT KISSED OR EVEN SEEN BOOBS AND I MY 4 INCH DICK IS STILL MORE MANLY THAN YOUR WHOLE BEING.

File: MinuteMan3.png (291KB, 1432x920px) Image search: [Google]

291KB, 1432x920px

>>735024619

File: MinuteMan4.png (197KB, 994x578px) Image search: [Google]

197KB, 994x578px

>>735024764

>>734999890

believe it or not I was in 2nd year of college when this happened

>be me
>somehow manage to enter college on a STEM field
>be biochem lab
>tables have 3 outlets: on for gas, one for air and one for vacuum
>think "man, how strong is the air pressure in these things?"
>pull the lever on air outlet
>air pressure sends flask in front of the aoutlet flying across the air
>hits desk and breaks
>lab instrutor hears
>pulls me out of the lab

this was not the first time this kind of incident happened

>"tell me what's wrong with you?"
>wut
>"do u have like ADHD or something?"
>excuse me?
>"are you challenged"
>uhh no
>cunt keeps asking these kind of questions
>tell him I'm alright
>go back in
>actually think I hade some sort of mental challenge now
>mfw a meaningless accident has convinced me I'm a tard

>>735024700
Albin my dick will fall off If i don't get the pus ok? I need the puss, and the puss needs me

>>735024717
Obviously

>>735024717
ye continue mate, i like a good story
reminds me of the time I had a nazi situation
this is the minuteman here
>be in 7th grade
>walking around the school campus with my friend during lunch
>we get the bright idea that it would be HILARIOUS to do the nazi salute while walking
>while we are both doing the nazi salute and walking, the social studies teacher looks right at us
>we were walking towards each other at that moment so we try to play it off
>collide the palms of our hands pretending like we were meaning to high five the entire time
>i walk off quickly as we both put our hands down after the high five
>my friend gets caught
>teacher talks him into the hall to speak to him privately
>he pretended to be ignorant
>she believed him and explained to him what it was a nazi hand sign they did during the holocaust
>we both got off free

>>735024893
In reality, I do not live in Georgia.

File: woke2.jpg (53KB, 795x955px) Image search: [Google]

53KB, 795x955px

>>735007104
Anon this is fucking gold

Plz don't die thread.

is the minute man still here?

File: 1441288797615.jpg (28KB, 300x400px) Image search: [Google]

28KB, 300x400px

>>735023732
Fuckin' A.

minuteman here, sharing emotional childhood trauma with all of you
>6th grade
>lunchtime, waving like an autist in full site at a girl im peepin' across the lunchroom
>after lunchtime it's recess, and I find her and talk to her
>we become best friends, live very close
>would hang out at the park together ALL the time
>grow so close together
>enter player 3
>she has a bestfriend that's a girl
>we will call my crush S and her bestfriend L
>L couldn't hang out with us nearly as much because she lived in other neighborhood
>one day we are all at the park
>L is begging me to tell them who my crush is in the school
>i dont want to tell them
>it's time to go, L gives me her cell phone, tells me to type the name of my crush, give it back, and they won't read it until they get home
>I do just that
>get on my bike and speed away like Flash
>I wrote S's name
>I get home on facebook
>message S if they saw the name yet
>she says they did
>I ask her if she feels the same way
>she doesn't give straight answer but it's heavily implied that she doesn't
>feelsbadman
>listen to mi-ya-hi on repeat, but english version
>write down the english lyrics on paper and going to give her the note

When you leave my colors fade to gray
Hey, little lover stay
Or all my colors fade away
Every word of love I used to say
Now I paint it every day

>go to school, too embarrassed to give her the note
>she sees me trying to give her a note
>I set it down on a desk in front of a bunch of kids
>"They're just lyrics to a song"
>all the kids swarm the note cause curiosity
>walk away but see her look at the note in my peripheral vision

some time passes....

File: 1426596828110.jpg (55KB, 369x364px) Image search: [Google]

55KB, 369x364px

>>735021160

>>735000588
man i did the same thing but in my senior year
>supposed to take the star reading test for english
>nigger i am a senior fuck that
>get my grads and im almost failing because of this
>oh... well shit
>find out the harry potter books count and are worth the most points
>took the tests from memory on all the books
> had one of highest star reading points in school by reading books from a few years ago
>i get a pizza party from the school

>>735026436
>summer between 6th and 7th grade
>L really starts to hate me for no reason
>S goes along cause that's her friend
>start 7th grade
>first day of school I see the two walking together
>I start walking up to greet them
>super excited
>as soon as L sees me, she stops with S, does a 180, and walks away
>feelsbadman
>all girls are going out of their way to avoid me...
>oh well
>find new friends

time passes until 8th grade I got a GF. We dated for about a year

>9th grade now
>S messages me
>we spend all night talking and just enjoying each other
>we always clicked really well
>everything was so simple and easy with her
>but im dating my girlfriend who we will call M now
>S has a secret to tell me
>"Anon... I really like you."
>"What is it... Are you moving???"
>I thought she was moving far away
>She says "Yes, how did you know? I'm moving to (neighborhood L lives in)."
>"ooohh... ok. so what did you need to tell me?"
>completely oblivious to the fact that she was admitting her feelings to me
>finally it hits me
>she tells me that she was too afraid to admit it back in 6th grade because L liked me and she didn't want to lose L as a friend
>tells me L started a "petition" with all the girls in the school to never talk to me
>I'm a dumbfuck who thinks my relationship with M is going to last FOREVER so I don't break up with M for S
>I should've
>Wish I could go back in time and change that
>tfw I broke up with M a few months alter anyway
>tfw S doesn't want me anymore
>S is now dating some mormon beaner she met in highschool
>she just finished her freshman year of college and they're still together
>tfw that could've been me
>tfw I still think about her
>tfw everytime I text her or message her now, she never responds

>>735005818
>minuteman
> They call me the minute man"

Is this some kind of a reference?

>>735026171
yes sir

>>735027185
No, just a nickname for cumming in a minute almost all the time, and I thought it would be a good meme.

>>735027161
Goddamnit minuteman
Hit me in the feels because similar shit happened to me. Except a useless fuck that treats her like shit, I would've been okay with mormon

>>735024717
>in art class
>friends are all in other classes
>im by myself getting some paint from the cupboard
>hear art teacher saying something along the lines of "yeah, hes right over there"
>somehow feel that shes talking about me
>turn around
>art teacher is standing with vice principal
>staring in my general direction
>play it off and turn back to what im doing
>a few second later vice principal walks up to me
"Hey anon, I need you to come to the office with me"
>see as since im barely involved in what happened im probably safe
>follow him to office
>he makes small talk in the hallway, mentioning how he went to school with my dad
>seems chill
>at this point im not 100% sure that this meeting is even related to the swastica
>sit down in office
"Anon, where you at the talent show earlier today?"
>figure its best to tell the truth here, because im still not sure this is about what happened
"Yes, I was"
"And you where seated next to (swastica friend), correct?"
"Yes, I was"
>he goes on about how everything i say will be anonymous, and that i should tell him everything i know
>tell him i didnt see the swastica because i was focused on the presentation
>cant deny everything
>try to leave as many things open so that once swastica friend gets here things will still match up
>at one point autism kicks in and i start to tell him that my friend has an obsession with swasticas
>change my mind part way through
"He has uh, swastica... related items"
>vice principal thinks he has a swastica necklace or some shit
>forced to admit that i meant my friend sketches them, "but only sometimes"
>hes writting down notes for everything i say
"He doesnt actually have any physical swasticas or anything like that"
"But, anon, he had a flag during the show"
>mfw the sjw told the vice principal he somehow brought a legit nazi flag into the talent show
"Oh? Thats... really bad"
>my reaction here is of genuine confusion, since i assumed they knew he used a phone

Continue?

>>735027551
I fuckin hate mormons. I was married to one for a year and she cheated on me twice and stole a bunch of shit when she left.

Had to pretend to be one too, even got baptised.

It's a cult that I want no part of.

File: 1468646226354.jpg (128KB, 679x960px) Image search: [Google]

128KB, 679x960px

>>735005818
>minuteman

>>735027898
you don't gotta ask, seems like shit's getting good. Please continue.

>>735027898
if you get the agreement of one continue then assume that means you can continue forever.

In fact, this is a greentext thread, so don't ask permission to begin with. Shitstick up there had the shittiest greentext of all time but we still read it.

>>735005795
Read this before. Was it actually you or is this copypasta now?

>>735028414
It's me.

Judging by the activity on the soundcloud and youtube video, this has only been reposted twice, maybe 3 times. All other times are from the Minute Man himself.

>>735027991
Can't let a religion be a gauge for the quality of a person. Fuck people are a giant fucking disappointment some days. Think it'll ever get better?

Uhhhh got the story of a girl who masturbated at school and nearly got caught a bunch of times, if anyone wants it

>>735009680
>Being this retarded.
Anon didn't have the cell, faggot. Learn to read.

>>735014851
>it was a good one too
How do you know? Do you read gay shit like that?

>Be me in freshman year of uni
>Mega nerd/autist and only access to female contact is through study group with retards who want my notes
>Cute girl in group that I want to bone asks for help on research and shit
>after studying I try to be smooth and invite her to fancy sushi place cuz I'm a rich trust fund kid. Wanna show her I can give her a good life if she becomes my hoe
>Gonna order and want to be super smooth so tell waitress I don't need the menu and list off fancy sushi that I want
>waitress says we don't have any of those
>List other sushi I know. Also don't have
>Waitress feels bad and offers to read me the menu cuz she thinks I'm illiterate

>>735027898
>get excused from office
>they tell me not to notify my friend that he is being investigated
>tempted to text him as soon as i get back to class
>dont because i dont know if they will check his phone
>spend the rest of art class waiting for a notification that hes being dragged off to the office
>nothing

That was the last class of the day, so as soon as its over i hurry down the hall to meet up with my friends
>one friend is usualy with swastica friend after school
>he is alone
>as soon as i see him, we both we both memtion that we need to talk
>get out of the school
>turns out this friend got called in to the office too
>the things that i said affected the questions he was asked
>when i mentioned that he sketched swasticas they assumed he was responsable for all the swastica grafiti around the school
>tfw all the jewish parents in town are pissed at swastica friend
>ask where swastica friend is
>find out hes been in the vice principal's office for half an hour
>wait outside the school with other friend for another twenty minutes
>no sign of swastica friend

One or two more parts after this one

File: validation.jpg (113KB, 1693x1440px) Image search: [Google]

113KB, 1693x1440px

another minuteman classic
>drinking again
>drunk but not crazy drunk
>on discord talking to my internet friends
>order a pizza because I can't drive
>order it at 1:50, store closes at 2:00, website assures me the pizza will still come
>wait for my pizza
>an hour passes
>no pizza came
>pissed off, i dream up some weird scenario where the highschoolers working stole my pizza and are eating it in the parking lot of Dominos
>get in my car
>no traffic
>driving down a 5 lane road
>literally only one car on the road aside from me
>i decide to stay in the same lane as him
>while driving im on my phone talking to Discord mates
>look down to check discord, literally just 100 feet from Dominos
>look up, I didn't press my breaks in time
>rear end the only other car at 3 A.M. on a 5 lane road
>i start freaking out, I slam my pedal to the metal to get out of there
>start thinking a route to take home
>car shuts off
>won't start back up
>i push my car with some help to the gas station we were right next to
>it's raining
>I have literally been rebirthed by mother nature herself
>he has to go to work so he gives me his number and tells me to text him the insurance info
>he drives off
>he probably didn't have insurance
>text him my papers anyway
>a half minute later, police pull up
>somebody called the cops
>cop drives up, rolls down window
>asks if everything's ok
>i put on my most sober face, all the while my discord peeps are listening
>"Yeah, everything's fine. We exchanged info and it's been dealt with."
>he fucking wishes me a goodnight and drives off
>i must've rolled a 20 on my luck roll
>it's standard that car accidents get a mandatory breathalyzer check
>tfw no DUI
>walk the few miles home
>call Domino's in the morning and get some free pizzas because they never delivered to me despite taking my money out of my bank
>tfw front of car is smashed to hell but it was only a $100 repair

>>735002637
>implying it doesn't

>>735029058
the MEME was a good one

>>735014187
>DNA test
Fake and gay

>>735028620
Idk, I have a special spot of hatred for mormons now, mostly because the religion is so retarded yet they choose to believe it

>>735016603
kek

>>735023448
Best greentext ever...

>>735029452
You smashed the front of your car hard enough for it to shut off and not turn back on, but it was only a $100 repair? What the fuck.

>>735029603
Some people cling to anything for one reason or another. Just for Mormons though? I mean you have Islam and some of the more "Hardcore" wiccans that believe in spells and shit. I'm not a fan of any religions but the ones that tell you to indiscriminately annihilate people kind of piss me off.

File: Doge.jpg (31KB, 500x336px) Image search: [Google]

31KB, 500x336px

Dead Memes Thread, Lets Get It /b/

File: Capture.png (220KB, 324x323px) Image search: [Google]

220KB, 324x323px

>Be me
>Last week
>Bored as fuck in bed
>Get idea
>Pick nose
>Role booger into little hard ball
>Stick it up my pee hole
>Feelsbadman.jpg
>Try to get it out
>My efforts only make it sink further into my urethra
>Give up and go to bed
>fast forward to today
>Vigorously masturbating
>Blow my load
>Notice little brown ball in my jizz
>It's my booger
>mfw

>>735029571
I doubt the police would actually DNA test it, I'm pretty sure they were just saying that to scare my friend. It's a tactic that was used against me personally in high school. The tactic where adults lie about "powers" they have or "information" they have just to get you to admit to something. Like that time a girl falsely accused me of molesting her.
Minute man here wish another story
>be me sophomore year of high school
>find random chick at the school
>half month until school is out
>start flirting with the chick
>she flirts back
>everything going well
>she's wearing a button up shirt but EVERY button is buttoned up, including the highest one
>i reach up and unbutton the top one and tell her it looks better
>we held hands for a bit
>bell rings so she walks off
>next day she goes to the same spot and drops her backpack on the ground and walks off, leaving backpack vulnerable
>it's common for other students to fuck with unattended backpacks as a joke
>I grab her backpack so it doesn't get stolen
>all of a sudden the principal is on top of me
>has me come to his office
>questions me about why i grabbed the backpack
>say i was protecting it
>"So why do you feel inclined to protect other students belongings? Is this what you do? 'Protect' students' stuff?"
>"I recognized her and the kids near the backpack like to steal backpacks so i grabbed it to protect it."
>they ask me about the incident yesterday
>deny everything as usual
>"We have video footage..."
>oh fuck
>now I'm telling them everything
>"We were just flirting with each other, nothing happened"
>They ask me if I grabbed her breast
>uh... what?
>"No."
>"Well everything else you did is unacceptable so you're suspended for a month"
>school gets out in half a month...
>couldn't even say goodbye to friends cause I left that highschool after that year
>progress through the summer, get letter in the mail that her family's pressing charges on me for sexual assault and assault

File: 1443123035052.jpg (86KB, 720x540px) Image search: [Google]

86KB, 720x540px

>>734999890
>hurr I green text stories on 4chan of things that never happened to me and refer to others in my bullshit stories as vidyafags and normies or autists while making out like I ever got a girl and am not a retarded virginfaggotneckbeard

File: 1443122453346.jpg (5KB, 192x192px) Image search: [Google]

5KB, 192x192px

>be me
>browsing /b/ tuesday night
>see greentext thread
>dis gonna be good
>virgin neckbeards telling impossible stories of sexual achievement
>MFW

File: 318271da980706f7a18a811c3456a77d.png (29KB, 633x758px) Image search: [Google]

29KB, 633x758px

why is middle school full of crinnge and shit?

>be me
>13 y/o retard
>good friend of mine comes un and asks if I want to be her bf
>been friends fo over a year so say yeah sure why not, didn't think of it as a big deal
>all of a sudden, I develop strong feelings for her
>fantasize abut us being together forever and shiet
this feelings shit began about a day after we became bf and gf. To this day I can't explain it
>all of a sudden I think she's the most beautiful girl on the planet and all that cheesy crap
>everything gets super awkward cause I've never had a gf and don't know what to do
>also, 13 y/o retard
>stop talking
>awkwardly hold hands
>don't even look at each other
>feelsweirdman.png
>one day, we agree to go to the movies with some of our friends
>only me, her, a girl friend of ours and her asshat cousin show up
>"why is this cunt even here?" i ask myself
>day was gray, cold and rainy
>everything is awkward as usual
>asshole cousin and gf talk a lot, walk together, etc.
>the cinema is almost full, no row has enough seats for us to sit together
>asshole cousin, other girl and gf sit in the front row
>no space for me so i go seat alone two rows back
>falling asleep, movie sucks
>snooze a little and wake up to gf intensely kissing cunt cousin
>wtf man
>for some reason, stay in the movies till the movie is over
>they keep kissing
>and kissing
>and kissing
>credits roll and so do I
>walk to the bus stop
>take the bus back home by myself
>gray, rainy day makes it feel worse
>mfw I had pictured this day as a sunny and happy day, when I was gonna kiss a girl for the first time
>mfw it was the exact opposite

Later I found out the other girl had a crush on me, so she invited her cousin so he would make out with my gf, her so called "friend", so she had a chance to pray on my depressed ass

Next monday at school, not a word was spoken about it. Didn't talk to her again for about a month

cont

File: hqdefault.jpg (26KB, 480x360px) Image search: [Google]

26KB, 480x360px

>be in 4th grade
>shared classroom with a tard because it was too small of a school for a tard specific room
>he has a complete obsession with everything and all things mario
>he makes paper mario hats, paper overalls, andjumps around all the time, yell "WAHOO"
>on halloween i decided to get a mario costume because i forgot about the tard and i liked playing on the DS
>i bring my hat to school
>as soon as the tard sees this darkness accumulated in his pupils
>hell hath no fury like a tard obbsessed with mario
>he screeches and is escorted out the class
>i put my hat in my back pack
> at recess i notice the tard is wearing a new mario hat
>he stoll my hat out of my backpack without me knowing
> i confront him but am cool about it and let him wear it a while longer because im a cool guy
> next time i brought my hat to school to share it again but he just stoll it again but doesnt even bust it out at recess
>i just take it out of his backpack and into mine
>when he goes to look for for he but cant find it he had the angry face of a nazi when he realizes his mother is a jew
>"WAAAAAAAA"
>angry tard mario screeching ensues
>this was worse than before
>he starts flailing his arms around like an arm flailing inflatable tube man
>i swear bowser was cowering to this kid
>mfw mama fucking mia i never made a tard so pissed like that in my life

>>735030121
yeah, the engine was untouched completely. turns out a fuse went out lol and I just had that repaired. the front of my car is still fucked up tho, but it's just cosmetics
>>735030215
Not just for mormons. I hate muslims and niggers, too.

>>735030337
>start preparing for court case
>i still havent seen the video footage
>now that this is going to court it's considered evidence so I get a copy of the footage
>it so fucking pixelated you can't see a goddamn thing, you can't tell who is who, you can't even recognize anyone
>because of the ability to look over evidence on both sides, I was able to read her statement
>her statement says her friend saw a handprint on her breast and her friend made her report the incident
>finally court time comes
>I share my side of the story
>she gets called up to the stand
>she is asked basic questions by our attorney
>she can't even answer them
>"what kind of shirt were you wearing that your friend saw your breasts?"
>she cant remember if it was a blouse or a button up, but she's guessing button up and that her friend saw her breasts through the holes
>she starts crying as my attorney keeps asking her questions
>they let her take a small break
>she exits the court room with her ATTORNEY AND MOTHER for a good 10 minutes
>you're not supposed to talk during the break but can you trust a woman?
>oh btw, nearly every single worker in the court was a woman, the attorneys, judge, everybody except for maybe a janitor was a man
>and this is who is judging me, fml
>when break is over and she comes back in, all of a sudden she can answer every question clearly and doesn't cry anymore.
>they ask her to leave the room
>HER FRIEND ENTERS THE COURT ROOM NOW
>her friend's POV of the events DOES NOT MATCH AT ALL
>Literally NO ASPECT OF IT matched
>she gets sent out
>Principal comes in as a witness too
>he's got nothing valuable to add, acts like a cock sucker with a huge ego
>the judge chastises him
>he leaves
>court session ends

>>735014851
>>735015879
Damn, Keenan. I know it's not like it used to be, but it's still a bit brave to put your name and face on /b/ so freely.

>>735031103
>go home felling really good, parents feel good too because it was obvious this was a false accusation
>hope the judge sets aside her gender to judge this case accurately
>get a letter in the mail that stated the outcome of the trial
>I was NOT GUILTY of sexual assault
>however i was declared GUILTY of regular assault
>judge has to write down why
>"When anon said he slowly and carefully reached out to unbutton the top button, it showed that he knew what he was doing was wrong, hence why he did it slowly and carefully"
>i said in court I did it slowly and carefully to see if she would let me and she was even smiling at the time
>tfw had to take counselling for rape for a couple weeks
>the charge got expunged anyway when i turned 18
>still think I got charged with assault just so I couldn't counter sue (if one of the charges I'm declared guilty, then I can't countersue at all)
>my dad made me pay the $300 fee for a court appointed attorney :'(

>>735030781

>weeks pass and we eventually start talking again
>still have feels for her
>we became bf and gf again
>god I'm such an idiot
>shit gets awkward again
>history repeats itself
>brake up
>next day she's going out with the ugliest cunt in the class
>ytho.jpg
>for some reason, every now and again, when there were no techer around, the class would organize a kissing contest
>had to watch my ex eat the face of ugliest cunt in the class several times
>fucking feels bad, man
>be angry
>be sad
>wanna die
>for some reason, she tells me all about her "sexual activities" with ugly cunt
>bitch I don't care
>too beta to actually say that and just listen like a cuck
>we walking one day, me, her and a group of friends, no bf in sight
>she pulls me to the side
>kisses me
>mfw my first kiss ever happened out of nowhere
>feelsgoodman.gif
>boner alert
>she laughs and tells me she did it to win a bet
>damn, feels bad again
>later confesses it was actually cause she broke up with ugly mf and wanted to get back at him for some reason
>start going out again

last part of the story...

>>734999890
>elementary school
>tard kid obessed with pokemon
>we told him theres a pokemon in a tree
>tries to climb it
>has leg braces
>falls about 6 feet
>miraculously unharmed

good thing or we'd probably have gotten in deep shit

>>735029132
>go home
>my mom takes my little sister to her dance class
>im stuck at home with my 11 year old brother
>he playes minecraft for a while as i browse memes
>sudden phone call
>its the school
>pick it up expecting it to be telling my parents that i associate with nazis or something
>its not
>apparently swastica friend bolted as soon as he was let out of the office and they dont know where he went
>he left his phone, his backpack, everything, at the school
>they ask me if i have any idea where he might have gone
>i actually have no idea
>want to go out and look for him, because i live ten minutes away from the school
>know he has been depressed in the past
>He has super strict parents
>scared he might have run off to kill himself
>cant leave my brother home by himself
>as soon as im off the phone i text my friend who waited for swastica friend with me after school
>tell him everything i heard from the phone call
>tell him i cant leave my bro by himself
>friend goes out searching for swastica friend
>an hour later he tells me that he went to the school
>he gives me the number for the vice principal and for swastica friend's dad
>still cant go anywhere
>as soon as my mom gets home i leave

One more part, guys

>>735031103
minuteman your tale renews my faith in the american justice system

>>735030781
Shit man, that sucks. You will get grils in the future. Do not worry.

>>735031769
It shouldn't. Keep reading.

File: 1493863116408.png (251KB, 1440x1442px) Image search: [Google]

251KB, 1440x1442px

>>735024012

Minuteman here, I'm done typing out greentexts for a little while now. Will still monitor thread tho.

>>735031719

>things are not awkward this time
>we kiss all the time and talk like normal teenagers
>be some day after school
>a friend invites us to his house
>bunch of pals
>one by one they left the house, till only the guy who lived there, me and the gf remained
>dude goes upstairs to play his drums
>me and gf are horny
>we get into a closet and make out
>she rubs my dick
>i grab her tiddies and pussy
>fuckitfeelsgreatm8.png
>asks if i want a bj
>hell yeah
>she blows me
>I'm in heaven
>asks if I want to fuck
>"shit bitch idk"
>come onnnn, she begs
>"we have no protection"
>I know my friend, currently playing drums ustairs keeps condoms under his bed
>consider it but chicken out
>nvm, she keeps on sucking my dick
>didn't cum but god damn

a couple of months later I moved to another state, 500km away, and never saw her again. And that's the story of how the same bitch broke my heart, played with me and gave me my first bj. All within the span of 7 months