STORY TIME, /B/! Share stories about the most unexpected shit

I have a lot of vomit stories from the various places I have worked...

> Be me, 16
> Working at a rec center climbing wall
> I help little kids climb
> One little kid is being a bit slow to get up the wall, that's normal
> Try to encourage him
> He slows down even more and starts making odd sounds
> I think he's scared, so I ask him if he wants to come down
> He looks at me, his eyes wide
> "I have to go to the bathroom"
> Tell him to let go of the wall
> He won't let go
> Tell him he can't go to the bathroom until he lets go
> He starts shaking
> See a brown patch in his pants
> Fuckingsackofshit.mp4
> I climb up and try to force him down
> I remove the kids hands from the wall and hold him away from the wall so the autobelay can lower him
> Just as he starts to lower a stream of vomit erupts form the kid all over me
> Gets all over me
> Gets all over my wall
> Gets all over the chord of my autobelay
> MFW my boss wants me to clean it up before going home
I quit that day

> Be me a little over a year ago
> Be christfag in youth group going on a retreat to chicago
> Its okay, the kids are a bit stuffy
> We have a "service project" to "help" the community
> Our project is at a veterans center
> They have no power, they have no hot water, they have a mouse problem
> Some students are on supply duty, some are on cleaning duty
> MFW I got stuck with the 3rd floor bathroom
> It reeks
> It is fucking awful up there
> 35 degrees inside the building (20 outside) and its just cold
> I clean the bath tub and toilet, then get to the sink.
> I run some water to get the sink wet and hear it dripping under the sink
> Fuck.jpg
> I open up the cubbord and look under
> A wave of stench hits me
> MFW there is a bucket full of god knows what under the sink
> It is full to the brim and stuck in there under the U pipe of the sink
> Veterans center director suggests siphoning it out with a mop
> thefuckkindofopperationisthis?
> About an inch of the way down, lardass the annihilator comes tromping in to tell me we are leaving
> He bumps into me and I fall headfirst into the bucket that smells worse than death
> My first instinct was to back out as hard as I could
> Bucket flies out and spills everywhere
> Bathroom is covered in shit from the bucket
> Pastor says we have to leave, it's not safe there
> No shit sherlock
> Took a group picture first, I'm not in the picture
> Had to walk back to the hotel covered in shit
> The bucket fills my nightmares
> The bucket is my fear
> Fuck the bucket

Is anyone lurking?

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Engineering fag here
>got this 1960s turret lathe, it's got a sump for coolant and a pump to hose it over the work. It weighs 3tons
>coolant is oil/water emulsion with awful shit in the bottom of the sump, hasn't been cleaned in its life, cold tea and piss and thinner, tramp oil, dwarf and dead birds have fallen in over the years
>coolant depletes and the pump stops priming properly
>rather than pouring in a gallon of water to sort it, the welder has an idea, suck on the discharge pipe to get it flowing, he hears the motor load up and lets go before it splashes him
>lathe operator gets it, later he needs to get it flowing
>by now the welder is grinding something so lathe operator can't hear the motor load up
>lathe doesn't bother to tap him on the head
>money shot
>choking and spluttering, going purple
>never in all my days did I think I would need to warn my crew not to suck off the machine tools
>I will be having a word on Monday as soon as I've calmed down

>>723487156
damn... how hard is it to replace the coolant? (I've never worked with big equipment like that, only stuff that is less than 1 ton)

This thread has potential

>>723487426
Not hard at all, just throw a gallon of water or ten into the tray, the oil stays there but the water evaporates and the volume goes down.
I might make them clean the sump when it goes quiet. It needs doing.

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> Be me - door to door salesman days (It was my first job)
> Been working for about a month, starting to get a feel for the job
> Growing a thicker skin too, I hate going to peoples doors just as much at they hate me
> One day it's just shitty out
> 10 degrees and foggy
> My boss shouldn't have had us work that day
> Some people answering the door are nicer because of the weather
> Some A LOT meaner
> One guy starts screaming at me for waking up his baby, apologize and walk away
> Interrupted another guy's favorite TV show, apologize and walk away
> Try to talk to a guy doing yard work (Not sure what he thought he was doing)
> Guy ignores me and I walk away
> It was the 4th guy who really got me though
> He peeks through the blinds from a room over and stares at me for a good 15 seconds then slowly walks to his door
> Opens the door with the chain attached and just says "What"
> Give him my speal
> He closes door and undoes the chain
> Offers to let me inside
> Its a bad idea to go into someone's house so I say I'd rather not
> He keeps trying to get me to come inside
> He grabs my arm and tries to pull me in
> He's really trying to get me to come inside
> He starts swearing saying that I better do what he says
> I manage to get away by kicking him in the stomach
> MFW I almost got kidnapped for being a door to door salesman
> Call my boss, tell him what happened, he blames it on me
I quit that day

>>723487663
probably for the best, wana get those dwarfs out of there

Bump for interest

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>be me
>16 year old at the time
>be a scared inexperienced little special snowflake anorexic real grill at the time
>work at funeral home
>at the funeral for this 24 year old heroin overdose
>family asks that once the casket is closed it can not be reopened for religious reasons
>someone puts their rosary necklace in with the body, intending to pull it out before cremation, everything in there with his is to be burned with the poor fag
>body is taken away before the dead dudes gf can get her fucking necklace, she's super pregnant
>body is already gone and cremated when she comes up to me crying
omg anon my rosary was in there you have to get it for me
>be me, relatable and sorry for her
I'm sorry ma'am but he is gone, and so is the necklace (something like that)
>she goes batshit, saying that no one told her everything in there was gonna be burned
>calls me a stupid whore for losing her rosary
>her whole family is there and immediately makes her leave
>family offers me a sandwich
life is good

>>723489728
>Family offers me a sandwich
fuck I lost it at that

not a really good story but fuck lurking

>be me
>17 years old
>day off school
>friend suggests we go chill at a tim hortons with 2 other friends (canadafag here)
>ok.jpg
>friend suggests we meet up at my house first
>he arrives
>we talk for a bit
>i get in my car and we drive up to the tim hortons
>i order some food and we sit down
>we talk, have some good laughs
>stomach decides it's the perfect time to act up
>ohshit.jpg
>get a really bad nausea
>rush to the bathroom
>puke my fucking guts out
>i clean up and go tell my friend that we gotta get out of here
>friend is retarded and wants to stay
>fuck
>5 mins later get some more nausea
>puke some more
>friend is visibly shaken
>close to panic attack
>all pale and shit
>we get up and leave
>i drive straight home and go to bed
>2 mins later, get call from friend
>tells me why he was so nervous
>he had a crush on me
>niggawhat.jpeg
mfw thats how i learned my best friend was gay and had a huge crush on me...
fuck my life

>18 years old working at provincial park
>trimming brush around an outhouse beside a campsite
>on the campsite there was a guy trying to back his RV out
>don't know how he got it in, the RV was the size of a double-decker bus
>nevertheless, i go and ask them if they wanted any help getting their RV out
>for the most part, the campers that come are generous and friendly and know that trees are living things
>but not this guy
>"yeah hey, I can't get my RV past this tree, it's the only thing in the way preventing me from leaving"
>"can you just saw a chunk off the tree so I can get by it?"
>not sure I just heard that right, I repeat what he asked in a concerned tone
>"yeah, do you have a chainsaw with you? This tree is in my way, I need to cut it down"
>look him in the eyes and flat out call him an idiot for even suggesting such an idea
>the tree was a fully-grown oak and he wanted it cut down so he can get his oversized camper out
>he gets mad, calls supervisor
>supervisor says the same thing to them and says they shouldn't be camping in nature if they don't know nothing about it
>fucking american city tourists are the worst
>the idiot spends the next hour backing his RV out, finally gets it out then leaves in a rage
>boss and I joke about them to this day

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> Be me - at the climbing wall talked about previously
> Taking customers, and having a pretty good day
> Short chubby kid comes up completely soaking wet
> Not usually an oddity because there is a pool at the rec
> He's still dripping and in his street clothes
> He wants to climb
> Tell him no, it's our policy that you have to be bone dry to use our equipment
> His mother (lardzilla) comes hobbling up, completely out of breath and also soaking wet
> She starts yelling at him in spanish
> I don't understand much spanish but I heard her mention the lake
> MFW I realize why they are wet
> They both fell in the lake outside the rec, and the kid came running inside
> Kid looks scared, he tries to come into my climbing area
> I physically block him because lake water is worse than pool water for my stuff
> He shrieks and then hugs my legs, his face burred in my crotch
> This kid is 3 feet tall and heavier than me so I fall down
> He won't let go
> His mother starts pulling on him and hes screaming
> I yell for my coworker to get a manager
> It takes 4 people to get this kid off me
> The hallway is soaking wet
> I'm soaking wet
> Then the mother goes to the front desk to pay for their day at the rec
> They both come hobbling back down the hallway and ask to climb
> I lost my shit and told them they were banned for life
> Got a weeks suspension from work for "language"
> Worth it

>>723490937
any more stories?

>>723490281
His gay shit made you subconsciously puke your guts out

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>>723491071
I've got a lot from that climbing wall, most of em just involve kids being dumbasses... although I do have a decent one.

> Be me, 6 weeks before the story of me quitting
> Working a normal day
> I was belaying and had a pretty heavy guy on the rope
> It is normal for the harness to "Show off" my manly bits, even when I don't have a boner
> There is a 17 year old guy in there who seemed to be doing alright, but otherwise it was me and the fat guy
> The guy was getting tired but didn't want to stop so he was having me hold him for quite a while
> I see the 17 year old glancing at me a lot so I ask him if he's doing alright
> He says yeah and comes over to chat with me
> It's normal for people to hang out and chat and I enjoyed it
> He started talking about how he recently came out of the closet
> Notice he keeps looking down at my crotch
> Start getting a bad feeling
> He sits down next to me
> I can feel his eyes prying into my ball sack
> Suddenly the guy starts climbing again without any warning and I drop a bit
> I drop right into the 17 year-old's hands
> He had his hands under me such that he was grabbing my ass and balls
> I jump up yelling and the fat guy falls
> I was distracted so the fat guy fell about 5 feet before the rope was tight again
> I rocketed up and he kept going down
> I ended up at the same height as the fat guy when we stopped moving
> Yelled down at the 17 year old to leave before I got down or I would cut his hands off
> Got yelled at by female boss for threatening a customer
Male privilege at it's finest

Can I have one day where I don't put a gun to my head

>>723492155
Probably, best way to do that is to put your gun somewhere that you can't get to it for one day. Like leave it at home and then go on a road trip

>>723486317
Obviously.

>>723492441
Everything above that was me. there had been no responses and I wasn't sure if I should abandon thread or not