I dont know why im posting this tonight, but i woke up at 3:30

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I dont know why im posting this tonight, but i woke up at 3:30 a.m today hating my life and am seriously considering suicide for the first time since i was an edgy 14 year old. im 24 now and i cant work, when i was 19 they discovered a physical deformity in the bone structure of my legs that my previous doctors all somehow missed and for the last 5 years ive been in and out of the hospital and surgery trying to get it fixed. recently my surgeon decided i didnt need painkillers anymore but the pain is still unbearable so ive been buying painkillers off the street , only they are getting to be too expensive and im one small step away from upgrading to heroin. ive had a fair share of relationships but theyve all been toxic from being druggies together or being in an emotionally abusive relationship w/e, all those relationships have made me apathetic to the world around me and its straining relationships with the few friends and family that still talk to me, i still dont know why im typing this out on this site but ive been on this cancer site for 11 years and ive come to love you faggots just as much as i hate you all, i just wanted you to know my story i guess.also to know that ive enjoyed the laughs ive gotten from you guys just in case i do decide its time to go today