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We post our favourite story's from the Bible

The stories and information posted here are artistic works of fiction and falsehood.
Only a fool would take anything posted here as fact.

Thread replies: 101
Thread images: 16

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We post our favourite story's from the Bible
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>>724709269
The exodus narrative, obviously. Lots of plagues, sorcerers, massive miracles, god striking people dead, and the weird "bridegroom of blood" passage.
>>
>>724709269
Psalm 91
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Joseph, who was betrayed by his brothers, left for dead, used his divine powers to interpret surreal dreams, and trolled his bros when they came to egypt for grain. Him fucking with his brothers was the best part.
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The rape and burning bush one
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>>724709469
I said story
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The beheading of John
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The one where the old hag turns to salt
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Samson. Slayed armies with the jaw of an ass, told riddles, sent a horde of foxes with torches tied to their tails through the fields of his enemies, was betrayed by a woman and blinded, then killed more people in his suicidal destruction of their temple than he ever killed in life.
>>
>>724709269
Apocalypse, when they start to open the seals
>>
>>724709269
Actually haven't read the bible, but i mean to soon. Anyone wanna summarize a good story out of it? I'd be interested in hearing. I wanted to read the story about the angels who go to Sodom and Gomorrah and almost get raped by the townspeople.
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Which one has the orgy in that city where gawd gets jelly and pretends to white knight civilization?
>>
>>724709701
No shit. Exodus is a story. About the Jews exodus from Egypt. Following along?
>>
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>>724709664
The one with phillip schofield in?
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>>724709269
>favourite
>story's
a eurocunt and a retard
>>
>>724709269
>>724709701
Balaam's Ass.
Also, Abraham, the ancestor of the Jews, haggling with God to see if he can save Sodom and Gomorrah. Jews used to use their powers for good, it seems.
>>
>>724709269
Psalms 4:20
And Jesus said to Peter; come forth and ye shall receive eternal glory.

Peter came fifth and won a toaster.
>>
>>724709828
Destruction of Sodom and Gomorrah was pretty good. Fire from the sky, transformation into pillars of salt, hordes of angry perverts trying to rape angels, and ends in drunken incest
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Jephthah's virgin daughter being sacrificed cause god gave Israel a win in a battle. She got a month to mourn cause she was gonna die a virgin.
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The one that says faggots are unholy
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>>724709269
The one where Jesus gets into a little fight and his mom gets scared so she sends him to live with his Auntie and Uncle in Bel-Air
>>
>>724709963
>Anyone wanna summarize a good story out of it?
read wikipedia
>>
>>724709269
MOSES
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>>724710252
Wait, is that the one where he whistles for that cab, but then when it gets near the license plate says fresh and it has the dice in the mirror?
>>
>>724710125
>Balaam's Ass.
this gave me mad chills when I heard about it the first time
>>
>>724709269
the one where god tell to bake over cow shit after he begs god not to have to bake over human shit
>>
>>724710375
Yeah! Then Jesus is like "If anything I could say that this cab was rare" but then he forgets it and yells "YO HOLMES, TO BEL-AIR!!"
>>
>>724709269
Leviticus. because widespread hypocrisy of cherry picking Christians in modern times is both hilarious and sad. God hates fags, but it's apparently ok to violate all these other rules. because reasons.
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>>724709269
Stories* God damn
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the passion of christ. betrayal, sweating blood, torture, execution, the dead rise from their graves, etc
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>>724710478
What time does he pull up to the house, anon?
>>
>>724710579
Like 4.
>>
>>724710500
Not really a story, is it? Just a list of rules and regulations, many pertaining to the priesthood.
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>>724709269
the story where jesus is black OP
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>>724710653
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>>724710559
>>
>>724710579
around 7 or 8
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>>724710664
technically true, but it is a fun read in modern context.
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>>724710849
That's Fresh Prince retard, Jesus gets there like 4 hours earlier.
>>
>>724710375
there is much debate among scholars regarding what exactly is hanging on the mirror, but yes, generally it is agreed that he takes a cab
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>>724710900
it's easily the most dry and boring book in the entire bible.
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>>724709269
In Exodus where god comes up on the road to kill Moses and Moses' wife circumcises either him or his son, I don't remember, and throws the foreskin in front of God and says "I am a bloody bridegroom to you" or something and God kinda nods like Jeremiah Johnson and leaves and doesn't kill him
wtf the bible is retarded
>>
>>724709664
you goddamn right
>>
>>724710950
it's dice. it's foreshadowing for when the centurions cast lots for his clothes toward the end.
>>
The one where the concubine gets gang raped to death and then chopped into 12 pieces and each piece of her gets thrown into the 12 different tribes.

judges 19:25
>>
>>724709895
Sadistically badass
>>
>>724710980
this nigga knows what's up. most people don't know this section exists, that god wanted to kill moses because "reasons". one of the more mysterious parts of the bible, no one really knows what to make of it.
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>>724710653
Where does this happen again?
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The one where if you are gay you get killed.
fucking faggots.
>>
>>724709701
you said "story's"
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>>724711212
Well, it starts in Bethlehem, Jerusalem and ends in Bel-Air, Jerusalem.
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>>724710180
Yes yes it did... Pornhub is now investing in time traveling capabilities to record this taboo scene.
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>>724711322
Your right
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The book of Esther. Ending is great, revenge justice at its finest (her enemy ends up hanging from the gallows he built for her foster father)
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>>724710968
also true, yet it seems to be the one of the most relevant to people in how they think everyone should live their lives.
>>
>>724710950
some say there was nothing hanging on the mirror but they are retards don't believe them
>>
>>724709269
when God tells Ezekiel to eat shit. true story

12 Eat the food as you would a loaf of barley bread; bake it in the sight of the people, using human excrement for fuel.” 13 The Lord said, “In this way the people of Israel will eat defiled food among the nations where I will drive them.”

14 Then I said, “Not so, Sovereign Lord!
>>
>>724710560
i always found the jesus story kinda lackluster compared to the great creativity in the old testament
>>
>>724709269
Genesis 19:32
>>
Job.

It depicts an earlier version of the devil, where he is just a member of yahweh's heavenly council, basically a vestigial pantheon

Then at the end Yahweh speaks to Job from a fucking tornado and tells him he doesn't have the right to question why shit happens because he's a puny fucking ant and he wasn't even there to see God kick Leviathan's ass (sea serpent)
>>
>>724711653
no he tells him to use human shit instead of animal shit to fuel his fire in the desert. not to eat it. you retard
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>>724711064
this is a common argument, but some scholars posit that there was no cab at all, and jesus rather walked for 400 days without food or water to reach the holy city of bel air
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>>724711730
Old testament was dope as fuck. Old Testament is like Dexter Season 1 and New Testament is like Dexter 8.
>>
>>724710968
weell youre the most dry and boring book on furchin
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>>724711821
well actually he says use human shit as fuel, E says no. god says ok then use cow shit. but what ever.
>>
>>724711653
the bible is about men noticing their inherit degenerateness, much like 4chan anons.
>>
>>724711945
And his Uncle Phil STILL whupped his black ass!
>>
17 So kill all the boys and all the women who have had intercourse with a man. 18 Only the young girls who are virgins may live; you may keep them for yourselves.
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>>724711653
they aren't eating shit, just using it to feed the fires to bake bread

>>724711730
yeah but unlike most of the OT the crucifixion was probably a historical event, which is cool. I think the shining moment is when he looks on his executions with a father's love, really shows the fullest extent of his message of forgiveness. the earthquake/risen dead that accompanies his death is cool, as is judas's death. but yeah, not quite as epic as samson.
>>
>>724711945
but we all know that's just bullshit
>>
heavy metal jesus

49 “I have come to set the world on fire, and I wish it were already burning!
>>
>>724711994
Hallelujah
>>
God, manifest himself in the flesh by way of a virgin. Lived a sinless life, fulfilled countless old testament prophecies and the law, healed innumerable people of ailments, performed innumerable miracles. Was shamelessly murdered in a torturous fashion, being nailed to a crucifix. Died and came back to life, in so doing PURCHASED eternal life for all those who BELIEVE and receive the free gift of his atoning sacrifice.

>>> #greateststoryevertold
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All that Daniel/Shadrach (lions den/fiery furnace) shit during the Babylonian Captivity was pretty good.
>>
>>724709269
Genesis 32:22-31
Jacob Wrestles With God

22 That night Jacob got up and took his two wives, his two female servants and his eleven sons and crossed the ford of the Jabbok. 23 After he had sent them across the stream, he sent over all his possessions. 24 So Jacob was left alone, and a man wrestled with him till daybreak. 25 When the man saw that he could not overpower him, he touched the socket of Jacob’s hip so that his hip was wrenched as he wrestled with the man. 26 Then the man said, “Let me go, for it is daybreak.”

But Jacob replied, “I will not let you go unless you bless me.”

27 The man asked him, “What is your name?”

“Jacob,” he answered.

28 Then the man said, “Your name will no longer be Jacob, but Israel,[a] because you have struggled with God and with humans and have overcome.”

29 Jacob said, “Please tell me your name.”

But he replied, “Why do you ask my name?” Then he blessed him there.

30 So Jacob called the place Peniel,[b] saying, “It is because I saw God face to face, and yet my life was spared.”

31 The sun rose above him as he passed Peniel,[c] and he was limping because of his hip.

TLDR, Jacob drank some wine that was stored in acacia barrels and had a dmt trip, he rolls around on the ground seeing god face, and basically being reborn
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>>724712292
Proof?
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>>724709269
idk if its how the story actually goes because i saw it on fucking south park of all places,
but the book of Job, where no matter how shitty god treats Job and no matter how much pain he is in, Job without fail gets on his knees and worships the same god that is causing all of his problems.

really makes me think about stoicism and all that SHIT
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>>724709963
Here you go
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>>724712427
sometimes the lord gives, sometimes the lord takes, blessed be the name of the lord

naked I came from my mother's womb, naked I go to the grave
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>>724711821
human shit smoke will get on the bread you retard
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>>724712420
There's so much proof... it's ridiculous. If you truly wanted to know the truth, you'd be able to find it... but you love darkness rather than light because your deeds are evil.
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>>724712665
shit particles also exist on your toothbrush. you eat shit every day, you shit-eating shit-eater
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I like the one where Jesus comes into the temple and sees all the Jews trading and flips their shit cuz they're jews
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>>724711994
and god said upon anonymous No.724711994 "yes"
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>>724712131
>unlike most of the OT the crucifixion was probably a historical event
how dare you
>>
>>724712154
because no city called bel air has ever existed in the 500 years that the world has been around amen
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>>724712779
And then they were like Jesus fucked with the jew gold he has to go.
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>>724712757
i just cant stop. NO! I WONT STOP!
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>>724712757
i have take n this into account already and keep my toothbrush in a separate room inside of a toothbrush case so fuuuckkkk you
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>>724713697
just get 2 toothbrushes and label them

one for teeth, one for butt
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>>724712757
Myth was BUSTED
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>>724714424
Their methods and experimental design are really sloppy, plus they don't repeat experiments.
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>>724714639
It's up to you to repeat it.
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>>724714424
https://youtu.be/DDc7-oya1Qg?t=5m10s
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>>724714832
This is what occurs to me:

>1.) Smell is our olfactory nerves absorbing particles in the air

>2.) Thus, there are shit particles in the air when it smells like shit

>3.) Particles stick to moist things

Thus, I am brushing my teeth with my own shit.
>>
>>724715436
Nice thought experiment, Descartes. Now put down the smartphone and go give Princess Christine the Dick before you freeze to death in the Scandinavian winter.
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>>724715679
Translated to English, this post reads:

>[AUTISTIC SCREECHING]
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Jesus has some good stuff tho too. Mostly about what a badass he is, pic related he's asleep and the 12 have to wake him up to keep the boat from sinking, after which he goes right the fuck back to sleep.
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>>724712115
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>>724715841
It's a sublime melange of historical events and 4chan memes
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>>724716166
See
>>724715841
Thread posts: 101
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