Greentext Stories >be me >be 17 >be true >be Christmas time >sister had been asking for Cards Against Humanity for two years >she's an annoying cunt but decide to get it for her anyway >giving spirit >nah I just want positive reinforcement and possible sex >she's chubby, but in the fuckable way, and there's been legit sexual tension between us for years >would always give her massages >one time even asked if I loved her >"y-yeah, as a sister..." >gotta keep myself open >not sure if she still wants it >wait until 5 days before Christmas because I'm a lazy fuck >order on amazon, shipping & handling is insane, whole thing cost maybe 40 or 50, might have bought something else >fuck Amazon Prime >3 or 2 days before Christmas >in middle of fap >mom attempts to come in, but I'm one step ahead of that shit >door locked >"anon, why is the door locked?" every fucking time >my answer is always "force of habit" >pull up pants >close porn >unlock door >open door >get on the floor >I'm just fucking with you >"A package came for you, anon." >Surewhateverleavemealone.png >leaves me alone >boner is kill, though >decide to go down and get it before I start up again >sister sitting at table, mom standing at counter, looking at package cont.
>>600137867 Okay >be 15 >be really Good to start fires and related stuff >bored one dag, so i decide to make a small fire out on the street >start by making small fire >get more shit in there >throw on some fireworks as well >be several hours later >clean up and then I notice that the asphalt is soft >I melted a huge spot of asphalt >mfw
>>600136703 sister is 3 years younger than me, btw >mom asks "hey anon", do you know what 'Cards Against Humanity LLC is?'" >WHAT THE FUCK >pull her into other room >some key points of my rant to her: >that was my sister's christmas present >I fucking told you beforehand NOT to get her Cards Against Humanity for her because I was getting it >this was literally 2 days ago >even on top of all this Christmas is two days away, do the fucking math >storm up to my room pissed >you don't understand my anger >I was too angry to fap, but dammit I try anyway >nothing >take a while to calm down >mfw my mom ruined Christmas AND my fap >forget how but I calm myself down, probably with anime because I'm a little fuckboy >calm enough to finish my fap >open porn again >start fap >get into it >door opens >forgot to lock door >close porn quickly and slide under desk, simultaneously pulling up pants >It's mom >"Anon did you pick up another package? Another package was supposed to come today" >GOTHEFUCKAWAY.AVI >mom puts on a disgusted look, like I just insulted her bloodline or some shit, then leaves >close door >LOCK door >start again >knock on door >GODDAMMIT >pull up pants, unlock and open door >"Why are you so mad at me?!?!" >mfw my mom ruins Christmas and my fap twice
>after mom leaves, try do something other than porn >vent to my friends on skype >tell them mom ruined my sister's christmas present >they call me a brat for being mad >mfw this entire night
>>600139655 You are a fucking little baby. Crying at your mom as though her getting the same present is the end of the fucking world. Your solution? Masturbate and watch weaboo shit, what the fuck is wrong with you?. Grow the fuck up.
I've got a long one, so bare with me Let me tell you story of vengeance. At the helm of this story, we have a cray-cray girl who we shall simply refer to as Cray. >Be Me, livin’ in Sweden land. >Hockey is a big fuckin’ deal >our towns team is playing quarter finals today >fuck yeah, gotta get tickets >get to school and teachers say they’ll buy them for is, HAPPY DAYS >just gotta sign your name up on a sheet and you’ll get it tomorrow >Next day, oversleep, realize it’s ticket day >SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT, rush to school >”Anon you’re late, but don’t worry, the tickets were handed out in your class, someone should have an extra one” >”Hey guys, anyone seen my ticket?” >”oh yeah, we passed them through the lot, Cray was the last one to get the tickets, she should have yours” >”Hey Cray, got my ticket? The others said you’d have it for me” >”Um, no? I only got one ticket from the class, don’t have yours?”
Now one thing you’ve got to understand with Cray was that she was an outsider to begin’ with. She never had anyone and no one wanted to talk to her because of her weird ass fucking “sense” of humour. Kinda on the chubby side, nothing special to look at, 5/10 at best, and her personality made that shit look like a 3/10. She eventually liked to keep to herself. >”Uh the others in class said you had the tickets?” >”Uh, well they’re lying, no stop asking me” >”wat” >Tell teacher she didn’t have them >”WELL ANON, YOU SHOULD HAVE GOTTEN TO SCHOOL ON TIME, NOT MY PROBLEM HURR DURR”
>>600140347 Cont >It’s too late to purchase anymore tickets. >feel the rage boil inside of me >A bit later, lunch >”Anon, we’re telling you, she has your ticket, she’s just lying, go confront her.” >Didn’t want to make a scene yelling at her in school making me look like I’m “bullying” her. >Approach her anyway >”Cray the others KNOW they gave you the ticket, now hand it to me so I don’t have to make a scene” >”Um, hey Anon, no I can’t give it to you” >”Why not?” >”cause I told the others that I didn’t have it, so if I just give it to you now, it’ll show everyone that I was lying, so I have to stand by this decision” >Waat >My head was literally spinning, she tried to tell me, with a straight face, that she couldn’t since it’d brand her a liar >would rather be branded a thief >Leave the school cafeteria, sit in school lounge with classmates >”Anon how’d it go?” >explain >”Dude, if we all hound her, she HAS to give you her ticket, there’s no way she couldn’t, we’ll all back you up and say it’s not bullying” >Sounds good >Cray comes walking over she liked to hang out around our groups, just listening like the weirdo she was >”Cray come over here, I want my fucking ticket back” >”but Anon I don’t ha-“ >”GIVE HIM THE FUCKING TICKET WE ALL SAW YOU TAKE IT, STOP TRYING TO LIE TO US” >”NO ONE LIKES YOU” >”ANON REALLY WANTS TO SE THE GAME” My brotier mates got my back >”UGH! Fine! Take the tickets, I didn’t want to watch the stupid hockey game anyway!” >Gives me 3 tickets. >BITCH HAD 3 TICKETS, NOT TWO >”Why the fuck did you have 3 tickets?” >”I was going to try and sell them, duh?” >My brain is seriously spinning over her retard way of thinking >Proceed to avoid her for the rest of the 3 years that I’m going there. SHIT CRAY
>have teacher no one likes. We’ll call her Trunchbull. >Trunchbull always givin us a fuck ton of homework and then not correcting it >always goes out for a smoke during class when we need assistance >When offering her help to make us learn, she does the entire process herself so we don’t learn shit >make shit up to avoid coming to school, cancels lessons left and right >”I have to go, my bank account is being hacked by someone in Serbia >”I’ve got to go, my dog needs to see his dog friends now” >like this all the fucking time >one day she gets diagnosed with cancer >”Class, I have some sad news, I am diagnosed with cancer >Dead Silence. >Hear someone scoff >guess who >you don’t need to >it’s fucking Cray >”WHO WAS THAT!? WHO SCOFFED!?” >”NO ONE BELIEVES THAT YOU HAVE CANCER YOU FUCKING COW, STOP LYING TO US >Cray what have you done >Everyone is shocked at Cray >Cray proceeds to get up, pack her shit and leave >Teacher proceeds to do the same >”class dismissed” >What the fuck just happened Fuckin’ Cray
>>600140797 Another story, to show that this girl is absolutely desperate for attention. Like really desperate. >Been ignoring Cray to the best of my ability >One day get wind of her having a Boyfriend >Who give a shit, why are people in class talking about that? >Apparently she’s posting pics of her and her Bf everyone 2 seconds of facebook >pics of them in a bed together naked with cover up to underneath their chins >pics of all their clothes piled in a floor >girls is desperately seeking attention >dramatic love-filled relationship status >Jesus fucking Christ, can we just not feed her the attention she clearly wants? >fuck this, not going to pay attention >ignore her some more I think everything will blow over as long as we don’t give her what she wants >GUESS AGAIN >More dramatic posts >pics of them kissing >Plural. Pics >like 20. >Still have to hear retard classmates talk about this shit for the next couple of months. Cray getting’ her way
>>600140925 >fast forward 4 years >Left school a year ago, studying to become a chef, livin’ with my gurl >one day come home, open door, get on floor, Gf is dinosaur >cri >move back home, bro’s trying to cheer me up after my break up >decided I want some new poon, get my ass back out in the game >remember this one real desperate chick from my past >it’s Cray >wtf am I thinking >Want easy poon >Contact Cray over facebook >MFWw she’s started working out >MFW she’s a decent 8/10 (not considering her personality) >She’s single >”HEY ANON! It’s been so long! How are you? I really missed you!” >Waaat >ask if she want’s to meet and go for a walk >”sure, what time?” >arrange a time to hang out, she comes over and we go for a walk >After walk, ask if she wants to come back to my pad (staying at friends place) >”sure Anon, sounds good” >sitting on couch, talking for a bit >talk about past relationships. >She says she hasn’t had sex since half a year ago >Says she only wants something casual >Bim-Bam-Bim >Sly McFox skills activate >”Hey let me give you a backrub while you tell me” >”Got my technique down and everything, I don’t tickle or nothing” >Thank you pulp fiction >”Uh, sure?” >Proceeded to give her backrub and work my way to her thighs >then ass >Oh lord her butt is pretty amazing now actually >huge amazing ass >”uh Anon, what are you doing?” >Lean in for kiss >”uh, you’re confusing me Anon, what is it you want from me?” >”I want you” >”Oh? Alright then”
>>600141158 >waaat she’s so fucking awkward >Start kissing and rubbin dat poon from the outside of her yoga pants >Did I mention she was wearing yoga pants? >”HAHAHAHA ANON WHAT IS THAT?” >Bitch laughed right in my face at some random as picture in the room >”I don’t know, this isn’t my house” >”HAHAH IT LOOKS LIKE A RETARDED JANNET JACKSON >MFW my friend’s older sister painted it >MFW it’s micheal Jackson >MFW it’s a pretty fucking good painting and there’s nothing wrong with it at all >start rubbin’ her again >she gets up out of nowhere and unzips my pants >Bim-Bam-Bim >Start suckin’ mah Johnson >Sucks like a goddess, pretty surprised >Try to get her yoga pants off, want that booty >”no Anon, don’t” >Try anyway >”No Anon, stop” >Still keep tryin, want that poon goddammit >she takes them off herself this time >move into bedroom, have some pretty amazing sex >cum with Mr. Johnson >lean back to take off condom >there’s a faint trail of blood on it >”uh, do you have your period Cray?” >”No?” >MFW she’s either lying or I burst her poon >throw condom in trash, when I come back in room she’s fully clothed and putting her shoes on >”you’re going already?” >”yes? Isn’t that what guys want?” >Really yes, but it seemed weird, I guess she really just wanted a casual fuck >”sure whatever, catch you later” >she leaves Mother fuckin’ Cray
>randomly get a text >”hey want me to come over so we can have some fun?” >”not really, I’d rather have sex” >”oh, that works too, I’m coming right now Anon” >she comes over a second time and instantly throws her cloths of when she steps inside >pushes me into the bedroom >starts unzipping my trousers >Bim-Bam-Bim >Mr. Johnson is in her mouth again >We do the deed and she gets up and instantly gets dressed again >doesn’t say a word >”I’ll see you later Cray?” >”Bye Anon, gotta run and see a friend” >”K later” ALL YOU HAD TO DO, WAS FOLLOW THE DAMN TRAIN CRAY-JAY
>>600141404 Fast forward 3 weeks. >packing bags to leave to England >haven’t heard from Cray >moving because nothing left for me in Sweden land >Hightail it all the way England >day after I arrive I get a message on facebook >it’s Cray >”Hey Anon! How you been? What you doing?” >Don’t feel like talking to her, so I just tell her that I’m doing nothing >”oh cool, we should hang out sometime” >Bim-Bam-Bim >realize I never informed her that I was leaving >”Sure! You should come over some time!” >We talk a lot, figure out a day which will suit us both >3 weeks later she is coming over >MFW >she messages me in the morning >”can’t wait to see you later Anon” >”Neither can I Cray, I just woke up, so excuse how I look” >contact my best bro and tell him he’s getting a guest, fill him in on the details >”you’re a dick, but that sounds funny, I’m heading out now so she’ll just come to an empty house, fuck you’re plan, don’t wanna deal with her Anon” >filename. >all of a sudden my friend comes back after 10 minutes >”Anon she was just at the door” >He proceeds to tell me the details of how their conversation went down >”Hi Anon’s friend, is Anon here? We were going to meet today” >”Um, no you just missed him! He had to run out, he’ll be back soon” >”Oh? In that case I’ll stay here and wait for him” My bro didn’t wanna deal with her, so thinking on his feet he told her this >”Actually he’s moved to England, so he doesn’t live here anymore” >”..What?” >”Yupp.” >”but I just spoke to him? He said he was here, we were going to hang out, we’ve planned this” >Stares at him >”I’ve got nothing more to say to you, so uh, you can go now” Bro proceeds to shut the door in her face >*PLING* *PLING**PLING**PLING**PLING**PLING**PLING**PLING* >20 messages on my messenger >fuck that, not reading until the giggles are over Fuckin’ Cray
>>600141509 >Insert Billy Mayes Quote here >Read her messages >they basically read that she’s super confused and wonders why he’d say I’m in England and where Am i? >Suddenly get bright idea to drag this out further >”I had to run, emergency, I asked my bro to tell you where I was going but apparently I can’t count on him, he’s always had a thing for lying, sorry” >”I KNEW he was lying Anon, I could see it in his face” >MFW >Tell her that I’m super sorry on his behalf and that we should meet up again as soon as possible >she buys it >filename >Bitch should have never tried to steal my hockey tickets
We’re meeting up again this Wednesday Anons, What do you guys think?
>>600136703 Nice short one for you anons tired of these long ass stories. >be me >like 2 hours ago >fap >use lube, generous amount >jizz >inststantly disgusted with the mess I have made >clean up everything but lube is all over balls >tried everything but they're still slightly moist >remember "dab don't rub" >full autismo mode activate >start rapidly dabbing balls with towel >my nuts still fucking hurt
>>600142495 >>600141615 No, I'm serious, this sounds like cringe tier goodness Give her an excuse like "you don't know when the next time you'll hang out is and you want this as a memory" or "I'm practicing movie making and need something to edit"
>>600141615 Your friend is right, you're a dick. She was a weird obnoxious kid but your not kids anymore and she seems like she's been cool to you. Just be straight with her, it's going to crush her anyway since she is apparently desperate for attention and affection. She's fucked up and you were right to get away but she doesn't deserve this, unstable people unsuprsingly take things the hardest. You're already an asshole but this is the kind of decision where you choose if you are just going to be an ass hole or the gigantic steaming pile of shit that comes out of it too.
>>600136703 >be me >read the OP >think it has potential >wait patiently for OP to continue >OP continues story >it sucks >OP fails to redeem himself >keep reading thread, hoping in vain for a story to blow OP's out of the water
>be me >have to shitt really hard >sit on toilett >use up all the damm toilet paper >itsfinecuzihaveanotherroleliengaround.jpg >taking the hard paper roll you get when the paper is used up >think about what i could do with it. >having the idea to put it on my dick and get boner so my dick is traped inside paperroll >do it >kinda hurts and feels really weird >take the paperroll off and masterbate. >cum in my hand and have no paper around. >holy shitt wtf am i going to do about the cum in my hands >i hear my mom walk upstairs >get paranoid and decide to lick it off my hand >kinda sux and somehow dried out my throath. >got very thirsty and drank some water.
>be me >be at the University >taking a dump during the recess between classes >listen a dude next to me apparently giving birth to a descomunal turd >try to be quiet while he tries to contain his shouts in pain >he shouts "OH GOD!!" and a continuous fart and splashed shit solo begins >he realizes something's wrong "OH, GOD, IS THAT BLOOD?" >can't fucking contain myself and start laughing my fucking ass off as i release the pressure i had been putting on my sphincter >the other guy cleans himself as fast as he can and exits the cabin >i clean myslef and approach his cabin just to check >little stains of blood and shit sprayed all over the surface of the toilet >begin to laugh again >exit toilet >everybody looks at me as I can't fucking stop laughing >get to class >awesome day
I'll repost a story of mine from quite a while ago.
>17 at the time >went to a football game alone >shitty way to spend my time, but whatever >walking out the gate >7/10 guy I've seen around (never talked to him before) >"Hey, Anon. Want me to walk with you?" (no license) >"Oh. Umm. Sure." >walk to my house across town >talking for a while >kid seems cool enough >get to my place >"I guess I'll see you tomorrow." >"Wait, Anon. Do you want some company?" >awkward-as-shit me doesn't know how to say 'no' >watch a few movies >I'm fucking tired, and I accidentally fell asleep >kid apparently needed a place to crash for the night >he seemed pretty trustworthy, so I didn't mind >wake up next morning >go to my room to change >motherfucker went through all my clothes >bitch must have masturbated all over my room >jizz fucking everywhere >never saw him again
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