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ITT: Autistic shit you did when you were a teen >be 13 >beta

The stories and information posted here are artistic works of fiction and falsehood.
Only a fool would take anything posted here as fact.

Thread replies: 213
Thread images: 42

ITT: Autistic shit you did when you were a teen

>be 13
>beta as fuck
>overhear seniors talking about "smell of sex"
>come to conclusion smell of sex is the smell of cum
>go to school toilet
>masturbate on underwear
>take some of cum and rub it on teeth
>did this till i was 17
>mfw i remember what i used to do
why did you rub it on your teeth?
and now youre a faggot
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So that my breath smells like sex obviously
bumping for replies
i can't be the only one who did autistic shit
>be 10
>fat, curly haired fag that only played play station
>only 3 friends
>after school one day
>make my way down to the cafeteria for after care and wait for my dad to pick me up
>hang with friends and wait the day out
>be 6:00pm now
>something clicked inside
>go into faculty bathroom
>handicap stall
>take all of my clothes off
>shit on floor
>dance around shit like a caveman praising fire
>6:30 now
>Whole school is looking for me because I'm the only one left
>Dad comes stomping into bathroom yelling my name
>"Dad, I have no idea why I did this"
>Dad doesn't speak to me the rest of the way home
>never brought up again

What the fuck is wrong with me, my whole childhood was beta as fuck
>be 8
>crazy in love with girl in my class
>sit on schoolbus back home
>she gets of bus first
>lick an kiss her seat till its my stop
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fucking hell, that shit isn't normal..
wrote in tipex under my chair the name of the girl i liked when i was 11
couldn't speak to most adults and had to whisper in my mums ear to get her to tell them. happened up till 10 I think
another one

>be in school
>learn about traffic
>learned to always watch left and right before crossing a street
>school is done
>chill with some friends
>lost track of time, mom is going to be pissed
>deside to run home
>no time to pay attention on traffic
>just run like a retard shaking head left and right all the way home
Why would you want your breath to smell like sex?
>be 14
>walk up to teacher
>all like "hey are you coming to the party on saturday" <-- Blatantly joking
>she says yes and even says where it is
>"ofuck" through my head.

>day of the party
>it's dark af cause it's fucking England
>mildly drunk because earlyteen parties
>teacher turns up
>flirt with teacher for a laugh
>kisses teacher
>realises wtf is going on
>both stop

And thus begins a year of awkward maths lessons.
lol you autist, learn some logic and then come back
i mean who doesn't want their breath to smell of cum after walking out of the boys toilets.
>be 10
>each time i had the urge to fart i would go to the bathroom
>strip my clothes and sit on the sink with mirror to see my farts
>always did this until i saw a fart
>never saw a fart
A true autist. Any more times when you showed your true nature?
Mah nigga. Should'a fucked her.
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he wanted that everyone thinks he had sex, now leave
So that when I opened my mouth, it would intensify the sex coming from me
oh my. because sarcasm obviously never translated itself. I'm not an autistic potato, I know why he did it bruh
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hory shit niggel he posted an ironic post and you took it serious
Should'a. Doubt I'd have been able to, neither of us were drunk enough to allow that.
what? but why? with other boys in the boys toilets?

>So that when I opened my mouth, it would intensify the sex coming from me
>would intensify the sex coming from me
>intensify the sex coming from me

makes sense

>i mean who doesn't want their breath to smell of cum after walking out of the boys toilets.

i know this is sarcastic but this is still not what OP wanted.
lurking for moar
It didn't occur to you that it would rather smell like you sucked dick?
>take some of cum and rub it on teeth

One a fag, no turning back
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penis breath!
idk how to feel about that gif,
but that's how every non-autistic person would interpret OPs story, OP himself even described his thought process as autistic...
Don't know how to green text.

But be 7
In class at wet play really needing to piss
Too shy to ask the dinner lady to go to the toilet
Lay front down on the carpet corner and piss
Spend the rest of lunch dry humping the carpet in an attempt to dry my soaked dungarees.
>hey you wanna dance hahaha
For my 13 year old autistic mind, smell of cum = smell of sex. smell of cum != smell of penis.
>dont kow how to greentext
now this is autism
>But be 7
>In class at wet play really needing to piss
>Too shy to ask the dinner lady to go to the toilet
>Lay front down on the carpet corner and piss
>Spend the rest of lunch dry humping the carpet in an attempt to dry my soaked dungarees
Hello newfriend, how are you today?
just use > before the sentence you want to green text

>I welcome you on /b/, new member

just like that ;)
> be 8
> a girl i liked would ride her bike around my block about the same time every weekend
> wait for her one day looking out my bathroom window
> see her and want to impress her
> i drink a lot of polo cologne
> thought i would smell good
> taste like shit
> spaz out and couldn't get the taste out my mouth for days
> only saw her outside a few times after that
I did it for the lols.
Still a giggle to this day ngl.

ITT: Autistic shit you did when you were a teen
>this thread is autistic
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I've done some pretty autistic shit too.

>be me, 19 years old
>betafag working at a supermarket
>on my shift one day, sitting in the staff room on my break
>wearing old pants and belt which felt too tight
>undo belt and pants so it doesn't dig into my waist
>cute girl walks in who I'd been talking to recently
>walks up and talks to me, notices my undone pants and belt
>'Anon what?'
>She walks out, I feel bad
I've been lurking /b/ for 7 years. I've never bothered to learn.
Too fucking many.

>asked out a girl on a pencil
>etched in "will you go to the dance with me" in ink

>bros with history teacher
>he tells us some Confucius says jokes
>we print out like 10 fucking pages and bring them to school every day for no reason what so ever

>play Runescape
>girl and I "fall in love"
>shitty cell phones back then
>sends me pic of her tits
>friend steals phone and sees them "Dude why do you have a picture of your moms tits on here?"

>cybering girl on Runescape
>accidentally sent it to real life friend

I mean seriously. How the fuck did I get out without killing myself.
how'd you figure that one out?
>be 16ish
>math class
>feel anal pressure
>ask to go to bathroom
>walk towards wrong bathroom, it's girls bathroom, can't do that shit mang security
>walk like 30 yards before i get to mens bathroom
>feel it coming in my pants
>too late

i end up throwing away my underwear in the garbage can
I had my moments

>be 16
>have friend Anon over, she was 6/10, but a horny slut
>been dating for a few weeks now
>Sexual tension between us is unbearable
>making out in bed, ask her if she wants to fuck
>she says yes
>lay her down on my bed and take jeans off
>can't slip it in, not hard for some reason
>ask her to get on top
>she does
>pussy so tight, like a field mouse
>for some retarded reason I ask if she wants to stop
>glares down at me and hops off
>watched "What Happens in Vegas" until her mom picks her up
>It literally takes one Google search
>implying it isn't obvious how you would do it
>be awkward fat kid
>go to restroom to piss
>piss on bottom of t shirt
>tuck t shirt into sweatpants
>no one will ever know
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>be 17
>cute little girl a year younger than me is into me
>for what reason I have no idea
>waaaay out of my league
>sneak over to her house constantly
>make out
>one day she gets hot as hell
>mounts me
>starts to take off shirt and bra
>"wait, stop."
>"don't you like me anon?"
>"Yeah, I just... respect you too much."
>broke up with her the next week
and that kids, is how I defended my virginity until college

i dont know how to make webcams, but greentext is fucking easy mate
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>be me
>be in 8th grade
>beta as fuck
>sit next to hot girl
>fap every break to stop my raging boner
>one day toilets are out of order
>cant fap as usual
>have a raging boner in class
>hot girl doesnt notice
>start to fap under the table
>hot girl still doesnt notice
>take my dick out
>still no one notices
>continue fapping
>feeling good
>suddenly teacher calls my name
>dont know what to do
>jump to my feet
>dick is sticking out of my pants
>i cum on the table
>scream "i was fuck!"
>hot girl next to me is screaming
>whole class and teacher look at me
>the whole classroom is filled with spaghetti
>i pretend to faint
>teacher calls an ambulance
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>Be a kid, 10 or so.
>Had the flu.
>No idea what fap is like.
>Watch American Pie.
>Masturbation scene.
>Go to bathroom.
>Masturbate furiously.
>Tini tiny drop of cum comes out of my dick.
>mfw when I thought cum was phlegm leaving my body through my dick.
confirmed underage b&
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>be 17
>be at barber shop
>getting hair cut (obviously)
>get a seat
>about 50 year old man sits next to me
>he's bald wearing a wig
>he said "haha, you look like justin bieber son"
>"at least I have hair you bald bastard"
>his smile dies off
>he starts tearing
>turns out he had cancer
>owner of the barber shop tells me to leave
>i left

Made me stop talking to strangers
lol this sounds a lot like me at school.
this girl Hannah who sat in front of me on the school bus, she was a year below me, i was like 15/6 her 14/5, I had only ever kissed 1 girl, and never even been remotely involved with anyone at secondary school - too awkward. so i was too nervous to do anything, even i thought she was beautiful.

fast forward 2 years and she's the hottest chick in school with older guys falling at her feet and i missed out because i was a pussy self-conscious virgin
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>be 11ish
>want pp sucky long time
>lightbulb, make dog lick po
>oh hey peanut butter wait no i'll use FUCKING TOBASCO SAUCE
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My first date

>be 16
>Crush 15
>both akward as fuck
>first relationship for both of us
>decide to watch a movie at my place
>she comes home
>says hi to parents
>go into my room
>dvd control out of batteries
>"be right back"
>find batteries
>She brought her favorite film
>Grown ups 1
>I've only seen the trailer, looked fun
>be exited as fuck
>she promises that it's great
>watch it
>poo,fart,short,fat jokes etc
>we sometimes mutter a fake laugh
>watch the entire thing
>afterwards we just sit in silence
>she takes up her phone and starts doing stuff
>I don't have a phone at the time
>just sit in my chair like an idiot for 40 min straight waiting for her parents to come pick her up
>she says "why be single?"
>"let's just do it"
>we gf n bf now
>palms starts sweating
>"Sooo, maybe there's something I have the permission to do now when you're my girlfriend "wink"
>the amount of confusion on her face
>"Um no there isn't"
>her parents arrive
>I give her a awkward "hoover hug"
>she leaves
>see later on her FB "Happy :D <3
> I post something about getting up early the next morning to change tires
Fuckin lek
>be me, on bus at night coming home from community college
>be in back of bus, eavesdropping on some spics
>they're talking about youngbloods
>say, "yeah, but youngbloods aren't official."
>everything goes silent
>they all look at me
>"...at least, that's what my friend in blood says."
>get off bus
>be at outdoor school in 6th grade
>to afraid to use the bathroom for some reason
>hold shit in for days
>finally becomes to much to handle
>go to bathroom, pull down pants, realize that my underwear is filled with shit
>take the biggest shit of my life
>dont change underwear
>go sleep in a tent with 4 other boys, smelling like shit the whole time
i didnt realize until later that this was bad
african plz go
>be 9
>going to a trip with the class
>we arrive at a park with a playground
>everybody is having fun
>I have to pee
>ask where the toilet is
>place is huge as fuck
>took me 10min to find it
>about to open the door
>feel how my jeans get wet

I don't even know how I tried to hide it
You win
lost my shit, i think the cat picture did alot
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Alpha as fuck.

>"haha, you look like justin bieber son"

I can't imagine a worse insult. I would have gone and contracted herpes then fucked his wife if someone ever said that to me.
I used to use water bottles to jerk off with when I was like 10

I have no idea why
too much cock/girl ratio
>be 7
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Here's my awkward story

>be me, 21
>get invited to a dubstep party
> for some reason decide that going in dress pants, shirt, leather shoes and a big fancy coat will be cool
>feel super awkward between these niggers in sports clothes and nikes and shit and awkwardly dance before leaving before 12

i cringe thinking about it. What the fuck was wrong with me.
>Be 8 or 9 or some shit
>Visiting family 1000 miles away in Louisiana
>Down in the bayou near swamps
>There are millions of these tiny ass frogs in the yard, like half an inch long.
>I catch at least 1000 and put them in a paper bag
>Go inside and release them in the bathroom, turn the tub and shower on to make a little pond for them.
>Tub overflows and gets water EVERYWHERE
>I learn later they had to redo their ceiling due to water damage
>The frogs escape and go everywhere, my uncle is fucking pissed.

Thats not all folks!

>They're bragging on this brand new carpet they just got, very expensive.
>I would sit on stairs and use my legs to pull myself down one step at a time. It was just some stupid game I did with no point
>They fed me gumbo and jambalaya for the 1st time
>It's tearing up my gut but continue to do the stairs game
>Feel a fart coming on and let it all out.
>It was really a shart, spray it all over my pants
>Continue with the stairs game, smear shit all over new carpet.
>They catch me and flip the fuck out
>Dude wants to beat me senseless.
>My dad and my uncle almost come to blows, I'm just laughing the whole time.
>Never aloud in that house again.
>Have to stay at hotel for the rest of the trip.

shit we got some oc autism here
>be 15
I wish I would have said something like
>"haha that's why I'm here sir"

I couldn't sleep that night.
Fuck that guy. You did nothing wrong.
its okay at least you have hair

>be me 7th grade
>class gets an english assignment to write poem about your best friend
>raise hand
>yes, anon
>"what if you dont have any friends"
>why would I ever admit to that in the first place and why would I ask in front of my whole class
>continue having a conversation in front of class on what I could write my poem about
>list included my pets and family members
>shutter when I look back on my awkward years
Fuck greentext on phone
Be me in kindergarten
We had this play house thing
Im the only kid perverted enough to ask girls to pull down their panties for me
They did as i asked
Stuck my tiny dick in them, but not really, it would never go in
I would hug them from behind all the time
Funny as fuck whe the side of the house fell over and the teacher seen my tiny dick
Sara's fucking bra doe.
>i'm in boarding school
>at the age discovering masterbating
>always jack of in my room (with stuffed animals didn't know porn existed)
>it's like 12 o'clock
>cum for the first time
>my room leads to a hallway with all the other rooms, the bathroom is in the hallway
>leave my room walk through the hallway naked with my stiff dick covered in cum
>there is like 6 people standing outside of there room
>walk past them like nothings up
>they all look at me with gaping mouth and eyes wide open
>wash myself of
>go back to room
>no one ever talked about it to me
Alpha as all fuck
I like to imagine that you weren't actually a kindergarten kid, and was just one of the teachers.
Ikr so alfa ;o
>be 13
>Mom just married my step-dad
>playing volleyball with the family after the ceremony
>everyone is talking shit trying to psych the other team out
>mom is on other team
>asks me when I plan on hitting puberty
>everyone laughs
>I fake a laugh with half smile
>yell back at her "hey mom, how deep is your rectum?"
>everyone gives me a blank stare for a solid 10 seconds
>why the fuck did I just ask that...
>walk away completely embarrassed
>make webcams
my sides
be 17 grade 12 sitting in physics class currently failing rea this laugh out lou during lesson everyones spagetti
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>faggot's been here seven years.
>faggot makes b8
>i fall for it
>mfw i fall fur da b8 and can't greentext either
What a shitty thing to say. Who would think that's a compliment?
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Pic related

yeah, you also must be failing english
> be horny 13-15 year old
> spend a lot of time finding girls online to camsex with
> sometimes succeed
> often fail
> sometimes find girls who are willing to watch and tell me what to do, but not go on cam themselves
> sometimes they ask me to show my butthole
> think that's a bit odd, but kinky is hot
> years later realize what was going on
>be 7
>me and my same aged mate were in my sisters bedroom
>decide to undress her barbie dolls
>instincts kick in and we are soon smooshing our tiny flaccid dicks into the smooth groin of these naked doll
>footsteps coming down the hall
>shove docks back in our power rangers pants
>sister finds us surrounded by naked barbie dolls
>she tells everyone what we di
>she luckily had no idea that me and my perverted pal gangbanged her dolls
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There was no b8. I just didn't pay any attention. I don't even know how to triforce. Too busy fapping.
im in class atm lmao
> typing isnt EZ
Very nice try newfriend. i r8 8/8
used to do that too, but was a bit cleverer, knowing no cam = dude so i used to "pay" the girls with some "hugs" from a stupid chat to watch me cum. it was like a currency there. still beta as fuck
Gross bro
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b& or b8
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>Never aloud in that house again.
I'm 22 now, still pretta beta to an extent, but at least i dont do embarrassing things anymore.but there's way too many things to name, and I've probably repressed some. but here's a few that come to mind

>be 17
>been really trying for the past year to get first gf
>at the end of 11th grade, start talking to a qt 8/10 from the next town over via facebook
>hang out a few times, act weird as fuck to hide how awkward i am (still use that tactic to this day)
>she thinks its cute
>eventually we kiss and we're "dating"
>basically tell her every single thing about my life and go full fedora telling her about how ive tried forever to get a gf and shes the first one to accept
>this goes on for a week and i keep telling her dumb shit like that
>not surprisingly she breaks up with me
>im devastated, post depressing shit on facebook every day for like 6 months

>start talking to new girl on facebook, friend of a friend, 7-8/10
>she was a super feminist vegan but this was 2009 before SJW was a big thing
>gives me first bj (only good thing about this relationship)
>acts like a supercunt 24/7, bosses me around, makes me buy her things even though she had a job and i didnt, and afterward she would talk about how independent she was
>i put up with it because i know i cant get any other women to like me
>cheats on me and tells me about it, bothers me a lot but i forgive her
>tells me we're in an open relationship so she can feel less guilty
> uh ok.jpg
>gets an std from a stranger and blames me, even though we never had sex
>eventually dumps me because im a doormat and she gets sick of me
>afterward, i try to talk to her all the time and try to get back with her, but it doesnt work

to be continued
> pay girls with hugs?

but hey, i'll never forget the image in my mind of a drunk teenage girl sitting on her kitchen top dildoing herself with a hairbrush while on her period

he first time i ever even tried to camsex and it also happened to succeed
Hahaha I remember you posting this in that barber shop stories thread a few days ago, still made me kek. Stupid fucking asshole deserved it though, if he's gonna insult you he better be able to take the same fucking insult.



wizardchan is -> that way
God damn, what's wrong with you
I've done stupid shit in relationships, but never this. Thank you for giving me confidence in myself again.
So did you win?
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that first one... can feel you bro
that second one... wow full beat
it was like a currency there... it then said like "your account has 20 hugs" if you give someone a hug he has 1 and you 19 left
Look at this cool guy
oh boy...
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>be me
>be 15
>girlfriend in my bed
>she offers blowjob
>too paranoid of parents coming in
>too pussy to actually whip it out also
>say i'd rather have sex first
>she doesn't seem as affectionate after that day
>we breakup a few months later
>mfw i realize how much of a fucking retard i was
>Be me, 20, visiting the US for the first time
>Been shopping for 5+ hours
>Fucking huge mall. Can't find a bathroom and I really need yo shit.
>After running around for 20 minutes, enter a Target store.
>Finally take a huge shit. So relieved.
>Somebody gets in the stall next to mine.
>Fucking weirdo wearing high sandals
>Brain loading 70%
>Wonder how girly my shoes look.
>Pretty unisex, but oversized.
>Wait until it sounds clear.
>Run outside in 3... 2... 1...
>Stumble upon the janitor at full speed right in the exit.
>Just yell sorry and keep running
>be 16
>talking to alright girl, could do better
>was just looking to mess around, nothing serious
>One day at my house, asks me "aren't you going to ask me out?"
>feel awkward pressure
>ask her out because how bad can it be
>it's fucking terrible, think she might be bi-polar, super happy half the time, super bitchy the other half
>stuck in relationship for over a year
>broke up with her about 7 months in but she made me feel so bad that I took her back
>mfw that was a huge mistake and immediately regretted it
>mfw no face
>can't break up with her without guilt
>always cheated on her guilt free, including threesome
An old man who knows that Justin Beiber is popular with young people. Seriously, it's like some of you think everyone has the same pool of knowledge.
nice lol, cringed while reading
mah nigga
why would this crush her so much?
>end of senior year
>one of my good pals finally starts dating a girl that he's had a crush on for 5 years, superqt 8-9/10
>the three of us hang out a few times, good times
>after a few weeks, they break up for whatever reason
>she starts talking to me on facebook frequently
>eventually the two of us start hanging out
>she comes on to me hardcore
>really dont want to go through with it because i dont want to disrespect my buddy
>on the other hand, i never talk to hot girls, so its too hard to resist
>end up dating girl for 1.5 years, pretty good times for the most part
>lost my v to this girl
>stopped talking to my friend, feels batman
>everything is going milhouse until one day she tells me she has feelings for a classmate, and she wants to act on them
>asks to go on a break
>my dumbass no confidence self obliges
>she fucks around with him for a few weeks, i sit at home playing gamecube
>get back together and dont really talk about it
>few months later she dumps me for an ugly guy with no job, greasy hair, bad acne, a son, the guy who plays acoustic guitar at parties
>get super depressed, contemplate committing sushi etc
>try to talk to her all the time to get back together, doesnt work
>In power mechanics class
>teacher singles me out cause I'm an autist and hyperactive
>tells me to go ask the janitor for a "bucket of steam"
>I ask janitor (who is aware of this well done prank) and tells me to ask other teachers who are aware of the prank as well.
>walk around for 45 minutes going class to class asking for a bucket of steam.
>come back and tell the teacher I looked everywhere and couldn't find any
>everyone in the class laughs at me uncontrollably for 2 minutes straight, the teacher fells sorry for me and gives me a passing grade D.

I have my shit together nowdays but this shit still makes me cringe.
I don't know how I had the balls to do this.

>be 12ish
>sister has her mate sleeping over
>they are sleeping
>I can't sleep, I just watched eurotrash l
>knowing her friend is in the house just turned me into a reckless perv for some reason.
>I strip naked
>get a boner
>slip a sock over my clock and balls
>go tip toeing around the house towards her
>anyone could have got up to pee and I would have had nowhere to hide
>I go into the room
> I stand there and look at her for a minute
>then tip toe back to my cum stained room.

>one logical human being in the entirety of 4chan
>always did this until i saw a fart
>never saw a fart
>be 14-15 can't exactly remember
>back in the day before everyone had cell phones
>everyone passes letters written in gel pens between class
>talking to this brunette chick in my tennis class, solid 8.5/10 I'm a beta 5/10
>always hands me a letter that begins with "wassup ^ v :) or :(?" lolwut...
>tells me she wants to give me something after school
>tell her I can't after school because I ride the bus home and that she should just give it to me during class
>"skip tennis and I'll give it to you behind the gym"
>decline her offer saying I'll get in trouble if I get caught skipping and tell her to just give it to me during practice
>completely obvious that she wants the D until years later after I've already moved out of my parents house and I'm packing up my shit and I'm going through my old box of letters and pictures for nostalgia
This chick was practically throwing her pussy at me and I wish I could have gone back in time and throat punched myself
Pretty much just no confidence when i was that age
Like I said I'm still a beta, but i wouldn't even think about doing this shit now
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>be 8ish
>share bedroom with my brother
>sisters always in shower
>non-stop showering
>tfw no toilet
>had a bag which i would pee in
>pee in bag for about 5 weeks
>hide it under my bed
>one day brother finds bag
>doesn't know what it is
>he gets a knife and stabbed it
>piss everywhere
Been lurking for ages, first time posting story.
> be 16
> on the way back from college
> girl sits next to me
> looks tired as fuck
> Falls asleep with her head resting on the back of chair
> bus turns harshly
> her head smacks my head
> her head lands in my crouch
> I get a boner
> didn't want to wake her because it would be awkward as fuck
> i kinda grind my dick against her head (dick in my jeans)
> my stop
> i pick up her head of crouch, place it on the seat, rearrange my junk
> walk home.
he must've been pretty pissed
You'll fit right in
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Fuck you too. Is that what you kids say these days?
>Be me
>First grade
>Didn't want to ask teacher to go to bathroom
>Pupils weren't usually allowed to go during lessons anyways
>I had the urge to urinate all the time
>Gently let out all my urine
>Did this in every class, every lesson
>All the chairs that I sat on smelled like piss
>Would shit myself sometimes too
>Pants would be soaked all day every day
>might be bi-polar
>super happy half the time
>super bitchy the other half
>implying every woman isn't like this
>be around 5th or 6th grade
>be me
>hugely fat cousin Lester comes to visit me from shithole homeland
>decide to show him what a cool american I am
>the prettiest girl in school lived a few blocks away and didn't like me
>convince Lester the molester to come with me so I can introduce them and eat a chance to talk to cute girl
>we show up at her front door when it's dark out
>her father comes to the door
>is Anne here
>2 pudgy mexican looking kids 1 dressed like homeless fat Albert
>Anne shows up, my babby penor is diamonds
>Anne this is my cousin Lester
>oh ok..
>5 years pass waiting in silence
>finally leave and I why for the rest of my life
net letting first graders use the bathroom is just cruel. sounds made up btw
agree with this.

my grandfather is bipolar and he goes from buying a new car, asking his 30 year old neighbour to marry him and going to college bars ...to not even being able to make himself a meal so his brother or my mum have to go round and make his food
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>Would shit myself sometimes too

my sides
>Seriously, it's like some of you think everyone has the same pool of knowledge.
whoa slow down there.

knowledge comes in pools now?
I went to a Russian school for half a year.
Be me 12 Years old
> Full premium cable in my room
> 1045 at night Cinemax turns on the soft core porn
> One night some porn parody of Indiana Jones
> AlrightAlrightAlright.jpeg
> Pop a bone three minutes into the movie
> I start rubbing down there
> FeelsReallyFuckingGood.jpeg
> Start rubbing harder
> Move into different postions like I see on TV
> Bout to cum, never had this happen before
> OhhFuckHereItIs.Mov
> Tiniest drip of cum comes out of my 12 year old dick
> Dick still rock hard
> "Did I do it right? Maybe I have to stick it in something that isn't attached to me"
> Look around my room for something to put my dick in
> Glass snapple bottle, perfect
> Again mimicking what I see on tv, i start fucking the bottle
> FuckingHurtsButFeelsGood.flv
> Start going to town fucking this bottle to the best of my ability
> Going to release again
> Stand up with bottle on dick ready for it
> Little cum this time but start pissing like crazy into the bottle
> Figure fuck might as well finish peeing in the bottle
> No more bone
> Keep watching horrible Indiana Jones Parody
> 10 minutes go by
> Pop another bone
> Well fuck I don't wanna touch my dick since their was piss and cum on it still,
> Snapple bottle half full with puss cum mix
> Decision Time
> Go downstairs in front of parents or empty the snapple bottle
> Remember Dodge ball the movie
> "It's Sterile and I like the taste"
> Fuck it if that guy does it so can I
> Drink whole bottle one shot, almost throw up
> Dick still hard so I'm gonna earn my reward for drinking my piss
> Go through whole ordeal again
> Nothing comes out this time
> Figure I'll try again tomorrow

I wish I could tell you I threw away the bottle in the morning, I wish I could tell you it didn't take me a month to do it,

To this day I can't watch Indiana Jones or that parody, Drink snapple or quote dodgeball
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okay. i believe every word you say. my gfs family is from russia
>Be me
>Just earlier this week
>Playing card game with friends in study hall
>The game is called Egyptian Rat Screw
>Look it up if you don't know what it is you faggot
>Everyone places number cards for 20 or so turns
>Finally 2 Jacks
>Friend slaps it before everyone else
>I scream a weird sounding scream and everyone hears it and just looks at us
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>be me in 4th grade
>whole class is suppose to play bingo
>i was the one picking the numbers
>not knowing how bingo works
>sweating hard
>tell the teacher i need to go to the toilet
>wait there till the class is over
>mfw everyone was waiting 40 mins for me
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>Now, this is a story all about how
>My life got flipped-turned upside down
>And I'd like to take a minute
>Just sit right there
>I'll tell you how I became the prince of a town called Bel Air
>In west Philadelphia born and raised
>On the playground was where I spent most of my days
>Chillin' out maxin' relaxin' all cool
>And all shootin some b-ball outside of the school
>When a couple of guys who were up to no good
>Started making trouble in my neighborhood
>I got in one little fight and my mom got scared
>She said 'You're movin' with your auntie and uncle in Bel Air'
>I begged and pleaded with her day after day
>But she packed my suit case and sent me on my way
>She gave me a kiss and then she gave me my ticket.
>I put my Walkman on and said, 'I might as well kick it'.
>First class, yo this is bad
>Drinking orange juice out of a champagne glass.
>Is this what the people of Bel-Air living like?
>Hmmmmm this might be alright.
>But wait I hear they're prissy, bourgeois, all that
>Is this the type of place that they just send this cool cat?
>I don't think so
>I'll see when I get there
>I hope they're prepared for the prince of Bel-Air
>Well, the plane landed and when I came out
>There was a dude who looked like a cop standing there with my name out
>I ain't trying to get arrested yet
>I just got here
>I sprang with the quickness like lightning, disappeared
>I whistled for a cab and when it came near
>The license plate said fresh and it had dice in the mirror
>If anything I could say that this cab was rare
>But I thought 'Nah, forget it' - 'Yo, homes to Bel Air'
>I pulled up to the house about 7 or 8
>And I yelled to the cabbie 'Yo homes smell ya later'
>I looked at my kingdom
>I was finally there
>To sit on my throne as the Prince of Bel Air

I went to several schools in Russia and none of them had that kind of shit.
thanks for your input
fuck you... gets me every time
And when he just wanted to compliment him? I mean he's old and it could be possible he heard from Justin Bieber and that every girl gets wet because of him. And then he just tried to be polite and friendly.
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> underage b&
willst du mich knuddeln?
>fuck bottle
>piss in bottle
>drink from bottle
Thank you, I'll be here all night /b/ros
/knuddel MRfSbg9a
ist das immer noch das pedoparadies? war da ewig nicht mehr
So much shit.

>be me 17
>hot read head girl begging for the dick
>I don't realize it
>she says her parents are gone for the weekend and wants me to come over.
>she literally puts my hand down her panties on her soaked vagina and is like "I want you right fucking now"
>and I'm like "I want you too (: "
Wtf how did I not get this am I literally retarded?
>she broke up with me next week
>good for her
Running away from my former self inspires me to be better.

Still pissed I passed up redhead pussy.
>hot read head girl begging for the dick
>hot read head
>read head
i know that feel bro
ohh kein plan, ich war selbst nie angemeldet. ich weiß noch, dass meine mutter meinen schwestern riesenstress gemacht hat als sie rausgefunden hat, dass die da drauf sind

>Be 12
> Brother gets new girlfriend
> I decide that I will never use the bathroom when she is over because autism
> My parents would force my brother's girlfriend to go on a walk whenever I needed the bathroom
> She moves in
> Hold in Shit for about a week because she doesn't want to go on forced late night walks
zurecht vermutlich. ich glaube da waren mehr pedos als jugendliche... ich denke auch, dass die seite mich zu dem perversen gemacht hat, der ich heute bin xD (kein pedo sondern anderer shit)
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>be me
>be 15
>after class go to talk to bro teacher
>some senior talking to teacher about his job
>says how packed they were last night
>I say ya so was your mom
>he gives a half some and jokingly says thems fighting words
>teachers like ya them is fighting words
>kid walks away
>teachers face changes instantly
>tells me his mom died last year
>oh fuck!
>run up to him tell him I'm sorry
>says it's cool I didint know but can tell he's kind if hurt
>feel like shit for rest of the day

the next year I went to vocational school have him in the class im taking turns out he went there for 2 years this is his last one hes best friends with the teachers he talks mad shit to the teachers all the teachers hate me and fuck with me for the rest of my time there

also trailer park boys for life
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Dat feel /b/ro.
>Walking across school with friend in lunch time.
>A hot girl I never talked to says "Hello" and stares at me.
>I say hello, and chat for about 5 minutes.
> After the ring, we are about to say goodbye and she tries to kiss my check and I violently dodge her kiss
>She asked me why, and I told I did not kissed girls I did not know, nor in the cheek because I respected them.
your brother's girlfriend moved in with your entire family?
here's another gem i just remembered
>be middle school
>family didnt have a dog but I loved playing with my grandparents' rottweiler
>at school i would talk about "maggie" all the time and tell my people that she was my girlfriend

My brother was about 18 at the time and couldn't afford rent until like a year later
her family were okay with her just moving in with another family?
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Take all of my internets
>too much respect
>too many fedoras
They didn't seem to mind
Lucy o'hara

Shit u not.
Congrats bud, that's copypasta now.
> be me 19
> pretty good with girls by this point
> autist shit creeping back into my life
> uni holidays, staying at friends house at beach
> watching movie with him, his sister (9/10), his sisters friend (5/10)
> hook up with his sister while he hooks up with the friend.
> both girls virgins
> find out the friend wants me to take her virginity
> find out the sister also wants this
>playing mario kart at night
> my friend goes to sleep
> Me and girls in underwear in living room
> "Well I better go to bed"
> mfw i dont do either of them

WTF I was getting regular pussy by this point.. wtf was I thinking
chris from skins gen 1?
holy fuck dude this is either crazy b8 or you're actually fucking 12.
>be kindergarten
>learned masturbating early
>would fondle my flacid uncut cock until orgasm
>decide to do it in class one day
>literally finished 5 times before recess
>go for recess, come back
>start going at it again
>notice teacher staring at me
>asks me to come over here
>walk over to her still playing with my flacid cock
>"stop doing that anon, and never do it again"

What the fuck is wrong with me
>be me, about 12
>dress really nice, going to some fancy dinner with family
>breath smells like cheese and dry mouth
>get some cologne and use it as mouth spray
>tastes like satan
>spray again for extra good smell

Only later did I find out there was a difference between cologne and breath spray.
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>be me 8th grade
>last day of school
>sitting with 6/10 gf in cafeteria me being not so much beta but just fucking stupid
>friends across table say "anon snort this crystal light powder!"
>feel like itll make me look cool for my gf
>snort it all, get massive headache and runny nose and dizzy from coughing so much
>walking to next class gf goes "anon are you ok?"
>"yeah just a runny nose haha!"
>blow snot rocket out left nostril
>wad of fresh lemon flavored mucus lands on gfs ankle
>look up at her, she didnt even notice
>proceed to piss my pants laughing, gf keeps askin what im laughing at
>"nothin just a joke i heard today"


>years later we see eachother in high school (small shit town)
>talk to her, tell her the story
>she thinks its gross as hell
>still asks for the D again in high school via dumb scene girl texts
>date again for a year in 10th grade then she leaves me for a band geek faggot with a deaf ear

i have loads of em
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happened a few years ago, still autism
>last time kissed a girl when I was 13
>did this home party, some alpha cool popular guys came by
>party was good as fuck, about 10g of weed, 50 bottles of vodka and more than 100 beers
>after weekend in school, all cool kids said shit like ''wazup, invite me when u do that party again bro!''
>2 weeks after party
>about to get drunk and high with 3 friends at the house of one of them
>friend tells my ''we invited this (lets call her Monica) Monica bitch and her friend and few girls'' a day before party
>Monica was like a one of the hottest girls in town, huge boobs, blonde, nice eyes, slutty, really slutty
>Also friend tells me that Monica was talking about me(I didn't knew her then) that everyone says i'm pretty cool, I must be so funny and shit like that
>The only girls I had a closer relations was a friendzones, nothing more
>party day, this Monica bitch is really fucking nice to me(i'm don't look like George Clooney btw)
>She's pretty drunk
>asks me if I want a bj in toilet
>hell yeah
>start sucking her boobs and play with nipples
>touch her pussy, then she goes down
>after a really good bj she wants to kiss me(she swallowed)
>I kiss her, then realize she just had my cum in her mouth
>puke her tits, face and legs(I was pretty drunk then)
>she runs of screaming
>tells everyone about that(she didn't included BJ and sucking boobs in her story)
>be a faggot known as a ''puker'' till I moved out
Fucking Kek.
Lost my shit so hard.
Gentleman. A word of advice. From an oldfag.
Fuck them.
Date them casually.
Just don't fall for them hardcore.
No bitch under 30 knows what they wants so you'll never be able to please them.
Your 20s are for playing the field and figuring out who the fuck you are.
Marry a chic in your 20s and you'll regret it.
Did you ever shart yourself in homeroom? This sounds too much like Bryan.
thanks Mr. Fedora
>Contemplating sushi
Oh god my sides
>About 14
>Want to look cool
> Decide to gel my hair
> Go into bathroom
> See first thing with gel on it and start rubbing it into my hair like crazy
> Get to school
> Teachers take me out of class and ask what's in my hair
> Turned out to be shaving gel
at least you got there..

Thank you, thank you, I laughed very loudly at that.

>6th grade, meet friends who like adult swim so we chill
>turns out theyre as fucking psychotic as i am
>one day we use the bathroom together, me and 3 other mates
>friend pisses in storm drain, we think its funny as fuck
>i piss all over bathroom mirror, other friends piss on shit like the toilet paper and the sink handles
>mfw my whole 6th grade year was trying to find the funniest places to piss with 3 other boys
>one day on a pissing swashbuckle my friend goes "anon check it out"
>i turn the corner of a stall and see him pantsless and laughing his ass off
>he was shitting in the urinals
>look over, other friends shitting in urinals
>i get grossed out as fuck, throw up on the floor
>one friend gets squeamish from my puking and goes and throws up in a stall
>we get the fuck out of there still laughing from it
>next week is an assembly about how "some misbehaving students have been defiling the bathrooms with their waste"
>it was us

the shit ive done has had like 3 assemblies called but ive never been caught before for any of it
>party was good as fuck
>10g of herbage
Newfag detected.
if you took molly, it would've been completely normal
>Lester the molester
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