ITT: Improbable things about yourself that are, in fact, completely

I am a direct descendant of Charlemagne. I also believe that makes me a distant relative of the late Christopher Lee.

>>718079563
I went on two dates with taylor swift in 2014.

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>>718080003

>>718079563

I am a complete dick.

I have slept whit ops mom several times , over the course of a week.

>>718079563
Do you work at Walt Disney World?

>>718080252
Nope, at the time I worked at a hotel in the UK

I'm a demon awaiting to be directed to fulfill the destiny of humankind.

>>718079563
your GF is into cosplay.
nice.

got pics?

>>718080324
Good job, man, good job

>>718080386

>your GF is into cosplay

Being this retarded.

>>718080416
saw more than enough naked ladies in my time

>>718080386
Nope, not my GF. Haven't seen her in person for the best part of 20 years, but we are still facebook friends

>>718079563

I make 40k a month operating a web company creating websites and proving marketing tools.

>>718079563
only extraordinary thing that's ever happened to me was meeting Queen E, and Prince C. the latter actually stopped to speak to me for a few minutes, and shook my hand afterwards.

kind of a surreal experience, actually.

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>>718079563
i cum inside my little sister almost every night.

>>718080772
Bravo.

>>718079563
I wanted to find out if I was straight or bi, so I paid a couple of trannys to fuck me. Found out I was straight halfway through, but didn't want to be rude, so I let them finish.

>>718080567
>Being this retarded.
Actually, it would be a valid assumption.
>bad b8 m8

>>718081094

Jesus, alright I guess I have to explain.

He works at a Disney park you fuck.

>>718080930
which hole?

>>718081255
No, I don't. I WorkED at a hotel in 1997

>>718080641
You took that photo in 1997 is what you're saying?

>>718081437
>>718081486
I also like to lie on the internet

>>718081392
mouth and pussy sometimes.

>>718081522
Its dubs trufe

>>718081627
>pussy
>sometimes

anon, it should be everytime

>>718081486
what? No, I saved that photo from /b/ a couple of years ago

>>718081773
yeah but I don't wanna force her.

You will all be sorry when I get my powers back!

>>718080115
More?

>>718081917
in that case. give her fenugreek for a month or two.

she'll be on top riding every night

>>718081993

Why would I be sorry? I never did anything to you

>>718082290
First volunteer.
GOOD.
good...

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>>718082169
sounds good but wth is fenugreek?

>>718082169
Wait, WTF does fenugreek have to do with that? Asking because I cook with it all the time.

>>718082586
supposedly increases MEN's libido

>>718082673
>>718082586
>>718082673

and in the proper form, makes women's breasts fuller and more sensitive (and horny)....and promotes lactation in women.

google fenugreek lactation anomns

>>718082673
Huh... I'll be damned. I know brazil nuts have an effect on that, for the selenium, but too much is toxic and mimics radiation poisoning. There are a few other things that can affect pheromone production, virility, semen production, etc. but I've never heard of fenugreek. Interesting.

>>718079752
Everyone is a descendant of Charlemagne, sorry to burst your bubble.

>>718082859
so how do i sneak it in her food?
what does it taste like?

My Grandad is a multimillionaire and I have received a letter from his solicitor that he has left me £3 million in his will (all the grandkids have got it).

I only really remember him from when I was a kid, and haven't seen him in over 20 years.

He is 88 now, and a part of me wishes that he'd die. But I feel like shit for thinking that.

>>718083245
It's actually quite bitter, and has a very distinct flavour. It's one of the spices that gives Indian curries their unmistakable taste. So... she like curry?

>>718083415
I've just re-read that and it sounds like that "my uncle abused me and imma inherit his money" steam givaway copypasta.

Fuck it.

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>>718079563

>>718083245
tea, cookies and smoothes, cold soups

become the chef for her snacks, and include it in part of the exercise regime weightloss mixture. (tit growth and milk does burn calories, or put jiggly stuff in the right locations)

also, if you have sexytime, or sway over her toys, get her tit toys or nipple vibes.

>>718083529
>>718083415
call him up and ask for vactation advice seriously. it will get him to open up, and a better chance of "ah yes, my shoggot gun...wait, little Jimmy and I talked about hunitng shogs...He will love it!"

>>718079563
everything about me is very probable

>>718083726

>>718083475
as anon points out, best in something you can mask the flavor in

>>718083726
>get her tit toys or nipple vibes.
i just love fondling and sucking them.

> So... she like curry?
yes. more than i do actually. can make some for us.
>quite bitter
would it work with coffee too?

I've been here for over 10 years, and it still brings me endless entertainment. I love all you guys <3

I fucked my gf, her step sister, and stepmom in the same week. Gf was 9/10, step sister 8/10, stepmom 6/10. Only told 1 person because I know nobody will believe it

I fucked a cutie. One-night stand.
A few years later, I met her again. I insist that I know her, she doesn't remember me. Show her pics of herself in my bed as proof.
It wasn't her but her twin sister.

I've never got drunk.

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>>718084949

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>>718080930
4/10 not even nice ass
posting 10/10 for compare

I once blagged licking Marina Sirtis' feet (Counselor Diana Troi in TNG).

Ive brought a man back to life, and cracked his sternum doing it.

>>718085437
still love to rub against her butt while cuddling.

Had a girlfriend
Dumped her in favor of her little sister
Dumped little sis on favor of her even younger sister

>>718086666
awesome. checked.

>>718079563
Well now you're gonna have to greentext, OP.

File: eJwNykEOhCAMQNG7cACgLS3FyxiiBp2oGMHVZO4-bn7e4n_Nc-9mMGvvVxucm7c21Xu2rdc7l8WWWsu-5GtrdqqHy73naT2WszeHHiklr6gsoPzWoYgoRKZIwEkweQesSAHDCIoQKDEroFDUkTniKyJ5R8XAMYyn_VzF_P7CdSo3.jpg (8KB, 257x300px) Image search: [Google]

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>>718086666

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>>718086666
Story time, Niggas.

I was abducted by aliens a few months ago

>>718087567
You serious? What did they do? How do you know?

>>718082469
do you have some more pics of you sister?

>>718087760
yes do u hav mor

>>718079563
Me and my girlfriend are into public sex.

>>718087327
Not much more to say
First girl was a 6/10, we went out but it wasn't that serious.
I met the second while visiting her home. 7/10 flirty as hell, it was only a matter of days before I cheat on first girl with her.
Turned out she only wanted my dick to make her big sis jealous. Sibling rivalry at its finest.
So because neither girls were serious about relationship, I somehow got closer to the third girl. More serious girl, maybe pitied me a bit for her sisters's behaviour lol. 7/10 went steady with her for 2 years all the while the first and second girl were making passes at me again.

So i finally grew tired of the situation and dumped her too.

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>>718087760
>>718087872
yeah why?

>>718088359
cause horny

>>718088359
Give us the nudes

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>>718086666
Where does it even stop!?!?

>>718083665
Nope, not her

>>718084949

that's hilarious

>>718087567
No, you weren't

I regularaly cheat on my girlfriend and cuck my coworker who is dating my ex, I always nut in her.
I also fuck my ex's friend who is my girlfriends coworker.

>>718079563
Who have the best head, and which ones gave up their ass?

>>718088585
no.

>>718088942
howdare you judge them for all we know they probably spent years working up the couragr to openly speak about their abduction
shame on you!!

>>718089237
then atleast post some more creepshots like the ones on the couch

>>718080930
Nice. I've been fucking my step-sister for almost 3 years now.

>>718089269
No, nobody has been abducted by aliens because we have never been visited by aliens. I have no doubt that we're not alone in the universe, but we're too remote and no-one knows we're here

For something to be proven in a court of law, you require evidence.
Submit evidence.

>>718079563
>>718079752
>>718080003
>>718080657
>>718080772
>>718080930
>>718083415
>>718084601
>>718084949
>>718085484
>>718086666
>>718087567
>>718088236
>>718089075

>>718089427
>aliens exist
>can never detect our radio signals or atomic detonations

>>718089530
No, they can't. We're too fucking far away and even the earliest radio signal hasn't even left the Milky Way yet.

ITT : bunch of liars in their mom's basement

>>718089662
stfu i live in my sister's garage.

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>>718089409
>step-sister
but do you feel a siblingly bond to each other as well?
>>718089372
not creep but so tight.

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I was willfully homeless during my last 5 months of college, spending all day in class, the library, or gym, and sleeping in my hatchback - in a sleeping bag tucked inside a bigger sleeping bag, as temperatures fell below 0F, and sometimes pissing in bottles.

>>718090156
See
>>718089464

>>718089886
nice

>>718089886
We used to when we were younger but once we hit puberty it got different. Ofc we're not related by blood so it's not the same.

>>718089427
>falls for bait

gr8 m8 but 2 l8

>>718090547
kill yourself

>>718089886
nice pubic area mm

>>718090633
emo yourself

>>718079563
Dressing your dog up doesn't count

>>718089886
Moar

>>718090853
:DDD

I met a 8/8 20 year old canadian figure skater on craigslist, two weeks later she got on a plane, flew to mississippi and I spent a week fucking her before she went home.

I'm also related to the late patrick swayze, pretty closely.

>>718080115
Lol k

>>718081013
>ITT: Improbable things about yourself that are, in fact, completely true and provable in a court of law
>Improbable
Fucking faggots are unbelievable. Also, what's your proof?

>>718091309
See
>>718090248

>>718091309
What was his name?

>>718090488
I fucked my step sister a couple times also. Weve been step siblings since we were really young and everything. It was always just casual sex and it was never awkward or anything. Wood dew again

>>718084186
Fuck you nigger

>>718080115
probably just a fluke, but a lot of the moles seem to match what she has. earlobes are right also

>>718091700
Proof or it didn't happen

>>718084962
Why? Also age?

>>718086666
Quads cannot be lies so this actually happened

Stabbed a sleeping hobo to death

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>>718089427

>>718091942
Wish I had it mane. Sorry to disappoint

>>718080657
your company makes 40k a month. how much do you pocket?

>>718092052
The hobo wasn't sleeping in American Psycho. Nice try though 1/10

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>>718079563
>and provable in a court of law
Why the fuck include this? How the fuck am I supposed to prove I got my dick sucked by two bitches while a third watched in a court of law?

>>718090853
Here's the story, as I have to go out

At the end of the 90's, Eurostar started running trains straight from my home town directly to Disneyland Paris (aka Eurodisney)

To celebrate this, a few of the cast members stayed at the hotel I was a night porter at, and they all brought full costumes. In fact, I was entrusted in looking after the full official costumes of Mickey, Minnie, Goofy & Donald, which were in these fucking huge cargo bags which we stashed in the back office.

Anyway, one of the cast members was a girl called Chantel, who was French, but her english was very good. As it happened, they got the dates wrong, and turned up a week early. Instead of going back to Paris, they all decided to stay at the hotel and do fuck all for a week. Disney were paying so they were free to do what they wanted

As I said, I worked nights, and when they;re out of the park, these guys are party animals. I started getting very friendly indeed with Chantel and on the first night I fucked her up against the wall of the restraurant inbetween the breakfast bar and kitchen doors.

I wasn't working that much that week, but I came in anyway just to see her. On one of the nights she was doing a dressing rehearsal, and had the full Minnie costume on, apart from the head. She looked fucking amazing so we banged right there and then, while she was in costume. halfway through she jokingly put the head on and finsihed like that

Now, official Disney contracts for cast members who portray characters state, quite specifucally that when they are in costume, they are the physical and legal embodiment of that character. It was drawn up as a half-joke, but it's actually been used recently whan someone in a Donal costime in Florida hit a kid and the named defendent in the court case was 'Donald Duck'

I later found out that Chantel, being gorgeous and a natural blonde, was also Cinderella and Sleeping Beauty when the call came to be either character. So, I legally fucked Minnie Mouse

>>718092388
tl;dr

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ITT : Sister fucker

Stay classy American as always

>>718092388
Getting busy with Minnie? Now that's a good story to tell.

I've killed over a dozen men.

I have personally handled uranium and yellow cake.

Im a trained sniper

I have called in multiple air strikes

I once had a threesome with two 9/10 girls, one of whom didnt speak English. One was a Mongolian the other a westernized Pakistani.

I have driven a Dodge Viper on the Autobahn.

Met up with a black girl on craigslist
Online she described her self as petite
Meet her in person to find out she is a large whale
I take her to Mcdonalds and tell her I need to go to the rest room
I flee back to my house
Somehow she followed me home
Now there is a blue whale outside my house
I might call the cops
Life lesson don't use craigslist for encounters, jobs or anything

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>>718090974

>>718092857

What the fuck did you just fucking say about me, you little bitch? I’ll have you know I graduated top of my class in the Navy Seals, and I’ve been involved in numerous secret raids on Al-Quaeda, and I have over 300 confirmed kills. I am trained in gorilla warfare and I’m the top sniper in the entire US armed forces. You are nothing to me but just another target. I will wipe you the fuck out with precision the likes of which has never been seen before on this Earth, mark my fucking words. You think you can get away with saying that shit to me over the Internet? Think again, fucker. As we speak I am contacting my secret network of spies across the USA and your IP is being traced right now so you better prepare for the storm, maggot. The storm that wipes out the pathetic little thing you call your life. You’re fucking dead, kid. I can be anywhere, anytime, and I can kill you in over seven hundred ways, and that’s just with my bare hands. Not only am I extensively trained in unarmed combat, but I have access to the entire arsenal of the United States Marine Corps and I will use it to its full extent to wipe your miserable ass off the face of the continent, you little shit. If only you could have known what unholy retribution your little “clever” comment was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have held your fucking tongue. But you couldn’t, you didn’t, and now you’re paying the price, you goddamn idiot. I will shit fury all over you and you will drown in it. You’re fucking dead, kiddo

>>718089530
>thinking a man made atomic explosion is large on the cosmic scale

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>met slut on tinder
>fucked her rawdog
>meet again
>begin relationship
>she has two kids
>start staying over
>wake up to a good morning bj
>from her 8 year old daughter
>while she's telling her daughter how to jerk the shaft as she bobs on my helmet
>jesusfuckwhatisthisadream.tmp
>jump up and run into the bathroom
>confusion, arousal, disgust, fear, excitement, hurricane of emotions
>knock on the bathroom door
>are you ok?
>no
>can we talk?
>begin weirdest conversation of my life
And that's how I met my wife.

>>718079563
I believein a flat earth

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>>718093129

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>>718093129

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>>718093129
What really happened
>You tried ODing with mescaline and tripped hard
>You ended up autofellating in public

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>>718093129
>The stories and information posted here are artistic works of fiction and falsehood.
>Only a fool would take anything posted here as fact.

>>718080641

"...but we are still facebook friends"


Not any more you're not!

>>718092996
So cute

>>718089075
How do you feel about this?

>>718079563
Over 100 strangers once threw a birthday party for me. The rented out a convention center's main hall, got a live band and a huge cake.

>>718079563
I was in 2 different Apple commercials when I was a child in the early 90s. I was paid in a free Mac, QuickTake camera and $15,000 in company stock when it was at it's near all time low. Worth enough now to buy a home.

>>718091944

Checkem

20. Ddint like the taste of beer, wine or whatever I have had.

>>718079752
more than half of all Europeans are a direct descendant of Charlemagne faggot.

>>718092996
FOR THE LOVE OF THE GOD, MOAR PLZ

>>718084170
coffee might work well, though heat may destroy it.

if you gan give her a tit sucking/breastfeeding fetish, you will have struck gold

>>718091700
We've always done it on and off. Right now we're both in college (I'm a sophomore she's a senior) and we only fuck whenever we're on break or in the summer.


In the summer though, Jesus. Sometimes we both take off work and get fucked up and just go at it like rabbits all day. She's moved out so it's easy to do.

>>718082469
It's a spice with compounds in it that mimic estrogen in the human body. When taken in quantity, it helps amp up their sex drive.

>>718089464
>/b/ is a court of law
Sorry faggot. You lose.

>>718091586
Had a real weird last name-Boyton, I think?

>>718079563
Bumping

>>718089886
Keep it up anon. You're doing Gods work.

>>718092521
>sleeping with randoms instead
Why would you do that? What if you don't find anyone?
At least with family members you usually have concrete evidence that people like you are attractive to other people.

>>718089409
I'd love to fuck my step-sister, but she's not into it. She's shown me her tits before, but said she sees me like a brother, which made me want to fuck her even more

>>718079563
I know one of the cinderellas what was here name?

>>718098295
Chantel, see my larger post earlier

>>718092388

bmpp

>>718080930
Tell me how did you get sex with you sister I want with my too

>>718099482
penis in vagina. duh.

>>718099482
hijab off and shes vulnerable
very succeptible to anything after that

>>718093045
You're a Navy SEAL but cannot spell al qaeda correctly? And it's guerrilla warfare dipshit, not gorilla...lol

>>718088893
thought maybe as most have

>>718100398
Its ALGAY DUH faggot! you damn un-amurigan nigger!

>>718098123
It feels so wrong but I fucking love it

>>718095996
how did you start it off?

>>718100837
Your insult made no sense. Fuck off loser.

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>>718101767
Yeah, it made sense, but you need reading comprehension skills past the fourth grade to understand

fuckin faggot

>>718102053

>obvious retard level shit
>"durr cuz u need 2 smart 2 read me huehue"

okay you got me good. damn I cant retalliate..

>>718102053
kek
dumbass

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>>718102405
>>718102673
stay mad autismo

>>718102053
No it didn't. Algay duh. Yes I get that. It didn't make sense because it was lame & didn't pertain to the original post.

Geez you're a moron & obviously a pathetic troll trying to stir up shit with no friends.

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>>718080381

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>>718102956
There you go buddy, let it all out

>>718103115
Using star wars memes to further your argument....virgin detected.

>>718102956
He was being sarcastic. You're losin your mind over a joke.

Imbecile

>>718103457
Really? I had no idea. Please pay mind to your own post. Good grief

>>718103667
You need a drink anon, calm your little sissy feelings down jesus christ

>>718103667
> It didn't make sense because it was lame & didn't pertain to the original post.
>You're a Navy SEAL but cannot spell al qaeda correctly?
>Its ALGAY DUH faggot! you damn un-amurigan nigger!

It's related and you're retarded.

>>718103805
A rebuttal does not imply that anyone is upset. Why r u so sensitive? And involving yourself if you didn't post? Butt out.

Alright...bring it on. Show me how butt hurt you are.

>>718104094
Do you even know what you're talking about? Oh wait, no you don't. The post was in reply to some moron claiming to be a navy seal & ranting against some kid. So the algay duh post did, in fact, not make sense. Why do you care anyway?

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>>718104248
>Why r u so sensitive?

>Your insult made no sense. Fuck off loser.
>Geez you're a moron & obviously a pathetic troll trying to stir up shit with no friends.
>....virgin detected.
>Do you even know what you're talking about?
>Why r u so sensitive?
>Why r u so sensitive?
>Why r u so sensitive?
>Why r u so sensitive?

>>718100398
Stop eating pasta.

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>>718104541
>>718104541
http://knowyourmeme.com/memes/navy-seal-copypasta

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>>718104541

>>718089075
What's it like to be a completely worthless piece of shit?
Someday, someone is going to fuck you up bad Anon. Best of luck.

>>718104248
>Alright...bring it on.
You going to *teleport* behind him and go *full power* just this once?
Fuck off fag

>>718082901
I have ALSO watched House md...

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>>718104541

fuck that man, don't let them talk shit to you. fuck that navy seal.

>>718079563
https://www.iphones.ru/wp-content/uploads/2016/11/IMG_0942.mp4

>>718079563
I'm 6'4, have blonde hair and blue eyes, my penis is 7.4 inches normal hard and 8 inches exactly rock hard with some thigh cock slapping and choking

I'm writing this post from a discreet location underground in the 8th corridor of section Alpha Lima Echo 8 and I have seen some shit

>>718091875
Wrong. The mole on her neck on the left is smaller on tswizzle and her earlobes are a little bigger

>>718092376
All that happened in court?!

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>>718105823

>>718104541
>>718105454
Yeah man that navy seal has been posting here for years, you take him down a peg big guy, we believe in you.

>>718100398
hang around a bit more before opening your mouth

>>718086666
Slightly similar case

Got with ex gf
Year or 2 after started fucking her younger sister
Me and ex broke up and kept it going with the younger sister, she moved away
So I started messing around with one of her best friends and eventually fucking her
I ended up meeting one of her friends and she's my gf now
Funny how things work

>>718100398
Tight b8 lotsa biters kek

>>718106756
0/10 for your unfortunately

>>718106756
Painful samefag

>>718107272
You're supposed to put two so I can screenshot and call you retarded.
>>718107149
>>718107272
Samefag

>>718107509
still 0/10, faggot.

>>718086666
It's scientifically proven that quads are always right, so this have to be true.

>>718107509
Think it was pretty obvious why I was calling you samefag.
And nope, that many people just think you're a raging fag, lurk more and try harder.

>>718107668
damn

>>718079563
Who gave the best head and did any of these princesses give up her ass?