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I fucked up guys >be me tonight >at a party >first

The stories and information posted here are artistic works of fiction and falsehood.
Only a fool would take anything posted here as fact.

Thread replies: 332
Thread images: 84

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I fucked up guys

>be me tonight
>at a party
>first one in....ive ever been invited to
>qt3.14 from work is there
>small town
>she smiles when she sees me
>good sign right?
>we talk for a short while
>"you know anon, you're actually pretty handsome."
>she is clearly drunk. im just tall
>talk gets kinda heavy
>feeling confident
>its her false compliments and the shitty beer
>i lean in and say
>"i would crash your booty"
>she laughs at me
>really loud
>people are looking

cont.
>>
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>>566294853
>"did you guys hear what anon just said?!"
>she still laughing
>i put on that half smile while i look around the room
>you know the one. the awkward one
>"HE SAID HE WOULD CRASH MY BOOTY!"
>some people laughed. some whispered
>i try and walk out
>drunk coworker tries to tug me back for more talking
>"no thanks i just want to get some rest before work tomorrow"
>she put on a pouty face
>drunk me cant handle it
>i stay

cont
>>
continue op.
>>
If this thread gets any interest I'll dump a few embarrassing party stories
>>
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>>566295485
>we keep talking
>she is so loud...people keep looking at us
>i get nervous and angry
>i didnt notice she was making jokes about my dick
>"its probably like, not even the right size. like small you know?"
>she's still so loud
>red faced, i try to leave again
>"no no anon! stay! cmon just one more drink!"
>no
>"pleeease?" with a pouty face on top
>why am i so weak
>i stay...again...

cont
>>
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>>566294853
>I would crash your booty
>>
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>>566294853
>"i would crash your booty"
That's something special anon, 10/10 seduction prowess.
>>
Go in to work tomorrow with an ak

Post results
>>
>>566294853
Lurking.
>>
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>>566294853
I'm coming over to crash that booty
>>
Must read the end of this...
bumping...
>>
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>>566296471
>>
continue
>>
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>>566296019
>you didnt get to meet my boyfriend anon!
>my heart sunk
>he is short. but handsome i guess?
>"so anon, heard you were gonna try to fuck my girl?"
>suddenly im not sad
>far too many drinks have made me brave
>"fuck off dude"
>but not too brave
>he pushes me outside
>is this really happening
>his shirt is off and he is yelling
>i look for a place to but my beer down
>but it has begun
>i am on the floor, getting kicked
>i dont feel like getting up. so i reach for my beer
>in the background i hear
>"this nigga didnt even feel your kicks dude!"
>"HES FUCKING SUPERMAN!"
>i only remember thinking that there werent any black people at the party
>why did anyone say nigga?

cont
>>
>>566294853
This shit better be fuckin' pretyped you faggot!
>>
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>>566294853
>your booty
>>
>>566296904
This is why I don't go to parties.
>>
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>>566296904
>i get up, very dizzy. head throbbing
>i see coworker in front of my face
>like two of her
>out of rage i slap the shit out of her
>boyfriend runs to her side.
>hes angry. but i hant hear what hes saying
>drive home

im worried that i might get fired tomorrow guys

any advice?
>>
show dem niggas anon!
>>
>>566296484
Seconded
>>
>>566297258
do an hero
>>
>>566296776

>3kb
>saved thumbnail
kek
>>
fucking women, man.

They seriously get off to coaxing otherwise content men to beat the shit out each other over them.

They both need to be sterilized
>>
>>566297258
Damnit OP I was hoping for a novel, not this childrens book shit. I hope you get fired. Faggot
>>
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>>566297258

Do this

>>566296484
>>
>Apply for welfare and disability
>Never leave your house again
>>
>>566294853
Only one solution to fixing this OP, put on a skimask, bring a crowbar to outside this girls house late one night then when she exists the front door...

Run up behind her and swing as hard as you can for her knee and keep swinging a while with the crowbar on her legs and abdominal then GTFO and keep your alibi short n easy to remember.
>>
>>566297258
Rape her and kill douche bf
>>
>>566297415
i might consider this.
>>566297530
i have other stories if you want
>>
>>566297258
Get a new job. Probably a good idea anyway. Also, avoid house parties unlss you're among actual friends. Parties are usually for tards.
>>
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>>566294853
OP is a beta
>>
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>>
>>566297689
wish i had this party advice for the past 15 or so years
may have kept me out of certain mishaps
>>
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>>566297780
yes
>>
>>566297258
>any advice?

don't drink and drive faggot

maybe say something like "sorry I was drunk but that doesn't make up for my behavior"
>>
>>566297258

You hit a girl?

Good luck with that 25 to life in prison.

Because you know EQUALITY.
>>
Don't go in tomorrow. Find a new job.
>>
>>566297258
kek
NEET here
can you get fired for shit out of workplace?
>>
>>566297258
1. slaughter everyone at your workplace
2. kill self
>>
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>>566297673
Gather around faggots! OP has more stories to tell!
>>
Hell no OP, don't think of this as a fuck up-think of it as the beginning of something beautiful-hit the gym, start working out, get more confident-some people now think you're immune to pain, capitalise on that. you sure as hell can't win every fight, stop caring so much what people think of you, start living. Plus, you put that fucking tease in her place. Doubt she'll try that shit with anyone again.
you can do it. I believe in you op.
>>
>>566297803
Well there is nothing you can do now. Nothing of value was lost though. Those people all sound like fags. Just find a new group of friends and/or a new job and forget all about this would be my advice.
>>
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>>566297258
bitch deserved it, good job
>>
>>566296471
i fucking laughed
>>
Sounds like she got exactly what she deserved, kudos OP. For real though, those people sound like shitlords anyway, turn up to work, crash the booty and then leave
>>
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>sorta-friend's birthday a few years back
>under 21 at the time so I'm just stoked to be drinking
>havin a giggle m8
>suddenly, dude comes up to me on the patio
>about a foot taller than me, maybe 50+ lbs. heavier in muscle
>recognized him from my flip cup team earlier, now both majorly drunk
>he leans in close without saying a word
>then, with the most chill look on his face
>"hey, uh... you wanna fight?"
>wat.jpg
>"... why would I fight you?"
>"I dunno man, I just feel like a good fight and you seem like you could handle yourself."
>genuinely consider for a sec
>"I might be down."
>"Sweet, man. No faces, though."
>"Wait... so you want to fight me for no reason and we can't hit each other in the face?"
>he stops and sways in place a little
>"I'm pretty fucking stupid, aren't I?"
>we kek
>sorta-friend ends the party drunk crying
>never saw him again
>>
why did you slap her instead of boyfriend.
p.s. you are hard ass motherfucker.
go ham on that boyfriend
show him who is alpha
>>
Been there anon. Sort of anyways

>be me, 17
>while back at some gig
>full of faggot hippy punks (anti racist animal rights supposed anarchists more like pissed liberal faggots hence I call them hippies pos)
>after a bottle of whiskey and pack of beer try and explain the problem with jews and niggers
>black out
>wake up with no memory and busted lip swollen cheek

Never found out who punched me though. Wish I knew so I could beat the bastard when I could actually stand up
>>
>>566298151
ok

>be me
>10 years ago, loser virgin
>on a camping trip (your picture reminded me)
>twin cousins sitting next to me on the trip
>its a boy and a girl, they are 15
>i am 16. still tall as fuck
>girl talks to me the whole trip up we'll call her sam
>i really, really like sam

cont
>>
>>566297258
fuck her when she calls because she's gonna call. That was the most boss story I read on 4chan for a while. Also go in tomorrow first thing and ask for a raise. Basically that is the culmination of this story as I see it.
>>
Go to work like nothiing happens. If he'll try to do some shit with you, say to him "I hope u find a nice girl instead of whore." If he say "What are u talkin tard? My girl is not a whore!" just say:"No, fuck, she all the evening long wanted to look at my huge cock. so she is a fuckin slut".
And THEN do what u want - continue to work there or find a new job.
But act like a man, dude. I know u can.
>>
>>566298821
pro tip: Samantha is a slut
>>
>>566298821
this story is...personal...sorry if im a little light on details

>her brother we'll call him male sam doesnt look happy at all
>i think its because he doesnt like camping
>fast forward a day, nothing interesting happens
>me, and two cousins share the tent
>you guys know what on my mind.
>teen pecker begging for attention in my sleeping bag
>i oblige
>didnt care to check if anyone was awake
>i was secretly hoping i would get caught
>male sam is watching me
>"hey, anon...what are you doing over there?"

cont. i feel bad for sharing this
>>
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>>566298821
excellent.
>>
>>566298821
Those twins were fucking each other anon
Hope you got some wincest in
>>
another

>different friend's birthday
>hangs with a bunch of LGBT kids all the time
>decides to have a club theme
>"hires" me to bartend
>stand behind a table guessing how to make cocktails
>mfw
>sorta-friend from earlier story gets trashed
>"I need someone to drive me home!"
>i've probably had the least of anyone in the place, but I'm by no means sober
>"I can do it!" I say
>"we can take my truck"
>go to parking lot, get in truck
>dafuq
>"Is this a stick shift? I don't know how to drive manual, bro."
>tells me it's cool, he'll work the clutch and I do everything else
>he straddles the fucking armrest the entire ride
>I'm shifting gears like wtf
>stall out three times on the road, once at a stoplight as a cop rolled by and thought we were good
>miraculously make it home safe and unticketed
>wake up the next morning to find he drove himself to get food even after the whole fucking fiasco
>he doesn't understand why I mad
>never got bartending tips
>>
>>566297976

have you ever considered deep throating a steak knife?
>>
Tl;dr

Things that never happened in real life
>>
DON'T YOU FUCKING DIE ON ME!! BREATHE BITCH BREATHE!!!!!!!
>>
I have never laughed as hard as when I read the words "crash your booty" put together in a sentence. Utterly hilarious. 100 internets to you, OP
>>
>>566299524
Nobody feels bad for sharing at 4chan..
>>
>>566299524
>he crawls over and i feel his shmore breath on my face
>even more shmore breath. i remember thinking he had a huge fucking mouth
>i peek, and its both of them, staring me down
>scared the shit out of me, but i stayed quiet
>"we just want to know what you were doing down there"
>pointing to my sleeping bag
>"oh...come in and i can show you guys"
>i was only half joking
>were all in my sleeping bag, trying not to touch eachother
>male sam wets himself
>"im sorry, i didnt want to get out"
>we still stay in there, all together in a pool of fucking piss
>were in it already, why not
>i piss in the sleeping bag too
>i guess that was the secret code to "start touching stuff"
>because we did
>i bite sams ear
>mostly to keep her close, so i could touch more of her and less of her brother

cont
>>
, 66297258
Shameful display. Get a different job and then don't get drunk with your new lame ass coworkers. Find real friends to hang with. When people from work ask me to hang out, I tell those dead beats I got better shit to do.
>>
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>>566300239
lurkin, keep this shit going. this is why i come to /b/
>>
>>566300596
wtf!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
>>
>>566300596
wtf is wrong with you anon?
>>
>>566300596
>needless to say, im hard at this point
>i start trying to discreetly hump sam
>male sam notices
>"thats not fair! you have to do it to me too"
>we have to shush him, hes getting loud
>them, laying side by side on their tummys
>be going back and forth hotdogging my dick between their buns
>their having fun
>doing weird twin talk under me
>its about time to tread to deeper waters
>i have to try and come up with a name for it
>ya know, make it a game

cont
>>
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>>566300596
wh-

why do i believe you
>>
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>>566300596
>>566301108
>>
>>566300596
anon. Man. You're the heart of /b/ right now. Please continue...
>>
>>566301108
Dude they were 15? Why are they acting like perverted 5 year olds?
>>
>>566300596
>>566301108
dude, holy fuck OP.
>>
>>566301475
this

did you go to a autist school or something opee??
>>
>>566301597
Terry's Tree camp for Terrific Tards.
>>
>>566301715
10/10 made me hue

and it also explains alot
>>
>>566301108
>"you guys ever play the sex game?"
>they laugh at me
>probably shouldnt have treated them like children
>we go to the same highschool for christ sake
>male sam is nervous though
>"im not sure if i want it actually inside"
>my dick was hungry anons, i wanted to fuck
>"ill go soft ok?"
>we all gree, this is ok
>i stuck my dick, just the tip of it into his butt
>why was he first
>not a half pump later, im cumming

cont
>>
>>566301839
Now the first story is starting to gain a lot of very important context.
>>
>>566301839
op why?
op why?
why him?
>>
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>>566301839
fucking sage, you should be assfucked by a garbage disposal
>>
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>>566301939
>>566301961
>>
>>566301839
>no one if having fun anymore
>it suddenly dawns on me that weve pissed in this fucking tent
>and now my male sams ass is full of my cum
>i try not to panic, and just move over to his sister
>still half hard, and will later be knee deep in trouble
>"wait, you already finished over there"
>i didnt care, i had to at least stick it in
>and i did

thats it. unless you want to know what happened after.
tl:dr i havent seen them in a long, long time
>>
>>566302186
heaven plz no
>>
>>566302064
>>566302186
fuck off faggot
>>
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>>566301839
So you cream pied another males asshole while laying in each other's urine?

N..no homo right?

>pic semi-related
>>
>>566302186
Damn it heaven, I love you, but now is not the time.
>>
>>566298160
This.
Confused as to why you think you'd get fired. Go in tomoz and continue show of alphaness, crash dat on the clock. Dont ever say im sorry either tards
>>
>>566302186
DAMMIT HEAVEN!!!!!! why you go and ruin the moment.
>>
>>566302303
shitnigger
>>
>>566302243
>>566302243
OF COURSE WE WANT TO KNOW!!
>>
>>566302243
I'm not sure if this is hilarious or just really, really creepy.
>>
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>>566302243
fucking kill yourself faggot
>>566302248
>>566302261
it is tiem for cleansing
>>
>>566302243
Aftermath?
>>
>>566302347
i am the real haven, do not be confused my sun
>>
>>566302243
10/10 stories OP, keep going - anything will be gold
>>
>>566302064
>>566302186
Samefagging faggot
Get out
>>
>>566302401
Oh, cut me deep, you did there. Good job, now move along...
>>
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>>566302285
>>566302303
I love you too sugartits
>>566302343
>>566302347
MERICA>>566302401
>>566302445
>>566302491
>>
Go on, OP. It's not like this could get any worse.
>>
>>566298651
whats wrong with fighting and having a gentleman's agreement not to bust a nigga's face?

You've never wanted to have a bit of a rough and tumble without having an actual brawl?
>>
>>566302669
Let's not hope.
>>
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>>566302642
From the shadows, a real ID appears
>>
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>>566302517
You not real heaven
>>566302542
Herd u waz skurred pussy
>>566302669
>>566302730
>>566302763
>>
>>566299271
You are obviously drunk, and your advice is terrible.

OP should do it anyway
>>
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>>566301839
>why was he first
>>
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>>566302950
>>566302952
>>
>>566302243
post moar faggot
>>
>>566302491
>>566302440

uh. sure i guess

>its still night time
>after i stuck my dick in sam, she kind of layed there in shock
>she was bleeding
>she thought this whole time i was going to put it in her pooper
>no
>she screamed and our parents rushed to the tent
>a group of kids in a sleeping bag, me on top of my cousin, the smell of piss
>not a good look, anons
>the camping trip didnt make it to that morning
>their father punched me twice
>they went home
>my parents are eternally dissapointed in me
>>
>>566297258
Man, go in there proud with your chest out. You took a fucking beating and didnt give a shit about it.
The slap was perfectly fine, she deserved it, she treated you like a puppet all night and didnt even stop her douche bf to kick the shit out of you.
You come more alpha out of this, trust me
>>
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>>566302440
>>566302526
>>566302638
is kill
>>
>>566302952
You can't have your pudding if you don't eat your meat
>>
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>>566298004
exactly EQUALITY
>>
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>>566303067
>>566303106
>>566303130
>>
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>>566303106
AND YOU WERE OKAY WITH LEAVING THE ENDING OUT? YOU POPPED HER FUCKINF CHERRY
>>
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>>566303163
>>566303207
>>
>>566303106
i didnt think you guys would be at all interested in my stories
ive fucked up alot in my life but im sure youve all fucked up just as much as i have right?
these cant be that unique
>>
>>566297258
Bo$$ $hit Anon

>most likely you're in fer sum real problems

but regardless

>Bo$$ $hit
>>
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>>566303241
>>
>>566303137
Ok, you actually just earned my respect.
>>
>>566298789
track down the boyfriend and beat the ever loving shit out of him because it is now "your turn"
>>
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>>566303318
>>566303326
>>
>>566303318
>these cant be that unique
I have some bad news for you...
>>
>>566303106
Well done. Now THAT'S an ending.

Anymore riveting tales?
>>
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>>566303343
>>566303374
>>566303448
>>
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>>566303462
>>
>>566303462
if this guy >>566303448
is right, then yes.
ill tell another if you guys want
>>
>>566303318
Uhh.....not all of us..... But thanks for sharing. I bet this pops into you're mind occasionally out of nowhere and you gag a little and you're skin crawls for a second.
>>
>>566296904
>i dont feel like getting up. so i reach for my beer
kek'd
>>
>>566303318
Well, I've fucked up in my life, but I've never gone on a camping trip with a secret agenda to bang my cousin, then jerked off in a tent with family members inside of it, then pissed said tent alongside my cousin who was aroused at my jerking off, then banged said (male) cousin in the ass, then popped my other cousin's cherry while lying in a puddle of my own urine. But that's just me.
>>
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>>566303616
>>566303680
>>566303689
>>
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>>566303596
>>
>>566297258
you got the shit kicked out of you and you sill reached for the beer
who cares if you get fired that fucking insane
>>
>>566303616
ofc we wank
>>
>>566303106
>Everybody in YOUR sleeping bag

I don't know why they're mad at YOU. Sounds like they're already trotting down the road to ass-play, and there's no good way to cram three people into a sleeping bag if its non-consensual
>>
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>>566303734
>>
>>566303734
when you say it like that, it does seem pretty odd
>>
>>566303783
I like your style dude.
>>
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>>566303813
>>566303817
>>566303824
>>566303840
>>
>>566303130
This. A girl who flirts all night and then sics her boyfriend on you is a girl that deserves to get her shit shoved in
>>
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>>566303851
>>566303904
>>
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>>566303958
>>
>>566303958
Yep, i also agreed it.
>>
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>>566303940
>>
>>566303851
odd as fuck brah, but "crash that booty" is the best phrase I've heard in a while. The party story rules, and it seems realistic-ish because there are elements of alpha and beta at random times.

OH FUCK I JUST REALIZED
OP WAS IN THE MIDDLE OF A SAM-WICH
>>
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>>566303813
>>566304090
>>
>>566304171
Holy shit.
>>
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>>566304147
>>566304171
>>
>>566297258
fuck yeah OP fuck your job and that bitch
>>
>>566303616
Drunk stories are not terribly uncommon. Stories that hit incest AND watersports are.
Either way, it seems like when you fuck up, you fuck up with the force of a small supernova, and thats good reading
>>
>>566302730
I've actually done this

also with opposite sex, during/before sex

mad fun

>>566302243
yes, I actually do want to know, thank you

captcha: chiefly ageese
>>
>>566304171
this guy was the only one to get it
i like you anon
. up to you, another story?
>>
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>>566304236
>>
>>566303616
please more i love this shit
>>
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>>566304329
>>566304330
>>566304384
>>566304401
>>
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>>566304418
>>
>>566304401
go ahead man, post that shit
>>
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>>566304330
>>566304384
>>566304329
>>566304401
>>
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>>566304597
>>
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>>566304147
>>
>>566304384
I have too. Sometimes when you are drunk, the desire for fisticuffs is overwhelming. But full on fight clubbing is something most people don't enjoy, so you gotta keep it toned back a bit.

And bitches love it when you rassle them. Not only for the groping, but because you show how easily you can dominate their shit.
>>
>>566302243
oh MY GOD GO ON ROFL I'M LITERALLY IN FUCKING TEARS
>>
>>566294853
Thanks for the story OP, this sounds like a liquor party, we used to organize parties in the past and the outcome often depended on the kinds of alcohol that was served.
>>
>>566304401
I can dig it

>>566304856
don't have to be drunk, and with some of my friends it's not that toned back, but we do avoid the face, because jobs and shit

and yeah, but no matter who wins it can still be fun, depending on the personalities involved
>>
are there moar stories OPee? xd
>>
>>566297258
how big is your dick anyway, OP?
>>
>>566304418
>>566303824
>>566304597
sure thing

>few years back
>me without a job
>mostly couch surfing and living in my car
>sometimes a former friend of mine lived in my car with me
>one night, its the two of us
>we are smoking. its been hours
>why did i spend money on weed instead of getting a place to stay or gas?
>he gets a text, its some party
>i catch a glimpse of his responce
>"nah im at a party of my own"
>i shrug it off.
>we spend the next thirty mins or so watching comedy shit on youtube
>cuz ya know. were smoking. just made sence

cont
>>
>>566305095
>jobs and shit

Face it. Getting hit in the nose fucking hurts.
>>
>>566305786
fuck yeah it does, but we can be all polite to each other and say 'you know, job shit' instead of 'bitch don't hit me in the face, that shit sucks'
>>
>>566305729
omg i'm so fucking high and tired and have class tomorrow and hw to do and am staying up for this, jesus fuck i love these stories LOL
>>
>>566305786
besides, I'm a sadomasochist, I get the shit beat out of me for fun and return the favor all the time, having a no face rule is just good sense, especially because, well, jobs and shit... otherwise I might not mind quite as much
>>
>>566306049
same boat, lecture in five hours

OP i know you wont let me down
>>
>>566306049
Same here. I have my first day of college tomorrow and months of staying up all night has fucked my sleep schedule.
>>
>>566302243
why do I imagine that you and your cousins all have down syndrome? it's the only way that story makes sense
>>
>>566306049
yeah, I should be doing my latin homework, that shit's due tomorrow night, but this is too much fun

though sad to say, the other night /b/ was so dead ass boring that the latin homework was more fun
>>
>>566305402
7 inches length, 6.1 inches circ

>>566305729
>seats fully reclined
>we called it the cool zone
>comedy stops, his shit music starts
>i never got to tell him his music was shit
>look over, and notice his muscles are alot bigger than mine
>plan in my head for later, to work out, get bigger
>our eyes meet, and hes smiling
>"you uh...checkin me out, anon?"
>i freeze and i swear tiem froze with me
>"im at a party of my own"
>his smile
>"im at a party"
>i scramble to sit up
>forgetting im in the cool zone
>theres a hand in front of my face
>"dude chill anon youre freakin out man"

cont
>>
>>566304401
That story was pretty hilarious. I almost feel like giving you a steam game.
>>
>>566306637
do it the guy deserves it
>>
>>566306615
....and then OP went full faggot
>>
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>>566306615
I can see where this is going

FUCKEN BAMP
>>
>>566306615
you have a big cock, you should have shown her and then she would have fallen to you
>>
>>566298160
This. You betad out by copping it from him and then going on to hit her lmao, funny as fuck, I hope u hit her hard though the dumb cunt. But yeah go lift weights disregard females and acquire aesthetics. People don't understand how awesome it is to be massive and shredded, people treat u different. And it's even more satisfying when you start off as a beta faggot, cos u can then treat you them how they treated u, then u can be like, "u mad? How does it feel being on the shit end" etc etc. You may be an arse hole for doing that, but those fk heads will learn their lesson and won't of it again and tell others not to do it and hopefully the world will be a better place for it, even if minuscule. It's sad people have to learn the hard way. Anyway op, learn from this and be alpha, but remember where and how it all started and stay humble, we re all gonna make it brah
>>
>>566306637
i dont have a steam. sorry anon

>>566306615
>his hands not helping
>we wrestle in the cool zone for a good 10 mins
>i dont know what im doing
>i open the door and try to run
>he chases, but i have a plan
>its called long legs. i take off my pants and run
>someone called for DTP
>we were screaming in the car
>police arrive
>im screaming with my pants off
>he is chasing me
>i forgot i was high, and ran to the officer
>"he is trying to rape me!"
>my pants are off, im covered in sweat
>we both get arrested

cont
>>
unsure when alpha became synonymous with asshole
pretty sure you're doing it wrong
>>
>>566307260
>I take my pants off and run
wut?
must have been REAL high, son
>>
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>>566307260
>"he is trying to rape me!"
>>
>>566307260
>in holding
>in the same cell
>there are a few other people there
>former friend looking at me with malice in the eyes
>i got my pants. but i dont have the dexterity to put them on
>theres music playing
>i guess its go time
>i stand up
>he stands up
>his muscled look so big
>i sit down
>he sits down
>i stand up again
>no, this guys an asshole
>another guy in out holding cell stands up
>were in a mexican stand off
>this guy looks mad as fuck
>fuck it. i charge former friend
>using the pants as a weapon
>the third guy attacks me
>former friend attacks me
>ive lost alot of fights
>this was not one of them

cont
>>
>i lean in and say
>"i would crash your booty"

>bu-back that ass up
>>
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>>566308056
this is gold, keept it comin'
>>
>>566308056
Are you a wizard? How does shit even possibly get out of hand so quickly
>>
>>566297547
>at first i was like "no"
>But then i was all like "yeah"
do it OP. Totes worth it. I bet if you screen cap thread jury will take pity on you
>>
>>566308056
>>ive lost alot of fights
>>this was not one of them

this is the best thread today, dude, I barely know what the fuck is even happening in your story, but I can't stop laughing
>>
>>566308056
fml i'm barely awake, gooooo onnnnnn
>>
>>566308056
what the fuck bro, your train of thought in these various events makes no rational sense to me at all
>>
>>566307260
idk why but see "cont" right after made me laugh so fucking hard
>>
>>566308056

OP please post a pic of yourself, we all want to see the legend
>>
>>566297258
Well it didn't happen on the job.
>>
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>>566308540
dude welcome to /b/
>>
>>566308056
>police enter
>like angels, taze them
>the next day i get released
>why didnt i get charged with anything
>i was clearly out of my mind
>maybe its because former friend is hispanic
>who knows
>i come back
>ya know. to my car.
>i sleep for a while. tired as fuck
>tap on the window
>ive seen these guys before
>but i dont really know these guys
>"wake yo bitch ass up anon"
>im scared as shit
>there are more of them than me
>so i stay in the car and pretend to go back to sleep
>my window is broken
>i still dont have a new window, just a towel on it.
>door opens and i get dragged out.
>stand up
>look down
>three angry looking hipanics

cont
>>
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>>566308913
damn, dude, your life is like one big beautiful clusterfuck
I applaud you
>>
>>566308913
OH DAM
>>
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>>566308913
grrr que ku edoh tacor bell
>>
>>566308913
>i have lost many fights
>this was one of them
>they dont waste time, im getting my ass kicked
>i only manage to land one punch
>im not good at fighting guys
>a few kicks to the head and chest later
>sharp fucking pain
>"former friend says hi, bitch"
>what? i can only focus on this pain
>i cant say that. i can only groan
>another sharp pain
>im screaming
>one more kick
>they run away
>why did the cops get called for dtp but not this
>go to my car. rest in the cool zone
>i thought i peed on my self and my body just hurt
>im stabbed

cont
>>
>>566297258
>Do SS+GOMAD
>Lift heavy weights
>LIGHTWEIGHT BABY
>Get shredded
>Go to another party with her
>When nobody is looking
>Kiss her bf

no homo
>>
>>566309751
>im stabbed
>>
>>566309751
>>
>>566309751
please god somebody archive the chronicals booty crasher anon
>>
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>>566309751
>relevant
>>
>>566309916
>im stabbed
>>
>>566309751
>i call my mom
>"god fucking damnit anon. you only call when youre in trouble. why dont you come home?"
>i hang up and call paramedics

thats uh. about it. got some nice visits
but no guys. i didnt get my booty crashed
i would have told you that story
>>
>>566310305
>im stabbed
>i call my mom

priorities, /b/ro

moar stories?
>>
>>566310163
ughhhhhh that was hard to watch
>>
>>566310470
only if you guys really want
i dont work till noon tomorrow. no skin off my bones
>>
>>566310505
it was kind of rough, wasn't it? evidently a prison stabbing somewhere, grabbed it earlier, it seemed applicable
>>
>>566310628
I'm going to archive this whole thread, dude, yes we want, you get a solid half dozen golden internets for these, keep em coming
>>
>>566308630
cant do.
if you ever see a tall ugly motherfucker irl, we can hang
rather stay an anon
>>
Keep going OP
>>
Solid gold.
>>
>>566310847
with this kind of luck I wouldn't either
>>
>>566310628
not want
we need
>>
MOAR Op just give us anything
>>
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>>566298160
>>566294853
yeah OP, I lived a story similar to this and walked away and regret this move untill today, don't be a beat piece of shit like me, actually do something, call the poop bandit
>>
>>566311109
that

this is getting me through my latin homework, no bs, I'm working while waiting for autoupdates
>>
Guys this thread CANNOT die. BREATHE DAMNIT.
>>
>>566310795
>>566310923
sure...i dont really see whats holding all you guy's interest. just days in the life

>be me
>few years back.
>couch sufing/hobo days
>i know im ugly. but a guys gotta get laid somehow
>living at some guys house
>i dont even know him
>he has parties alot, so i stay and eat/drink rent free
>big surprize, its party time
>mid party
>full of pizza and beer
>"hey, anon do you like, live with bret?"
>i turn around. little nerd lookin girl with glasses

cont
>>
Sweg
>>
Watch this somehow turn into some faggot shit
>>
>>566310628
the hell u say, of course continue
>>
goddammit, I just hit the shit out of my head on this fucking shelf.... fuck
>>
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>>566311721
Somehow you always end up doing gay stuff, while being oblivious right before its too late
>>
>>566311721
Op puts all other betas to shamr
>>
>>566311721
continue pls
>>
>>566311721
>try to think quick. i might get this one
>"yea me and him go way back. party all the time"
>she perks up. this is good
>"wow really? this is only my second party. i saw you here last time too"
>things are going well
>we talk about her classes and other boring things
>i try and cut to the chase
>ya know, like all those /b/ threads taught me
>lean in close
>"you wanna head upstairs? look for some blues clues?"
>she says nothing. eyes wide
>hindsight 20/20 i should stop trying to be creative with my lines

cont
>>
>>566307260
I've had the thought that having no trousers on will make me faster, never acted on it though.
>>
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>>566312425
but we're so proud of him, he does it in the fucking fantastic fashion, this shit's gold

>pic related: honorary golden beta award
>>
>>566312550
Blues clues, Damm mm nigga
>>
>>566312550
>look for some blues clues?
Oh shit what a reference
>10/10 anon
>>
>>566312550
>like those /b/ threads taught me
>>
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>>566312550
>>"you wanna head upstairs? look for some blues clues

Wait wait, how old was this bitch?
>>
>>566312692
Today op was not a faggot,.... But he did Fuck a guy in the ass....
>>
>>566309751
This is fucking beautifully written.
>>
>>566312550
HAHAHAHAHA

it just keeps getting better

>>566312871
amen
>>
>>566310305
I have never heard an ending as good as this.

>I'm in a bad way. And stabbed. Good thing you can always rely on family
>Oh wait what the fuck was I thinking
>>
>>566304171
kek'd my fucking sides, you punminator
>>
>>566294853
OP I might be late, and haven't read the whole thread but if this issue arises write a report of the situation to inform your superior of what happened.

"{coworker} instigated the conflict by continually persuading to remain within her presence. {coworkers} significant other came to further instigate the situation and was the first to alleviate the situation by physically assaulting me. I refused to further alleviate the situation by fighting back.

To conclude this report, I was under the influence of alcohol and thus was not fully conscious of the situation (even though I attempted several times to leave the premise) and thus could not make decisions with full comprehension, {coworker} knew this took advantage of me".

the slapping part you'll have to figure out yourself mang

best wishes and come back and tell us what the outcome is
>>
>>566312998
*not fighting back
>>
>>566312942
>hey mom, I got stabbed
>you're such a fuckup
>thanks mom
>call paramedics
>>
>>566312550
Oh god I can't stop laughing.
>>
>>566312998
>tl;dr
>you faggot and your non green text full sentences and your later corrections.
>>566313114
>just horrible posts
>>
>>566312828
I'm starting to think we should subtract like 6 years from the reported ages in these stories
>>
>>566312550
>i take her hand and she just follows me
>i dont have a plan, were walking around the house
>looking for an empty room
>bathroom is clear
>i stuff her in the shower
>tell her to get undressed
>some stuff happened a while back that makes me not wanna see people take clothes off
>she actually does it
>i havent taken my clothes off yet. just waited for her
>"w-why arent you naked too?"
>i panic and switch places with her
>get in the shower, close the curtain

cont.
i hope this girls not secretly in this thread. i feel bad for what im about to post
>>
>>566312998
>haven't read the whole thread
you're in for a ride
>best wishes and come back and tell us what the outcome is
i don't think anyone's ever done this, ever
how would we identify him on /b/, the one board where there truly are no identities other than avatarfaggots? would we just call him bootycrasher?
>>
dont know how i ended up at this thread but so glad i did these stories are priceless
>>
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>>566313324
nigger the real world doesn't green text. If you wanna win the game you gotta play the game according to the rules. Use technicality to your advantage.
>>
>>566313421
lol wtf :D
>>
>>566313421
JESUS CHRIST, OP

THIS SHIT IS TALES OF SUSPENSE MADE FLESH

EVERY POST ONLY RAISES MORE QUESTIONS
>>
>>566298160
rarely do i put my full support into any advice posted on this site but these are my thoughts exactly.
>>
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>>566313421
>girl
>/b/

Where do you think we are?

Bumping for cont.
>>
>>566313613
>the real world
>implying anyone on /b/ has ever escaped the basement
>>
>>566298808
i believe those are crust punks. punks that think everyone can get along and shit. faggots
>>
>>566313631
lol get off of \b\ you cancerous fuck :^D
>>
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>>566313421
>>some stuff happened a while back that makes me not wanna see people take clothes off


This just gets better and better
>>
>>566313460
second that.... bootycrasher
>>
>>566308913
your life should turn into a comic book, or a novel, damn son, want to be your friend now, top kek
>>
>>566313723
>Implying there are no girls in /b/
>>
All 10/10, well done anon
>>
>>566313421
U are going to have to share the taking off clothes story too, u know that right??
>>
>>566313901
>that was exactly what was implied
>>
>>566298086
HR nigger here. It's not considered a work function unless a certain number of employees are present. This number is specified in company policy. If that number is met, everyone better fuckin' be acting like they're at work
>>
>>566314067
>nice, well implied
>>
>>566314042
this
>>
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>>566313421

>i panic and switch places with her
>get in the shower, close the curtain

>close the curtain
>>
>>566310795
could you pass it on to me? would be a life saver man, the world must know the name of a legend
>>
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OP please wrap it up in the next post, i've been here forever but its 7 in the morning and i need to get out of here.
>>
Oh god i think i love you
>>
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>>566313778
ebin :D
>>
>>566312550
AFK'd to come back to this gold.
>Wanna go upstairs and find some blues clues?

OP, I salute you!
>>
>>566313421
I can't even stop laughing... my head even stopped hurting.... this is fucking fantastic

>>566313723
shit happens, dude
>on confessions thread
>see some really specific shit that I recognize immediately
>that's my SO, awesome
>post back some other really specific shit so they know they got busted
>thebeginningoftheend.wav

>>566313723
bullshit there's no girls on /b/
>>
>>566313460
>im nude
>shes nude
>but we kinda just stand there for a minute or two
>"uhm.."
>its getting awkward, gotta think fast
>"youd better get ready for a trip through the amazon"
>ive got a plan
>i have her bend over the toilet seat, ass in the shower
>i get in the shower, and turn it on
>shes really fucking confused right now
>drunk bravery convinces me this is the greatest idea
>i start the fuck and its going well
>shes getting into it
>but were getting loud
>its not the moans
>"and on your left, elephants!"
>i smack her ass and tell her to make elephant noises
>she makes them so i stop slapping her ass
>i confused her compliance with her being really into it
>we go through several zoo animals

cont
>>
>>566314797
Put down the mary jane, son.
>>
>>566315001
dead sober, /b/ro
>>
>>566314908
>>
>>566314908
>>we go through several zoo animals

I CAN'T BREATHE
>>
>>566314908
You are retarded and I love you.
>>
>>566314908
No. NO. I refuse to accept that a human being lived through this while convincing another to have sex with them.
>>
>>566314908
What the fuck
People like this actually exist
>>
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>>566297258
Oldfag here..and heavy partier. You have 2 options here OP; you can act like a boss about it and talk to her tomorrow without being too apologetic and she will prolly give you some pussy...but you still might get fired, or her BF will kick your ass again. This time badly. Second way you can play it is when you talk to her don't flat out say you will snitch...but imply that if you go down you're taking the whole ship with you....meaning imply if you are fired you might be inclined to contact authorities about the situation and get her BF arrested, then contact HR and get everyone fired. Generally outside of work occurrences are useable evidence as you are still a representative of the company. This would be why your boss can fire you over stupid fag shit you post on facebook. Now go castrate yourself for being such a fag in the firstplace and letting her keep you there. Moral of the story is OP is as always a massive fag, you do however have potential since you reached for the beer even though you were in the middle of a shit kicking. That takes balls kid.
>>
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>>566314908
god damn you are wierd
>>
>>566314908
OP, HAS THE SOME OF THE BEST STORIES.
Mein nigger
>>
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>>566314908
>>
>>566309791
this
>>
>>566314908
>we go through several zoo animals
WHADDABOUT THE DINOSAUR?
>>
Fake/10
>>
>>566314908
THE MAN
THE MYTH
THE LEGEND
THE ONE
THE ONLY
B O O T Y C R A S H E R
>>
>>566315281
>OP trolled us all along
>inb4 everybody does the dinosaur
>>
>>566314284
waiting for this story to get through
>>
>>566315281
Mah Niggah...
>>
>>566315336
This shit makes too little sense while also staying in character for it to be made up on the spot
>>
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This whole fucking thread.
Excellent work, OP - made my night!
>>
>>566315398
don't even care if he is, that shit's hysterical either way
>>
>>566314908
>we were too loud to hear the whispers outside the door
>we were too drunk to remember to lock the door
>door opens, and the scramble begins
>hopped off the toilet seat so fast my dick hurt.
>grab my boxers, my shirt, get out.
>im still pretty much living here, so i hide in the closet
>"dude velma (lets call her velma) fucked some random dude in the shower"
>other wispers. it doesnt matter
>i get caught hours later
>i dont live there anymore

theres the end of that story for you guys
people need to sleep though
>>
>>566304171
>OP WAS IN THE MIDDLE OF A SAM-WICH
ahhhahahaha that just made this thread even better
>>
>>566297228
Wrong. You don't go to parties because you are a lonely faggot. Don't delude yourself.
>>
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>>566315754
LETS HERE THE END b4 404
>>
>>566315754
you should call her
best wife!
>>
>>566315754
fucking incredible 10/10
>>
>>566314908
This sounds like some kind of twisted version of Old MacDonald Had a Farm
>>
>>566309791
this
>>
>>566315754
all of these stories are progressing great then end up anticlimactic
>>
>>566315768
Project more.
>>
>>566316069
It's a metaphor for life brah
>>
>>566316069
Isn't that real life, though?
>>
>>566316069
never said i was a great story teller
i started this thread worried i was going to get fired
>>
archiving before 404
>>
http://4archive.org/b/thread/566294853
>>
>>566315754
>hours later
>>
>>566316237
You won't get fired until you accidentally end up playing chicken with your boss because he found out his wife sucked your dick at a glory hole instead of his
>>
>>566316237
don't listen to the haters, post more!
>>
>>566316428
glory holes are cool dude
you gotta stick your dick in one before you die
>>
>>566316237
You should tell the story of why you can't see people get naked.
>>
wtf.
>>
>>566316612
this
>>
>>566316612
im not sure if there are even enough bumps for me to tell that story.
maybe another time if i remember to make a thread
>>
>>566316612
seconded
>>
>>566297258

You should have walked away from that fight with her bf. Also, you shouldn't have beaten her, you should have simply walked away.

If you walk away from a fight that doesn't need to be fought, you're the bigger man

I know you were drunk, but the fact you slapped her out of rage shows that you might have some insecurity/immaturity problems you need to solve.

No offense, but YOU are the loser in this whole thing, so don't try to convince yourself otherwise. Recognize your problems in general and what you did wrong in particular, learn from your mistakes, and improve yourself.
This is the only way you can come out of this whole thing as the winner in the long run.
>>
Should probably start a new thread and link it here, OP.
>>
>>566316564
The concept is intriguing, but there's too much left to chance when you shove your dick through a random hole in the wall. I just can't live the devil-may-care lifestyle you do.
>>
>>566308913
>>there are more of them than me
>>there are more of them than me
>>there are more of them than me
>>
>>566316612
definitely this

>>566316758
shit, son, make one now
>>
>>566316814
>hasn't read the rest of this glorious thread
>>
>>566316814
Get the fuck out of here
>>
this. cont.
>>
>>566316758
>http://4archive.org/b/thread/566294853
DO IT FAGGOT
>>
>>566316814
>Calls OP a loser

>Clearly hasn't read the story where he fucked a guy
Thread posts: 332
Thread images: 84


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