Im bored af How bout a pointless super powers thread Super

The ability to find love that never lives you back

/thread

Power to spawn pugs

The ability to touch MC Hammer

I have such bad luck that if I was a mutant my ability would be to make things smell like cheese, Or something.

>>722282649
No one's been able to do that since the 90's

The ability to teleport into the center of the sun 3 times

>>722282822
Well our new hero can now.

>>722282229
The ability to turn into a lamp but not be able to turn back

>>722282649
>touch MC hammer
>sue for false advertisement

You have delved the deepest dungeons, climbed the highest mountains, and found a secret incantation allowing complete mindcontrol over anyone named Timmy Xan-Tchee Kerfurffleflaffle The Third

>>722283376
>have many children
>name them all that
>tell them to have children and name their children that
>slowly build an army of Kerflurffleflaffles
>take over the world

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>>722283574
> an army of Kerflurffleflaffles

The ability to give straight men the best oral sex, but the moment a penis is in your touch, you turn straight

>>722283778
>the moment a penis is in your touch

what?

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>>722283778
>but the moment a penis is in your touch

>>722282323
We already all have that power.

>>722283801
>>722283841
When you touch a penis

a penis is in your grasp aka touch

The ability to pause time for one second a day

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>>722283778
>be me
>be curve sex
>about to give the head to man
>the penis is in my touch
>man turn straight
>face familiar

You can raise the dead. Like, a foot off the ground.
You put the fun in funerals

>>722284268
Kek

>>722283801
>>722283841

sorry english not first language
very sorry

The ability to telekinetically lift anything but only if you could physically pick it up.

>>722284982
idk dude i could totally use that power every fucking day

the remote is too far away

my controller is on the coffee table

my cat is being a lil shit

super fucking useful

>>722284982
This power is way too useful

>>722282229
clean your room boot

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the power to make an outdated meme relevant again

the worlds best dick

but you cum shit and shit cum... that isn't yours

>>722285363
So you jizz fecal matter of another man, and you poop out poop sized quantities of another man's cum?

God damn a blumpkin would be confusing

>>722285490
the average toddler wouldn't know the difference anyway

You can slam dunk anytime, anywhere, from any height, but only if you use kittens instead of basketballs

>>722282229
The power to absolutely nail any one karaoke song... But you don't know which song

>can shapeshift into any person you want
>can only stay shapeshifted for a day and when you turn back, person you shapeshifted into knows that you've done so.
>also, can only shapeshift every two days.

>>722285760
That is so damn useful dude you dont even fucking know.

>>722285760
Yeah that is def not useless, either you do something that's not worth knowing or you do something worth knowing and you get the guy killed

You can perform any dance in the world perfectly, but you lose full bladder and sphincter control while dancing

The ability to read animals minds, but not understand their language

you can eat 1 item within 1 hour every 1 year and it will come out of your body as solid platinum

but whatever you eat will reassemble itself to its original shape and size so if you eat a full sized turkey then you shit out a full sized turkey

the ability to tell the exact time at all times, but its always from a different time zone.

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>>722285974
> "Ah oui oui hon hon hon baguette omelette du fromage"
> WTF IS THIS MOONMAN LANGUAGE

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>>722286040
That would still make you rich as fuck

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>>722286196
but at what cost

an ultra prolapsed anus may be a small price to pay to shit 25 pounds of solid platinum in the shape of a pineapple but at least you'll laugh your way out of the emergency room

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>>722286040
Dude just eat your own turds, genius

>>722286390
>>722286403
or a hot dog

>>722286453
Okay I'll admit that does sound a bit more pleasant
I don't know where my mind went

>>722282323
Ending thread on your own post...
The faggotry nowadays

>>722286403
>gold pressed latinum

The ability to jump as high as I want but falling from heights will still kill you.

>>722286561
> become olympic pole vaulting champion
/useless

>>722286514
1,000.00 a year instead of going all out and facing the wrath of satan out of your ass for upwards of 400,000.00

you faggots ain't dreamers thats for sure

I'm monsieur le shitte and when I take a massive dump the soul of this ancient French chef overtakes my body and I get amazing cooking skills

The ability to switch bodies only with the person standing exactly on the opposite side of the planet
If you try it while nobody's there you just die

>>722282229
>To be invisible when no one is looking directly at you


If you were invisible they couldn't look at you.

fail

>>722286612
true. but you don't need to have super powers to be great at sports.

>>722286807
Holy fuck I'm high, wrong thread

My bad

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>>722282229
faggot. thats power is super useful

>>722286791
Like 70% chance of changing body with fucking nemo

Smell like any scent of your choosing.

You become invisible for a half a minute when you fart in public

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>>722287000
Dude I would love that. I would rip 'em loud and proud

Mentally tune into radio stations.

The power of reviving famous people but only to show them memes for 1 minute before they die again

Becoming mexican at will

Every time you sneeze a puppy dies

The ability to rise from the dead one time if killed, but you only live for another 20 seconds.

The ablity to grow the best weed in the world but the DEA will always raid and burn your crop down before you ever get to smoke or sell any.

The ability to convince anyone the money you hand them is worthless.

The ability to to turn everything you touch into Shit

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You sing the most beautiful love songs but you look like pic related

>>722287510
Thats so useful. Walk through a bank vault door. If you dont mind being covered in crap you just became bullet proof. High velocity turds will still bruise.

You can see crimes happen in your dreams but only years after it happens.

You can explode at will.

You can punch though impenetrable walls and doors but only if there's isn't anything valuable on the other side.

You can master any game, but it has to be a collectible card game that has been discontinued

Anything you eat alive, you poop out alive.
...But it has seen things.

You can make paper tear from a distance.

>>722284982
If we're talking strength wise I can deadlift 405.

If we're talking about what is within arms reach then yeah that's useless.

>>722287992
> No longer have to worry about signing contracts
Seems pretty useful to me

the power to play the pokemon theme worldwide by the push of a button held by only you

>>722282556
I don't see any cons

You can flawlessly recall all of your memories before the age of 5.

>>722288088
Pretty sure that would start a world wide panic.

>>722287992
Working as a light-tech, there are so many fucking stupid artsy shows I would love to have this ability for..

The power to fuck anime babes, but you can't ever bust a nutt

>>722286040
Just eat a 30ft rope.

>>722285697

I would lose my fucking mind and kill myself the very second i found out i had this power

You can punch open first size portals when you throw a punch, the portal always just leads inside butthole.

You are indestructible while you're taking a shit

>>722288438
op would get tons of use out of this one

You have the power of flight but after 10 seconds of flying you are mortified of heights and that fear lasts for the rest of the day before it resets.

Posting bananas

The ability to win every battle but the war never ends

>>722282229
the ability to look directly at the sun for one minute

the ability to know how many pages are in a book just by seeing it

>>722288980
I can make the sun turn blue just by looking at it long enough

You can precisely throw snowballs over 30 yards.

Being the greatest lover in the world, but you got testicular cancer and your nuts fell off.

>>722289034
If that effect worked on other people at the same time you could start a sun god cult.

The ability to tell exactly how fast the car youre driving is going but only if its your friend's car

>>722282229

Jumping is not an issue if you want to jump 4 feet.

The ability to exhale Cheeto dust.

>>722288978
I'll take "What is Trumps superpower" for 200 Alex

>>722289212

This is whatever. My husband only has one testicle because he had the other removed during surgery because of a hernia. I dont care and i doubt most people do. I wouldnt give two fucks if he lost both

rainbow colored semen

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Being the greatest Gun-Fu Master ever.
Can only get work at Olive Garden.

>>722289410
Well a person is still can still have sex with one just nut. What if he loses the other one, and can't have sex anymore?

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>>722289410
tits or gtfo you stupid whore >:(

>>722282229
The ability to breathe underwater but only if you're not in water.

>>722282229
The ability to use night vision but only while the sun is out.

>>722282229

>13% bulletproof

That would still be good as bullets would make 13% less impact on you. That could be the difference between life and death

>invisible when no one is looking directly at you

They wouldn't be looking directly at you cause you'd be invisible

the ability to fart the world's nastys farts, but only when nobody is around to smell it.

>>722289354

That could be quite useful if you like cheetos

>go bargain supermarket
>buy a kilo of cheap as fuck chips
Blow into bag
>bargain cheetos

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>>722287733

Still could be useful

>>722288496
Lodge a shit halfway into your ass, cement it there and run into battle

Ez

>>722287621

Just go on x factor. They would milk you to the viewers emotionally like Susan Boyle

>>722289488
>can only get work at olive garden

So you infiltrate gang or cartel hideouts, kill them and take their money stash

No one is technically hiring for that

>>722290532
True. The victim is still fucked for years though if their still alive.

>>722289697
So now you're immune to waterboarding

Wow so useless

>>722290741

Being fucked for years is worse than being fucked for no years but better than being fucked for all the years

>Be able to spawn guns
>Have to eat metal and digest for 34 hours

>>722290761


Implying water boarding is torture and the Muslims aren't just whinging to make America look bad

>>722282229
The ability to get exactly 1/2 a bonner and slap the stupid OP in the face with semi rigid dick

>>722284268
Larst it, Kek

>>722282229
Maybe a power that performs a checksum on 0!=1
>inb4 mathfag

The power to raise pol pot from the dead but he's very demanding and makes you drive him round everywhere