I'm 28, I've hated myself since I was four. There was no clear reason for it, I was just disappointed with the mind and body I am born with. I look at myself every day and it just disgusts me, not just visually but on every conceivable level all I feel is a deep disappointment, I suspect this is what my parents feel as well.
And every year it got worse. When I was a kid I at least got distracted from these feelings occasionally. By now it's a constant.
I've been in therapy, been considered treatment resistant too. They give me pills that either don't do anything, or make me too dull to think at all, I've taken them for years, stopped and only found a slight change coming in the lack of physical symptoms.
I've tripped on shrooms, LSD and MDMA, none of them gave me any helpful insights or came close to solving this depression, the latter only reminding me that people around me need drugs to tolerate me.
By now I'm reasonable enough to know suicide is the wrong way out: I shouldn't risk harming others just because I'm hurting but beyond that I am at a loss.
It seems I'm stuck here, dealing with worsening depression which is making my world smaller and duller by the day.
I'm sorry life is pretty shit feeling OP. And it's a new year, so hey maybe things will turn around. Rooting for you OP. You're pretty strong either way, for what it's worth, for keeping it up and keeping to keep going. Cause you're not doing it selfishly. You're doing it for others. You're a great person OP. Hope it works out over time.
>>717550078 You seem very open to suggestions, which is important during depression.
Diving into eaten philosophies really changed me a lot. learning about the way others view the world and focusing on the interconnectedness of it all.
Next time you get your hands on some LSD, read "Be Here Be Now" while tripping. it's not a 'book' so to speak.. it's impossible to describe.. like a psychedelic picture book for your ego. It changed me permanently within a single night. I've never cried hard and felt such revelations. everyone is different though
until then, take up Mindfulness as a hobby. use the awesome internet to learn these ways
>>717550403 Thanks, for what it's worth I appreciate the compassion. I wouldn't say I'm strong, in some cases I find those who manage to kill themselves stronger than me.
I'm pretty average/substandard, but thanks for the compliment anyway, you're nice.
>>717550415 At the moment I feel like I've been as closed off as it's possible to be, at times I wonder if I even should be helped, or if I just deserve to feel this way.
I've been deep into Eastern philosophy and you're right that it helps in a lot of ways. For me it taught me to stop blaming others for what I considered slights against me, and it helped me to at least try and accept negative emotions instead of resenting them and demanding my life feel good all the time. I just wish it felt good a little more than it does is all.
>>717550491 I've stood on the chair a couple of times, rope around my neck but I pussied out too. I couldn't bring myself to actually do it because I'm a coward.
If I could get a gun I probably would've been where you're at, but I'm not sure if it would've made me feel much better. Besides, I barely have money. I live on disabilitybux, I'm unemployable, lowly educated and have been assured minimum-wage lower class is all I can aspire to. I do not have the stomach to become a criminal, I hate hurting people.
I can relate OP, in fact that is exactly what I would write.
Every day of being alive against your will, just to do as little damage to others as possible. And while I'm not trying to throw it back in anyone's face... I have been told countless times to meditate or read a given book, or that its not permanent etc. But the fact is some people just live in hell. All their life.
Books wont help me get food when I have eaten 2 slices of bread in 3 days. That's before you even get close to resolving any real causes
I dunno I'm babbling, let me gather some coherent thoughts for a second
>>717550078 Actually there is. Those of us who have realized how to overcome it and leave it in the past get it. We just get it. You don't. You need to treat your physical body better in order for your mental body to catch up. You need to exercise your brain, as well as your lungs and heart. Practice a new art form. Learn an instrument, eat better, act smarter, put a method to your madness. Learn a martial art, you're living with no sense of purpose. You need to find a purpose because everyone can have one regardless of what it is, whether you want to be the best shoe shiner or the best dick surgeon. Start living like you have a purpose and you'll be happier. Also sleep more, staying up till 4am posting about being depressed on 4chan isn't helping anyone.
>>717551209 Too be fair, it's 11AM for me. I'm a eurofag.
I used to have a good body, lean, muscular, but that just faded away into nothing between ages 22 to now.
How could I learn any sort of artform now at 28 and not be a complete emberrasment? Anyone good at anything started in their teens, there are no worthwhile musicians even in my social circle that started anything past 17. Although the dream is wonderful, I missed the boat to do anything in art, music or physical expression. I just failed.
I can't act smart, average at best, I'm very dull witted.
Thanks for your advice, I mean it, but a lot of it is lost on me I'm afraid.
dude i have some problem as u do... I hate my life, thinking about all of this is just pointless. We havent got a purpose in our life. Every person think they are special but unfortunetly they arent. All of us born, then grow up, then we getting older and we simply die. All of us die. Do you think 150, 300, 500, 1000 years ago people like me and you didnt think same way? They ofcourse did, and nowadays does it matter? Nah its dont. And in the future about 100, 200 , 500 , 1000 years we all be forgotten. Our problems will disseapeaer. Fuck this, fuck our life, fuck universe, just be happy, enjoy your life while we got it:) Sorry for spelling, wrote it very fast
Talk to a therapist, anon. They really can help. Helped me through some really tough shit, similar to you. I have many friends who got help this way as well and are doing much better now.
>>717551574 You don't need to be the best. Do something you enjoy and find meaning in. If you want to do something in art/music/etc., then start doing it, or find some place to learn if you want. It's never, NEVER too late. You did not fail.
>>717551682 Then don't get out of bed and see if you can starve to death, if you can't you obviously have some willpower and survival instincts.
That's your problem, we are not entitled to anything in life, we must take what we want.
My opinion: Start filling your life with things that are fun like; Music, play instruments, try them all at music stores, talk to the folks, maybe make a few friends in the process; Date women/men whatever, try it all, have fun learning about other peoples massive life experiences and whatnot to help you stay away from being so goddamn self-centered.
>>717552159 >717552159 Ayahuasca is the shit, then again drugs only amplify or supress what we already possess so in OP's case I would avoid drugs until he feels good and genuinly wants to explore his mind more.
>>717551992 I know self pity isn't pretty, it's the mood I'm in now, mainly.
I'm by far not saying everyone else got their shit together without effort. Everyone works hard and everyone wants to die every day. The reason I complain about it is because I am weak, they are strong.
Point is just, as much as my parents taught me as a kid, if you're not in the upper reaches of a skill or a very fast learner, it's arrogant and insulting for every single person around you to flaunt that lack of skill. Only the good should work their skills, the rest are just inherently worthless until they find a thing to excel at.
>>717552211 The problem is that taking what you want often inconveiniences others.
Take playing music for instance. I do not have a sound proof room, nor does my house allow me to sound proof anything. If I practise an instrument I will not be good at it, which means others passing by my door would have to suffer hearing it. How do I have tue right to do so just for my own sake?
Same with dating: I've only touched, kissed and fucked a single girl in my life, been with her for eight years until she broke up, stating I've ruined eight years of her life. How can I justify trying to date other people when I know I'm toxic to be around?
That's one of the major problems, it's more important I don't hurt others, in any measure, than to be happy.
>>717550078 Hey OP. I'm sorry to hear of your troubles. I feel your pain, and have been up and down with depression for years now. For me, when I'm eating well and doing practices that clear my mind (yoga, meditation for me, bout could be playing an instrument, making art, marking anything) I function well. When I don't, I don't. That's not to say they are magic bullets, as I still get the swings, but they are far less dramatic and easier to spot and control. As for your experiments with lsd, shrooms and x, how have you been using them? In a ceremonial way, setting an intention for your journey, or just 'tripping'? I did 10g dried cubensis on my own, performed my own ceremony, with an intention of healing, and had an incredible experience that connected me to nature and humanity, made me feel a part of things and really helped. I've also done ayahuasca, which was even more revelatory and powerful. I would recommend both as tools. From looking at other's experiences with lsd and mdma, it seems they can both be used in similar ways. High (heroic) doses, setting and intention are the key, thus side-lining your body and conscious mind and letting the understanding and healing flow. Glad to hear you don't want to kill yourself, even if it is only, for the time being, as you're aware of what it would do to those who love you. Peace and love to you anon.
>>717550078 Anon i can tell you there is. I've tried to kill myself 3 times now and i luckily failed each time. I'm sorry to hear to diverted to drug abuse but here's my suggestion. Step one. Rehab. No more drugs. In some countries, if you go into rehab you cant go to jail for taking drugs. I would do research on it though. Step 2. Face your family (if you have one). To come face to face with your parents is the next step to starting a new life. Step 3. Speak to a psychologist. Tell him/her your problems, try and find out what is wrong, what's making you feel this way, what the host of the depression is. In some countries, there will be community psychologists that don't charge visits. The next step is up to you buddy. Hope i helped.
>>717552773 >The problem is that taking what you want often inconveiniences others.
You can plug a guitar into headphones or muffle blowing instruments or low volume on piano/synth. No real excuses there.
Everyone is toxic to someone at some point in their life, that's just life, if you want a relationship you need to get over it and do better the next time and the next time until it works. PERSISTENCE.
People always hurt other people, as long as it is not your intent to get a Tuba to deafen your neighboors they will simply have to accept a bit of melodies from the other door if it's a particularly loud instrument.
I play the guitar and the piano and no neighboor has ever complained to me about the noise.
>>717552728 Compared to how I live at the moment, literally everyone works hard. I don't excersize a minute a month, can't bring myself to do it. I lie in bed until I know time runs out to buy food and beer, then I drag myself to the store, get some asap, fall down on my couch and drink and smoke until I nearly pass out, then drag myself to bed, repeat ad infinitum. I used to do more but the willpower just left me.
There's nothing I enjoy anymore, I can't even play games anymore, by the time I booted one up I lost the will to play it, even when powering through I feel nothing but disappointment whenever I fuck up, it's not worth it anymore.
>>717551451 that's bs life is shaped by the people around you, i'e if your small i can bet that theirs one asshole that was in you school that had to bully you, no matter how much you keep yourself out of the picture, then theirs brain power, if you are starved of oxygen when your born, your always going to be a thick cunt, no matter how hard you try . combine the two together and you have major problems. then lets say your half -caste in an all white school .........................................................................
You need to look at life on Earth for what it is. It is a pointless, incredible miracle. There are other species out in the universe dealing with this shit too. We get so caught up here worrying about stupid shit like how attractive we are and forget that it doesn't actually matter. There is a career path for you and a mate for you but you need to put in the work to find them. You can not sit around and expect other people to take your Reigns and fix your feelings. You and you alone can grab yourself by the balls and quit being a sad sack of crap. Wake up every morning and do cardio, bathe and put clothes on. From that point it's time to experience all we have here because we don't have much time. Do your part for society by working and paying taxes and then start finding yourself some dates online. Don't be intimidated by women. They aren't scary and they feed off your confidence like little leeches. I have been to the bottomless pit of depression and fought my way back out. I was the only person who could help myself and it will be the same for you. The mind is all powerful.
>>717553266 Point is, no one else misses me if I don't put myself out there. If I do put myself out there I will inevitably disgust a lot of people and probably insult then by having the nuts to even look their way. I'd be hurting a lot of feelings just for my own selfish benefits. How does being like that not make me someone who deserves to get shot?
And instruments, true, you can practise them silently. It just fills me with fucking fear to even try. Everyone in my family is musically gifted (except me somehow) and plays an instrument. Being bad at music truly makes me feel I shouldn't have been born, it's hard to deal with.
End of the matter, I'm deficient and anything I do reminds me of that fact.
>>717553371 Well forget about what everyone else is doing.
You obviously have the willpower to: > Travel to store > Buy stuff > Get intoxicated for whatever misplaced reason > Sleep repeat
You are obviously strong enough to debate shit like this for hours online.
You don't lack shit, you are simply lazy and I think that's what is bothering you, other people can be lazy to but you actively chose to be that way 24/7 and blame it on something else, take responsibility dude.
You obviously haven't fucked up our connection that keeps this conversation going, that's a relationship ongoing mind you.
>>717551008 Stars writing. Just pour your heart out, anywhere, i'm convinced you must have felt a sort of relief from writing that first message, keep on doing that with discipline, self teaching are important because they structure the mind. You seem like an intelligent fellow, drive your ingenuity somewhere I'm 28 as well, been fuckin depressed but 5 years ago i took up sculpture, it's not easy but it saved my life.
>>717550078 I just have lots of sex. And when I mean lots of sex, I mean LOTS of sex. 3-4 hours daily. I'm usually so physically exhausted, but also juiced, that my days go by pretty uneventful, I don't even remember much of my life for the past couple years. Scored a rich sugar momma in her early 30's and paid for all my comfort with obscene amounts of sex, it was win/win for me, since I figured I could make use of sex to counter my deep depression and managed to sustain myself at the same time.
Honestly, don't know how long it'll last, but while it does I'll just spend my days in a daze and worry about it when I get there.
>>717554028 Well the only reason I am still talking to you is because of that you remind me of myself in my teens, some depression wave struck the gut out of me and made every obstacle feel like a riptide.
Get this: You exist because you are alive. You are alive because you exist.
What you should FOREMOST care about is yourself.
Because you only have yourself, the only thing you can certainly know is yourself.
In order to love others and function with others you must first know and function with yourself.
Start by caring about your own interests and don't even dare think about what some other person thinks about it, it is UNIMPORTANT.
Just joined this thread but been in a similar place. If you're embarrassed about your activities just keep them to yourself. I started with yoga dvds because I could do them at home by myself, I'd only do them when parents weren't home because I was embarrassed but I really enjoyed them. After months I moved onto other things and then got into gym classes, just try everything and see what sticks, if money is an issue there's plenty of cheap exercise you can do, youtube, etc.
I do creative stuff too when I get the time, play guitar, write a little, I'm not great at anything but I keep it to myself and I'm slowly getting better so that keeps me happy.
Buy yea, as the other guy said, good food and exercise are important, sleep fell into place for me once I sorted those two out. And of course nobody will be exactly the same as you but start trying to go in the direction you want to go and slowly you'll figure out how to get there.
>>717553968 >ad sack of crap. Wake up every morning and do cardio, bathe and put clothes on. From that point it's time to experience all we have here because we don't have much time. Do your part for society by working and paying taxes and then start finding yourself some dates online. Don't be intimid
I've been depressed for a good 12 years now it went from discust and animosity directed at my self to hating the world and blaming the people around me.
Now I'm stuck in a combination of both I can no longer blame other for my problems because I've realised nobody is at fault but me. But I still can't help being disappointed with what is reality and life it self.
I can't end it because of my parents and loved ones, but also can't seek help because I'll feel like an even bigger burden to my family.
Weed kinda kills that physical effect of being depressed ( that feeling that some really obese man is sitting on your chest 24/7)
>>717550078 24-year-old here, depression since I was about 11 and now diagnosed bipolar with the occasional psychosis when I haven't been monitoring my routines. Anorexia between ages 14 and 18.
Like you, I've also looked a lot into eastern thinking. Mainly zen buddhism, which has helped me immensely. I used to take a lot of drugs, been drinking a lot of alcohol and one night stands way too often. They don't help much.
Currently, I'm not doing too bad. There are still the ups and downs caused by being bipolar, but I've kind of learned to accept it and at the same time accept other people's problems or lack thereof.
For me, I believe the main reason which drives me through the day, is always having a glorified back-up plan. In my case, this is becoming a zen buddhist monk. I have already been in contact with some monasteries or temples, which all makes it feel like a possible reality. No matter how much I fuck up, I could just go enjoy life as a monk.
If you, I believe, first manage to break free from all the constraints made by others in society and see things clearer you might find something worthwhile. As cliche as that might sound. Today I still hate myself, my body, the way my brain works in certain situations, my family, most of society but I've turned to things I love. Such as the wind brushing against my face, the way flowers smell, seeing the world come alive at 6 in the morning, doing architecture and laying on the beach listening to the waves.
Routines are a good start. Make a schedule, keep to it. Wake up at 6, have specific times for eating, exercise, meditation and whatever else might be important to you.
There's something interesting out there which will make you love yourself and the world.
>>717550078 Op im sorry you feel this way. But know you are not alone. I have had ups and many downs in life. I am 39 now and i still have my bad days and good days. Honestly it's been mostly bad the last few days. Im not sure what to do anymore. Meditation helps. Hot showers beer do the trick for me (i know it sounds weird) sometimes. What do you believe as far as god is concerned? I mean what do you think the meaning of life is?
>>717550078 Welcome to life. Deal with it, motherfucker. I'm you, fifteen years into the future. It doesn't get any better. It doesn't improve. Improve your day-to--day existence by earning more money and making your life easier financially. Give up on relationships - they won't work ... ever. Take care of your family but keep your distance from folk - they don't want to be around a depressed person and will burn out, unless you sabotage the friendship first. If you're like me, you always do. Do well at work. Cultivate a hobby, educate yourself constantly. Give to charity and be polite. Daydream. That's it. Quiet moments alone are the best you're gonna get. Dress well for your body type, bathe and keep up on hygiene. Exist. Exist and look for new interests, it'll be over in 50/60 years. No worries.
Oh, and forget about "making an impact, muh" no one does, ever. Life is really trivial and meaningless in a cosmic scheme. Eat your cheetos, fap and breathe easy.
>>717557806 I agree somewhat and i used to be an atheist too until i started studying physics (im not trying to pretend that im something special. Im prob a dumbass tbh.) But as i looked deeper into how particles act lead me to believe that we live in some type of simulation. Somehow we control the environment around us but so far i haven't completly figured it out. What i do know is that when im studying thesimulation theory it makes me happier for some reason.
>>717550078 From such a young age it must be your parents.
Move far away from them and go no contact for a while, or very minimal contact - email only, no voice, no visits.
Then start doing things that you like or are interested in. Become good at them, do them every day if possible.
Study hard, work hard, play hard. Find ways to challenge yourself.
Eat healthily, exercise, have plenty of sunlight.
Move somewhere warm and sunny, it will help a lot.
Go travelling if you have savings, tropical places and in nature. Face your fears and repeat to yourself positive ideas, push out any negative thoughts that come to mind and replace them with a positive one.
If things don't improve after some months in a sunny place away from your parents, go to a doctor, ask to have a blood test for a full hormone panel, find your testosterone levels and serotonin, cortisol, and so on. See an endocrinologist if the results aren't normal.
>>717550078 32 here. The only way I've been able to take it is to always have the suicide option. I say to myself, if this gets worse I can always kill myself. Haven't tried haven't even been that close but in my case it helps to overcome my fear of rejection/failure. And I am somewhat accomplished. If therapy isn't an option, (it's real fucking expensive here), get some medication. It won't cure you but it will numb your pain, you may have to try several types before you find something that works (paxil here). Oh yeah and stop doing drugs, been there, the highs isn't worth the lows in the long run.
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