Worst thing you've ever jerked off with. >toothpaste

Elmer's Glue.

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>>722052204

>>722051963
Them vibrators hanging down?

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>>722052695
Yeeaahh

>>722051963
I jerked off once to a ugly bitch and used that shitty lube u get at the mart and i felt bad cause i wasted cum and energy and a potential opportunity to have real sez and become enlightened and see the world and break away from the bondage and desire and trap abd cage in for internet and girls...... it's like a mutant dinosaur sometimes it's just a myth people tell around a campfire to get peope to know and see and clue each other......


Jerking off can be ur penis or ballsaxk or vagina or eggs or ego or eyelid or ur cats curved tail but true of it comes from the spirit and mibd and body and alignment with the soul and world......

Cheap shower gel. Had formaldehyde in it and make my dick flake skin for weeks

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>>722053548

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>>722052204
What did you think was going to fucking happen?

Can we please have more vibrators in public? Pretty please?

>>722051963
Tooth paste...
It gets slippery when it's wet...
It sucked.

>>722054719
Second that notion.

>>722051963
Have a friend we call "Turp"
He was painting his parents house and got paint all over himself
Used turpentine to remove the paint from his hands
For some reason he decided to jerk off after using the turpentine
He dick burned and swollen up, had to go to the hospital,
Don't use turpentine

>>722054841
I'll give it a third.

>>722055184
fourth

>>722055163
That's what we call natural selection. If only he'd generated enough friction to ignite.

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>>722055163
10 outta 10 there turp.

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>>722051963
did a little wank with hand sanitizer once, it burned and my dick started shedding it's skin like a sneky snake.

I stole some ultrasound jelly and I'm going to try that, have any of you tried it?

>>722055416
Yea at least he would have earned the nickname "sparky"

>>722051963
needing some sort of fluid to jerk off. lel americans

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>>722055468
Where the fuck did you get ultrasound jelly?

>>722055704
was on school trip to a community college and when we got to the ultra sound lab I was in the back and I saw these bottles so I just started filling the little goody bag they gave me with them. I've been wiping it on door knobs and putting on seats for the past few weeks.

>i'm 18 so inb4 underage b&

>>722055334
>>722054719
>>722054841
>>722055184
why? you wont get to see them anyway

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>>722056070
Do it. Can't be as bad as tooth paste. Or as bad as turp over there.

Habanero hot sauce.

It felt really good from a light heat on the initial application, but then the fire nation attacked. I had my pants all the way off before I made it to the shower, but the water only made it worse. It felt like my dick skin was being seared right off my body, and touching it with anything hurt like a bitch. It took almost a half hour of showering before the peak pain subsided, butbit still burned for hours afterwards.

Never again, Anon

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>>722056864
>habanero hot sause

>>722051963
Shit. Someone elses shit.

dish soap once, some got inside

never again

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>>722057199

>>722051963
Used to jerk off with icy-hot. If you're like me and only feel through S&M, I'd probably say it's a solid 8/10. Just don't get any on your balls, that's where it starts to get real.

Also jerked off with a packet of ketchup when I was like, 14. I mean, no negative side effects from that one but man was the cleanup weird

Don't use shampoo as anal lube.

It seemed like such a good idea.

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>>722057238
Hey, don't knock it til you've tried it.
It's an acquired taste though.

technically unrelated, but I got a handy from a girl and she used lotion with those tiny scrubbing beads in it(didn't know at the time). Imagine a fleshlight with 40 grit sand paper on the inside and you'll feel what I did

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>>722056864
Dear God you mad man

Icy hot

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>>722057479
did... did you finish?

Ah yes....looks like I'm the only one who has jerked off with after shave. I actually did it a few times without realizing what it was and why my dick was burning afterward. This was in middle school

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>>722051963
never again

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>>722057697
Just from looking at it, I can understand why you even tried in the first place.

Axe body wash, fell asleep right after. My cock shed its skin over a week.

Coconut lotion. Later found out I was allergic to it and my dick swelled up and was itchy as fuck for the next week or so. Made the tip of my dick burn when I pissed and started getting dry and flaky when the swelling stopped.


Was really desperate for lube later down the road and made the same mistake.


Don't circumcise your kids people.

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>>722057657
You bet your ass I did. I didn't want her to feel bad for being that stupid, so I powered through like a champ

>>722051963
Electrical tape
3/10

>>722057675
lmao. Like, gel aftershave or the full blown alcohol-inna-glass-bottle kind?

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>>722056864
But the burn means its working

>>722051963
Nothing wrong with toothpaste. Did that when I was a teenager. Its kinda like getting a mentholated blowjob - pretty awesome. Didn't do it too often though.

>>722057199
Who's shit?

>>722057313
Shampoo sucks to jerk it with too. Conditioner is legit though.

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>>722058005
but how?

>>722057697
God that sounds intense. Did you finish?

I jerked it with menthol conditioner before. Shit was so cash.

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>>722058042
I had really fucking minty super powered tooth paste. Felt like sticking my dick in a camp fire.

Cortisone cream, multiple times. Shit would make my dick burn like hell after.

>>722058042
My toothpaste is cinnamon though

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>>722057697

>>722058223
Wasn't there an American Dad episode about that?

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>>722058108
oh my Jesus finally someone else who understands.

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>>722058310
All the good idea's come from TV.

>>722058149
>put tape on dick
>show friend cuz lol tape on my dick
>fap through the pain
The end

>>722056864
>but then the fire nation attacked
Got a kek outta me

>>722051963
Sunscreen.. sandy gritty fucking sunscreen.

>>722055620
>in MY country, we use smegma buildup as a natural, smelly lube.
Stop posting from your backwards-ass country, you shoeless dirt person.

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>>722058391

>>722058310
Was there? I stumbled upon it rummaging through our cabinets in our bathroom looking for any cream or lotion I could, I was like 15 at the time. Link me the episode if you know what it is.

>>722058505
Dirt person? Is that the nice way to say sand nigger?

>circumcised and needing additional lubrication

Sucks to be you.

>>722058567
Season 2 Episode 2.

>friend in middle school has a massage therapist step mother
>she worked out of home so naturally she had lots of lotions, creams, and oils handy
>he crept into her studio one night and snatched a bottle, went back to his room and got to work
>after awhile he starts to get a little sore and turns on the light
>to his horror his hand is red with blood
>he races to the bathroom and starts washing bloody lotion off his dick
>turns out he grabbed a high strength exfoliant lotion, the kind that's usually applied with gloves
after his dick scabbed up, the scabs tore open anytime he got a boner for the next few weeks
for some reason we called him sandy taco

>>722058646
Slug cock detected.

>>722056864
>but then the fire nation attacked.
Lost so hard.

Chillidick Anon

Leather horse seadle dry humping, while riding around a lake.

>>722058646
I already jerk it multiple times almost daily - can't image how often it would be if I had a natural flashlight made of skin on my dick at all times. Probly the only upside of being cut for me.

>>722058505

Are you really suggesting that your cock is mutilated so you don't need to shower?

>>722058726
Femanon?

Extra virgin olive oil
7/10

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>>722058183
yeah once it mixed with my precum it got more slippery and I shot some ropes and lassos out of my pee hole but it really burned my dick and I had to wash it off and it turned sticky like candle wax

>>722059023
So expensive though

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>>722058673
Was his dick melting? holy shit.

>>722058505
Circumcised American here, kill yourself.

Zam-buk salf. Burnt my dick right off.

Used play dough as a younger

>get pot
>make hole
>fuck hole

4/10

>>722059022
Nope

>>722059216
kek

>>722052695
No, they're unfortunately long pinworms

>>722059238
Did you have your dick out rubbing the saddle or just in your clothes?

>>722058067
I girl back in high school. One day the water went out at the school, and a girl I liked went into the bathroom anyway, must have really had to go. So anyway I sneak in after she leaves, isolate the stall she used( The water only went out minutes earlier, so I knew the only toilet with a shit in it had to be hers), rapidly emptied out the bag my sandwich for lunch was in, scooped het turd out of the toilet( I still remember it, it was dark and solid and kinda crumbly), put it in the bag and high tailed it outta school.
I ran home( I lived across the street from the school, locked myself in my room and took the now mostly cooled off turd and squeezed it in half.
I applied one half to my dick, and fapped with it while licking the other half and finally eating it.
I got extremely sick but it was worth it, best fap I've ever had.

>>722053548
Nice...

>>722059181
>That's the point
Nobody besides Americans and kikes still think it's a good idea to mutilate dicks. The rest of the world is waiting for you here in the 21st century, but most of us have forgotten about you and moved on at this point

>>722055468
Oh please! You giant queen!...ultrasound jelly is usually KY. There are off brands, but still....ur a fag.

>>722058673
holy shit.

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>>722059384
you fucking what???

>>722057904
>respecting a woman's feelings
What are you, some kind of faggot man humper or somethin?

>>722059128
pretty much, exfoliants either abrade or burn off the top layers of skin, in his case it was a chemical or acid exfoliant, i honestly don't recall
probably stank something fierce, nair while not quite the same absolutely reeks once it starts dissolving hair

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>>722059384

Wait? People actually use lube when jerking off?

>>722058562
Feels good man

>>722059023
>extra virgin

>>722059715
Someone gets it

>>722059715
kek

>>722059666
Apparently Satan doesn't use lube. Checked

>>722051963
Shaving cream.
Burnt like hell, but felt so good.

>>722059418
it's safety first when it comes to my dick anon, I'd advise you take the same caution lest thee find thy self in a nunnery.

>>722059666
Apparently. I've never used lube, I tried once with soap in the shower and it was really slippery and after a while it burned so I stopped. Just the action of the skin rubbing should be enough, shouldn't it?

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I wonder what crude oil would feel like... where would I go about getting pure crude oil?

>>722059952
Foam or gel?

>>722058584
Niggers aren't persons

>>722058646
Im circumcised and i use my own precum as lube. Just takes +10mins.

Liquid dial soap. Over the next couple days all of my sick skin peeled off. It was itchy constantly but even worse was being a kid and not knowing if it was permanent. Lived in so much fear for ~2days . Felt like forever

>>722060032
Bar soap right? That shit is rough af to jerk it with. Most gel body washes are kinda nice. I usually go dry but sometimes I mix it up in the shower.

>>722058673
>sandy taco
i kek'ed

>>722060153
Dick skin

>>722060086
Foam

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Worst then the first time I shaved my balls

>>722060153
Ah! I did that.
Didn't scare me though. It was just like a sunburn.

>>722060525
That sounds terrible. What possessed you?

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>scat, puke, filth fetish
>jerk off to it pretty often
>usually catch good webms of it in thread derailments
>one time read replies
>"the people who did this, and the people who jerked off to it are no longer human beings"
>tfw

Am I the only person who just spits in their hand?

>>722059418
Im sure nunnery is britnog for dick clinic.

Super orange pumice degreaser/scrub

>>722061100
Lies and intricacies

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I once dipped my dick into a bottle of listerine

>>722058505
nice meme

>>722060193
Bar soap yes. Never fapped with any lube after, it never seemed worth it.

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>>722051963

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>>722061415

Fapped with some kind of shower gel or shampoo once. It burned when i pissed for a week or two.

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>>722061141

Does anyone else here dip?

>>722058505
>smegma buildup
No, our dicks just work as on demand lube dispensers. Hard to explain.

>>722057697
I just got done fapping with that.
Stop being a pussy.

>>722061415
Moar HD please

Deep heat

>>722059525
Nah he's someone who's had more pussy than you ever will. What are you some neckbeard faggot or something?

>>722051963
Dencorub.

It hurt so good.

My mate once threw a bottle of petrol into a fire. I was there. It sprayed the burning liquid back at him. Burnt his genitals and face pretty bad (he was only wearing bathers). Lost his foreskin and his dick was fucked up. They save it, but it took ages to heal. He showed me it about a week after he got out of hospital. Looked like a fucking cheese sausage. Found out that it got infected so that explains it. Pretty much back to normal now though. He's scared shitless by fire now. When he got burned, I remember giving him a dog bowl full of water to put his face in. He made some weird noises. I thought he might be joking but it turned out he was crying. Still funny though

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>>722059384

>>722055334
FITH OF DAT

>>722051963
a grapefruit. feels nothing like getting head and pussy at the same time.

https://youtu.be/hdHZ5hp45Fc

Quesadilla. No regrets.

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My dads pocket pussy. It was like finding a gold mine cause I was going through puberty and horny as fuck.

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>>722055468
>Ultrasound jelly

Fucking lost

>>722058505
aww poor idiot. you'll never know the feeling of an orgasm caused by the sensitivity of the tip of your penis.
its the part that gets the best feeling but you cut dick get dried out and loses a lot of the feeling

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>mek a hole
>put a dic in it
>move up
>move doun
>mov up
>see a worm on yor pennis
>move down
>move up
>no worm
>dirti pennisi
>yo liv in anonstani
>get aids
>no doktors
>die

anyone tried bengay?

>>722066557
yeah i love being gay

>>722066594

lol

>>722066661
newfag ..learn the lingo

>>722066847

no

>>722060817
Nah, I just did that and swallowed . Not gay fag just something I tried as a kid and sometimes it's easier for cleanup . If I use lube or lotion I cum on a fuck towel

>>722056864
habeneros? fuck i know what jalepenos feels likeand that shit was terrible - quick greentext
>worked as a cook in college
>terrible job but thats in the past
>i still like to cook especially spicy...
>cooked some food with jalapenos, ate it... yummers
>several hours and several handwashings later...
>"might as well reward myself with a nice yank..."
>god help me the jalapeno residue was somehow still on my hands...

>>722057697
burn a lil but I like it lol

>>722060554
Good for hair though. Never thought of jerking off with it but Aussie hair gel is good

Most regular lotions (eg Jergens) tear my dick up. The skin dries and cracks, scabbing over and weeping.

When I was 12, I thought I had genital herpes despite being a virgin. Maybe I caught it in a public bathroom?

Nope. It was jergens.

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>>722053548

>>722059413
American here, uncircumcised and happy. You never have to use lube it's legendary. And showering isn't even a problem I never have a had a smegma problem because I'm not disgusting and I wash myself

i'm cut and never need lube, it doesn't hurt

sour gummy worms

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>>722067889
Also americunt. cut & Married. No kids. Don't need to fap, and when I do,

>lube
>sex lube
>like not a fucking idiot