Stupid things you did as a kid thread. I'll start: >be

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This thread is lonely

>>715043165

>be me
>with a friend of my childhood
>lets be alchemist
>go to grandma's cleaning armoire
>grab a bucket
>start to mix everything we see
>we're making a magic potion!
>Grab a bottle of what years later discovered it was ammonia
>put a lot in the bucket
>Grab a bottle of bleach
>then grandma enters
>see the bleach
>see the ammonia
>freaks out and slap the shit out of my butt and my friends butt

God bless that woman

>be me ~10
>at pool
>I want to make a prank
>put 10 dollars (a lot to me) on the ground
>get friends to come around
>wait until one of them sees it
>he does
>picks it up
>I say, "hahaha, that's my 10 dollars, I was just pranking you."
>doesnt believe me
>I get upset
>counselor from camp comes around and takes the 10 dollars
>mom eventually comes
>recognizes the 10 dollars as ours because of a mark on it
>get my money back

> be like 4th or 5th grade
>semi friends b day sleep over
>super anticlimactic
>parents get him some law and order DNA tester Bullshit toy
>everyone's asleep or so I thought
>piss in one of the DNA test tubes and replace it
>test that bitch
>some kid wasn't quite asleep and sees me doit
>never invited back
>many lulz when I was confronted about it

>be 13
>experimenting with anal play
>tired of sticking my fingers in there
>take electric tooth brush
>put bristle end inside as deep as I can get it
>turn it on
>hurts really fucking bad, but leave it in anyway for maybe 15 seconds
>still hurting, not feeling good
>pull it out
>blood fucking everywhere, so much fucking blood, literally running down my leg
>freak out and put toothbrush back in holder after washing it off
>try to ignore it and act like nothing happened
>blood soaking through the butt of my pants
>mom sees it and freaks out
>nervous as fuck, can't talk, to embarrassed to say what I did
>she assumed I got raped on my way home from school
>don't deny it
>have to go to therapy and counseling for years
>never came clean that I did it to myself
>now everyone in my family is super careful around me when we get together for dinners and stuff not to mention rape because it's a "trigger word" that might make me spiral or something

>>715046689
what

>>715046689
Forgot to mention, I have an 11 year old cousin who I played video games with when the family gets together, one time his mom, him, and I were sitting on the couch playing some old gamecube game, I think it was called freedom fighters, and he killed me and yelled "haha get raped faggot" and his mom literally punched him in the face

>>715046689
Wtf anon, thats even worse than admiting what you've done

>>715046937
Holy shit, that one got me

Put fish oil into my dad's cologne because it looked low.

>top kek

>>715046689
Ohmyfucking KEK

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>>715046689
>MFW you never came clean

>be 9
>enjoy watching rescue heroes
>tie rope to suspended club house and around my waist
>scream "rescue heroes" and jump off
>ohfuckcantbreathe.jpg
>almost hang myself

>>715046986
How? you realize how much more fucked I'd be if after going to the hospital and having therapy paid for if I came clean about it?

>>715046689
If there is ever a story that qualifies as "everything turned out better than expected", this is the one!

>Be 5 or 6
>always used to run around in the house in my underwear and shirt even with friends over
>always used to play with myself for some reason in front of my friends
>Would just sit there sometimes one minute playing with Legos or some shit then the next minute jerking off essentially in front of everyone

No one ever questioned it

>>715047786
There's no questioning why someone's autistic, they just are.

>>715047786
I used to do this too. my family blamed it on my cousins molesting me cause they had molested my brother.

>>715047353
Fuck I don't know why I'm laughing so hard

>>715048294
Were you molested though anon?

>>715048569
I don't know to this day, it doesn't really bother me, though. I like what rick said about stuff like this "the answer is; don't think about it"

>>715044992
>>715045677
>>715046053
>>715046689
>>715047353
Didn't happen.

>>715046689
what the fuck

>>715049233
fuck off

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>>715043165
similar story
>be 6
>alone a lot
>have pic related
>get brilliant idea to take pictures of dick
>full blown photo-shoot myself with wacky poses
>one pic oddly similar to the filthy frank pose where he aims the guns under his legs
>think they're fucking hilarious and deserve recognition
>show one to my mom
>absolutelydisgusting.jpg
>she takes and destroys the pic i brought her and scolds me
>says not to do it again
>oh shit, i still have all the other pictures
>can't show her now, i'll get fucking timeout or something
>panic and cram them into one of those air vent grates on the floor behind the couch
>fast forward years later
>move far away from that house and totally forgot about that shit

they're still fucking out there somewhere, /b/.

>>715049003
Well I can only leave it to guessing then but nice tie in you made there

>>715049512
kek

>>715049458
Mad cause I called you out on your bullshit?

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>>715046689
You are lucky you didnt die and thats not even the worst part of this story.

>be 11
>discover the vast world of porn
>think its cool beat my meat all the time
>hear adults talk about "child porn"
>think wouldnt it be cool if I could see people my age fucking
>mfw i literally google "child porn"

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>>715050135
>mfw no investigation of your PC

Used to believe I could glide by spreading my jacket like an airplane
>be me
>swinging (reasonably) high for a 7 year old
>remember the gliders and how they seemed cool to ride
>Idea comes to use jacket as wings
>put hands in pockets and jump while spreading arms
>didn't work for shit
>landed on another kid and sprained my ankle
>suspended for injuring another kid
>don't believe me when I say it was accident

>be me 10
>used to stop over best mates house and we discovered porn
>used to rub our dicks but not touch eachothers
>had no idea how gay it was until a few years later
>no one ever knew but us 2
>absolutely hate eachother and haven't spoken in years
>he turned out to be gay this year and still never told anyone

>>715051370
Sounds like missed opportunity to me.

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>be me
>be in like thir grade
>have a classmate that broke his foot
>be sitting in empty class with him keeping him company cause he cannot leave class because his a little bitch and is afraid to get hurt even more
>sudenly he tells me that my penis has a sweet taste
>wtfnigga.png
>he puts dick out and licks his own dick
>wtfnigga.jpg
>he tells me to try
>i try on my dick
>hes right it is sweet
>he tells me to lick his
>wtfnigga.gif
>stupid dumb fuck that i am i do it
>the he asks if he can try on mine
>wtfnigga.webm
>i say yes like a little bitch
>he licks mine
>feels strange
>meenwhile we ear someone coming closer to our classroom
>it's the fucking teacher
>we pull our pants lighning speed
>she didn't saw anything
>mfw hes last name was hammad
>mfw the first dick i ever licked was from a muslim sand nigger
>mfw the first person that ever licked my dick was a sand nigger

i am now 20 y.o and have a gf am i gay?

>>715051564
No, you are kek

>>715051370
Ita pretty common for boys to masturbate together and grow up straight. Your friend growing up gay is the exception not the rule.

>>715045677
Lost

>be 13
>go on 4chan
>10 years ltr
>im still here

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>be 13 and youngest in family
>older brother just left for basic training so I sneak into his room and play xbox without anyone knowing
>play fallout 3
>everything is pretty cool, and then I saw him
>deputy weld, the robot outside of megaton
>coolest robot I've ever seen
>as I play I meet more protectrons and I spend hours just watching them patrol the metro stations
>it's then that I realize I was born to be a protectron...
>I grab my dad's laser pointer and walk around our basement for hours on end, just patrolling and checking for metro tickets
>one day I go into the basement in protectron mode when I hear something
>mytimehascome.jpg
>I ready my laser weapon and walk down the stairs
>my sister is with her boyfriend and he panics at seeing me, pulling up his pants as fast as he can
>"tickets please" I say robotically
>"GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE, ANON!" my sister screams
>"threat level omega. use of deadly force authorized."
>I take aim
>I shine the laser pointer at her face, scoring a critical hit, and she disintegrates into an ashpile
>her boyfriend screams in horror

mfw

>>715043165
>>>715049458
>Mad cause I called you out on your bullshit?
Autist or can you not recognize shitposting.

>>715052892
Story of my life

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>Be me
>7 or 8
>mom takes away xbox for 2 days because of something i did
>Genuine anger.jpg
>Have bunk bed
>Ultimate reveng plan is brewing
>Take my bath robe
>tie simple knot on both ends
>somehow the robe knots work and dont drop me
>owfuck.jpg
>put feet on ledge and untie knot
>never tell parents about it
>now pass wisdom of how autistic sucicide is through school

>Be me in 5th grade
>Everyone is doing their presentations on Missions (do they do that outside California?)
>Super feminine gay guy presenting
>Need to yawn
>At this point in my life I didn't think it was considered rude to audibly yawn
>Let out the biggest yawn during presentation
>Everyone stops and looks at me
>Teacher is pissed and sends me outside
>Realize there is virtually no way to justify what I did
>I just take the blame and move on
>Only I know of my innocense

>>715050135
I always wanted porn of people my age too when i first discovered it, at like 10
>mfw i found a video titled something like "13 year old brother has sex with his sister"
Was really shit quality, no sound i think, the people in the video looked really small and young, and it looked like it was somewhere in middle-east. Not sure if it really was cp but i must have done some hard digging to find it through google

>>715046689
What the fuck

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>be me
>Approximately 9:02 EST
>See's thread
>looks gay but Ill post anyways
>read everyones bullshit story
>Go to my mom
>pull my dick out
>blow about 1.6 tons of cum all over her dress
>dad pulls out cock and beats off to my brother and dog fucking
>I shit myself
>Everyone is silent and stopped doing what they were doing
>I get kicked out

>>715050617
they dont bust down your door if you search cp.Plus it was a long time ago they probaly werent cracking down on it as hard

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>be 8
>uncle's ex wife is a filipino lady with kids
>invites us over for dinner
>dinner consists of dericious crab legs and other flip shit
>time for my family to leave and say goodbye
>completely ignorant at my young age, I decide to bow to her and her kids when I saw goodbye
>pic related is my family's face when they attempted to cover up my actions

>>715054743
wtf was the problem? bowing is a sign of resperct

>>715046053
Similar.

>at friend of friend's sleep over party
>his dog had just had puppies
>everyone leaves for cake
>completely miss the call for cake because puppies
>now alone in room with puppies
>severe cute aggression enrages my autistic mind
>hold one up by the tail
>choke one
>want to kill one but don't
>someone was watching through the closet
>never invited back
>still deny all rumors
What the faggot was doing in the closet, I have no idea. Probably jacking it to someone at the party, he came out after high school. Everyone knew he was gay back then anyways.

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>>715054743
worst story of the thread award goes to...

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>>715046689
>electric tooth brush
>>715047201
Hey at least his ass did

>>715054743
>When you start watching anime early
Nothing wrong with this. Maybe your parents are the dumb ones here.

>>715052790
This isn't a fucking ylyl retard

>>715047353
This got me! My nig! Kek!

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Jesus! someone screen cap this! my fucking sides!
>>715046689

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>>715052963
10/10 kek just for being a fallout story

>>715049512
Whats the address! We need to send them a treasure map!

>>715046937
>and his mom literally punched him in the face
i'd kill to have been there to see the look on your face then

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>>715053846
same here anon
i didn't google child porn though i just searched young teen on motherless back in its heyday

>>715046689
Oh my fucking God Anon you are my hero!

>>715052963
saved for future generations

>>715050135
Porn for children. Da fuq?

>be around 8
>start doing pull ups on climbing frame in garden
>for no apparent reason, have an orgasm
first orgasm. only noticed it actually was an orgasm when years later I fapped for the first time and recognized the feeling.

i still do pull ups

>>715046689
>she assumed I got raped on my way home from school
mysides.jpeg

> Be me
> Beta 17 year-old
> Decide to try acid, know a guy
> Hooks me up, go home
> Close door and blinds to my room
> Time to -blam!-ing party
> Lying on bed waiting for it to kick in
> Ohgawdhereitis.jpg
> Nothing looks right
> Decide to pay a game to see what it's like
> Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess
> Get hungry after 10 minutes
> Try to leave, door wont open
> Grab key and unlock door, still required a lot of effort
> Go downstairs
> See parents on couch
> Act cool
> Initiate"Howareyoudoing?".png
> They leave after a while, success
> Make some Nutella toast
> Tastes like shit
> Sudden urge to unleash the airlock in my bowels
> Barely make it to the toilet before decompression
> Feels good mang
> Tired, grab blanket and rack out
> Wake up screaming
> To tired to comprehend nightmare
> Back to sleep
> Wake up in hospital
>MFW

What happened according to my parents.

> Got out of bed and threw Zelda game at the wall
> Hopped around infront of my TV swinging a spoon like a Wii remote
> After an hour I shoved the spoon in the lock and threw myself against the door until the doorknob and my shoulder broke
> Successfully navigated the stairs
> Made a variety of facial expression at my family and repeated the phrase "Are you?" over-and-over until they left.
> Went to kitchen spread Nutella on my bare hand and bit a chunk of it off
> Blood trail to sister's room where I sat on her chair and took a huge dump
> Fell asleep wrapped up in a rug on the floor, where my sister found me ten minutes later

Parents couldnt look at me for a month, sister wont talk to me

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>>715057631
Good copy myman.

>>715046937
Right then, you should have said, "Haha, joke's on you, faggot! I only jammed a toothbrush into my ass!"

>>715043165

>be me like 5 year old
>be at cousins house for 4th of July
>mmmm burgers n shit
>in treehouse with cousins playing uno and other games
>i say "hey lets bring your dog up here" to one of my cousins
>oklolwhatever
>bring dog up and tie its leash up to a post in the treehouse
>"kids time to eat"
>mmmmmm fuckyes
>come back an hour later to treehouse
>fucking dog jumped off the side and hung itself
>almost feel bad but thought it was funny
>get yelled at for laughing
>they had a legit funeral for the dog too

That was the first time i heard my dad curs. I still think it was funny. RIP Ollie.

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>>715056622
Had to include the second part.

>>715058382
kek'd

>be me like 6
>get molested by dad constantly
>believed me and dad were married
>at school during recess.
>get horny
>go to closest friend
>tell friend hey wanna see my Boner?
>friend smiles really big.
>we go to bathroom and make sure none in the there.
>I show him my boner and he starts sucking it.
>WTF. Pngifem
>tell him to turn aroud
>I thought if he knows that he might know this too.
>leans him over sink
>just then the janitor opens the door and yells
>get on the floor everybody walks the dinosaur.

>>715055235
You really are autistic. Kill yourself

>be me
>be 23
>at family party
>meet hot cousin
>howyoudoin.jpg
>shes into it
>we go to a secluded part of their house
>we started making out
>and she took off my pants
>but then I turned on the TV
>and thats about the time she walked away from me
>nobody likes you when you're 23

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>>715046689
OMFGGGGGGG

>>715058956
You first, faggot

>>715059184
Fuck you anon act your fucking age

>>715055235
He's not in the wrong here you raging autist. my god how fucking gay are you, i can just imagine your fat retarded ass choking a puppy whilst you slobber all over your dirty sweatpants and angry birds t shirt. Fuck, i hate retards like you with a passion.

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>>715058744
thanks daddy

>>715046937
Holy Christ anon....I can't stop fucking keking...my wife doesn't habeeb you but I want to Habeeb...I want to habeeb.

>>715055007
...in Japan.

>>715043165
holy shit you must be a high level functioning autist. how do you manage to navigate your web browser so well

>be 6
>in the bathroom taking a leak
>I see a pile of magazines
>one was a playboy magazine
>didn't know what playboy was
>grabbed the porn and showed my mom
>my family was really religious
>So my mom was mortified
>She yells at my dad about it
>dad denies everything
>says that it was my brother's
>brother denies everything as well
>say that if you see read this line your mother will die in her sleep
>suddenly my mom collapses
>starts having a seizure
>dad calls 911
>paramedics said that she died.
>tfw this whole incident could of been prevented.
>if I didn't read that line

>>715059814
oh fuck you, stick to the ylyl you autist

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>be 5 or 6
>was and still am a distance pisser
>parents wanna save water so have me and my brother shower together
>prettyfuckinggay.jpg
>me and my brother make eye contact
>too long on my opinion
>"Hey wanna see a cool trick?" "Sure, anon"
>fucking start peeing on my brother
>laughter.jpg
>screams.jpg
>I am laughing maniacally, my brother crying while warm yellow piss lands on him
>mouth is open, eventually pee lands in his mouth
>vomit.jpg
>my parents never had us shower ever again

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>Be me
11 years old
>just discovered fapping
>Over bearing parents make me sleep with door open
>In shower
primalurges.jpg
>clasp both hands around my limp penis and begin maneuvering them like a kamakazi pilot
Not working

>thinking hard
idea
>Penis is round
>shampoo bottle is round at the opening
>I take the cap off of the shampoo bottle
>shove my boy-shaft inside of it
OHYES.jpeg
>I begin thrusting like a fucking piston
>knock on the door
"Anon? You've been in there long enough, get out of the shower, now."
ohfuck.jpg
>try to pull it out
>it's too hard, it's stuck
>begin pulling on it to get it off, won't work
I pull my fucking hardest
>slip and fall
>shower rod came down with me, shower curtains would offer no help this day
Parents barge in
"What the he... WHAT THE HELL!"
>mfw my parents walked in on me with my dick stuck in a shampoo bottle, crying on the floor with a shower curtain on top of me
>mfw I'm a literal disappointment to my family
>mfw I got a bible for christmas
>mfw I already have one...

This is strong of things me and my brother and best friend did to some extreme autismos from up the street.

>be me
>like 9 or 10
>attempt to make a stink bomb with piss and various weeds and dandelions
>hide it so it rots
>forget about it
>2 years later
>find it
>ohshitnigga.jpg
>fucking REEKS
>it's summer so there's no school to use it at
>tell 3 spaz neighbors who are brothers and believe every word I say that it's "Yin Zang tea straight from china"
>first ones takes a sip and spits that shit out immediately
>yell at him for wasting my Chinese tea
>demand he drinks more
>he very apologetically takes another swig
>his brothers fight over the rest and borderline chug it
>tell them it's piss and dandelions
>they aren't mad
>I'm laughing at them
>they're laughing with me at them
>I'm their god

>>715043165
>be me
>be 12
>communist, fat, and a russiaboo
>one day in history we were talking about world war two
>we were talking about the western front and how it was important i think
>anyways my fucking retarded ass decides to stand up and say something
>stand up and speak with the shittiest russian accent ever, i said something like "without the motherland you capitalist pigs would have lost etc etc.
>told to go to the office for being disruptive, while im leaving i was singing jibberish that was supposed to sound like the soviet anthem

god i wish someone kicked my ass for that

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>>715060326

fuckin priceless


>mfw

>>715043165
Used to play an old porno on vhs in the basement on the tv there. Used to jerk off and cum on the paused woman. One day i forgot(to clean up) and my dad sold the tv. I can only assume no one knew cause i never heard about it

>>715058153

fucking righteous haahaha

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>>715051538

>>715044992
i used to do that!

>be me
>2nd grade
>moved to new school
>too nervous to get up in front of class because thought they hated me
>Had to piss hella bad
>Would always wait until reccess
>Would sometimes write around and basically convulse (autistic?) due to needing to piss so bad
>Sometimes grabbed my dick
>Teacher sees
>Yells at me in class
>Tells parents
>Everyone assume I masturbating
>Was 2 much of a fggt to get up and go piss due to being embarressed

>>715046689
This nigga plays the long con, i love it.

Guaranteed you can pull all the snatch and any job you want you play that shit right. This sjw culture will fucking pander to you

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>be me
>Spend 3 MONTHS hording GBP
>Go ask mommy for my tendies for din-dins
"I'm tired Anon, and you had breakfast Tendies, now leave me alone with new daddy"
WHATtheFUCK.jpg
>I shall have the Tendies, they are my sole purpose for living
>Grab my good boy peepee jar
>Empty it on mommies new rug
>Go outside, like a fucking normie
>the fresh air burns my lungs and the sun sears my flesh
>it hurts, but I do it for tendies
>go to mommies new boyfriends car
>slash tires, use hose in gas pipe, give it nice succ
>Last time I gave a succ this nice it got me 50 GBP
>fill my good boy peepee jar with vroom vroom juice fro new daddies car
YOUreadyBITCH.gif
>go inside
>grab lighter from new daddies Jacket hung up in the closet next to my fedora collection
>enter living room and stand infront of mommy and new daddy, raise the jar in the air and light the lighter
>Fear no evil
GrandioseEntrance.jpg
>Screech at the top of my big boy lungs
"UNLESS 12 TENDIES I DO GAIN, I WILL LIGHT YOU UP IN FLAMES"
>Mommy looks scared
>New daddy starts talking, but is interrupted by the smashing of the gasoline filled peepee jar
"HSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS"
“DO NOT INTERRUPT ME, UGLY SWINE, YOU SHALL NOT SPEAK UNTIL THE TENDIES ARE MINE!
>Mfw mommy bought me 24 tendies
>Mfw I lit my hand on fire
The best part is, the stupid cunt didnt even think about taking away any of my good boy points.
Second best part is new daddy is going camping deep in the woods where “no one can hear us” next weekend, I wonder if they have wifi?

>>715061349
>based-anon

>>715047120
I pissed into my step dads listerine, and watched him use it. He was literally choking, and soon as hr spat it all out he immediately call the hotline to complain.

Fuck that faggot.

Reason i did that is he threw out half my clothes cause they were "garbage"

>>715061349
welcome to 4chan newfriend

>>715061505
i feel like they were garbage, what kinda clothing was it

>>715061536
>newfriend
Hey summer-fag, enjoying your visit?
Tendy memes have been around longer on 4chan than you have.

>>715060406
Another one

>be me
>be 8
>look up to my older neighbor as a god
>hover around him
>hope to be like him
>one day in his backyard
>pulls something out of his pocket
>it's light brown and crumbly
>says it's his mom homemade beef jerky
>fuckyes.jpg
>says I can have a little piece
>hold it
>thefuckisthis
>tell him it looks weird
>he says that's fucked up cause his mom works hard to make it
>licks some of it to show it's safe
>fuckit
>I eat it
>this is not beef jerky
>he laughs at me
>its dog shit
>he licked dog shit to make me eat dog shit
>my god is dead
>trust no one

>>715049512
You stupid nigger, you got an innocent man arrested for cheese pizza

>>715061505
A totally reasonable reaction

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>>715057631
u copied this shit
>u disgust me

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>>715046689

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>>715058744
>>715058153
should include this too

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>>715046689

>The Day Anon Raped Himself

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>>715058863
u think this is a fuckin joke?

>>715052892
Same m8, old habits are hard to kill

>>715061700
that doesnt mean they're funny

>Be me
>Be 12 year old
>Super horny
>total freak
>into BDSM, tickling, submission, etc.
>coax friend into hanging me by my wrists
>spends the next hour tickling my underarms and ribs while whipping me with his belt while I'm gagged and sweating through my tank top, with a raging hard on.

>>715046937
GODDAMN KEK

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>>715060053

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>>715060326
nice

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Shit wouldn't fly now
>be me and my brothers
>mid 1980's
> break into school through skylights
>go to chemistry lab
>don't know shit about chemistry but know sodium does not work with water
> based on class experiements
>steal a bottle of sodium chunks soaked in kerosene
>probably 10 half dollar sized pieces
>brother and I put them in water and blow up half grandmas house.
>we take to school
>flush this shit down 3 toilets
>no one knows shit
> blows up sewer shit running through all rooms
>Mfw

>be me 6th grade
>new kid moves to town
>complete fuck up with a broken home
>be me the magnet i am he decides to be friends with me
>hanging out one weekend
>shows me he has a molotov cocktail
>we walk to our school and i light it and chuck it at ths school
>playground and some trees started catching fire
>hauled ass
>hear sirens from his apartment like 10 mins after
Cant believe i got away with that shit especially inner-city Chicago.

>>715061653
My white tee shirts, all my jeans and half of my black shirts

Nigga bought me khakis. Fuck khakis

>>715046689
Do you even know what possessed you to put the BRISTLE END of an electric toothbrush in your ASS? What the fuck lol, you must be a retard now

>>715049233
"The stories and information posted here are artistic works of fiction and falsehood.
Only a fool would take anything posted here as fact."

No shit retard.

>>715061892
He also made a point to not buy me shit on my birthday, but instead buy himself something. For my 16th birthday he bought himself a car and said that i cant ride it in

Last i heard hes beating my mom and i dont give a shit

>>715046689
Oh fuck... and I thought I was the only one who tried an electric toothbrush...

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>>715061349
wrong thread

>>715062915
lmao sorry for your loss

>>715052963
this is fucking fantastic


>hey hey hey.wav

>>715061759
Except that they'll check for other photos of the boy and figure out that it's of some kid who used to live there.

>>715051564
What does sand nigger dick taste like?

>>715063298
Why dont you be a man instead of a bitch?

>>715063656
>cause pedos only keep pictures of kids they know

You arent too bright. Theyll assume the kid was molested in the home by the owner.

>>715063306
You're not alone bud, although I didn't bleed from it so I'm gud

>>715063063
Thought it'd feel like a vibrator or something, the handle didn't move when you turned it on

>>715050617
Im pretty sure it isnt illegal to search for it. Not saying they arent watching or his dumb ass didnt get listed, but they cant arrest you for typing the words.

>>715063864
Well, i dont need to impress somr random asshole on the internet. She was with him 20 years by this point, she can make her own damn decisions.

I got my own shit to do

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>>715059814

>be me
>be stupid 8 year old
>bored out of my mind at the afterchurch meeting I have to go to every Sunday because of my evangelical religious nuts parents
>suddenly realize that most of the benches are empty
>decide to have some fun
>start jumping over benches sideways
>game gets faster and faster, I'm almost at the end of the liNE of benches
>suddenly trip over my stupidity
>fall hard on bench with my legs spread open
>balls are pulverized
>bleeding, crying, I go back to my mom
>no one brings me to the hospital
>am now sterile

Fuck me

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>>715062060

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>>715063319
what dont you understand about
>stupid things you did as a child

>>715064472
This

>>715064165
Thanks, immunity cat. :)

>>715064247
They're called pews heathen.

>>715059751
Among many others.

>>715054743
Does your family have sticks up their asses?

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>>715061349

do you feel it yet mr krabs?

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>>715064092
>>715064440
Minor update

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>be 4
>have 2 werid cousins who were 5
>have a super busy mom
>sleep over
>have to sleep in the same bunk because the bottom was filled with toys n shit
>cant sleep
>toe feels....so werid
>cousin 2 says "aah it feels so....werid"
>uh oh .jpg
>cousin 1 says "hey that looks cool anon can i show you mine"
>they both show there pussies
>i had the hugest boner ever
>shit
>they started to rub there pussies on it and all that crap
>i like it .jpg
>did it every time i came there
>but just one day it stopped

and i wonder why i like lolicon

>>715051564
how the fuck you lick your own dick?

>>715043165
>age 6
>being babysit by a family friend.
>family friends lives in a big condo
>family friend's teenage daughter comes home
>got kicked outside the house for being a rascal
>was pissed off and wanted to piss badly
>notice their shoes next to the door
>start pissing on all their shoes because i don't give a fuck

i don't remember what happened afterward but i was never caught for that. i imagine they'd wonder what the fuck is that smell from their shoes lol

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>>715064767
Actually my church was an old theater converted into an evangelical church. So they're called benches, or seats.

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>>715046689
>>715046937


SUBLIMELY DEGENERATE

>>715059810
>doesn't know what "high functioning" means

>>715065355


Kek

>>715059814
Next time put cheese pizza with that crap. That way at least the mods would clean out the filth

>>715064999

Checked

and keep the updates comin based anon

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>>715046689
>by some miracle non-infected asshole

>>715050135
Hell yeah same here /b/ro.

I searched it on my phone when I thought that having the internet button on it meant it was included.

I racked up a $750 phone bill that month hahahahaha, searching for terms like that and I googled how to find it and I used terms like angels, young model. That was back when they charged per MB if you didn't have a plan.

Then about a year later I found this hellhole and found exactly what I was looking for.

>>715061700
>summer
>december

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Story Time
>Be myselves
>black communist mongol burrnesha polygender genderqueer with a third gender attachment
>Be heading to myselves college safe-space as myselves have recently received my fourth triggering of the day
>two non-binary citizens of the planet Earth are coming myselves way
>Both wearing shirts
One says “I’m with her (arrow pointing left)” and the other saying “I’m with him (arrow pointing right)”
Disgusted.jpg
>Reach the door of the designated safe-space
>myselves reach the door first and since there is a man heading in, myselves must assert that myselves cannot be dominated by his white-male privilege
>as he passes, he speaks
“Thank you m’am”
>What the FUCK
>Call him a transphobic pig for assuming myselves identity
“I.. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to offend you, what is your gender?”
>TRIGGERED
>Call this piece of shit scum out for even daring to be transphobic enough to ask myselves identity
“My bad, I’m so sorry for offending you, can I make it up to you?”
>you
>YOU
YOU!?
>This stupid motherfucker just assumed myselves pronouns 3 fucking times WHAT THE FUCK
>Leave the so-called “safe-space” and go to myselves gender studies Proffessor
>cry and tell them everything that myselves has faces today
“I don’t know how yourselves survived such an ideal, Anon, what a misogynistic racist, xenophobic, transphobic, homophobic bigoted piece of SHIT!”
> cry together
>Mfw myselves gender studies professor told the principal
>Mfw the misogynist was expelled from the college
>Mfw 3 more safe-spaces are created on campus
>Mfw all white males are excluded from the now perfect safe-spaces
>Mfw the oppressed few have finally reached the beginning of equality
Check myselves privilege
>Still not privileged

>>715052892
top kek

>>715059814

fek u

>be in first grade, so probably 6 or 7 years old
>going to use the computers in school for the first time
>teacher telling us the do's and don'ts of the internet
>asks us if we can contribute any
>I raise my hand, teacher calls on me
>tells class "not to look at naked ladies because that's what my dad does" (he'd do this in the living room when I'd play in my room, and close the browser when he realized I was close, but sometimes I'd get a glimpse)
>teacher gives me a petrified look, rest of class laughing
>tells teacher's aide to take the rest of the class to the library, and that "anon and her need to have a little talk"
>no clue what's happening here, see her go to the phone and talk in a hush whisper
>says we're going on a walk
>telling me that "everything is going to be okay and that I need to talk to the nice woman"
>takes me to school psychologist
>asks me a million questions, like if my dad hurts me and touches me in any ways
>replies yes, my dad touched my butt (he spanked me, but I didn't know the word for it)
>starting to cry because I had really bad anxiety issues at that age
>she hugs me, says that everything will be alright and I'll be safe
>it's the next day after school, and I'm eating a snack and talking to my mom
>hear a knock at the door
>mom opens it up, it's a woman from child protective services
>demands a tour of the home and to talk with my parents
>mom tells me to go to my room
>locked away for two hours, hear my mom sobbing in the kitchen for being accused of being married to a pedo
>dad is flipping shit, saying that things were taken out of context
>social worker finally leaves and my parents call me out of the room and asks what started this all
>tell mom that daddy was looking at naked ladies on the computer
>tells me to go back to my room, hear her screaming at him for an hour and saying how they could have been arrested for abuse because he couldn't wait until he was home alone to watch porn

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>>715061759
>>715063656
>>715063960
we moved out of country, so who knows what ever happened. still, it's one of those things that gives me a chuckle sometimes.

>>715053623
lol

>>715062523
Pretty hot

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>>715056841
>i give address
>anonymous tip to FBI that current house resident has cp stash
>some poor guy gets swatted
>???
>profit

>>715058956
He isn't autistic, he's sociopathic. Get your mental disorders right.

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>>715065063
kek.

>be me
>about 6 years old, right before 9/11
>hanging out with my friend Jason and his family
>he has a sister named Jessica, blonde hair, blue eyes, missing a few teeth same grade as me
>she had a crush on me, and Jason would always sing Anon and Jessica sitting in a tree k-i-s-s-i-n-g
>shit made me mad
>I kind of liked her to in an innocent kid way
>said she needed help when we were hanging out
>get away Jason and my brother
>she leads me to the bathroom
>she pulls down pants and underwear
>asks me to see what happens when she pees
>lol not sure what's happening but I felt helpful and watched her
>started laughing uncontrollably
>she started laughing and peed a bit more
>pull down my pants and try
>nothing
>sadface.jpg
>looked around
>she told me not to tell anyone, and it's our secret
>promised
>we come out and go back
>kids singing that damn song
>she grabs my hand
>feels comforting
>they stop
>hung out with her for about another year until my parents got divorced and we moved away
>she was my best friend back then
>always wondered what happened to her

tfw I had a better romantic life when I was 6 than I do now. I only wish I could find a girl with real emotion and that cares. I'm tired of playing games.

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>>715065690
>>715064999
Not going to babysit thread, but this was pic was too good to ignore

>>715059814
aye

>>715059411
No seriously, the gene pool is fucked enough without you so just go get it done

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>>715054065
you realize you're not entertaining anyone or adding anything constructive to the thread right?

>>715060504
As long as you grew out of it lol

>>715059184
got me

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>>715057059

>doing surveys on internet for shit
>i dont want to put in my phone number
>random string of numbers with my area's number at the beginning
>i do 40-50 surveys with this number
>a month or two goes by
>news story about man harassed by "telemarketers"
>all of the companies he complains about i did a survey for
>poor old man.

>be cub scout, so probably eight
>doing this "lad and dad" camp retreat with all the other cub scouts in the county
>there's this guy there, has no kid, says he works for the boy scouts of america
>balding, 70's glasses, and has a small dog
>always plays with us in kickball and helps with our activities
>really nice dude, and he was super nice to us
>one day my friends left me in the woods while we were playing capture the flag, and I'm lost
>he finds me, and walks me back to the main camp area
>says if I ever need to talk to a grown-up about anything, I can talk with him at his cabin
>don't take him up on his offer, because I kinda forgot about it
>three years later
>mom gets a phone call from our cub scout leader, is freaking out
>turns on the local news
>dude from boy scout camp is arrested for molesting thirteen boys in a four year span
>news touches upon the fact that he posed as a boy scout of america employee and molested boys in his cabin at retreats
>mom thinks I was molested

>>715043165
>be me
>17 yr old
>adopted as fuck
>hanging out with friends
>some other kid starts shit out of nowhere
>lifts me up over his head and tosses my shit
>we fight
>my legal guardian gets pissed and sends me away
>I bitch and moan that I don't want to fly to the new home
>steal twelve thousand dollars to take a taxi cab across the country
>realize I'm fucking retarded
>it's okay because new family that's taking me in is rich as fuck.

>>715043165
>>doing surveys on internet for shit
>>i dont want to put in my phone number
>>random string of numbers with my area's number at the beginning
>>i do 40-50 surveys with this number
>>a month or two goes by
>>news story about man harassed by "telemarketers"
>>all of the companies he complains about i did a survey for
>>poor old man.

i should also probably note that by "own phone number" i meant dad's
surveys were for hacks on an old game i played then

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>>715062171
>>715056622
>>715046689
Complete story screencapped

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>>715046689
nigga what

>>715068524
I like this version better.

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>>715043165
>be me like 6
>mom brings her friend from work over
>she has 2 twin daughters that were a year younger then me
>fucking hated it when my mom would bring someone over and I was forced to entertain there children
>I remember after dinner I barricaded my door with all my toys trying keep them out cause ain't nobody touching my toys
>they can't get in lulz for days
>they tell my mom and she breaks threw my barricade
>she yells at me at tell me to play nice
>let them in and they try to talk to me
>throw open the window and jump out cause I just wanna be alone
>I was an only child and I valued always being alone
>house is on an acre of land and I knew it all like the back of my hand
>they tell my mom I went outside and she told them it's okay just go with me
>somehow they fucking find me
>give in and start talking to them one thing less to another I ask if I can see there butt
>they agree and pull down there skirts and show me
>holyshitwhatthefuckamifeelingthisfeelslikegrandpasplayboysohmygod.jpeg
>get a 6 year old boner but of course don't know what to do with it
>they giggle and let me touch there bare butts
>mfw
>mom ends up becoming really good friends with there mom and this continues for 2 years until I move
>when ever where ever I asked they would do it
>they asked once to see my dick and I showed them I think they got turned on by it too
>I'd just drag them away from everyone and ask them to do it for me
>nothing ever happened beyond that
>saw them after I moved about 5 years ago and they turned out hot but neither of us ever brought it up

>>715064165
Thanks kitty.

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>Be me, working on my minecraft peaceful world
>mummy comes in, hands up in submission
>"a-anon... It's time for your doctors appointment..."
>look her dead in the face
>"if you make me go to that jew Doctor I'm going to shit in your fucking bed."
>"now anon, if you behave... I'll give you a triple Tendie meal from anywhere you want."
>sold, but resolve to give her as hard a time as possible to punish her for not just GIVING me the triple tendies for being her perfect little baby boy
>get in the car
>"oh boy mommy, I really do need to go to the docy docs! I am feeling so... Sick!"
>shit my big boy pants
>she screams at me to get out of the car so she can clean it, say no, docy docs now!
>she reluctantly drives me over, go inside office and wipe my shit on the Windows
>she apologizes, pays for damages and we wait for the doctor
>mommys shoe starts to dangle off her heel
>start jerking off
>mommy sees me and desperately whispers at me to stop before someone notices
>moan as loud as I can
>she's in tears now
>look her in the eye
>"Touch my cock, whore." I say loud enough for the whole room to hear
>she sobs loudly and shakes her head no
>pinch her nipple and twist until she agrees and gives me cummies
>Doctor calls me in, immediately call him a kike
>spend whole checkup farting, pissing, and belching strategically to ruin the doctors day
>checkup finally ends, mom is still sobbing
>"triple Tendie time now mummy!"
>lets out a louder sob and rushes to the car, me in pursuit
>"wh-where do you want tendies from, anon?"
>tell her I want wendies tendies
>she takes me to wendies, and we discover, to her horror, that they only have nuggets now.
>REEEEE at her while shitting and pissing myself
>she rushes me home and leaves me there, saying she'll be back soon with as many tendies as I can eat
>comes home 20 minutes later with 7 orders of Popeyes tendies
>smile and thank her
>she sighs with relief and decides to take a nap after her ordeal
>Left a surprise in her bed

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>>715046689

>>715063960
Yeah... the kid from years ago who's parents lived there around the time of the photo. Not saying there wouldnt be investigation, but it would lead them to the guy who could explain that he was not molested

>>715068922
It wasn't funny the first time, go be a faggot somewhere else.

>>715064115
Good boy

>>715059814
you shut

>>715052963
didn't happen

>>715065249
That picture is clearly of seats, not benches.

>12 years old then
>"helping" out with a ballet performance
>girls at the theater had very nice asses
>losevirginityat12?.jpg
>sadly no
>dreams crushed
>i still go every day to watch the girls
>loading stuff onto truck
>nice spanish man from crew asks if i want to ride in truck
>ok
>big truck
>put my leg up to get to the door
>penis part of jeans rip
>ohshit.jpg
>i go the rest of the day subtly covering it
>nobody notices?..
>next day girl from ballet ask me out
>proud "yes" from me
>she says "ok, dont rip your pants around me"
>her friends laugh
>i realise she doesnt like me
>dreams crushed

>>715050135
Shiet breah I did the same when I was 13 just stright up on Google is hit a brick when one of the results was that it's illegal
I miss 13 year old horny me looking up porn on youtube because I didint know any porn sites and was too scared my dad would find out if I searched for porn

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>>715066572
fucking hell anon

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>>715069174
Haha, I sure hope not.

>Be me, 9
>Looking at the ads in the back of a Popular Science magazine
>See ads for Penis enlargement
>Never had a sexual thought before in my life, but now I'm curious
>I spend a couple weeks searching pictures of penises on the computer. Not just Google Images either; I probably got some viruses
>I pretend to be doing something else if someone enters the room, but I never even think about hiding my tracks
>One day mom want to show me something on the computer. Goes to Google. Just happens to type in the letter "P"
>Ohshit.jpg
>I immediately try to play it off. "Woah, that's a weird suggestion
>Didn't buy it
>She completely freaked
>She'd nonchalantly bring it up for a while after that. Even telling me how I need to ask for forgiveness from god or I'll go to hell. It felt like the end of the world
>It wasn't even close to being the last time I'd be caught via internet history. I didn't fully figure out all the facets of covering my tracks until years later.
>Incidentally I'm only slightly gay

>>715052963
I laughed way too hard at this.

>>715069426
>covering so that nobody finds out

>>715065138
wait....you can't?

>>715064001
Yeah I didn't bleed also. He must have shoved the wrong end up there, or he didn't use lube and a condom like I did.

>Kek

>>715069689
do you call trannies by she?

>Be me 9
>See 2 hot girls that are around 14-16
>ask if they want to see something cool
>itstime.png
>give them the finger
>they laugh a bit
>one of them kneels down and licks my finger
>feels weird and I'm confused
>ask if they want to be my girlfriends
>they look at each other and casualty walk away
I'll never forget.

>>715070613
I don't know. I've never seen one in the wild. I don't really give a fuck.

>>715052963
I kek'd

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>>715070895
>casualty

>>715065138
Get /fit/ faggot

>>715054065
Fuck off useless retard

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Slightly updated screencap from Hero Anon

going to sleep now, happy shitposting

>be me, 7 years old
>going to elementary school
>recess is about to start
>abouttoplayonplaygrond.gif
>some girl pulls me aside
>says she wants to sex
me being the seven year old i am, i dontmknow what sex is,
>say sure
>go into bathroom
>she touches my dick
>it tickles
> she pulls me in a stall and starts sucking me
>it feels good but werid
>reach point where i feel amazing
>accidentally piss in her mouth
>ohfuck.jpg
>get the fuck out of there
>deny everything i was accused of

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I have the best one...
>Father fucks Mother.
>Out of approximately 100 million other options (and numerous other attempts, my Mother had some problems getting knocked up) I am the one that made it
>Be born.
>Be the miracle child so can't ctrl-z that mistake without seriously upsetting the one person in this world I give the most fucks about.

>Be 9 or 10
>would play game with nerf guns with teams of 2 and 3
>team of 3 would have 2 terrorists and a hostage
>team of 2 would be US Army trying to free the hostage
>would alternate teams and switch up the location of where the hostage was tied up
>we would actually tie up the hostage
>one day it's my turn to be the hostage
>friend gets a huge length of rope and ties my arms behind my back to may lags at the top of a big staircase in my house
>before he ties me to the railing another friend bumps into me
>fall down like 20 steps
>shit.png
>mfw I had a concussion

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>>715043165
I have some screencaps.

>>715052963
a fine kek

>>715059814
fuck you

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>>715074071

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>>715045677

>>715059814
No

>>715069083
Why do you have four of that image

>>715068277
i see what you did there

>Be me, 9 years old
>Playing mario kart on gamecube with a bro in his basement
>We start betting on the game
>Eventually he says "Whoever loses has to suck the other's dick"
>I say okay why not cus I didn't realize how fucking gay that was
>He completely lets me win which I thought was odd
>Almost tackles me to suck my peep
>I tell him "wtf no bro your saliva is nasty"
>He puts a ziploc bag over my stud and goes to town
>Too young to cum so it just felt really good
>Then he wants me to put it in his ass
>Whatissex.zip

And then stuff happened, basically I look back on that in shame

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>be me
>in 6th grade
>annoying kid picking on me for losing weight
>tell him he was going on "the List" just so he would shut up
>Art teacher overhears
>they think its a hit list
>police are called
>locker searched
>they threaten home investigation.
>parents are sobbing, begging for the police not to take me away
>i had to make up a horseshit story so that the police wouldnt take me away
>they believe it
Fast forward to the next week
>sister comes home
>says the Art teacher told her something bad
>art teacher told her that I could be arrested, and to make up stuff about me so that the family would be safe
>art teacher was reported
>she gets the boot
>mfw all this because i started to lose weight

>>715050645
funniest fucking thing on /b/, im goddamn crying.

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>be 5 or 6
>develop habit of rubbing junk against bottom of the bathtub
>it was textured but not that sandpaper stuff
>no idea what I'm doing
>sure felt good tho
>mom and dad wonder why water always spilled everywhere
>figure it's because dumb kid
>mom walks in on me doing it
>doesn't freak, bless her heart
>tells me not to do it, not good for me
>take initiative
>soap fixes everything
>squirt liquid bath soap down my peehole
>mfw

>>715057260
Fun for the whole family!

>around 10
> my bro calls random number
>doesnt pick up
> leaves message" your boobs are hot"
>we geek out for a while
>some bitch calles back,parents yell at us from living room
>iknowexactlywhothatisbuthow.jpg
>learned about caller id that day

>>715059814
Fuckkkkkkkk