Useless Super Powers I'll start: >the ability to swim

>>729112116
>teleportaion but only up to 10ft away

>>729112259
But you have to shove a dildo up your ass

>>729112259
thats' still useful you fucking moron

>>729112116
>Fill pool with liquid that isnt water.
>Break world records

>>729112259
>Make money
>Teleport through locked doors
>Can get in/out of basically everything
>Avoid last second danger

>>729112259
>>729112364
yeah definitely useful man, we need totally obsolete super powers

The ability to predict the future

>>729112507
Are you retarded?

The power to change the color of something but only if nobody see it

Resistance to mosquito bites

To be able to communicate very well and pick up sexy chicks, but only on 4chan.

>>729112116
Being able to stop a speeding bullet, but only once, then you just get shot over and over.

Perfect 20-20 hindsight aka Captain Hindsight

>>729112116
>>729112259
>>729112609
You fags need to learn how these threads work. Anyone can take a good superpower and add "but only if..." to the end. The challenge is to come up with a super power that just sucks without adding catches to them.

ability to verbally control ants, but only one at a time

>>729112609
No I'd just change the colors of random shit in my house just for me to look at, idc if nobody else sees, but you could decorate however you want.

>>729112116
the ability to transform into a tree in any open space

ability to cook 3 min egg in just 2 mins and 30 seconds

>>729112765
No dude that's fucking useful. You could go rob a bank and then run behind the building and turn into a tree.

>ability to fly, but only indoors
>can breathe underwater but only in man made bodies of water
>infinite money, can only spend 20 dollars at a time
>can read thoughts, only every third word
>the strength of two men only in one half of your body
>invincible, sense of pain is tripled
>invisible, only while maintaining a constant hum

>>729112765
>Hide from literally anyone

>>729112852
see>>729112743

>>729112880
I did see it, I'm not interested.

Ability to turn your skin 2 shades darker

>>729112852
DUde THOSE ARE SO FUCKING USEFUL

>Mememaking
>Trolling
>Believing Alternative Facts
>Ambidextrous Masturbation
>Coprophagia

Able to cum in 3 seconds

the ability to not accidentally bite your tongue

Super strength 0.1 secs.

>>729112852
Also the one about strength of 2 men is still useful. You could win bets, break world records, and prob get lots of pussy with it.

>>729112911
Yup, that is a very useful one.

>>729112743
Examples?

>>729112116
The ability to be able to breathe carbon dioxide instead of oxygen. No one knows any differently.

Slow reaction man

Delayed physical response to anything coming at him.
For example, if he gets punched in the face he stays perfectly still for 3 seconds like nothing happened, and then his head jolts back in a delayed reaction.

>>729112116
>the ability to mentally control an army of dodos

Speaking Latin

>>729112904
Yeah. I forgot this place has been overrun with newfags who lack the creativity to make original content. What was I thinking anon?

>>729112116
>>729112116
Can self destruct with the force of a small nuclear warhead. really only useful to hold some shit hostage or Aloha Snackbar some place.

>>729112979
Fr, these people can't find useless powers, but it's not that difficult, use your brains.

You are invincible but your unable to inflict any damage.

>>729112985
The ability to communicate with grass.

The ability to talk to goldfish

>>729112985
The ability to turn squirell fur into chipmunk fur

The ability to cum hair.

this thread is a fucking disaster

The ability to blink at superhuman speeds.

The ability to see what your hair looks like in the back. Just an image of the back of your head in your mind.

The ability to open microscopic wormholes into non-existent universes that collapse immediately.

>>729113157
Good one

The ability to make a shitty thread.

the ability to foresee your death, you can't change it

>>729113166
Yeah OP wants unfunny shit and is being too demanding and autistic. I DON'T LIKE THAT ONE REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

lol fag he is.

Ability to walk on water but only if it's boiling and you're barefoot

>>729113289
You're trying too hard

>>729112116

>Can teleport 10 seconds back into time.
>Takes 10 seconds for it to cast.
>your 10 second mark starts right when the cast is done.

Ability to plug any usb cable into any device on the first try

I can hear things JUST outside the human range of hearing. But ONLY things just outside the human range of hearing.

Ability to breathe underwater but only if the body of water is less than 1ft deep

The ability to teleport, only at the speed it would take you to walk there normally.
You slowly load into place like dial up Internet

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The ability to grow leg hair on demand

>>729113421
Betteryet, the ability to breath underwater but only when you're wearing scuba gear

>>729113492
>Runs out of oxygen in tank
>Still wearing scuba gear

>>729113577
What's the point of staying in water that long, though?

>>729112824
I got a nice giggle from this here.

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>>729112929
>mfw I am an ambidextrous masturbator

>>729113492
You could wear it but not use it though

>>729113669
Scuba gear is expensive.

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>>729113158
praise the japanese sex lord

>>729112116
the ability to read books faster, only the ones you hate

The ability to cum nails.

> do 25% more radiation damage to Ghouls and Super Mutants

The ability to poop shampoo.

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>>729113492
>>729113577
Scuba Steve?

>>729113713
Yeah but if you wear it and not use it you can breathe indefinitely, therefore the power isn't useless

Ability to grow slightly more than average amounts of foreskin

>>729112852
"only the left side of my dick is as hard as two dicks"

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Your tears are super glue.

>>729113158
That one is useful for people that are bald lol

The ability to create 1 drop of pure water anywhere in sight once per day.

Perfect 20-20 vision but only with your eyes closed

>>729112116
ability to read people's minds, but only if you ask them permission first

>>729114010
do you have it on a bigger resolution ?

>>729113902
But eventually you'd did in other ways. If you start drowning after a ship wreck or a plane crash, you'd drown before you could put on the scuba gear. You can't use it unless there's something that can make you breathe underwater anyways, and by the time it runs out you'll be bored out of your mind.

The ability to make paper age up to 4x faster.

>>729114068
You could make good money as a magician.

I can predict the past

>>729114068
thats so useful , as if they will believe that u can

The ability to know how many hairs are on any person.

Fly in 0 gravity /thread

The ability to detect cancer cells in dead bodies.

>>729114090
Yeah instead of normal saline solution your eyes produce Super Glue

The ability to make others expel your farts and burps.

>>729114259
You would have control over your direction. Retards /Thread

>>729112743
ability to increase typing speed by 1 wpm for thirty seconds at a time

>>729114331
You can 'swim' in 0 gravity.

Erase 1 atom from existing every minute.

>>729112116
that's not even fucking clever.

you are the anti-joke, fuckwit.

>>729112743
ability to process semen like Red Bull

>>729112116
Having super sight, but only when your eyes are closed

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>>729112116
The ability to suck your own dick, but only if you're a eunuch

Ability to grow a unibrow within milliseconds

>>729114310
This one is amazing

>>729112852
Living in Texas, all our lakes are man made, so this'll be quite useful

The ability to lose any bet you don't know about which involves you.

>>729114526
you
are
a
dipshit

The ability to convince anybody that the second Independence Day movie was better than the first.

>>729114331
Oooh there is 0 gravity on earth..... Oooooh you can breath in space.... Faggot

Ability to see through candy bar packaging
>Only useful if your a pos TSA agent

the ability to fly underwater
>inb4 this is useful

>>729114440
No you can't.

>>729114575
Thanks..
How about the ability to make sounds outside the perception of all living things.

>>729112941
There we go, finally a good one
>Inb4 "that's 3 times longer than I last now"

>>729114440
You would still have more control and faster speed.

Every fart you produce sounds like a random part of Rush's "YYZ".

>>729114526

that's like... more powerful than you think, man.

>>729114674
As a POS TSA agent I take offense to this

The ability to speak to SJWs without them invoking the cis white male privilege card on you

>>729113989
my sides. holy shit

>>729114718
Yes you can, dipshit.

The ability to control your body temperature within 10 degrees.

>>729114310
Do want

>>729114722
But how are you even going to get to 0 g in the first place? Are you going to buy a rocket?

Complete control over whether or not someone continues to grow hair like an on-off switch.

>>729114817
You just fucking float around. There isn't enough resistance from the air to get anywhere. You flail your arms around and it has basically no effect on your direction. I rode the vomit comet. You can't swim.

Free wifi, but an upload and download speed of 1kb a minute

>>729114817
It would help to explain to him why he's wrong. Maybe he thinks zero gravity is the same as a vacuum?

>>729114885
Who knows but when the time comes it's useful.

>>729112116
being able to leap 100 feet in the air but immediately feel the effects of 100 times gravity before plummeting to the ground and making a blood riddled crater on the ground.

Once an hour you can read the mind of a random person who is at least fifty miles away from you named Scott.

>>729112691
immunity to the 11th bullet that strikes you in a row

>>729115001
Are you saying you can swim in water in microgravity? Because I guess that's technically kind of true. The surface would distort all over the place depending on the side.

>>729112566
He's implying the future would happen anyway, no matter what anyone did to stop it. Making that power useless.

>>729114935
You push yourself against the air. Unless you're in space and outside whatever living area you're in, then your fucked and dead.

The ability to stop time's movement only; everyone can still think while they're frozen not just you. (Your body also freezes with time)

The ability to speak and give orders to dinosaurs

Upon touching a person you know what their last shit looked like.

Ability to shit out delicious toast, but only at a funeral

The ability to instantly smell like mushrooms

Whenever you fancy, you can focus really hard on Smash Mouth's "All star" and it will play for you just like you were wearing headphones, but if you do it more than once a day you get one of those weird remix versions, possibly including the one that lasts for 10 hours.

Everyone you meet will like you, but nobody can love you

>>729115145
Are you sure you want somebody being able to control the NRA?

>>729115240
My fucking life.

The ability to enjoy a potato even without butter

>>729115124
Yeah and I'm saying that unless you're a fucking bird man or something there isn't enough air resistance to really get around. Like assuming you don't have wings you would just flail around. Technically you would get some momentum and shit going but you can't swim around ina controlled way.

You smell other people's descriptions of their memories.

>>729115240
>Go to a job interview
>get a job ez
>girls want you because you have money
>ez pussy

>>729115343
You can still move enough for any reasonable purpose. A rocket isn't a huge cube that you have to fly around at 30 mph to get somewhere. And the average person isn't going to get into space any time soon.

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>>729115307

Able to pee upwards of heights up to 15 feet

>>729114303
heh

>>729113215
>open microscopic wormhole
>shit into wormhole
>shit doesn't exist now
>collect nobel prize

>>729115464
You can't move around with any reasonable purpose unless you push off or pull on something. If you had a large area and you were floating in the middle of it you would be fucked. I know this is the internet and people lie all the time on here but I rode an airplane that simulates microgravity. While it's not the same as being in space it's pretty close. You can't swim through the air because it's not as dense as water.

>>729115119
> could alter future him/herself

The ability to make bad posts on a thread about useless superpowers

>>729112992
Until you try to kill yourself by locking yourself in your garage with a car running.

>>729115770
>convince people to commit suicide
>use this method
>they all die
>you live
>steal wallets

Cum acid that also burns you.

>>729112259
pretty useful if you can teleport other things. i was watching this show called Powers and this guy teleported some dudes body into pieces while not being hit by just rapidly teleporting.

if there is a cooldown on it well you can still fuck someone up

>>729115971
What if you're a masochist

>Ability to avoid the Blue Shell in Mario Kart.
>Make colored farts
>Know where there are rainbows anywhere in the world

The ability to tell what color something is by tasting it.

>can walk on water but only from below the surface

Silly putty fat....you kinda bounce kinda stretch and can copy the newspaper onto you belly assuming you can find one

the ability to shit diamonds/diamond ores but they can't be cut or altered in any way,

>>729113821
Do they fire out like a nail gun or dribble like someone tipped over a box of nails

be immune to 'if you dont reply to this post your mum dies in her sleep tonight' posts

>>729112116
Ability to produce shit in your nostrils rather than mucus.

The ability to make it rain but only during winter.

time travel one second into the future

>>729116658
No neither, remember that elephant game that would blow the things out of its trunk and you would catch them in the net? Like that

>>729112116
Invulnerable to nerf related injuries.

>>729113989
What

>>729112116
eat a bagel in one bite

The power to do shsnxbsismmd

Hello how are you

The power to think like a fish.

>>729117067

Snow. That's called snow or maybe sleet if it isn't cold enough, and that's a pretty bitchin' power.

>>729112116
become invincible only when you fapping

Ability to read minds. But you wont know whos mind you're reading - could be anyone from across the world.

The ability to change the texture of your poop from solid to liquid and vice versa before it comes out.

>>729112116
the ability to make any corded phone work without the cord.

The ability to know how your moms vagina smells at all times.

>>729112116
the power to make people join this https://discord.gg/ZdjwRzr

You no longer have to breathe but you still die if you don't.

>>729112669
This right here wins the thread.

>>729112765
I'll fix it for you.
The ability to turn into a tree in any open space
but you can never change back.

>>729115770
That's carbon monoxide you tool.

>>729113363
That could be very useful. You know something is going to happen, start the ability, use knowledge of the future to change outcome.

>>729114068
Crazy useful in situations where people have extreme mental duress or wish to explain something that's hard to put into words.

>>729118020
How is this useless?

Nuke's coming down, fap away, laugh at use of nukes to your impervious body.

Guy robbing bank with gun, whip your dick out and fap while you kick his ass due to having no way to hurt you back.

>>729114741
Can I have this one

>>729121247

It's all yours my friend.

The ability to change the type of bread on other people's sandwiches

>>729112752
Use their ability to create scent trails to store their food supplies at a place of your choosing. Survive famine or brutal imprisonment.

>>729113166
the ability to make disastrous threads

the ability to shit dildos

The ability to change colors of things but only you notice the difference

>>729115686
It's called predestination. Look it up.

>>729112116
I can piss in spirals.

>>729113003
Could be useful. As the hits would end up causing no instant reaction, all forces applies would be like that of an immovable object. In other words, punching him in the face would be like punching steel.

>>729112116
the ability to turn your inside out.

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>>729121822

>>729112852
>Warehousing
>Athletic swimming
>Weed
>Read between the lines
>Total strength of 3 men
>Deadpool
>You're invisible and didn't even have to stick a dildo up your ass

>>729113082
Apply for work in dangerous places. Can't take damage so it's not like explosions or caustics would be a threat.

>>729112116
Not to nitpick or anything, but this wouldn't be USELESS. If you could do swim motions outside the water and swing your arms at 60mph there would definitely be a way to make money off of that somehow. Even if you have to be the human coptor.

>>729113242
Create massive life insurance policy for family/friends. Become hero!

>The power to waste your time reading useless super powers instead of doing something productive.
>The power to be 10% bullet proof
>The power to do 20 push ups in a row in any given situation
>The power to increase mucus secretion at will
>The ability to make any room 1 degree hotter or colder, once a month.

>>729113608
Epic cave dives. Have you got any idea how many underwater caves there are? People get lost in them all the time and run out of air.

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The ability to fart no matter what you do or don't eat.

>>729122250
Entertaining at least

>>729113780
So thats not bad

>>729121633
Ebay

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The ability to see through clothing. It only works on yourself.

>>729114259
Technically, you'd have a hell of a time finding a place that isn't affected by gravity in some way. Main problem is that your body creates gravity for being made of matter. Even Pluto is under the effect of Earth's gravity right now.

>>729112911
#roadtoabsolutenigger

>>729112666
checked, wasted trips

>>729112116
>Can create a firearm out of nothing at will.
>Comes with no magazine and there's not a single caliber bullet on this planet that will be fired from it.

>>729114610
How do you lose a bet that you don't know about?

>>729114716
So in other words, become a penguin.

>>729112116
The ability to cum on command.. but very few super villains will stop even even if you give them a facial

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>>729122454

>i can change my non binary gender at will

>>729114818
That's crazy useful.

Ability to Nuke yourself

>>729114913
You'd put wax and hair regrowth businesses in the trash. Become crazy rich.

>>729114995
That's enough for telnet/SSH/ICMP. Super useful.

The ability to remove any existing trap threads on 4chan by making farts with the armpits

>>729113851
usefull and hygienic

>>729115206
Become the world's most amazing proctologist!

>>729115277
I hear you bro. I can't even think of a single person who doesn't like me, but not a single one will love me more than a friend would.

The ability to seperate M&M's from skittles

>>729112116
You can read the minds of pigeons

>>729115491
Challenge piss your way to no down payment
https://youtu.be/-rsEs4HWXeY

>>729116633
>diamond ores
Somebody needs to go back to Minecraft and stop pretending to be 18.

During full moons you know what the moon tastes like

>>729114716
That would be incredibly fucking useful

>>729120735
That's how it is already.

>>729112971
You accidentally bite your dick instead.

>>729112116
The ability to see through people clothes, but only if you are on a nudist beach

>>729122543
Use the guns to make empty threats.
Have infinite guns to throw at your enemies.

Ability to digest hard metals.
Finding potatoes wherever they may be.
Non-regenerative immortality.
Changing your scent to that of any existing condiment.
Ungrowing your own hair.
Insect mind-reading.
Opposite of gaydar, identify any hetero.

>>729123999
Opposite of gaydar still lets you detect fags by the lack of it being set off.

The ability mastubate at warp speed but only in DJTs bathroom

>>729123999
>finding potatoes
Every time you pick one up you will feel intense anal pain

>>729123553
I never considered that, seems like my power is useful. Shit.

>>729112116
i can do that already
>>729112259
highly useful
>>729112507
already here
>>729112666
not bad, useful

So I went through and debunked the uselessness of almost every power in this thread. If every person had seemingly useless powers, I would be a very rich man by now for identifying ways to become very powerful with them.

>>729113233
OP already beat you to that one

>>729115256
die. pussy.

the ability to eat unlimited amounts of fecal matter

For me it would be something like being able to keep up an erection for 12+ hours without any side effects.

>>729122030
the water would slow down the swing to where above the surface it still wouldn't be remarkable or anything. basically just the ability to swing arms like a sperglord dancing in the '80's.

>the ability to be part of the cancer that made /b/ a shithole

>>729123999

>Ability to digest hard metals.
Become a sideshow performer
>Finding potatoes wherever they may be.
Free potatoes, never starve
>Non-regenerative immortality.
It's still immortality
>Changing your scent to that of any existing condiment
Okay, that's pretty useless
>Ungrowing your own hair.
Never need to shave or get a haircut ever again
>Insect mind-reading.
Become the ultimate exterminator, make billions
>Opposite of gaydar, identify any hetero.
By process of elimination you can find gays too

The ability to detect cheese in a 50 mile radius.

>>729112116
See through walls but only when both inside and out are pitch black

>>729124496

Before viagra, the ability to get and maintain an erection for hours was HIGHLY sought after in the porn industry. That's why guys with big cocks and that skill, like Ron Jeremy, were gods in their field. I'm sure that could still land you a decent porn job.

>>729112116
>superpower thread
>makes up his own limitations
boring

The ability to control how one of your sperm cells swim for 10 seconds

>>729124812
yeah. for me it wouldn't work, I had soft tissue cancer and most of my left side penis and all the right side of it was removed. So for me the power would do absolutly nothing.

Become the most beautiful person in history
when no one is looking.

Travel 10 minutes into the future, but the time it would take you to travel would be 10 minutes.

being able to darken your skin by one shade

>>729112116
The ability to know if you will have a headache approximately one day and 3 years away from today

I am able to believe it's not butter

>>729112116
>>729112743
The ability to create niggers out off thin air. It's not useful since it only leads to more niggers in the world.

The super power of knowing when you're gonna die
The thing is, your superpower only activates 1 femtosecond before you die so you dont even have time to register it.

>>729112116
super genius powers only when asleep

>>729112824
chuckled

>>729125288
It's posts like this that make me realize that /b/ is full of cringy euro kids.

>>729125204
Infinite slave labour?

>>729112116
The ability to teleport at will, but only to hardware stores

>>729125358
Its posts like these that make me realize that you are a retard.

>>729114818
get sick leave at will

the ability to talk to god if i'm alone.

>>729112973
So i guess youve never thrown a punch in your life?

>>729125443
Oh man, my point feels so much weaker now!
Go play some Minecraft and joke about fat Americans or something.

The ability to do amazing shit but only when no one is looking / no one will look

i think i have this superpower

>>729125564
Go eat some burgers and tell your mom to get out of your room because you're playing roblox.

Invisibility when nobody's looking

The ability to make great memes of memes that are no longer popular

ability to see everything coming, aka "spider sense", but without the reflexes or reaction speed to back it up

>>729125857
Avoid security footage

ability to read all writing that already has a translated version in your native language

>>729125857

>Nobody is looking at you
>You turn invisible
>Nobody can look at you while you are invisible because you are invisible
>???
>PROFIT!

ability to turn into a nigger

>>729112259
what is spamming?

>>729126116

Could be exploited if you can turn back at will.

>>729125683
fuc u roblox is g0od

ability to know the original creator's intents and symbolisms after reading/watching/listening the art

>>729112116
You can conjure fire/shoot fireballs but you still feel and react to the heat

>>729112116
The ability to text type on your phone with a semi erect penis

the ability to smell what a persons anus smells like just by looking at that person

you know all martial arts and cqc, but still flinch like a bitch at any incoming aggression

>>729126365
Dogs will be happy with that superpower

>The power to know every cheat codes ever except for the game you're currently playing.
>you forget everything and notes disapear if you change game.

>The power to kill anybody at will except they're only pretending to be dead

you can identify what kind of illnesses and diseases a person will have in the next 5 years through smelling their farts

you can 100% speedrun any game not updated in the last ten years flawlessly

>>729126701
extended:
>The power to make everyone around you pretend they believe you have a superpower. And you're not aware of it.

>>729126798
That's actually neat. You got championships for that

>>729126703

Make ludicrous bank as a medical diagnostician.

>>729126798

Have you seen how much the streamer community can make when they aren't acting like autistic spergs?

>>729112752
Not like you would make tons of money on this one

>>729112116
The abilty of time travel 1 sec in the future by being alive

>>729112752
>>729127032

You only need to control the Queen and then the rest of the colony is at your command.

ability to go back in time but you age forwards depending how far back you go

>go back 1 hour, age 1 hour
>go back 10 years, age 10 years

>>729127218
Ants don't work like that.

>>729112743
The ability to read your own mind

you're the apex athlete of any dead sport. if they start to gain traction again, you lose all skill

The ability to identify any song instantly , but you're deaf

>>729127297
except they DO

>>729127513
you never specified they'd have to identify by listening. they can just feel the vibrations in the air and be able to tell apart songs

>>729127279
>go on a quizshow
>everytime you get an answer wrong, just go back a few seconds
>get right answer every time
>win millions
yeah, useless

>>729127337

The usefulness of this depends how meta you want to get. You can read your mind to remember stuff you've forgotten, figure out the root of your psychological issues, basically have a photographic memory.

>>729114807
So the ability to become a trans disabled african lesbian?

Invulnerability but only while vomiting

ability to reduce and increase IQ at will. only people in the same 10 points bracket as you will notice your existence

immunity to physiological alterations by artificial substances;
you do not get addicted to synthetic drugs
you do not get a high from synthetic drugs
you do not gain any nutrients from artificial food replacements

all organic or nothing

>>729115672
What if you happen to have 2 huge Chinese hand fans in your pocket? What if you have a battery powered blow drier? What if you have a fire extinguisher? What if you have a 2L coke and 5 mentos?

You faggots are so helpless. Can't you improvise?

god's hands as a surgeon, but you faint at the slightest sight/smell of blood or gore