Funniest thing you've ever done OC edition >be me

slightly shameful self bump

>>724738227
Hopefully somebody's typing. This thread has potential

>>724738655
That's what I'm saying.

Gotta keep it bumped for a while just for the idea of godliness.

>>724738804
Please tell me more than one person is talking here and that this lonely faggot isn't having a conversation with himself..

>>724738908
One other person so far.

and you.

Unless you're that other dude.

>>724738960
No, I'm an entity entirely unto its own.

op is talking to himself

>>724737904
Probably somewhere on your head you do give a shit about it. Not talking about "subconsciously" or that psychoanalysis nonsense. Were you talking with your allegedly step mom on the speaker? Did anyone laugh?

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>4 years ago
>work in bar
>regular who has been barred wants beer
>dude is an ass, doesn't tip
>tell him I'm not serving him
>lazy pos bouncer won't get off his phone to kick him out
>continue ignoring asshat
>he gets angry and slams his fists on the bar
>"GET ME AH FOCKIN HEINAKIN YA FOCKIN BICH"
>bar goes quiet
>walk over and open cooler in front of assface
>pull out heineken, pop the top, and drink it in it's entirety
>toss it into the machine that loudly crushes glass (generally only used at the end of the shift because it's noisy as fuck)
>asslicker is speechless

>>724739731
She was on speaker, and the friend I was with at the time, Kyle, Lost his fucking mind.

>>724739833
>checked

also fire that fucking bouncer what an asshole

>>724740107
He did get fired. Same regular came in another occasion and the bouncer wouldn't kick him out. He ended up beating the shit out of some girl and stabbing a guy in the throat with a broken beer bottle who intervened. Then broke another bottle over a tourist's head. Dude was out of his mind on crack.

>>724740539

Holy fucking shit

>>724739833
I get that he was banned and that bouncer was being lazy but why did you feel doing something illegal that could get you fired would show him up?

>>724741028
Bar I worked at encouraged drinking. We were given a shot before we went on shift.

>>724741162
The bar you worked at encouraged themselves to get shut down. I sincerely hope you found new employment.

>>724741219
To my knowledge, they are closed now but for different reasons. The U.S. Virgin Islands isn't very strict about alcohol consumption. No open container laws, duty free, drinking age is 18. Just don't do anything stupid and you're fine.

>>724741219
Obvi not in America. Even if he is, hole in wall bars get away with all kinds of shit unless an official is there

>>724737904
Not as alpha as you might think. As you mature, you will become significantly more sentimental. It's not a weakness but more a comprehensive understanding about how difficult it is to make it through life without any scars. Not kicking your ass or nothing, just telling you, someday you may regret that. Not for their sake but for your own, so that you could be the better man.

>>724741466
That's not uncommon in America.

>>724741589

It's been 8 years since then. I know where you're coming from, but in my case? It really doesn't bother me. Even now. I've never met any of his family and none of them have ever tried to talk to me outside this one instance.

PRobably because of what I did.

but hey, the family I DO have are psychotic enough to be interesting I don't need nay extra of that shit.

>>724741466
>>724741442
UK and america have similar laws regarding bar-tending but the issue in point is that if an establishment has a liquor license they are essentially saying they're going to abide by 3 rules; No serving minors, No overserving (flexible), Staff isn't drinking while on the job.

This isn't like a "some bars are cool with this some bars aren't" all it takes is one or two complaints from a customer that a bartender is drinking behind the bar, then a quick investigation and boom you now have an exorbitant fine, can't server alcohol in that establishment anymore, and the bartender/staff is fired.

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>>724737904
>Be me
>Bad Highschool life
>go to college
>get weeb gf
>6 months
>fuck
>1 week
>i think im gay
>6 months
>i think im trans
>2 1/2 years
>fuck im neither
>want girl back
>write love songs poems etc.
>20 hours of invested work into one song
>upload to youtube
>herewego.jpg
>oh shit thats right im blocked

>fuck

Trying to keep the thread from going stale:
Not something I did, but what I witnessed
>apartment front door is directly across from neighbor's
>neighbor is always high out of his mind
>getting ready for work
>hear him loudly singing worship songs
>open door to leave for work
>his is wide open
>he is dancing naked
>literally dozens of hermit crabs are marching out of his apartment and down the stairs
>"Cornelius, what the fuck are you doing?"
>"OH NO, MY HERMIT CRABS!"
>apparently he eats them
>that dude was weird

>>724741850
You fucking aspie holy shit

>>724739990

Classic Kyle

>>724742174

I've only existed to see this kind of madness a few times, and it's always a wonder to behold.

>>724742242
Kyle turned into a fucking cocksucker.

He was okay then though

>>724741759
I'm aware. I worked in different bars, from fine dining to family style and they all were very lax about drinking on the shift. One even had a comp tab for bartenders that was $50 per shift. Every bar I was familiar with allowed staff to consume alcohol, as well. Island life, I guess.

>>724742174
kek

>>724742316
This guy worked as a groundskeeper on the resort I worked at. He was regularly high as a kite. The guests just thought he was simple and remarked about how friendly and capable he was.

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bump

>>724742909
was it weed or other?

>Work as a bartender
>Also happen to be the person that makes the take out orders
>Day was really busy so I had several things to do at once
>Landwhale had arrived to get her takeout.
>She ordered like 25 jumbo fried shrimp and fries
>Took me a little longer than expected to get her order together.
>Landwhale is really mad when I give her food.
>Landwhale tells me that she is not going to tip me since she had to wait so long for her food and that she had "Sugar Diabetes" and how being so long without eating could kill her.
>Apologize and ask her if there's something I could do for her to feel better.
>Landwhale asks for a free drink.
>Suggest strawberry lemonade (since I know that shit is loaded with sugar)
>Landwhale agrees
>Go to the bar and make her lemonade and add 5oz of sugar cane syrup and 5 packs of sugar.
>Give lemonade to the whale and apologize again.
>Went back to work with a smile on my face.

>>724744147
you have my attention

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>>724744147
>>>>>>>>>>>sugar diabetes

>>724743938
Yes, and crack to my knowledge. I'm not sure of what else he may have been taking.
We had a shared porch and he would be out on it a couple times a month naked and smoking his pipe. Made watering my plants a bit more interesting.

>>724741759
I worked at a swanky bar in a famous resort hotel, and we were encouraged by management to drink/get high on or before the job.
One guy I worked with used to even smoke with customers

>16
>Weird ass idea
>Randomly declare it Mudkip day
>As a joke I tell a friend, and design a picture.
>It said "Mudkip day dd/mm/yy BE THERE" with no time or location
>My fucking weird ass amazing friend took it way too far.
>He went to our favorite teachers room and printed off what seemed to be hundreds of these shitty fliers I made.
>At this point I realize I'm in way too deep, and get my girlfriend and another friend it on it.
>We litteratly taped these things to every door window and locker.
>The spam was amazing
>To this day I hardly believe the teacher let us get away with it, that there were no repercussions for my massive shitpost spam irl.

>be me 4 yr old
>wake up in the morning trying to figure out what to do to kill boredom...
> dada was paiting a gate last afthernoon
> autistic mode.jpeg
>go to the warehouse and get myself a bucket of green ink.
> paint the warehouse, the 2 cars, my room, and my living room with random draws
Everytime i did i qould clean it up in my hair...

Cont??

Going to post another story about my old neighbor:
>apartment complex has a drained pool on the patio
>on my porch watering my plants when I noticed a land crab stuck inside of it
>go down to get it out
>after retrieving it, while walking up the steps Cornelius sees me
>"OH WOW! WHAT A CRAB!"
>"Yeah, it was stuck in the pool, I'm just going to put it in the woods"
>go back up to apartment'
>see Cornelius in the woods outside my window
>he's got the crab
dinner is served

Land crabs are pretty gross. I lived near a dumpster and the majority of their diet is garbage.

>>724745169
Cont...

>Afther 2 hours, my hair was rock solid.
> autistic me realizes what i did
> OMG OMG IM FUCKED
> get some bleach to clean myself
> bleach on the eyes
>hotter than spicy muxicans barbecue
> dad gets back, sees me in front of the fate showering on bleach...
> end up going to the hospital to get eyes treated, got my ass beaten up, and had to go bold for a couple months till the hair grew back...
My autist 4 yr old is indeed autistic...

>>724741759
If it's a small enough bar with enough locals in it, no one will give a shit if the bartender is drinking. People buy shots for bar tenders all the time. Is it legal? Fuck no it's not. Doesn't stop them though

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>be 17 n fat at burger king close to school eating alone
>hot latina girl eats with her friends in front of me n i cant stop looking at her with my peripherals
>shelookingatmeomgawkwardasfuck.png
>decide to leave unnoticed n dont see another fat dude walking in the narrow glass door

>for a few seconds we both get stock belly to belly n dick to dick on the narrow door
>feckingkillme.html
>had to sword dick fight my way out of that pickle as the girl kept watching us in awe
>voted for Trump years later

During a class on revolutionary war history, the teacher asked me who Samuel Adams was. I responded "I don't know, every night my dad goes out and meets him and every night he comes home PISSED."

>>724745515
Where do you live where there is a such an abundance of hermit crabs?

>>724741850
Is the video still up?

>>724746273
>voted for Trump years later
Fuck I wish this was a joke. Would not be surprised at all

>>724746540
St. Thomas

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>Back in high school
>People I know talking in a group
>Go over and say "Sup?"
>Girl puts hand up in my face and bellow "I'M LIKE TALKING HERE!"
>Rude Cunt Protocol Initiates
>Look down at her arm
>covered in scars, must be why long sleeves are her go to
>Yell for the whole Cafeteria to hear: "HOLY FUCKIN' SHIT, YOU GOT MORE STRIPES THAN TONY THE FUCKING TIGER!"
>Years later, at kids house and find out shes his older sister
>tell him story
>tells me she wouldn't shut up about it for years after during family therapy
>we all laugh, he high fives me
>

>>724746485
LOL nice

>>724746659
In the Caribbean?? How did you end up there?

>>724745169

Drawers you stupid cunt.

>>724746647
its for real

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>>724745515
>he's got the crab
Hahaha oh wow

>>724746770

I went on a plane.

>>724746770
I was living on Koh Tao in Thailand and they changed their visa restrictions making it so you had to renew them every 30 days.
Don't have to worry about visas in a U.S. territory since I'm a citizen.

>>724747113
Where to?

>Be around 16
>Brother (15) and I went to Wendy's
>Wendy's had this promo where they would give you a scratch ticket to get prizes. The least you could get was a sheet of stickers.
>Go home with like 5 sheets.
>Live in a tall building
>There's some apparments on the ground floor.
>The door to this apparmet was at the end of a short hallway that was locked with a gate.
>We now that the lady that lives there is crazy.
>Gate was freshly painted.
>Brother and I got bored while waiting for the elevator.
>Cover the gate with stickers
>Go home.
Next day
>See the gate paint all scraped with some remaining pieces of stickers.
...
>Brother and I started going to Wendy's more often just to get stickers.

Cont?

>>724746700
Based

>>724746700
Ha Ha NEAT! Hang ten Dude!

>>724742355
all kyles are cocksuckers

>>724747623
Don't need to ask, just post!

>>724747623
continue

>At a college party
>drinking lotsa beer, open keg, haven't ate all day
>getting ready to walk out the door when some asshat stops me
>yellin at me about flirting with his gf
>many girls there, idk if i did i dont care
>"Fuck off fag im leaving"
>"Answer me faggot did you talk to her!!"
>try to push past him
>he swings and hits me in the stomach
>>all that beer has nowhere to go but up
>vomit all over him
>everyone at party stops. dead silence
>hes in shock, looks down at vomit
>sucker punch him and run off

one of the best sophomore party ive been to

>>724748331
based

>>724737904
went speeding past a semi and ironically got hit by debri from said semi truck. twice.

>>724748331
hahhaha fucking ded

> be in highschool (13 or 14y/o)
> every break it's boring as fuck
> get sandwiches with pasty stuff on them
> invent a game to throw them on the floor to see if people step on them and stick to their shoes.
> continue for weeks, pieces get bigger and bigger.
> one day I throw half a sandwich on the floor.
> 1st year comes running through the hall
> slips on the piece of bread
> turns around mid-air and smashes his backpack through a window
> window breaks, glass everywhere
> gets suspended for a week
> had to go to the toilet, because I nearly pissed my pants laughing

>>724741751
maybe you are an insensitive asshole just like your dad
apples don't fall far from the tree

>working at beach bar during the day
>only one server working and myself behind the bar
>outdoor seating only in use for dinner
>guests are sitting out at one of the tables on the beach
>woman walks in and tells server that they need service
>"unfortunately outdoor seating isn't available until 4"
>"NO. You see this?"
>points to all inclusive wrist band
>"THIS means you will serve us wherever we want!"
>can tell server is getting upset
>tell the woman that i'll serve them
>take their food out to the tables
>within minutes 5 or 6 HUGE iguanas are all around them
>one comes out of the tree onto the table
>cuntlady throws her arms in the air and her fake tits pop out of her strapless bikini
>husband (I assume) starts swatting at the iguanas with her purse
>contents of purse fall out and get blown around in the wind
that's why we don't serve out on the beach during the day.

>11
>Friend talks shit outside
>Another friend and myself annoyed
>Buy fart bomb
>Pop and slide really hard under apartment door
>Go over an hour later
>House reeks, no idea why
>Thought they would have found fart bomb
>Look for it secretly with no luck
>Notice oven is across from door
>That's its home now
>For the next 2 years every time his mom used the oven the whole apartment and hall smelled like shit

>>724748839
based

>>724747623
Cont.
>School friends went out to the mall watch some movies and ate at Wendy's got some stickers
>Mom thinks we're collecting them so she brings a bunch of stickers that some coworkers got at lunch.
>Stickers just kept coming to us,
>Cover that fucking gate again.
>Shit got ou of hand when we started leaving her ransom notes.
"I went to Wendy's again, I really like their hamburgers and frosties... But what I like the most is that I get a lot of stickers but I don't really need them at home"
>Found out that the crazy lady called the police
>We used gloves and everything to make the notes
>Neighbors are concerned about this

Cont

>>724748652
Kek

>walking down street and wheelchair girl is coming toward me
>go out of my way to give her room
>she rams her chair into me
>"watch where you're fucking walking!"
>realise what I said as it happened

>>724741759
Damn you must be fun at party. What a fuckin jerkoff you are. I hope you enjoy dying alone.

>>724749137
Moar

>>724746620
kik me @ bellsprouts

>>724737904
Bump hurry up anons I need moar GREENTEXTS!

>>724737904
called someone a fag on the internet

>Be 15
>School has ended and Im starting high school after the summer
>Me and my friend go outside at about 1 am
>Get extremely drunk beforehand
>Bring all my books up to a small road that goes through the forest
>Empty all my school books and papers on the ground
>4 years are about to burn
>Pour gasoline on the pile
>Light it
>Friend starts freaking out since there is forest all around
>"Oh right"
>We have no water so I start pissing on the pile
>A couple walks by staring at this kid pissing on a burning pile of books
>Ask the girl if she likes what she sees
>Guy says: "Excuse me?"
>Realise what I just said
>Kick books in their general direction and bolt
>Trip
>Fall down in a ditch with my dick still hanging out
>Start to piss again
>Friend is dying
>Im soaked in piss
>Couple walks off saying something about me getting help
>Everything smells of burned books and piss
>"All this has made me hungry, lets go to McDonalds"
>Friend didnt stop laughing for the rest of the night

>>724749137
>Go to Wendy's with my brother
>Get the usual
>Get our beloved scratch tickets.
>Scratch mine
A
Fucking
Hamburger
>Brother gets a frosty
No stickers
>We're visibly upset
>Wendy's workers didn't get it.
>Go home.
>Brother and I sit down.
>Still have som stickers but they weren't enough.
>Decided to make a note.
"I went to Wendy's again, had my usual bacon classic with no mayo and a small coke. This time I didn't get any stickers so I decided to fuck your lock up"
>Filled the lock with match sticks and superglued pennies on both sides of the lock.
This time we couldn't wait for her reaction
>Ringed her doorbell and took the elevator.
>Could hear her screaming and going nuts.
>They had to call the fire department to cut the gate with some hydraulic scissors to get her out.
Cont

>>724737904
Mom got divorced from my father when I was 5. He was an abusive drunk, only have a few memories of him, and the ones I do have are always of him being an asshole and mean.
Saw him a grand total of 2 times as a kid after the divorce, once when I was 8 and again when I was 11.
Last time I saw him was when I was in my late 20s, and as his only living relative, I was the only one who could tell doctors what to do after he had been found at his home by one of his friends a day or two after no one heard from him. He suffered a stroke and was not even semi lucid anymore - just constant sleep and docs said there was no treatment that would wake him.
Pulled the plug on his life support after taking just long enough to listen to the doctor as to his condition and prognosis - but I ignored his suggestion of having a feed tube inserted surgically and put him in a constant care home.
I wasn't going to spend one fucking dime on him.
All my hate for him died that night after the life support was shut off, and he breathed his last.

>>724737904
that's the right way to handle that

>>724742211
Goddamn it. I read that as "ass pie." It's time for bed I suppose.

ok here's another (#3)
>High school age again, about 11 at night
>Find stuffed bunny from a past easter
>Strap it to my head with a shoe lace
>Grandma tries to stop me from going out side
>COVERT BUNNY IS ON A MISSION DAMN IT
>Outside, live in ghetto like low income housing project
>See Spanish neighbors door open, family enjoying tv
>Jump infront of screen door and yell "ME LLAMO GATO PANTALONES"
>He laughs hard, his gf and daughter shit bricks, then laugh
>Run off into the night
>See a man on a bike riding toward my location
>duck behind dumpster
>when close, I leap out
>"YOU WILL NOT PASS COVERT BUNNY"
>Jerks wheel and rams head first into the dumpster
>Tear ass out of sight
>Swearing fading behind me
>

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>>724750665
Damn anon

>>724750666

>chillin with high school friends at our lunch table outside
>eating the garbage ass american school lunch
>chili and chips and spinach wtf
>take the spinach and wail it at the fucking wall
>spinach everywhere and my heathens of friends went crazy and started throwing more food at the wall
>i wrote in chili FUCK ME
>then we used the chili as glue to stick shit like paper,yugiocards,cigarette butts it was great
>months went by and it the faculty didnt do shit so it grew tons of mold
> it said FUCK ME in black by the time i left

>>724745160
>irl autism
Oh no.

>>724750487
Cont
>Next day while leaving home to go to school see the gate by the dumpster.
>Stop to contemplate at this beautiful masterpiece.
>Gate all scraped, bended and torn apart.
>Little brother starts walking to parents car.
>Say wait!
>Open my book bag, show him the rest of the stickers.
>Cover that fucking gate on stickers one last time.

>>724751500
Fucking kek

>>724751500
WHAT THE FUCK IS TAKING SO LONG?

>>724737904
bump

>>724752760
I got distracted with the other stories

>grocery shopping
>in baking isle which also has chocolates and candy
>landwhale eyeing the selection
>blocking aisle so I can't pass
>"excuse me"
>landwhale unresponsive
>"excuse me, i'm trying to get through."
>....
>....
>ended up having to poke her with a toblerone to get her to move

>>724751500
This was the end of the sticker harassment. It took her a while to move back into her apartment. Also she didn't get a new gate for a long time.

There were several neighbors meetings to talk about this situation. My brother and I never told anyone about this. My mother kinda suspected and asked us a couple of times but we were good liars (I believe)

We also did lots of different things to this lady but I can't recall if it was before or after the sticker attack. But anyway I'll share some

friend folded over the corner of stickers and posted them on the bus by the doors where people lean before they get out
tons of people with graffiti stickers on their back, arm, bag

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>be me, 9 years old
>parents take us to an old persons home
>old lady gives me one of those fun sized snickers bars
>acts really weird about it, gives me a napkin for a mother fucking fun sized snicker bar cuz she says they get messy
>my parents are aware but act like its nbd
>im fully aware of 'DONT TAKE CANDY FROM STRANGERS' so i dont eat it in front of her
>i later give it to my little brother cuz im pretty sure its poisoned
>everyone in family talks about what a great brother I am giving candy to my little brother instead of keeping it for myself
>mother fucker didn't even die
>i could have had a fun sized snickers bar

probably the greatest regret of my life desu

>>724737904
Anyone take sexual enhancement pills and jerk off? http://extendmypenis.com