Bruce the Tard (Part 1): Intro and Background >This part

>>722689932
ohh tard stories, it feels like it's been forever since i saw one

go on, OP

Bruce the Tard Part 1 (Cont.)

>Now here's me and my crew.
>We call ourselves "The Four Amigos"
>Consists of me, my older brother, "K" and "R"
>we all lived next to each other
>Went to the same highschool in (semi)rural Florida
>We were the types to go fishing, shoot guns, drink from time to time, smoke Black&Milds, and generally give zero fucks.
>Above all, we liked to have fun
>Usually chilled outside (important later)
>Our families knew each other really well too.
>Me and my brother met "R" when I was in 8th grade (long long time ago) and met "K" about a year later
>We don't see each other much these days, we are scattered in different places across the country
>Recently The Four Amigos met up again in our old stomping grounds after years of being apart
>The tard tales and debauchery we reminisced upon will be in our memories forever
>Over the next series of parts, you will relive those harrowing yet hilarious tales with us
>Our harrowing experiences with Bruce, The Tard

>>722690553
consider me hyped

I got tons more already made, posted them on reddit but my fave youtuber will only read 4chan greentexts. Gonna unload them all tonight so buckle up

>>722690821
You ain't Hype!

>You know it, Bro.

>>722690553
Plleeassse cont. Anon

Part 2: Radius of the Damned


>This was the first encounter with Bruce
>It was experienced by only 1 of The Four Amigos - my brother
>He recently retold this story to me with vivid detail
>My brother was a hall runner back in highschool
>Essentially, a hall runner would take passes from the main office to students in various classrooms
>He met some pretty hot chicks in that realm, as most of the other hall runners were well-endowed
>All in all, being a hall runner was a pretty relaxing job.
>Until his third day
>The lady at the front office handed him a white slip
>It was to Tard HQ
>My brother thought nothing of it until he came within stone's throw of his destination
>The sounds of the tards
>He immediately turned around to go back
>Wanted to see if someone else would go or at least come with him
>Both chicks nodded negative
>His hands began to clam up as he returned to Tard HQ
>shit.mkv
>He opened the door, and there was Bruce
>Luckily for my brother, Bruce was on the other end of the room blankly staring at another tater's lego creation
>He quickly speedwalked to the nearest person in charge of the HQ to give her the white slip
>All was well until a downy (who built the lego thing) said the word "skittles"
>Bruce began "giffing"
>Making repetitive movements with her hands over and over again
>Bruce.gif
>At this point, the wranglers' faces went pale
>They were in the Radius of the Damned
>My brother became even more afraid than he already was
>The wranglers were shortstaffed, there were only three in the room versus about 6 taters, most passive of course
>We came to find out later that Bruce "giffed" before attacking nearly 40% of the time
>One of the tard wranglers said "call the police" to the other wranglers in a very soft but stern voice

https://www.reddit.com/r/tardtales/comments/5praml/bruce_the_tard_the_complete_saga/


dont waste your tiume wating for this guy

Bruce the Tard Part 2 (Cont.)

>My brother ran out of the room quickly and waited outside the room to hear what was about to ensue
>The first thing he heard was a giant lego build slammed on the ground with lightning speed
>One second of silence
>"RGUUUUUUUUUUUUJJ" in the loudest, most manly and rugged voice possible
>From the way he described, it sounded louder than a 10-gauge shotgun
>The wranglers had apparently managed to phone the police, they knew they were no match for Bruce
>They were now the prey. Bruce could wrangle them.
>They scrambled out of the room quicker than F-16's. They were covering their ears
>My brother ran with them, ears literally ringing
>I assume the other tards escaped as well
>Bruce stayed and was destroying shit while screaming violently
>Surprised she didnt go after the wranglers or the other tards
>But make no mistake, she was prone to violence
>Police arrive, 2 units
>Black cop gets out, buff as hell
>I have a feeling that dispatch sent Rambo here intentionally
>Other cop was a white guy who looked to be dressed in partial riot gear
>get'em.png
>Officers can hear her all the way from outside, on the opposite half of the school
>School gets put on lockdown (protocol)
>Black cop and white cop walk in like "we got dis"
>They were lowkey laughing at the situation, my brother could tell
>Cops rush Tard HQ with brave looks on their faces, tasers drawn
>See Bruce with broken piece of desk
>Bruce tries to rush the cops
>Gets tazed once
>Slows down a bit
>Tazed twice. Stops dead in her tracks, screaming like a madman(woman)
>My brother and wranglers had to give a statement to the police about what he saw and what triggered her mayhem
>They ended up NOT throwing Bruce in jail
>Wranglers go back to Tard HQ
>Survey damage, I bet it looked like a Grizzly bear had ransacked the place
>Heard a legend that she actually slammed the lego thing WITH SUCH FORCE,
>That a few INDIVIDUAL legos broke

I already said I posted created them for reddit...posting them here anyway

>>722689932
>https://www.reddit.com/r/tardtales/comments/5praml/bruce_the_tard_the_complete_saga/

sage in all fields

gtfo boring fucktard

>>722691586
>going to leddit
nah man, i like it here

>>722691858
>That a few INDIVIDUAL legos broke
damn, son

>sage in all fields

Don't give a fuck about your sage. The train will continue rolling.

add me in the screen cap ~faggot

Bruce the Tard (Part 3): An Even Closer Encounter


>This is the first encounter with Bruce in which I was present
>The aftermath of the Part 2 incident was pretty crazy
>Bruce was gone for about 2 school weeks, presumably at home or in the hospital
>The whole school was buzzing about it
>After my brother told the story to The Four Amigos (our crew), we laughed like we never have before
>Until this fateful day
>Me and "K" were eating lunch together
>My brother and "R" had a different lunch period
>So usually we would sit outside to eat
>But it looked like it was about to rain
>ferk.vba
>So we sat inside that day
>Big mistake
>The first 5 minutes were calm until
>Bruce walked in
>Remember, this was the first time I had personally laid eyes on her
>She was terrifying
>I told K, "Holy fuck is that her?"
>He was staring at her, silent
>So was I
>This tater was fucking huge
>She had two strong-looking wranglers with her, I later found out from my brother that they werent the ones from Part 2
>Dudes this time, not chicks
>One of them was nearly the stature as the black cop
>They just stand along the wall
>I guess they were trying to desensitize her to noises and words after that last skittles incident
>I hadn't got my food yet because me and K were talking about shit
>Where they were standing was right near the food line
>Or at least too close for comfort
>I guess this was also the first time she wore a helmet for her safety
>Anyway, I DONT want to eat now
>K dares me to do it for a few minutes straight
>Also hungry as hell, did Physical Training that day
>fuckit.iso
>I walk up to the food line
>Or at least try to

Bruce the Tard (Part 3) Cont.

>That day was uniform inspection for me, as usual (JROTC)
>The camouflage on my BDU's apparently distracted her as I walked by
>She looked down at me
>Looked directly into my eyes
>Legend has it, that is the ONLY time she has ever done it
>Time began to slow down
>My eyes widened
>The wranglers noticed it too
>They were getting ready to pounce into action
>But she let out a soft "aaaabllaagh" and that was it
>I quickened my pace as I was trying to get my food
>Once I reached the register to pay for it, Bruce tried to calmly walk over to me
>My heart began to beat quicker than a speeding bullet
>I tried to walk back to my table
>K has seen all this and is visibly ready to back me up (i.e. run away)
>But the wranglers manage to bring her back as she was only a 1 on the tardrage scale


>Lunch is almost over, me and K are still in awe of what happened
>Bell is set to ring in only a few minutes
>Bruce visually locates me after lowkey scanning the entire lunch room
>The irony of camouflage.jpg
>I hear a "woah, Woah, WOah, WOAh, WOAAAAHH" from the wranglers
>"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHFFFFFLLIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIUUUUUUUUUU"
>shotgun-blast level scream again, loud as 10-gauge slug
>Its tone a cross between a zombie and Hulk Hogan
>Each has Bruce by one of her arms
>Me and K break and run
>"YAYAYAHAHAHAHYE"
>"WIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIWWWWWWWWWW"
>Wranglers are visibly tired already
>She had the conviction and tardstrength of several newborn suns
>Rest of the lunchroom promptly follows suit as we are out of there in a hurry
>Not sure what happened after that
>Didn't want to stick around to find out
>I guess they managed to calm her down this time, I didnt hear police

Bruce the Tard (Part 4): Illegal Activity and Pursuit
>This story took place with our crew as a whole, encountering Bruce all at once
>In my opinion one of the scariest encounters yet
>This time we were in fear of physical and even legal consequences
>Long story again, get comfortable


>Be us, the Four Amigos
>Meet up before school
>Begin walking to school
>Get into a slightly wooded area, start drinking vodka and actually discussing Bruce's antics
>Light up some Black&Milds too
>WoodTip4Lyfe.mp3
>I was in uniform again this time, it was Wednesday
>Inspectionday.vba
>I get surprisingly drunk (buzzed rather) in a short period of time
>I become paranoid because if anyone sees us, we are fucked
>Begin looking around
>See big blob and two smaller blobs from afar, walking our way


>We put out our cigars and stash the vodka in the woods
>Worried about how we smell, I already reeked of cigars and alcohol
>3 of us were underage to smoke btw, not to mention drink
>Not to mention drink and smoke close to a school
>Not to mention attending school intoxicated with a supply of dip and cigars in our backpacks
>Attempt to hide in the woods instead of ditch our supply
>Some punks used to take our route to school also and they would undoubtedly steal our shit if they found it
>Blobs began to get closer

>>722693823
ah, the godly smell of cigars

Bruce the Tard (Part 4) Cont.

>Me and my friend K said "It's Bruce" at the same time, quietly
>My camoflage was going to save me this time around
>My brother is about to panic because what he saw of Bruce was far worse than mine and K's incident
>(Refer to Part 2)
>This is the first time "R" has seen Bruce
>Now we have ALL seen Bruce in person
>She was looking mighty as an oak and dumb as a sack of taters
>Her size was just immense
>We are all crouching in the woods, about 20 feet away from the sidewalk in which Bruce and her wranglers were walking
>We feared her wranglers equally this time. They would rat us out to the dean for drinking and smoking
>Before they got within earshot, I quietly and fearfully said to the crew "We need to stay put"
>"She won't see us for sure"
>Wrong.

>She manages to see us.
>Here's how that went down
>Remember how she spotted me in the crowded lunchroom because I was the only one wearing camo in Part 3?
>This time, My drunken hubris got the best of me
>When she walked by us, I whispered in the QUIETEST whisper of all time -
>"Not this time, bitch"
>Tard perception activated
>When my friends snapped their heads in my direction,
>she saw their movements
>she stops
>Mfw
>Tard wranglers don't see us yet.
>Bruce says nothing and just looks at us


>She Looks forward again and wont move
>Tard wranglers have no idea we are there, only the Mighty Tato Bruce can percieve us
>Wranglers try to get her to move
>Still as a statue for some reason
>All four of us are panicking on the inside
>This happened in the course of a few seconds, but it seemed like an eternity
>Bruce lets out trademark scream
>She didn't gif this time
>"PPPPPPPPPUUUUUUUUUUEEEEEEOOOOOOO"
>Was louder than .44 Magnum at dawn
>We begin running away as fast as we can
>"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAJJJJJJJ"
>we feared three things - Bruce, the sound she made, and the impending doom of our actions beforehand

File: 1334985789033.jpg (32KB, 465x364px) Image search: [Google]

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>>722689932

bad greentext is bad

Bruce the Tard (Part 4) Cont. Cont.

>"BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEGGGEEE"
>At this point, none of us looked back to see if she is chasing us
>Stop after about 50 or so yards and look
>Sure as shit, and with tardspeed
>Loop around in the park nearby
>Wranglers catch up to her and attempt to hold her back
>Despite being over 300 pounds, she was surprisingly fast
>We hide for a minute or two
>Bruce happens to have her back turned and the screaming gradually decreases
>We move out from cover and one of the wranglers sees us
>We are fucked, the wranglers will tell the dean and we will go to fucking jail
>He doesnt want her to see us, he silently mouths what we think is this -
>"Get out of here"
>Our faces when!
>We inch away slowly
>We go back to where our vodka was
>It was gone, punks stole it
>Proceed to normal school day

Part 5: A Violent Homecoming

Long story again, get comfortable

>After all of Bruce's antics, the school began to wise up
>They hired another wrangler, a THIRD wrangler to be with her at all times
>Homecoming was supposed to be fun, right?
>Not this time
>Bruce was unleashed at the worst possible moment

>Let's talk about the new wrangler first.
>During the pep rally the day of homecoming (before the real festivities) the principal gave a foreword
>Mentioned Bruce in passing
>The seriousness of her previous antics certainly warranted it.
>Told us to be "tolerant" and not to worry. From here on out, she will be under control
>I gritted my teeth as I knew that was bullshit
>The only people who can TRULY stop Bruce are the police
>Bruce stops only when tazed
>Or only when Bruce WANTS to stop
>I suspected the school didn't expel Bruce is because they would have a PR Shitstorm
>Headlines would read "School Expels Tard"
>But he announced that they hired a new wrangler
>I breathed a sigh of relief
>Wrangler takes the mic and introduces himself
>Guess where he's from
>Idaho
>A small town called "Salmon"
>Out of Idaho, moved across the country to Florida
>Yet still wrangling spuds
>I actually didn't know the irony of this at the time
>Just learned about tard potato references
>Wrangler goes on to say he's had years of experience wrangling tards
>Pep rally then goes on normally. A part of me actually believed the wrangler could control her
>Our hearts wanted to believe them
>Yet our minds somehow in confliction with our hearts

>Rewind to that morning of homecoming
>Be us, The Four Amigos
>A day earlier I had bought a pinfish trap
>On the way to school was our fishing hole
>We walked to the fishing hole and I baited the trap in hopes of catching fish
>We set the trap, and by the time the festivities were over, we hoped to dine like kings
>Proceed to school and hear the pep rally I had previously described
>After the pep rally, we were all to go outside

>>722694576
>Idaho
kek

Bruce the Tard (Part 5) Cont.

>By our school was a big field surrounded by a regular chainlink fence
>The staff had planned this day and had a ton of stuff set up in the field
>Those bouncy houses/boxing rings and whatnot
>Various games involving hitting targets with footballs
>Booths from the various clubs, JROTC, Key Club, can't remember the rest
>So basically a carnival without serious rides
>I was set to staff the JROTC booth for the first shift as I was finally promoted to NCO
>The other three amigos were free, none of them were in any clubs
>It was pretty relaxing, for a while
>Bruce's 3 wranglers decided to keep her inside Tard HQ for the day
>I bet its because the principal had JUST told us she was secured for good
>The principal nor the wranglers decided to chance it as their reputations were on the line
>But it would be in vain
>Just as my shift ended, I hear a blood-curdling scream from inside the school
>Everyone else heard it too
>No one knew what to make of it
>Except me and the crew. We knew it was Bruce.
>The teachers and staff told us all to stay calm and to stay outside no matter what
>Some of the staff rushed into the school
>People were terrified. Before this they laughed at Bruce
>That day they learned Bruce was only funny when Bruce was absent.
>I didn't see this incident firsthand, but let me tell you what my homeroom teacher told me the next Monday
>What she told me was a politically correct, watered-down version of what happened.

But here's what I deduced:

>Bruce was calm for the first while. I assume her wranglers didn't want her to know there were festivities outside
>But Bruce must've caught a glimpse of something through the window - The snowcone booth
>This snowcone booth was bomb as hell
>It was also the nearest Homecoming Libation to Tard HQ
>Before my shift began, myself and the crew got some
>They had the best flavors of all time
>Bruce began to yearn for a snowcone
>'miring the different options

Bruce the Tard (Part 5) Cont. Cont.

>The new Idaho wrangler was on the spot for the first time
>Other wranglers trusted his discretion, to their own detriment
>He decided to be smart. He got her a snowcone and brought one back
>Bruce took one bite
>I assume What set her off was the flavor (being the wrong one)
>Not sure if she "giffed" this time
>Bruce becomes enraged
>Proceeds to beat the living tar out of wrangler
>Punches new Idaho wrangler in the head repeatedly with the strength of two Montana lumberjacks
>Idaho man didnt stand a chance against The Mighty Bruce
>Did she use a hasty blunt weapon or two? Possibly
>Other wranglers try to tame her, to no avail
>Luckily the inside of the school was empty, they all had room to run
>The screams we heard were his
>Never saw Idaho wrangler again
>After the teachers told us to stay calm, the crew walked out the fence during all the commotion, towards home
>Lost faith in the system
>We went down to the fishing hole, checked trap
>Lots of fish
>Our faces when

>>722695900
damn.
think she killed him?

Bruce the Tard (Part 6): Homecoming Aftermath

This short story merely entails the consequences of Bruce's Homecoming Incident.
>Needless to say, Idaho Wrangler was fucked.
>Luckily wasn't killed though
>People of the school were shook up
>To qoute my teacher -
>"Wrangler had many gashes on his head. One of the special ed students inflicted the wound"
>She didn't say Bruce did it, but we knew Bruce. Everyone knew Bruce.

Here's what the crime scened looked like

>Many students stuck around, unlike The Four Amigos
>They walked by Tard HQ and saw a melted snowcone and lots of blood
>And yes, the snowcone booth was visible from the Tard HQ window
>But perhaps an equally great loss was Principal's reputation.
>He turned out to be so wrong that fateful day
>My class that following Monday after homecoming was English
>That classroom was right next to the dean's office in which her and principal were talking
>Here's a synopsis of what I heard
>Bear in mind I didnt hear everything
>Basically the incident made an article in the local paper
>Dean doesnt know with whom the blame should lie
>Some concerned parents called in about their teens' safety
>Principal denies responibility. Said "It ain't my fault! Wranglers should have kept a closer eye!"
>They jabber on and on, until the fucking Superintendant arrives to chat
>uhoh.ogg
>The superintendant was surprisingly calm in handling it
>Scorned the principal a bit
>"You told the entire student body they were safe" he says
>"That very day, one of our staff was brutally attacked by this handicapped woman"
>"I realize the severity of this, and demand more wranglers. We need to revamp our Special Ed System" or something to that effect
>"Apologize to the families who call!"
>Now you may be wondering, was Idaho Wrangler eligible for injury pay?
>The following is only a theory that me and my brother just realized:
>NO!
>Idaho Wrangler signed away his very safety the moment he was hired. We assume it was in his employment contract

>>722696267
bloody hell, they knew they were throwing it in the meat grinder

Bruce the Tard (Part 7): A New Day

This takes place one school year after the Homecoming Incident

>Bruce actually never returned to school after that
>thankgod.mov
>Since she wasnt expelled, what happened?
>Here's our theory: she couldn't have gone to jail as she was mentally incompetent
>We believed she was homeschooled
>We all began to laugh about Bruce's old antics again
>The entire school
>I know, foolish but so fun
>But only The Four Amigos knew about the incidents of Part 4
>Except for one important man
>My Colonel
>As you all know, I was in JROTC
>It's strange how he suspected the old encounter
>Maybe he overheard my conversations with The Amigos
>Maybe he was just incredibly perceptive...
>After all, he was a former Air Force Intelligence Officer
>Anyway, I was up for promotion again
>I had been working my ass off to rank up
>This time my rank was switching from a c/SMSGT to c/Capt
>A New Day had arrived
>Colonel had called me into his office
>It was just the two of us
>"Have a seat, anon" in a nonchalant tone
>I sit down. "So first of all, congratulations on your promotion!"
>"Thank you, sir"
>"So I have one question for you, and answer truthfully"
>"Uh...Ok" I say
>"What is it with you and that retard?"
>Mfw
>"What?" I say, shocked. Shocked especially that he said retard
>"Is there something I should know about? Answer with caution."
>"I like to vet my officers for integrity." A serious look on his face
>ohshit.mp3
>Im fucked. I assume at this point that he knows about the vodka encounter with Bruce
>I tell him everything
>Literally everything
>Colonel laughs
>Turns out he was being sarcastic about knowing anything
>Approves my promotion
>Mfw

>>722696635
you have no face, anon

Bruce the Tard (Part 7): The Final Bruesome Encounter


The final encounter took place one day after my promotion
Most importantly, this was the day Bruce faced justice

>As you know, Bruce was out of school for the last school year
>We assumed she moved or had been homeschooled
>Above all, we assumed the world was safe again.
>This was incorrect.
>Imagine facing 300-pounds of raging taterhuman without the presence of her wranglers
>This is what went down
>Be us, Four Amigos
>It was a beautiful Saturday, none of our parents are home
>Chillin.pvc
>That day we were on top of K's roof
>Shooting doves with our pellet guns
>Grilling them in his outdoor firepit
>Having cigars and chilling
>Talking about women, life, whales and woe
>All of the sudden we hear tardscreech from afar
>Bruce
>We jump up to see
>See nothing
>Estimate Bruce was about a half mile away
>Yeah she was THAT loud
>We don't know what to do
>Discussing our options and decide to get down from the roof
>"R" tries to climb down on the ladder
>Ladder falls
>Turns out it wasn't seated on the concrete properly
>We are on top of a 2-story house, mind you
>We arent getting down
>Didn't want to risk breaking a leg in the vicinity of Bruce
>Don't know what to do other than stay put and shut up
>Peek over the roof's highpoint
>Make visual contact with Bruce
>She's coming this way, rounding our block
>Bruce had swamp-water on her arms and legs
>Chasing a little dog, not sure if it was hers
>We feared for the dogs life more than ours
>My brother does something ballsy
>Says in an almost tearful tone.."BRUCE!!!..."
>Bruce looks up at us
>"...JUST STOP!!"
>Bruce stops. Dog keeps running, thank god
>Bruce looks up at us. Still no humanity in her cold eyes
>"UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU"
>She is angrier than a raging bull
>Indescribable

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>>722697148

My face

>>722697427
your brother did good

Bruce the Tard (Part 7) Cont.

>"BBLLLAAAAAAAATR"
>"FFFFFLLLLEEEEEBBEEEEEE"
>Neighbor woman who hates us comes outside to investigate raging tater
>We've had a long and dark history with her, but I'll spare you the details
>"Is this yo girlfren or somethin'? Bahaha. She mean as hail. Yall done pissed her off this time 'round!"
>Bruce locks on to her
>"PEEEEEEEEPPPEEEEEEEERREEBEEE"
>We frantically convince her to run inside and lock the fucking door.
>She thinks nothing of it until Bruce starts giffing
>Bruce.gif
>Neigbor woman becomes mortified
>Runs inside and locks door
>Bruce charges, with green diarrhea coming out of her white shorts.
>We begin laughing in terror
>Bruce banging on the door as hard as rhino
>Lady calls the cops, we can see her through the window
>Lady disappears into her house, we can no longer see her
>We hope her carpenter did good work with the door
>Luckily Bruce didnt go for any of the windows
>Cop shows up, guess who it is?
>Buff Black Cop from the first encounter
>Bruce is too focused on the door to notice him
>This time knows what he is dealing with
>Goes for his fucking 12-gauge pump in the back of his cruiser
>Beanbag rounds (Non lethal)
>We begin shouting in joy
>Finally, some justice for Bruce. Justice that neither the wranglers nor the principal could deliver.
>If I could name his shotgun, I would name it "The Equalizer"
>As soon as we shouted, Bruce turned to us
>This second of silence seemed to last a lifetime
>The world stood still
>Black cop busts a shot from 20 feet more or less
>Busts one again
>Bruce flailing on ground, flailing in her pool of green shit
>Busts another.
>Bruce down.
>Shot her presumably in the temple and knocked her out
>She began puking repeatedly in her unconcious state
>Another unknown officer and an ambulance arrive on scene
>They take her into custody and console neighbor woman
>Black cop gets our ladder back up
>He recognizes my brother
>"You boys OK?"

Bruce the Tard (Part 7) FINAL

>This was the only time I cussed to an adult and gave zero fucks about it
>I smiled at him and said:
>"Fuck yeah we are"
>Have a lengthy chat with officer, fill him in on Bruce's antics
>He gets serious and says "She's going away for a long, long time"
>We all look at eachother, smiling and laughing
>Explains that the Local PD set their sights on her after the Homecoming Incident
>He begins walking away, happy
>Before he exits the fence he says:
>"I Got'er, boys"
>Wish I knew what brand of shotgun shells he was using
>Probably Winchester Tardslappers


And that is the tale of Bruce, The Tard

We got along with our neighbor after that

That's all, folks!