Alright, /b/ , I'm about to share with you a story that

>Be me.
>Born in March, 2000.
>At the time of writing this I'm 16, will be 17 in about a month.
>Have a mother, 2 older brothers, and an older sister.
>They're 9, 10, and 11 years old than me, with my brothers being born in 89' and 91' and my sister being born in 90'.
>My parents were middle class and split up not too long after I was born, and my siblings and I lived with my mom in a decent sized house, until one at a time they went away to college in 07', 08', and 09'.
>My parents are both super old, almost 60.
>If it wasn't clear to you at this point, I was an accident. An accident that played a pretty key role in the separation of my parents.
>I don't feel guilty about it, it's not my fault someone's condom broke.
>For the most part, I was a pretty happy kid.
>Loved basketball, riding bikes, Pokemon, rap music, and all sorts of other things a normal kid would be interested in throughout elementary school.
>It never really bothered me not having a dad, partially because I had two older brothers for father figures and partially because it's kind of hard to miss someone that you never really knew in the first place.
>My siblings hated going through their teenage years without the father that raised them for the first decade of their lives and despised my dad for leaving, which is understandable I guess.
>Honestly, I was always kind of thankful that I didn't have to deal with having a dad. My mom is already a big enough issue on her own, and I can't imagine what it would be like if I had two people like that in my life.

I don't have any sort of emotional baggage weighing over me from not having a dad, I just figured it'd be an essential detail to have for later on in the story.

>So anyway, elementary school and middle school were pretty much normal and exactly what you would typically expect.
>I did well in school, but was also the class clown.
>Not in an autistic sort of way, but in a reasonably funny way, always making jokes about people in the classroom or talking down to myself just to see the smiles on other people's faces.
>My favorite part of school was always class presentations. I loved public speaking and always had this dream in middle school that one day I would be a famous comedian.
>I'd always start off silly or sarcastically and throw in a lot of contradicting or hypocritical statements for laughs, and then finish it off with a very serious and critical point or message in a speech that left everyone just sitting there baffled for a little bit. (Kind of like a good episode of South Park or Futurama that makes plenty of jokes and is filled with lightheartedness throughout the plot and then ends on a very serious note that teaches an important and positive message.)
>Most of the more laid-back reasonable teachers had a love-hate relationship with me, while most of the strict teachers just had a hate relationship with me and labeled me as disruptive.
>Not much changed by the time I got to high school.
>Still the same goofy, aware, relaxed person and was actually pretty 'popular' at this point.
>Not popular as in I was the coolest kid in school or anything, but popular as in I had tons of nerd friends, jock friends, party friends, gamer friends, goth friends, and whatever else you could think of. I pretty much just fit in wherever you threw me, but still always stuck out like a sore thumb.
>However, one thing I didn't have was a girlfriend.

>>722529498
ok, go on OP ...

>Fast forward through freshman year.
>Still didn't have a girlfriend, nor did I ever have anything more than just a slight crush on any of the girls that I had been hanging out with thus far.
>Freshman year ends, ready to relax for the summer.
>Realize that I'll be 16 in about 10 months and that if I'm going to try and save up and buy a car as soon as I get my license, then I better start now.
>Get a job as a bagger at this grocery store that I lived close to. My oldest brother had actually worked there for a while like 8 or 9 years before I did.
>They would only let me work weekends and on the shortest shifts possible since I was 15, so I was only making like $50 a week and I was saving every penny of it.
>That's $200 a month, and $2,000 after 10 months. I figured that it would probably be enough for a decent first car.
>Skip ahead a couple months.
>August 2015.
>Sophomore year is starting.
>Saved up a couple hundred bucks at this point, but started to spend a little bit of it.
>Started smoking weed, would always pick up a dime bag every couple of weeks just to relax on a Friday night, but other than that would save all of my money.
>Had first period class with this guy that was a junior who worked with me at the grocery store that sold me weed occasionally. We'll call him Chris. Chris will be back later.
>Had fourth period with this other guy who had a reputation of being a bad kid and doing bad shit, even though he was a pretty funny and smart guy that never really got angry or let anything phase him. We'll call him Brandon.

go on...

>>722529896
>At the time of writing this I'm 16, will be 17 in about a month.

what a shame we have to cut your story short

>>722530367
>Brandon

OP is it okay if we call him Mephistopheles the Undying one?

>>722530412
lol cucked

>Brandon was a senior, and about a month or two into the school year, he got transferred to my school's 'alternative school' with all of the bad kids that kicked off of main campus.
>I don't remember exactly what it was for. Probably truancy, poor grades, fighting, or weed. Don't worry, our pal Brandon will return later on in the story as well.
>So now there's one less person in my fourth period class, which leaves room for someone new.
>We had a new student about a week later, a girl that we'll call Sara.
>Sara was a senior and was like 2 and a half years older than me. She was just turning 18 and I was closer to 15 than I was to 16 at this point.
>She was about 5'2, light red hair, bright blue eyes just like mine, 10/10 body, 10/10 personality, 8/10 face that was really distinct and cute in its own unique way, and had a great sense of humor.
>I won't go into too much detail about her, but this was essentially my first huge crush.
>Me, being a solid 7/10, maybe an 8/10 on a good day, that was two and a half years younger than this amazing woman, actually started crushing on her like a fucking tard.
>We were super close and we talked about pretty much everything you could think of throughout the duration of that class.
>We ended up having the desks changed from individuals to doubles like halfway through the semester and we decided to always sit together.

>She was so beautiful and so amazing, I thought that there was no possible way you could ever crush on someone harder than I was crushing on her. Later, I figured out how wrong I was about that...
>She told me a lot of personal stuff about herself, as did I to her.
>She was so thoughtful and was also really funny, too. We had dozens of inside jokes and references that only we understood.
>I never got the courage to ask her out or make a move or anything because I was beta as fuck, and she was dating some super good looking senior for a while.
>The second they broke up, I thought that I may be able to swoop in and make a move but she was already dating some guy in college that she had known for like 5 years that she said she had always secretly loved.
>She talked about him all the time, and as jealous as I was, I couldn't help but be happy for her.
>He seemed like a nice guy and I could tell that he treated her with the generosity and respect she deserved, even if I hadn't met him in person at the time.
>About 3 months had gone by since all of this had happened. I'm still working at the grocery store saving up my money, smoking a little bit of bud, and crushing on Sara even though she was already in love with a guy that was practically Hercules.
>December 2015 at this point.
>Christmas break starts, and I slowly start talking to her less and less.
>January 2016 rolls around and we're back in school, but we don't have any of the same classes.
>February 2016 and we're practically never talking anymore. Just some occasional smalltalk over text and liking each other's posts on social media.
>Spent that Valentine's Day pretty upset and lonely about the whole thing, but I really wasn't all that upset since I had pretty much spent 2 months to put her behind me, and for the most part I was pretty successful at doing that.

??????

File: image.jpg (1MB, 2592x1936px) Image search: [Google]

1MB, 2592x1936px

>March 2016 starts and we're pretty much never talking anymore. I also no longer have any romantic feelings for her anymore and kind of have this "Fuck dating, relationships are stupid and always end badly." type of mentality.
>Felt like I learned a huge lesson from my first crush even though we never actually dated and she never even knew I liked her the way I did.
>I'm still working at the grocery store at this point. Chris had been fired a couple of months previously due to not showing up and calling in too often.
>I'm still an occasional weed smoker at this point, but was kind of getting bored of it.
>Start getting pretty close with this one girl that I worked with that went to the same school as me and was a year ahead of me. We'll call her Katy.
>Promised myself I wouldn't start catching feelings and that we would just be close friends.
>She's really nice and supportive about a lot of things and is someone you can go to talk to about pretty much anything. She's also a solid 9/10, blondish-brunette hair, blue eyes, nice body, pretty smile, about 5'5.
>It was near the end of March and was a couple of days away from my 16th birthday. I remember one day at work she wrote "Happy Birthday, Austin! :)" and signed her initials on a piece of receipt paper that I later put in my pocket and totally forgot about. (My name isn't actually Austin and the note had my real name on it, obviously, but for the sake of privacy we'll just pretend that it said Austin).
>Pic related.
>Got home from work later that night and remembered the piece of paper in my pocket. I pulled it out and sat it down at the back of the desk in my room and forgot about it for a while.
>Turned 16 a couple days later, spent all my money on my car, and was ready to start life with the independence of life that all 16 year olds feel when they get their first car.

Now this is where shit started to get out of control in every aspect of my life at a fucking hyper speed rate of disaster.

>>722531675 I was wondering where that post went as I just read it and suddenly it was gone. Cool cool.

>April 2016
>Completely burnt out on weed at this point, decided to give LSD a try.
>Fucking amazing, thought it was so cool. I felt like I had everything in life figured out.
>Little did I know that was just the start...
>My mother had to sell the house since it was beginning to get too expensive, so we moved in my brother.
>I packed up my shit, got all of my clothes, video games, and everything else I owned and put them into suitcases.
>Threw all the stuff on my desk into a duffel bag.
>Gave acid a couple more tries, still loving it.
>Suddenly, this new girl starts working as a cashier at the grocery store where I work. We'll call her Ella, since the only person I could think of that would be an accurate comparison to her is Ella from the famous 4chan story of Ella, Nicole, Pete, and anon from a couple of years ago.
>Drop. Fucking. Dead. Gorgeous.
>Didn't know such beauty was achievable in this reality.
>Long, thin, wavy blonde hair.
>The most beautiful emerald green eyes in the entire world. It was like she was Medusa, because every time she would glance at me I would get lost staring into the two most beautiful and charming green gems that I've ever seen.

>I'd rate her on a scale of X/10 like I did with the previous two girls, but honestly she'd just fucking shatter every rating you try to give her with a perfect score. No other girl in the world is anywhere near comparable or even remotely close to being in the same league as her. Her perfection can not simply be reduced to a numerical rating. You could put her in a room with a dozen other girls that people would consider a perfect 10 and she would still be the one to stand out and draw in all of your attention. She's literally perfect in every aspect imaginable.
>There's got to be some sort of catch. Surely she's a bitch or is really unintelligent or something, right?
>HellNo.jpg
>Sweetest, most innocent and caring person I've ever seen.
>Always tries to comfort people and find the light in a dark situation, yet at the same time she still manages to be bold, upfront, confident, and is not afraid of being straightforward and honest without people about what she thinks, what she believes in, and how she feels.
>Turns out she goes to a different high school than me on the other side of town and that she's a year ahead of me, so she's a Junior and I'm a Sophomore at this point in the story. Her birthday is close to mine, so I was just recently 16 and she was just recently 17.
>Finally get an opportunity to talk to her.

??????

>Kick the conversation off with something like, "Hey, I'm Austin. Are you new here?"
>As it turns out it was her first day working there alone without having anyone training her.
>She was so pure. Straight off the bat I felt so comfortable talking to her.
>Like, no bullshitting, no small talk, no nothing. I was just me being my complete and honest self and she was just her being her complete and honest self.
>Business was slow that particular day, and I was thankful as fuck for that.
>Spent a couple hours getting to know her, trying to fight the urge to constantly stare at her beautiful face and lose myself in those stunning green eyes.
>Looking back at it, I probably should have quit being such a pussy and made a move, if not on that first day we met, at least sometime shortly afterwards. I fucked up a lot of things in my life, as you will be able to see later on in the story, but the one thing I regret more than anything was blowing my chances with this girl. If I could go back and time and do one fucking thing differently, I would have made it more clear that I was interested in her back in April 2016.
>Drive home and can't sleep at all that night because of how astounded I am from meeting such a goddess.
>Feeling some love at first sight type of shit.
>At this point I was 16 so they let me work more hours so I was working 3 or 4 days a week, and so was she.
>Somehow got unlucky as shit and was scheduled all of the days she didn't work while she was scheduled all of the days I didn't work for like two weeks. I literally got to see her one time and it was when I was clocking into work as she was just leaving.
>She's so amazing, every guy that knew her was probably head over heels for her and was trying to get with her, myself included.

I'm still here anon, documenting your story

>Slowly start remembering what happened with Sara and realizing that I'm only going to end up having my heart shattered if I fall for someone so unbelievably beautiful, caring, and thoughtful.
>Force myself to try to break away from all of those feelings, but I can't completely shake them off.

Now this is where shit starts going downhill at an alarming rate.

>May 2016.
>Somehow tripping acid once every week turned into doing cocaine just about every day.
>Every. Fucking. Day.
>Feel the weight shedding off of my body.
>Kept building up a tolerance so I start doing it more often and in larger quantities.
>ThisIsntGood.jpg
>Done coke at least twice a day every day for like a week straight.
>Finally remove my head from my ass and say "Wait a second, maybe I'm doing this shit too much..."
>Decide not to buy anymore.
>2 days clean.
>Holy withdrawals, Batman.
>Skin itches, feels like it doesn't even fit me anymore.
>Can hardly sleep, can hardly eat, can hardly fucking walk.
>How the fuck did I not realize what I was doing to myself? Better yet, how the fucking did no one else notice what I was doing to myself?
>Meanwhile, I'm getting a little bit closer with Ella.
>I try to be around her and talk to her at work as often as I can.
>She was so easy to get along with and always had a story to tell or something positive to say about someone or something.
>Every time she spoke I'd have the widest, stupidest looking, most childish grin ever.
>She had the voice of an angel. Every time she said anything everyone would fall completely silent, if not to listen to what she was about to say, then at least to listen to the soothing tranquility that flooded their ears as she spoke.
>I'm confused as to how it's possible for one person to be so perfect.

>We joked around a lot and were often sarcastic with each other at times. She was incredibly witty and smart, too.
>She often told me stories of guys that were trying to date her and get with her.
>Surprisingly, a lot of people in her life, especially guys, treated her like complete shit and didn't appreciate her at all.
>I didn't understand how there could possibly be anyone in the world out there that didn't see what I saw in her, but everyone has their own opinion I guess.
>She always talked about how some fuckboy was trying to play her, or how some douche bag didn't care about her at all and treated her like shit, or how some dumbass was just... Well, was just being a dumbass...
>I often made jokes about how if I was her, I would get revenge on some of these stupid pricks. I'd go on long detailed rants and make up scenarios about how I would elaborately ruin their life in some sort of hilarious yet sinister way.
>Kept on thinking to myself that if I ever dated her, I would treat her like a queen and nothing less.
>Meanwhile, I'm over here fucking up my entire life and killing myself with cocaine and acid.
>Not going to lie, I was going through a bit of a rough patch.
>Borderline insane at this point, I came up with this brilliant solution out of the blue one day.
>In the event that anything were to ever happen to me, I want to give everyone a proper goodbye.
>Make a list of all the people that are most important to me in life.
>Come out with a list of 18 different people.

>Start writing different people their own individual "goodbye letters" which were practically just suicide notes. Sara, Katy, and Ella were all on the list. Sara was the 11th or 12th person on the list, Ella was the 7th, and Emily was the 5th. I wrote the first 4 letters with very little hesitation. It usually took me 2 or 3 days to write one, and they were each about 6-8 pages of loose-leaf paper, front and back, talking about my thankfulness and appreciation I had for the person and how I was glad that we were friends.

Now I wasn't exactly necessarily planning to kill myself, but the idea definitely wasn't all that ridiculous or distant to me. I just wanted to prepare and have notes ready to mail people to let them know how special they were and how much they meant to me if it ever came to the point where I was going to die, whether it be on accident or on purpose.

>The first 4 letters really weren't all that difficult to for me write, even though they were to my 4 closest friends.
>So I get home from school one day and I'm about to start Emily's goodbye letter, when I realize that I need a pen.
>I didn't have any in my backpack so I went to the closet and picked out a duffel bag that I had thrown in there from when I had first moved in a couple weeks prior.
>Open up the zipper and start searching for a pen.
>Feel a pen, along with folded up piece of paper.
>WotInTarnation.jpg
>Open it up, a thousand memories of dread, nostalgia, and happiness wash over me.
>"Happy Birthday, Austin! :)" with Katy's initials signed.

>Stare at it for what feels like an hour.
>Trying to think of the best way to start off her letter.
>There's no fucking right way to go about doing this.
>Finally snap out of the emotionless void that I've been in for two weeks and burst into tears.
>Couldn't get the image out of my head of what Katy's face would like while she was reading my goodbye letter if I ever did something to stupid and ended up dead.
>Feel guilty and embarrassed as shit for letting myself get to this point.
>Even though I wasn't just straight up ready to go out guns blazing at any given moment, the sheer thought that I was preparing for my permanent demise while I was so young was enough to make me step back and reevaluate my entire life.
>Started thinking about Ella.
>Even if I had successfully managed to write Katy's goodbye letter and the letter for the 6th person that was on the list, there is no way in hell I would have been able to keep my composure while writing Ella's goodbye letter.

Seriously, what the fuck would I have said? Something like,
"Dear Ella,
I know we're not really super close or anything, but I just wanted to say that you're the most amazing and beautiful girl that I've ever had the pleasure of meeting, and now I'm going to write you a 10 page fucking essay about why you're the best thing this planet has to offer. Also, I think I'm in love with you. Oh yeah, and by the way I forgot to mention, if you're reading this letter it means that I killed myself. Have a happy life! Sincerely, Austin." ?

How could you kill yourself anon?

I felt guilty and ashamed for ever letting myself hit that level of low. It was selfish as fuck for me to only think of myself and I'm aware that I'm a complete asshole for not even beginning to consider how other people would feel until I was that far into the whole thing.

Just a fun little fact, I still keep that 11 month old piece of receipt paper that says "Happy Birthday, Austin! :)" in my wallet to this very day just to remind myself not to be so inconsiderate of others. I ripped up and burnt all four of the goodbye letters as well as the list of 18 people in my backyard a couple days after all of this happened. It felt pretty good destroying all of them and putting all of that shit behind me, even though I had just wasted a week of my time putting all of my effort into those letters just to watch them be torched in front me.

>So now I've been off of cocaine for like 2 or 3 weeks and promised myself that I'd never put that poison in my body again, and I had also come to the conclusion that I wasn't mentally or emotionally capable of doing so much LSD in such a little time while I was still so young, so I decided to give that a break for a while too.
>I also still had no interest in smoking weed. I'd began to hate the feeling of being slowed down or out of control, which I why I had enjoyed things that gave you a rush like coke and acid.
>Even though acid mellows out your body, makes your legs tingle, and gives you butterflies, it still makes your mind travel at a mile a minute, which I really enjoyed.
>Nonetheless, I decided to take a little break from acid and clear my mind.

You're starting to get a new grip on life at this point of the story, good shit anon.