I'm a little worried something is wrong with me. I don't know if I'm depressed, a psychopath, or just think too god damn much about this stuff. My life is on a good track now, I have a future, girls are really interested in me, I'm in great shape, I've got a silver tongue and know exactly what to say (most of the time), I have a good job (for a college student) and like my co workers, and I'm usually a pretty calm and level headed guy unless I've been drinking. I don't want children because I want to retire asap, and wouldn't marry someone unless we were on the same page financially. But sometime I think about the future, and just want to kill myself because I don't really see the point. I meet plenty of attractive girls, sometimes I have feelings for them, but it always passes after about a week. I'm not even sure I'm capable of actually caring about people. I don't really feel much of anything other than anger and sadness occasionally. I mean I'm only scratching the surface, I've done some cold shit in my life. Other than personal shame based on past mistakes or misdeeds, I really don't have a reason to feel so empty. I have no desire to do anything at all.
i just go day by day, while knowing what i want to achieve later in life. im always questioning if ill kill myself when im old - and likely will. Just ride it out man, it's a better life than a lot of others.
>>569110841 >>569111356 Found a girl that's perfect for me. Just made plans to spend the whole weekend screwing. Still feel like shit. Life is a pain in the ass, hope I don't wake up tomorrow. We must be triplets
I'm with you on most of this. I think it may be a lack of some overarching personal drive, want or desire we have to work for. Do what others expect, follow the guide to life, say this, don't say that, be this to get this or that. All this crap flung at you, for what? To make you forget that you are selling everything you are to gain what they drill into you to want or tell you you need. Women, cars, money, power, fame, glory, a career, clothes, happiness. Why are all the things we pursue so damn superficial?
>>569111613 I was stoned for like three straight months this summer, I quit because it just made things worse. >>569111579 That's usually the conclusion that I come to >>569111153 I've tried, but I don't know if my standards are too high, if I'm looking in the wrong places, if I've just got bad luck, or if I just have a shitty personality and anyone I would enjoy being around stays away from me. Plus I don't really want to settle for less, I won't hang around a girl unless shes attractive enough.
>>569111356 >>569111539 >>569111579 try to meet people smarter than you. you're probably all bored by being able to silvertongue your way through life, and you wonder if the ease you have means life is something in which it's not worthwhile to participate. >get mentally stimulated
>>569112145 Honestly finding a smart, attractive, girl is damn near impossible. I've got friends who I consider to be as smart or smarter than me, same with a brother. But I haven't really met a girl who I've felt that way about. I can't really seem to find someone I really connect with, and it leads me to think that maybe I'm just meant to be alone. I've just been in a blank state for so god damn long, I don't want it to effect my judgement and get me involved with a shitty girl.
Happiness is not something you chase, though. Its an emotion on par with anger, sadness, lust, anxiety and so on. I would feel pity for anyone who is happy all the time, same for someone who is angry, anxious or lustful all the time.
You might just have to redefine what you actually want, instead of just saying "To be happy" and looking for it in others.
So, what is it you really fucking want? I'll tell you mine; To really fucking want something, to want it so badly that I would move heaven and earth to obtain it. I want to feel that passion, at least once in my life.
ive dated dumb girls ard it's never enough to satisfy you. it sucks because we wont ever find anyone worthy of our time. we'll be forever stuck in our own heads even when we are with them. they wouldn't understand why we dont have an easy time caring and having meaning in the world.
Dr. Niles Crane speaking. Look OP, the problem may not be so much that you don't appreciate things but rather your reflecting on your past and in the furthest reaches of the back of your mind you are thinking that you are destined to life you can't enjoy. I think that what you may need to do is talk to a real life person and not us. This is too easy. It seems like what you do is too easy. Not wanting things that most people want isn't abnormal or anything. You aren't incapable of being your own person and still enjoying life. If you truely think you are then really OP how long has this been going on?
>>569113461 I'm never going to feel passion about my career. Our options are too limited with the economy being so shitty. I merely want to retire early, which would lead to the closet thing to "happiness" that I will ever experience. At least then I can be left alone to drink and smoke myself to an early grave or hook myself up to some life support system and life out the rest of my days in a virtual reality. That's what I want. Finding a girl is a short term thing for me, I'm not stupid enough to think that love is real and that I'll be able to settle for one person my whole life.
>>569113261 Neet I'm CS at MIT. Have you tried meeting girls in your department / math / science general? Might be fun to lose at what you're good at.
Otherwise, maybe a better bet for you would be finding someone intensely good at writing. Poetry /literary analysis /humanities focused girls will come preloaded with answers to life's persistent questions, hopefully some of which you haven't thought of.
>>569110841 I think theres a misconception where people except to find fulfillment from outside things but really it's all a mental state you can teach yourself to be happy but you have to want to if you only see the worst aspects of everything how can you expect to ever be happy? you have to change your attitude,
stop worrying about the future so much, live in the moment. learn to appreciate what you got going for you right now instead of just going through the motions. like the ends justify the means no, in life the mean is everything because you know what the end is? death. nothing.
it's also different for everyone I have no business telling you what will make you happy because ultimately it's up to you hell, maybe you dont want to be happy I dont think theres anything wrong with that
So what you want is freedom, through escape if possible. But to what end? You only mentioned the destruction of yourself. If you weren't limited by the economy or no longer even cared about being broke as shit, what would you be doing right now instead of what you are doing right now?
And no one said shit about wanting what other people tell you to want or expect (love, LTRs, soul mates). Anyone who tells you what to want or do is someone who is poisoned and has turned to poisoning.
>>569114167 Well maybe its time you do? If you keep up this roll over and die attitude then you aren't going to really get anywhere. All jokes aside, I'm an alcoholic. Did the whole party life away thing for a while and it was fun for a while but then you start wanting to live again. Don't go through what I've been through m8
>>569114053 >attractive girls >in math/science Jokes aside, they're pretty few and far between where I am. Maybe at school like MIT they're more common, but down here most of the girls are fucking psychology majors looking for their MRS degree or some other shit that would lead to them being unemployed. I met a girl at work who seemed to have her head on straight, shes pretty too. She's pre-med, and I know she'd go out with me if I asked. Plus shes pretty cold and blunt, which I like. But I'm not sure mixing work and pleasure is a good idea. But even so I'm not even sure finding a good partner would make me feel any different.
>>569114629 I would be drinking and getting high, fantasizing, and reading books. Which isn't too far off from what I do in my down time now. >>569114689 I'm more likely to withdraw completely than to go out and party a bunch. I've done it before.
I agree that the search is tough, but you might be underestimating how good finding someone can make you feel. It's sort of like when you're hungry and tired, and the smallest things bother the fuck out of you, and you can't imagine ever feeling differently, but the moment you catch up on some sleep and eat a good meal they cease to matter. More concretely, finding someone is also finding someone you can open up to. Support in real life is always better than support over the net.
>>569115827 Not bad, like I said I'm here because of location more than choice. I'm gonna try to end up somewhere better for grad school but we will see what happens. I just started getting into the meat of it anyways, did all the boring shit my first year. >>569114985 I've considered doing that but by then I'll already be old as shit anyways so it would be kind of pointless.
>>569114689 I'm this party life, I don't enjoy this anymore but, its the only thing that I have to do, unfort unfortunately I only have party friends. And also, I just meet bitchs, everytime I try to fall in love i get fuckedup.
>>569110841 Sounds like you need something to give you drive and/or get you excited. Try doing something for someone else without expectation of anything in return. Get a hobby, volunteer. I started working at a clinic and it has really put into perspective that my life is pretty good, especially in comparison to others.
>>569115827 And I guess I can see that, but even that just seems kind of pointless to me like this guy said >>569116056 I want to be with someone but I really don't want to invest time and potentially money into something that could just be a big waste. Finding someone is pretty hard, trusting them is even harder. Albeit, I realize I wont find anything meaningful unless I take risks. But still I'm too spiteful to put myself in a position where someone can come out on top over me, which is essentially what a relationship is.
>>569116901 Its called narcissism. You are an empty vessel with a big ego filling it. So big that the world and life itself feels pointless and small. In the end you're just afraid that removing all your super omnipotent self and all your rationalizations and intellectualization defenses, you're just a tiny human like every other around, or maybe tinier. And you don't want to show that to someone you might love.
>>569117123 Dr. Frasier Crane here. It sounds to me like there's actually quite a bit going on in your subconscious that you simply aren't recognizing. I'm tipped off to this by the fact that you're in total self-control until you get drunk. I take this to mean you've spent so much of your past life ignoring or repressing your emotions and problems that you no longer have the conscious ability to recognize and deal with them. You've effectively taught yourself not to feel, and now you regret it. I'm going to say this to you like i've said to plenty of other people. GET THERAPY. it doesn't mean you're crazy, it doesn't even mean there's something wrong. All it is is a person you pay to guide you through rough patches, and for the most part, they're pretty good at it. just look into it.
>>569117398 I would love to open up to someone, and realized how insignificant I was when I was sixteen years old. And where are you getting all this crap? To be honest you sound like a pretty big douchebag to me, and I'm inclined not to listen to a word you say.
>>569117793 Yeah I've been thinking that more and more lately. It would probably be the best move, and I've got insurance to pay for it so it's feasible. I just don't want to be drugged up on anything.
>>569116901 You should think about how much you actually need the money. Worst case you can go to the dumpsters behind grocery stores for food (they toss stuff between its sell by and expiration dates), and Los Angeles is warm, and you have a good bus system. More likely you'll be fine financially because of CS, and if you have money coming in, why not spend it? Seems to me fun or even the excitement of risk is worth more than dividends.
>>569117982 He's not entirely wrong. there's a difference between thinking that you are insignificant and that your pain doesn't matter, and actually putting yourself in a position to be hurt and /being ok with that/. you weigh eeverything by how you feel and how it affects /you/, when really you should recognize that the negativity inflicted on you by others is meaningless compared to what is inflicted on others by you. What happens to you does not matter. What you make happen does.
>>569118159 Trust me, drugs without therapy does nothing but make shit worse, and there's not a single decent therapist who will immediately start you off on drugs. Don't rule them out, though. I was on antidepressants for a few years in college when things got really bad for me. It's not an instant happy pill, but it does provide that little boost that helped me to cope and actually use what I learned in therapy.
>>569119002 Well when someone talks to me in that tone I'm not going to listen to a word they say. He came across as a pretentious dickhead to me. And I don't really want to alter my mental state like that every day, I don't hate myself. I really don't want to change drastically. I was a lot worse off years ago.
>>569117982 Ok then, sorry about the douchebaggery. Let's leave the 4chan's jerk approach aside and get more serious. So far i think alike to what >>569119002 is saying. You are too on the defensive against the world, and its been probably a long time since you had a significant other like a close friend or a girlfriend who you really opened to. That doesnt help at all if you're trying to achieve "happyness" or anything like that.
>>569119358 the early ones really did. the side effects were so shit compared to the purported effects, but they really have improved in the last ten years. Not to mention everyone has different brain chemistry and the neurobiologists really don't know /exactly/ whats going on in there. I went through 4 different antidepressants that were complete garbage before I found one that worked specifically for me.
>>569119529 Nigga, welcome to /b/, home of dicks. Also, don't think of it as a change in mental state, like smoking a j, it's really not as extreme as that. It just makes the emptiness seem not quite as overwhelming. I was like you in that drugs were the last last last thing i wanted to be on, but after like 3 years of therapy i was finally convinced it might help, and it did, and now i don't need them anymore.
>>569119794 They're in my life but I don't really open up to them. I never really opened up to the last girlfriend I had, it was pretty much a 100% sexual relationship on both our parts. I've got close friends but I'm not sure I could 100% open up to them, but I'm pretty open with them.
>>569110841 OP, you being emotionally detached is either the result of cold upbringing or a self-defense mechanism of detachement from emotional trauma in the past. There's literally no other possible reason for your solitude that one of those two.
Also, you seem to be way too much in your head and too controlling of personality to open up to a real relationship in which not everything is up to you.
>>569117398 Jesus Christ. This might the most relatable thread I've ever seen on /b. This whole thread describes me with creepy accuracy, and then this comment sums up what I've sort of had in the back of my mind about myself for the last year or so. Crazy stuff mans. Crazy stuff.
>>569120754 Therein lies the problem I suppose. I need to be able to trust someone fully before I'm comfortable with that. And to bring it full circle, like others have been saying, I feel like I should be able to find someone who I can talk about anything with before I take that next time. Maybe I should just take it slow in my love life. >>569120791 Closest I've been to that is telling a girl I'm depressed, and she was kinda a slut. But still it felt nice talking to her.
>>569121260 She was a massive bitch and was a pretty deplorable human being. But she was hot and had a high sex drive, so I stuck with her. It wasn't all bad, I have some happy memories and the companionship was nice, but I would have never really opened up to her completely. No I haven't discussed this with them, I wouldn't feel comfortable doing that. Letting someone be that close to me makes me uncomfortable.
>>569121268 learn how first with a therapist. for me, it actually took some practice to be able to really express myself, even to someone who was legally obligated to be trustworthy. (also notice how its easier to talk to people that you kind of have a low opinion of already, it makes whatever they say not matter as much. if she laughed at you,, you'd think 'whatever slut'. this sort of protection mechanism will alienate people you actually respect from being able to help.)
Your defenses against the world are too high. What happened that made you build a mental and emotional castle that big?
Have you ever tought that maybe you're searching for people around you (gfs, friends) that arent really the best material for having meaningful relationships? just to reassure your self-made castle as a necessary thing?
>>569121268 Look, the way I see it, it's not that much about trust. Trust is mainly based on positive experience, on others' reliability in problematic situations. Not feeling trust out of thin air is perfectly fine.
But to gain it, you have to first accept the fact that you might get hurt. And learn to shrug this off if it happens. This all will be uncomfortable to you. But there's really no other way.
>>569122536 Well my friends are great, I trust them 100% with my life and they'd have my back no matter what. I just don't want to burden them and to be honest I'm afraid to admit most of this stuff in public. I really have no idea why I am the way I am. I think it's just how I learned to cope with my emotions, I'd rather just run away than actually face them. The world is a cold place and I really don't like it, and I learned that at a young age. So I guess this is just how I developed.
>>569123986 It's a little hard to just start doing things differently when I've done the same thing for years. I've changed a lot in the last four years, and it's still hard for me to break old habits. Especially one I don't feel comfortable breaking
>>569126964 I was depressed for 12 years. There were a lot of things that changed to erase it from my life for the last 6, but prescription-grade Vitamin D, a better diet, and only watching downloaded tv helped me a lot.
>>569128997 I know you're just trying to help, but I don't think that would work for me. I have sufficient Vitamin D, my diet is healthy enough that I can't digest fast food properly, and watching downloaded TV + anime is about 80% of what I do on my downtime.
>>569132732 I see. That's understandable, I suppose. Running isn't really my thing though; I tried, but it was too boring.
I'm not sure if this is related or not, but recently I've been having these little mini-epiphanies on occasion. They're rather random, but I get the feeling they might be a little similar to what The Oatmeal comic was talking about. But it's nothing crazy like he describes it lol. For example I was taking a shower a few months ago and the sudden realization that the people around me feel and think just like I do hit me. I mean, yeah I grew up "knowing" that, but I guess it never really registered in my head. To be honest, I'm still having a little trouble coming to terms with that idea. So every now and again I'll get these little "flashes of clarity" with different thoughts and such, but a lot of times, I sort of forget that feeling of understanding... Man it's hard to articulate what I'm trying to say
The only advice I can give you is find something you enjoy, no matter how cheesy it sounds. Personally, I love mathematics and physics, for example, and I can do calculations for hours without even thinking about anything else.
Nothing wrong with you. All your needs are fulfilled and you just don't have anything special to worry about like starving to death or escaping death in a war zone. So if you don't find something that makes life more than survival it will never change and you'll probably end up poorly.
religion aside, people usually go for love or hate to keep on going. Anyway, no worries. Whatever you do, it won't change anything and you'll end up dying like everybody else. So just try your best to enjoy your short ride on that life =)
>>569140109 it's about the perception that everyone else has limited agency, because others can be seen with more clarity than the self, and because your view of others is narrow compared to your view of yourself. You only ever see a little slice of what another person's total experience is like, and you end up comparing that to the totality of your own existence. But it sounds like you're starting to grow out of that. >flashes of clarity increasing in frequency recently
Learning about thinking errors and a little basic psychology (and rigorously applying this to myself over a few years' time) has done wonders to improve my empathy towards others, among other things. >there but for the grace of god go I
>>569110841 Had pretty much the same. Couldn't feel anything, couldn't care less about anything. Ended when engaged in a relationship. I mean at first I just had to push myself cause I hated the thought of being with someone but after some time it just passed. Happy as a pig in a pile of shit, then. Left the dumb bitch but rejunevated contacts with friends and everything went indeed well from that point. Cheers.
I feel you OP, but I have no answers. It's the same for me & I've not solved it. I think it's just that once you realize life is without purpose & everything around you is processed & conditioned, you are swept up in the worst kind of apathy there is. I guess all you can do is hope to find someone who shares this point of view, that you may both enjoy one another enough to suck it up. I don't know.
Check out Leo Tolstoys 'Confessions'. Good read, not too long, straight talk. I wont explain it here, spoilers are to good, but the reason for the recommendation is that he mentioned that well adjusted people in the pime of their life, like yourself, was very prone to suicidal tendencies like himself. Im sure you'll like it, you sound to be in the samr position as the writer
>>569141215 At the risk of sounding needy, is there any way to possibly make these flashes of clarity happen more often, or even permanent? Whenever it happens, it feels a little like I woke up from the life I'd been living up until that point. As I said, the feeling passes and I find myself in the same state as before, but I feel like I can have a much more productive and fulfilling life if I can access that state of mind.
As it is, the most empathy I feel is for the characters in the shows that I watch. And I'm now pretty sure that, contrary to what I thought growing up, that isn't really normal.
>>569142859 remember how you only see narrow slices of people around you? Those haven't been scripted by writers trying to make you feel something. On the contrary, for the most part they've been carefully crafted to hide vulnerabilities and project positive qualities. This is a big reason for the link between time spent on social media sites and a decrease in happiness/satisfaction, because it's easier to do that shit on a facebook profile than in person.
Look into applied rationality and become your own therapist. You will see the world, and yourself, more and more clearly each day. It's been a hell of a journey for me so far. A little weed helps too, as it aids introspection and can get you in the habit of laughing and smiling more, but don't overdo it.
This was a wonderful thread, and possibly the most relatable one I've been in in my 7 years. I'm glad I came on /b/ today, and I am glad you all could discuss this so passionately. Thank you, come again.
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