>be me, years later >join muh army >non combat mos

Ha fuck those faggots

>be me in school
> nerd.type
>Last period
>everyone in class in bs-ing
>don't have anyone to talk to
>look through cabinets
>find a small bottle of blue paint
>unscrew cap
>bell rings
>END OF DAY
>walking from hallway to stairway
>sleight of hand
>toss open bottle down
>nobody saw me
>three tyrones got blue paint splashed on their nigger clothes and shit

I hate niggers.

>be me
>boot camp years
> last day of basic training
>we had been cleaning the bays for the next cycle.
>families of "soldiers" come and spend time with them before being sent to their advanced training
>nofamily.png
>stay behind in bay
>find a big ziplock bag ( autist size)
>take a huge shit in it.
>poke some holes in it
>hide the bag under one of the bunks


HAVE FUN SMELLING MY ROTTING FT JACKSON SHIT, NEXT-CYCLE BAY 2 FAGGOTS

>>726768567
>>bonuspoints: smear doorknob of drill sergeants bathroom
thathappened.jpg

>be me
>high school years
>get a job a subway
>secretly smoke weed
> find out manager is weed boss
>get weed from her
>we smoke in office during late hours
>all other coworkers smoke
>start getting complacent
>start trolling each other (nothing major) like putting mayo on phone receiver, unscrew salt shaker just enough so when you shake salt on sammich shit gets salted
>Igotoofar.mp3
>go to walk in cooler
>grab a cambro of lettuce
>PISS IN IT
>bring it to the line and serve said lettuce


I never found out if anyone got sick

>be me
>live in ghetto apartment complex
>dad gets maintenance position
>dad is not deadbeat, but an asshole
>tells me of someone moving out
>would like some help
>"could you halp me anon?"
>"sure"
>go help him for about half a day, nothing heavy
>secretly leave one window unlocked
>sneak in at night
>take massive shit on carpet
>next day dad is steaming, talking about some "fucking bum took a shit on the carpet I JUST CLEANED!"
>I excuse myself

He never found out

>be me
>have faggot nigger cousins
> "ooga booga nigga nigga"
>smoked weed with them because that was my endgame
>they want to go to a night club
>notme
>they go without me
> I sneak into their house
>get keys for their Mazda Rx-7(car junkies
>grand theft auto
>I crash into a building by going too fast and losing control.
>fled scene

They ended up getting busted for going to nightclub

>>726769775
It happened. Then afterward, Private Pyle shot himself and the DS in the latrine, and OP got shipped in country to find Colonel Kurtz.

>be me
>high school years
>move to Florida
>be a freshman
>no firiends
> am nerd
>start hanging out with loser anime kids
>cantstandthem.mov
>get invited to one of their house to play super smash melee
>become "friends" with more of them.
>keep getting invited to play smash,halo, etc
>steal shit from them.

THEY NEVER FOUND OUT

>be me
>grownup years
> get a job waitressing
>meet Christian zealous strait edge cool guy coworker.
>we become friends
>this guy is really kewl, except for the Bible thing
>invite him to my house
>offer him a beer
>says he shouldn't, says he used to be in a dark path of drugs n shiet
> "Cmon bro, just one won't hurt" says me
>"ok.zip
>one beer turned into another

Weeks later he totally relapsed and now is in jail for burglary.

>>726769862
I personally served this to a kid and his dad. I looked them in the eye as they said, "more lettuce, please".

One time at a party I was making shots by myself and I pissed in one of the glasses and gave it to a fat girl and she drank it. Only I knew this

>>726771928
>Being sober is tough
>I've relapsed for the same reason
>the last bender I went on got me sent to the psych ward
>went to rehab
>looking for job is hard with my license revoked
>govt is trying to extort $800 to reinstate my driving privilege

Been sober since November, fuck the government

>be me
>high school years
> have gym class
>hate gym class
> sneak into locker room while everyone is doing gym shit
>steal a whole bunch of shit from people
> gym coach had suspicions it was me
> I snuck some stolen goods in another backpack
> took some loot for myself
> before leaving gym class for the day
>back in locker room getting changed
>FUCKING DEPUTY APPEARS
>"alright, we are gonna do a search until we find the thief"
>shitting bricks because of the loot I had
>my decoy gets caught first
>pheeew.jpg
>DECOY:"it wasn't me!"
>deputy cuffs him
>coach tells him he is disappoint

MFW my decoy ended up being the varsity football team captain and got expelled

>>726772885
>govt is trying to extort $800 to reinstate my driving privilege

That would give me enough reason to relapse

One time I got real high and stayed at some guys house and his dog sucked my dick and I came on its face and the next day the owner was petting it and letting it lick his face and it had a big dried up goo on its face. He didn't know what it was. True story

>>726772885
>>govt is trying to extort $800 to reinstate my driving privilege

That's a silly way to say that they're punishing you for putting other drivers at risk

>be me
>high school years
> lunchtime
>go to bathroom
> see some friends
> have lighter on me
> go to last stall
>throw a bunch of toilet paper over stall
>light it up
> walks away from bathroom
>some people in there still
>as I walk out, administrator goes in
> I hear him say "oh shit!

I'm still amazed to this day how I didn't get caught.

One time I took a shit inside the toilet tank (not the bowl) in a restaurant.

I fed poison to my Neighbours dog and he died. The kind you buy at Home Depot for mice

>>726771928

lol what a dumbass

One time I slept over my friends house and took his sisters toothbrush and rubbed it on my dick. I've also rubbed peoples toothbrushes on my asshole

I got drunk and played drums at 2am because fuck you neighbors.

>>726768567
You are a worthless maggot and deserve a blanket party.

Stop doing stupid shit. Pay attention. Be the best you can be.

Not a faggot.

>>726773204
>>726773706
I got a DUI 4 years ago and it is still fucking me. I've been riding my motorcycle without a license, but I stopped once I found out the serious charges I'd be facing if I was pulled over.

>>726768567
Don't listen to this guy >>726775102
You be the best faggot you can be OP

>be me
>basik training
>have fire guard duty
>everyone asleep
> I hate private Thurman
> I switched my rifle with his while he slept
> I took it apart.
>took away firing pin
>put it back together
>switch back
>next day, full battle rattle rifle range day
>I observe Thurman like a hawk
>it's his turn to shoo
> I reveal my trick to Pascacio
>now we both are observing Thurman like hawks
>he pulls trigger
>nothing.mpeg
>cocks rifle and tries again
>nothing
>Pascacio and I laughing like little bitches
> DRILL SERGEANT cones to Thurman
>WHAT THE FUCK IS YOUR PROBLEM PRIVATE!?
>ds tries to shoot rifle
>nothing
>gets private Thurman to have rifle inspected by rifle fixing guy
>gets an Article 14 for losing his firing pin

Only Pascacio and I know it was me.

One time I placed a bomb threat to my school with a phone I stole. Fun day didn't get caught

>>726775382
I call bullshit. You do not sleep with rifles. They are kept in armory. Lying faggot.

DISCLAIMER: All works submitted are artistic and not true. Please read with caution.

Years ago in mt view anchorage I had a gun and at night I would get drunk and run in the alleys and shoot recklessly several times. Never got caught

>>726775747
Not when you are in basic training you fucktard. They have that gay muzzle lock and they give you blanks when you are not in the range to put in your magazine. Fucking pussy Air Force COME AT ME BRO!

>>726775382
that's truly fucked up. a 14? i mean, how swift was his boot out?

>>726768567
nobody fucking cares about your phase 2 pt test failure, ds included. it's a fucking unicorn that manages to pass phase 1 and 2 tests, at least during the surge when i went in. 3 is all that matters. pass or recycle.

>>726775967
LOL - I am sorry. You must have been Marines (salute) I was thinking Army - cuz been there done that faggot.

One time I went to a friends house and they were having a fuck party. Too edgy for me. Next day I went by to smoke some weed and some bitch was there. My friend told me to grab her titties cause she was shirtless and I did. I was and am still a married man. Didn't get caught.

>>726775747
we had them with us from phase 2 to final. sat at the edge of our bunks - had count every hour. definitely not kept in armory, definitely a big fucking deal -base closure- when one goes missing.

>>726776133
not that guy, but army. still had our rifles. you must have gone in during peace time fag. when was your basic?

>>726776358
2010

>>726769411
DUBS CONFIRMS THE MAD MAN DID IT

>>726775991
He got stuck in basic for a while.

>>726776358
wow. alright, i'm seriously surprised. i was early 08 and we definitely had our rifles. leonard wood f 1-29 i think. was in iraq by 2010 though, half oif half ond. army changed a lot in that tiny interval

>>726775991
Yeah it was the final to test of the cycle. Fuck second platoon

>>726776358
July-August 1973. Viet Nam era (did not go to VN) I was in the first company of all volunteers at Fort Ord, What say you now?

>USMC Basic
>Hollywood Marine because fuck SC
>Join with my best friend
>Best friend is an albino
>Drill Instructors are relentless with albino
>Make him carry around sunscreen because he always gets sun burnt
>Gas chamber day
>Drill instructor screams "ALBINO... PUT SUNSCREEN ON," while we are inside chamber
>Albino pull out sunscreen and puts it on his arms
>Drill instructor rips off albino's gasmask and throws it across the chamber and makes him put sunscreen all over face
>Pretty much rubbing gas all over his face, mixed with sunscreen, making it stick to his face even more
>Exit gas chamber
>Albino is redder than a fucking strawberry, snot everywhere
>Laughed my ass off, DI smoked my ass

fucking hilarious. I have more if ya'll want

>>726776803
meant too respond to >>726776599
drinking too much

>>726769862
Urine is sterile, dummy.

>>726776898
YES!

>>726776721
I ain't fucking around son

>>726771928
OI BITCH! TITS EW GET THA FUCK OUTIA HERE OR A SWEAR ON MY MUM ILL FUCKIN REKT U

>>726776990
Yeah but drinking somebody else's piss is still fucking gross dude

>>726773029
holy fucking shit

>>726776823
fort ord is a beautiful place. monterey is fucking delicious.

my point is - what's the point in bringing up a basic story when you're talking to modern vets? i've killed my share of folk in theghanistan and theraqistan, and you fuckers still give me shit for stepping into a vfw expecting a cheap drink. there's no equality of respect. how would you know whether or not troops kept their rifles during bct nowaday?

>>726777299
My point was, nobody would have gotten sick unless the lettuce was already contaminated, you fucking uneducated mong.

>>726777377
The time frame was not specified.

And I salute you for your recent service.
We cannot hate among ourselves.

>be me
>grownup years
>working on an oil rig in ooguruk Alaska
> am there as an extra hand for a while
> place is ok
> get on gaitroniks
> make fart noises here and there
> ruffneck trolling
> get serious
> record a sound byte of metal pipes falling and crashing
> get on gaitronics
> soundbyte.mp3
>Whole island goes apeshit
> safety meeting after safety meeting, nobody fesses up, nobody knows what happened.

>>726773029
lol if true you probably ruined that faggot's life.

>>726776823
Fun fact, I actually work for a Vietnam vet. He's a hardcore liberal who participated in the libber shit back in college. Hates Trump. Likes letting his fiance ride his face cuz his pecker don't work too well anymore on account of being paralyzed when he broke his neck chasing pussy. Constantly complains that the VA doesn't give him enough.

Just thought I'd mention.

>>726777035
>USMC basic
>Hollywood because fuck SC
>Somehow, a guy from West Virginia is in my platoon
>No shit, his last name is Coward
>Recruit Coward
>Mother fucker gets smoked every morning
>Drill Instructor finds out he's from WV
>"COWARD... Do you like John Denver?"
>Coward has no fucking idea who John Denver is
>Drill Instructor smokes his ass
>Next day, Drill Instructor brings a radio out into bay
>Puts in CD
>"Take me home country roads" by John Denver
>DI: "Do you know this song, Coward?"
>Coward: "Yes, sir."
>DI: "Every time I say 'HIT IT' you will sing Take Me Home by John Denver"
>Drill Instructors make Coward sing Take Me Home at least 5 times a day, every day, for 3 months.
>Example: Laying in my rack sleeping, 2am.
>DI kicks DI Shack door open.
>Everyone wakes up
>From the DI Shack: "COWARD..... Hit it."
>Coward sings us all to sleep.

Fucking Coward, man.

>>726777652
What if anon had aids?

>>726777921
This is the funniest shit I've read in weeks

File: 1401152943560.jpg (22KB, 418x293px) Image search: [Google]

22KB, 418x293px

>>726777967
Anon, I...

Fuck it. If you're too stupid to Google it, nothing I can tell you will ever help. I give up.

>>726777886
Yeah I am a liberal too. Pecker doesnt work (beat it like it owes me money) cuz married 20 years and < 60yo (look forward to it faggots). No VA cuz no service related injury.

>>726777812
fucking god tier

>>726777921
My favorite is when people would bang on the di's hatch and stood there until they got it right

>>726772885
alcohol taxes are huge. stop drinking that shit.

>>726777812
Cont.
>last day of hitch
>cleaning rig assist office
> sweeping, mopping, etc
>rig assist office very dusty
>TimeToGetSerious
>sweeping goes into maximum speed overdrive
>dust starts to cover room
> company man looks at me, coughs
>FIRE ALARM GOES OFF
>ENTIRE ISLAND SHUTS DOWN
>100,000 dollars just to restart operation
>HALLIBURTON ENDS UP COUGHING UP THE BILL

And that's my one hitch at Oooguruk island as an extra hand

>>726778373
omfg yea... that shit was so terrifying at the time, but looking back, the Drill Instructors were fucking hilarious.

>>726778517
I'm impressed. I just hope you realize that 100 large is chump change to Halliburton, and they paid it gladly as opposed to having an oil rig explode and maybe kill you and all your coworkers.

One time I was working for a trucking company was driving a commercial box truck and I dazed off and ran a red light at an intersection and almost hit a school bus, a public bus, and some cars. Plenty of witnesses. The truck had the company logo in it. I never got caught.

>>726778760
Post horizon days... man everything from military to rigwork got reall pussied up in some ways

>>726778221
What if anon had a uti?

>>726777967
What is OP had cancer and was a faggot?

>>726779194
If somebody got a UTI from Subway lettuce, it's because the lettuce already was contaminated with E. Coli.

God damn it, anon. I learned this shit in 8th grade. Did you not listen in school? Did nobody ever teach you anything?

>USMC, because I wanted to fucking hate my life
>First deployment
>Helmand
>Gate duty with some army beta fags
>A select few locals are allowed on base to serve food, train police, clean shitters etc.
>Locals are allowed to carry one weapon (that was the fucking law over there at the time)
>Every local chooses AK47 because there are a shit load of AK47's in this world
>Checking in locals into base
>About 1 in 10 has two AK47's, so we confiscate a ton of AK's
>3 hours into shift, a local starts sprinting at us
>Can't shoot because he never presents a weapon
>Yell at him to stop multiple times
>Doesnt stop
>Running at us like a fucking donkey
>Army fag shoots him in the dome
>TOTALLY against rules of engagement since local never presented a weapon
>Army fag: "I know i saw weapon."
>Us: "Whatever man, none of us saw one."
>Talk with my Marines, decide not to ruin this Army fag's life, and plant one of our confiscated AK's by the body
>Call in shift CO
>Army fag is shaking like a fucking noob
>Tell CO that local was sprinting at us with AK, so Army fag dropped him
>CO: "Good work, Army fag. Clean this shit up."
>Pick up AK we planted
>Pick up body
>ANOTHER AK UNDER THE BODY.

Army fag saved our life.

Still called him Army fag the whole deployment.

One time i erased the handheld program of a coworker in which had all his sales for the week. He was salary and his commission was from his sales and they got erased before the 1700hour t-comm so he lost a week of pay basically. Never got caught.

I've worked at several fast food joints and can say that I have dropped food on the ground and pretend it never happened just gave it to the customer anyway. Never got caught

>>726768567
> DS says to all: CONFESS
> I don't
holy fucking shit my sides

>be me
>summer teenage days
>go to Florida for summer and stay with my gay uncle
>find a bottle of booze
>drink half of it
>ohshit.org
>need to fill it with something
>piss in it

I never got called out on it but I think he knew what I did

>>726771394
Oh they found out, but they wanted to be nice to your autistic ass.

>be me
>summer in Florida
>my sister from Puerto Rico comes to visit
>doesn't speak a lick of English
>ends up getting into a fight one night and goes to jail.
>now cannot leave Florida until her court date
>bipolar schizophrenic
>goes apeshit
>take her to Kissimmee to get some weed with me.
>buy a quarter of some Danky weed from a gay Vietnamese guy named China
> pick up my other two puertorican friends
>they look like niggers
>I'm puertorican too but I look white
> high as fuck
>drive back to clermont
> on way back, police drive on opposite lane and looks at us
> ducking cops will stop you for anything
>nigger looking Ricans in car
>I make an illegal left turn at a light
>fucking copcar lights up.
>fucking pulls us over at a 7-11
>FUCKING WEED IN THE CAR
>sisters autism starts acting up, she has the weed on her possession
>I tell her to stash it in the glove compartment
>redneck cops starts hassling us if we have anything illegal in the car
>nope.jpeg
>K9 unit
>FUCK
> dog goes directly to my door, then to my sisters door.
>EVEERYBODY OUT OF THE CAR
>my nigger looking Puerto Rican friends get hassled like regular niggers.
>cops take literally 15 minutes after anal probing my car to find the weed in the glove compartment just out there
> for some autistic reason I say " oh yeah, that's mine. I forgot I had it there.
> cops take our weed, lets us go.


MFW if I was the kind of Puerto Rican that looked black and the the white looking kind, we would have been fucked.

One time when I was young I told my dad to lay down close his eyes and open his mouth. He did and I spit into his mouth and he laid hands on me pretty hard. I don't really know why I did that in the first place, i thought it would be cool to do.

I have done some evil nasty things in my life

I used to go on tor and watch cp. Very attracted to that sort of thing

>>726775630
>stole
Fucking nigger kys

>>726779404
You can get E. coli from a urinary tract infection?

One time in San Juan I saw a guy get shot and killed. I was scared and didn't say anything. Also I was high as fuck.

>>726782590
>San Juan
Thinking about going into marines, san juan a good place to go sign up for?

>>726775747
Seconded. Did osut at ft benning. Were kept locked up. But jackson is probably low speed enough to do that shit.

>>726782831
The Meps over there is ok. Almost everybody is rican with a military background so you either get a stiff or you get a cool guy. Some recruiters will do anything to get you in, some are very anal. It depends how easily you can get all your records together and shit. Marines is a great choice. That or be a cook for the army cuz why the fuck not?

>>726782831
Avoid that place like the plague

One time I went to a chingching pho place and the service was terrible. So the next day I ordered $100 worth of food for pickup but didn't pick it up. Fuck Chinese people

>>726777817
Meh, he was a nigger so he probably would have ruined it one way or another

These are the people "fighting fer yer freedumbs." Smearing Vaseline on lockers. Hoo-ah, semper fi and all that. America is fucked.

>>726784027
Hey eurofucks, turn on the news, you're getting haji'd again

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15KB, 220x275px

>>726784292
>"eurofucks" reply, like clockwork

>joining the U.S. Military after the catastrophic clusterfuck that was the Vietnam War

U.S. Military. It's essentially a declaration that you've lost the game.

Think about it. The power of free will and you *still* settle for slavery. Wonderful, no?

From an early age, you're influenced by your environment. Your parents (or lack of), teachers (in some manner, shape or form) and other mentors can help steer your life in a direction, whichever direction that may actually be.

However, during all of this, if you're still alive and have most of your bodily functions, there are a whole world of opportunities available to you. Especially in this day and age of technological marvels and the wonders of the Internet to provide information (and, of course, misinformation.)

The military should not even be an option, at this point, because not only is there enough information to suggest that joining it is only for those who've allowed themselves to be brainwashed by a military-industrial complex keen on retaining what power they have left ... but there is also enough information available for people to make their own decisions on what they'd like to do, instead.

Still, people join. They wish to be broken down and remoulded in somebody else's image.

This is a sign of weakness. Of allowing one's self to be influenced and corrupted by those with power and ambition. Essentially, those who join the military are no-better than mindless sheep.

>tl;dr: Join the military? You're a faeces-flinging, irradiated, nuclear-powered rhesus monkey who enjoys others making decisions for you - and you probably stink.

>>726784392
>eurofuck

One time my wife went to Philippines but I didn't go because I don't want to go there. I snuck into her room and knocked her shit down. When she came back I told her an earthquake had knocked some stuff over and to check her room (I'm not allowed there) anyway long story short she has been going through some deep depression and has deteriorated. I don't know if the way I left her room added to that. To this day she thinks that the earthquake did that, not me. Feelsbadman

>>726784392
lol at this eurocuck

>>726784392
Edgy

>>726768567
Blue falcon move. Blue falcon = buddy fucker. Fuck you remf. Infantry vet.

>>726785402
Just weeding out the grasses, man. If they couldn't take a little smoke, what makes you think they would not have had their battles killed in action?

>>726778517
I forgot to mention that it was the dust that clogged the fire/smoke detector, which triggered the alarm.

One time I got on /b and put my ex's phone number and told you guys to text her that her brother got into a car accident on northern lights blvd. I later found out that you guys did deliver. Thank you anon.

>>726783258
I did osut at Fort Leonardwood. We always had our weapons with us. Even when we slept. When we did ftx, ceftx, and special weapons training we has the 240 and 249 with us as well. The only time I remember turning our weapons in the armory was the last week of ait. Shakedown everytime we left the range,ftx, or mout site.

>be me
>summer vacation in Puerto Rico
>go stay with my rich uncle and fan in the mountains
>having a really nice time with cousins and fam
>one day go see my uncles hot wife's hot sister in the city.
> fucking gorgeous 10/10 rockhard
> she needed to use uncles truck
> can I come?
>sure anon
> go with hottie to get some food
> come back to house and find some dirty laundry
> I see a pair of panties
> sniff them
> they are dirty but don't smell like shit
>rock hard
>steal them
>SNIFF THEM FROM TIME TO TIME


Eventually I found out that it wasn't hottie's panties, but they were my uncles faggot European underwear I had been sniffing and jerking off to.
MOTHERFUCKING EUROFUCKS

>>726777209
is it summer already?

>>726769022
God's work. Fuck their stupid expensive shoes.

>>726779558
more

>>726776990
No it fucking isn't you retard. Lrn2google

>>726768567
You son of a bitch.
Hilarious though

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106KB, 960x886px

>>726788469

>>726776823
Funny thing. My grandfather was being prepped to translate enemy intel during Nam (he spoke French) but they suddenly apparently realized he wasn't born American (raised in Morocco, born Turkey) and suddenly he couldn't get the job.

Also, he enlisted at 5'12", came out 6'0", and got asked if he grew an inch.