Tard stories? >working at a grocery store while at uni for

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>be cart pusher at grocery store
>chill job pays well
>pushing carts one day
>say fuck it and grab every single cart
>end up stracting a brand new (at the time) jaguar
>some new guy that works in produce just fucking stares at me like a retard
>guessing he saw me scratch the car
>say to him "wow, that was close!"
>hope he buys it and acts like nothing happen
>fucking retards

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>be a customer on some shoppin'
>left my jaguar at Walmart parking
>took some anchiovis, rucola, Black Jack Daniels,
caviar and other standart shit
>came up to cashier
>motherfucker is frozen
>everyone is fucking frozen, looking at parking lot
>some guy just scratching my jaguar with like tousands of damn carts
>not giving a fuck, buy new

Fucking retards.

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>be jaguar
>owner just parked me at walmart
>fucking faggot god damn mother fucker
>who does he think i am
>some retard is pushing every goddamn cart the store has
>i swear if this faggot touches me
>he fucking scratched me
>my owner is going to kill this kid
>owner comes out "it's okay bub ill buy a new one"
>...
fucking owners

>at school
>minding own business, semi-depressed because puberty and girls and slightly fat
>alone in hallway fucking around with my locker
>suddenly get shoved
>see tard standing in front of me
>did a tard seriously shove me?
>no wrangler in sight
>says something confusing/can't understand the ancient language of palsy
>looking at him act cocky
>seriously no idea what he said to me
>just nod and go along with it
>feeling confident, he struts off
>as soon as he's behind me, I squat down and grab his ankles, and then pulling his feet I lift myself up
>I could seriously hear the teeth in his mouth crack apart and break on the stone floor
>haul ass the fuck out of there
>huge investigation but nobody understands tard and I was a good kid, never suspected of so much as farting

>be cart
>getting pushed by some retard
>enh, I'm handle deep in this hottie from aisle 3
>but she's deep in this idiot from the frozen food section
>what a slut
>she hits a pebble, causing us all to scrape against some fucking jaguar
>I came anyways

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>be me, 18 slut
>looking for some rich idiots thinking' they good at bed, actually only want some cash
>walking thru Walmart parking
>noticed perfect jaguar
>started furiously sliding thru drivers side with pussy
>pussy so fucked it came stone-hard
>scratched whole drivers side
>run the fuck out, some retard with every fucking single cart is coming

Gotta look fo' some young, intelligent atheist.

hot damn comments are gold

>>559990626

Either you told the driver what happened, or you were controlled by a tard.

>>559997724

>be parking lot
>tfw i see anemic dramas like this played out every day
>be parking lot

>>559998992
>every fucking single cart

heehee

>>559997915
I like you. You can fuck my sister.

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>>559997724
>be shopping cart
>suddenly a line of carts gets shoved in my ass
>hurtssogood.jpeg
>suddenly being pushed around
>this shit happens all the time
>out of fucking nowhere
>jaguar
>crash into it
>the onslaught begins
>the car is fuckered up
>the person who was pushing me just walks away like nothing happened after saying "wow, that was close!"
>most fun i've had in months

>Be anon
>Scrolling through 4chan
>Se thread about some tard scraping a jaguar
>OP did nothing
Fucking retards...

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>>560002676
>be pic.jpg
>some retard anon bumps da thread
>forgot to enclose me

Fucking retard...

>>559990626
hi im carl

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>>560003476
HAAAAI CAAAAARL

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>>559990626
>>559994952
>>559997013
samefag

>>560002141
lost

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> be in grade school
> eating lunch with friends
> I smelt it before I heard it
> tard comes running up the path
> covered head to toe in smeared feces
> screaming gibberish
> tard wrangler running behind yelling for tard to stop
> mfw

>>559990626
>>559994952
Obvious samefagging is obvious.

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>>559990626

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FMCHxUETJYI

>>559997915
>wrangler

I laugh every time.

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>>559990626
>"Wow, that was close!"

>be me, bored
>surfing /b/
>op made this thread

>>560000000

>>559998886
lulz

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>be me, sophomore in college
>was original ACS certified chem major, found out I needed 10 credit hours of foreign language on top of my two science minors
>realized the AMERICAN chemical society wanted me to learn a foriegn language
>went all 'murica and said 'fuck that noise'
>switch to normal chem degree
>fast forward, next semester outside first day of new physics class
>hear professor is crazy-ass old russian dude, hates gay people/black people/women.
>soundslikeaclassydude.webm
>while waiting for class to start, friend asks me why I switched from ACS cert to regular degree
"fuck ACS; I don't have time to learn a foreign language just to suck their faggot beaurocratic dicks"
>friend gives me a terrified look
>look behind me
>old russian teacher, who speaks broken english, doesn't understand I was being sarcastic
>thinks I like sucking dick
>hates me forever, fails me, and tells other teachers I'm a homosexual
>haunts me for entire bachelor's program
mfw

>>560003764
Actually, John is mine and am not faggotive OP. Other two might be same.

>>560003454
Fuck you're right... My bad anon.

>>559994952
even your id says same.

Bahahah

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>>560003454
>Be Walter
>Have had four fucking seasons all about me and my closest friends/family trying to live normally
>Season5.jpg
>I fucking disappear

>be 55 year old rapist
>been stalking a local sissy boy who struts around in tight booty shorts
>decide to make him my bottom bitch
>do recon to plan kidnap
>find out he's a first year uni student as well as an employee at a grocery store
>follow him to work one day bringing duct tape and rope
>he hangs around produce section, eyeing the vegetables
>few minutes later he goes around the back with a particularly large cucumber
>about to jump him
>suddenly some massive tard tries to waddle into the store with every single fucking cart
>scratches the shit out of a jaguar
>abort plan, this is going to draw too much attention
>sissy boy is gawping at the tard
>"Wow, that was close!"
>meanwhile some cunt behind me shrugs and goes off to buy another jaguar

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god i love this fucking board

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>Be me
>17
>My high school has a wooded area out back where people often go to smoke weed during lunch
>In woods smoking blunt with a couple friends
>WILD TARD APPEARS
>This was a 6 foot 250 pound tard
>asks if he can lick it
>wut.jpg
>LICK IT I WANNA SMOWK
>Fucking retard means hit it
>Friend laughs and hands him blunt
>Retard takes biggest hit ive ever seen someone take
>Runs off into wilderness
>Tard wrangler show up about 5 minutes later but we had already finished the blunt thank moot
>Wrangler ask if we had seen him
>All of a sudden this fat as fuck tard comes running towards us completely naked screaming I WANT MOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRR
>Trying to contain our laughter
>Loose it when Tard wrangler grabs him when he is completely naked
>Tard wrangler tells us to go to the nurses office to get clothes for him
>we didn't and just went to my friends house (He lived across the street from the school)
>Never found out what happened after that
>Never got in troube
>MFW that autist was hung like a fucking donkey

>>560004005
you don't happen to go on gaiaonline do you

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>be me, inna seinor year.

>in bathroom takin shit, hear weird noises in other stall,dint mind them.

>hear giggling and tard moans. Lolwut.jpeg
> notice theirs two pairs of feet under the stall next to me then realize.
> they are toutching dicks. Not sucking not toutching just literally touching dicks.

>one stops, throws his whole lunch over the stall. Onto me, pizza ranch. Open milk.

> i go WHAT THE FUCK??!!!


>hear hurried shuffles and giggles, then screaming from outside the bathroom. Apparrantly they both ran out whithout pants humping the nearest person going "humpy humpy for my lumpy"

>mfw

>be me
>in 3rd grade
>doing some narrative writing.
>tard with a massive five-head.
>tard yells out of nowhere
>"how do you spell A!!!"
>teacher says it's just the letter a
>yells even louder and starts crying
>"I mean the word a in the start of the sentence!! "
>I start laughing and they made change classes

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Persevere friends.

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One more for you all. You're welcome.

Byepil.

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>be me
>16
>High school has a few pet tards that they keep around for their own gratification
>tard wranglers can never control them
>in class one day with two tards up the back accompanied by a wrangler who doesnt even speak english
>Tards making faggot noises up back
>"ugghhhhh...unngghhhhh"
>wrangler keeps trying to shoosh them but because the stupid fuck cant speak English they have rendered him as neutral
>class all snickering
>biggest fucking cow noise ive ever heard lets loose
>class turns around to see wrangler protecting himself from blow after blow by the down syndrome duo
>teacher goes to break it up and ends up on the floor too
side note: why the fuck do the creators of these tards feed them so much?
anyway
>maybe 10 wranglers burst through the door as a tactical tard unit (TTU)
>separate and neutralize aggressive tards
>teacher has broken ribs
>wrangler's nose is pouring out blood and has two broken fingers
>also has bite mark on neck
>mfw tards were moved off campus to some kind of tard rehab/detention centre

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>>560006567
One more.

Byepil.

>>559998886
>be pebble
>sitting in parking lot minding my own business
>see some slut coming hoping she notices me
>runs the cart right fucking into me, trips and scrapes some assholes jaguar
>tfw no gf

>>560006828
>be you gf
>be stuck behind tard-cart
>mfw no bf

>>559997724
>be walmart
>employ retards on the daily

fucking white trash
>scratches happen

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>>560003574
shut up hippe!

>be walmart
>see tard pushing my babies around
>tard crashes all 70 of my babies into a metal beast
>babies come out okay, dont have to open up sinkhole to swallow tard
>save money, live better!

Well, what happened to him?

>>559997013
>>559997724
>>559994952
>>560001558
>>560002141

EPIC, /B/, every now and then, shows its genius.

>Be Shrek

>>560007340
>be proud independant black woman who dont need no man
>just got welfare check
>take all 7 of my kids to walmart
>see some cracker with huge line of carts
>aint nobody got time for dat
>oldest kid lamar is breaking into some rich guys jaguar
>cracker pushes line of carts into the fucking jaguar
>I laugh so hard I thought I was having a heart attack again\
>realized I hadnt had kfc in 4 whole days
>cant be a heart attack
>Lamar comes back to me with a laptop and a stereo
>"that was close"

> walking down the road
> hear screaming
> standing at the crosswalk, screaming get louder, "EeeeOooowakwakwakaa"
> tard comes rolling through the crosswalk, with a bag of jumbo marshmallows in one hand riding a scooter
> tard looked happy as shit, like he just won the Olympics
> continue firm the road and I enter the store

Turns out the tard just stole those marshmallows from this store, ditched the loss prevention in the store while on his scooter.


Nope, I didn't see him. Ha

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>be in 5th grade
>5th grade classes in the same hall as the tards so we share a bathroom
>taking a piss one day
>tard walks in and takes the urinal right next to me
>already halfway through my piss so I choose to just power through
>he proceeds to pull his pants down around his ankles
>start getting nervous when the worst possible thing happens
>He has diarrhea at the urinal
>I instantly recoil and get piss everywhere
>he continues to shit all over himself
>mfw
>I just zip up and walk out dont say a word
>after school that day friend asks if I heard about the kid who diarrhead his pants
>I just say no.

>>560000000

>>560006731
Yeah..i hot other stories of things. Not really tard stories but i got some of my gf if u anons wanna hear em

>>560000000
Just checking something

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>>560008110
>tard thread
>wanna hear about my qt3.14?

No.

>>560008252
Wat u checking faggot

>>560008252
>>560008023
What was the get?

>>560008376
How new are you exactly?
Just look at his post and take a guess.

>>560004104
Me too, Anon, me too.

>>560007704
/thread

>>560007704
nice imagination m8
i liked it
thank you

>>560008023
He get was 'get'

Literally.

>>560008386
"get"

>>560008863
Wut

>>560003764
Check the IDs, fag

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>>559990626

>work in wholesale
>guy with disability applies for picker position in our warehouse
>a little creepy and always silently stares at everyone at first
>doesn't get along well with another guy in the warehouse that has been working there for about 4 years
>the other guy complains constantly about the guy with the disability
>always trying to get him in trouble
>guy with a disability shows up early, works really hard, doesn't make many mistakes
>turns out to be clever in his own way and pretty funny
>the guy he doesn't get along with marches in to bosses office and complains that the guy with the disability gets some slack cut to him in situations where his disability prevents him from doing things, when he gets none
>boss asks this guy if he is really comparing himself to someone who has a legitimate disability yet works harder than he does
>mfw the guy without a disability turns out to be the tard

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>Alright my yout mi and dis fine gyal
>decide we waan fi go park
>we went pon swing, pon slide
>even have good time a bounce pon teeter-totter
>buoy, it fun mi tell yuh
>we sit dung a ground fi have lunch
>afta lunch she waan fi go home so we went to her house
>fi watch movie and sinting
>mi tell you, the gyal mus be one freak, cause she jump pon my lap
>she start suck out mi face
>after 5 minute the blood clot phone ring and mi answer
>one rated man come yell ina mi ear
>man was livid
>say sumthing like ‘YO STAR, A WEH YOU A DO WIT MI PICKEY?’
>mi just give one sour look pon my girl face
>ask a wuh dis man business?
>gyal tell me her dad ded, him ina ground, ded, ded, ded.
>A WHO DI BUMBACLOT DEH PON MY PHONE??

>be me
>17 in high school
>Fat as fuck tard joined a few months back
>Only one is the school
>Kid from fucking Africa joins
>tard approaches saying "woah, a real like GOrilla"
>African kid turns in shock
>never seen a tard been hit
>falls to the ground so fucking fast
>tard wrangler glares at me as I proceed to laugh ass off

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>>560000708
>comments

you fucking idiot

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>>560000708

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by far the best tard story i've ever read. 10/10

>>560004549
or you're just suck at chem.

i am jel of how american colleges work, nearly done my first semester of BA science and I went to campus only for the mandatory attendance labs. I'm paying so much money to teach myself.

and this is a tard thread, wtf your post?

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God, I love these threads. I have a tale to tell.

>Be me
>Middle school
>7th or 8th grade
>In advanced classes, not around too many idiots
>Be at lunch one day, eating with friends
>Pretty typical lunch
>Hear loud, animalistic noises
>Tard at next table throwing an autistic fit
>Wrangler tries to calm him down
>Throws lunchbox right at our usual spot
>Hits my friends ravioli shit
>All over my new pants and favorite band shirt
>Fuckthisshit.gif
>Need a new change of clothes
>Go to office
>Suppressed anger, cause tard
>Next day, I heard he shat himself on the swings
>mfw
Kek

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This is something that some good anon posted in a tard story thread just some hours ago. Had to archive, it's worth it

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well this doesn't involve a tard tarding but still a good story i archived some days ago

>>560003764
>>560003994
Samefag

>>560009138
you got tricked

> Be me, in 4th grade
> outside for recess
> see this really skinny frail kid Steven run past me
> He looks terrified, I look to see what is chasing him
> mfw the school's down syndrome girl Beth is chasing him......
> wearing a fucking pirate hat
> big black with skull and crossbones, the real deal
> Beth catches up to Steven and shoves him to the ground
> system of a down syndrome is crazy strong
> Beth has hit puberty before most of the rest of the class cuz she's older
> retarded and horny
> ohshitwtf.jpeg
> Beth proceeds to rip Steven's track pants off completely
> Steven is screaming and the teacher takes notice
> Beth realizes the teacher is coming, she stands up
> Her fat retarded ass sits down hard on Steven's head, full weight
> Steven ends up in an ambulance on his way to hospital
> mfw Beth the retard tried to kill her rape victim/witness in front of dozens of kids
>she wasn't even suspended for almost killing a classmate

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Bump again

>>560009653
My sides

>>560009653
that was pretty fuckin funny

>freshman in high school
>watching some water birthing documentary in auditorium for health class
>sitting next to some tard
>whatever.jpg
>get to the part of the documentary where we see her giving birth
>tard puts sweatshirt on lap
>think nothing of it
>a little time I hear soft fapping noise
>wtf.gif
>I move a couple seats away
>a little time later I hear a scream then "that's gross anontard"
>apparently a 8/10 caught him in the act
>the auditorium is in a pandemonium
>and I'm just sitting there laughing my ass off

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>>560009776
Kek

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>mfw tard stories thread

>>560000000
Just checking.

>>560009550
HuRrrrr R rr I waz only prtnding to be tard I got u!

>>560007704
kek

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>>560006742
Outdated, Have this

>>560009090
I fucking love you anon.
>tfw I can't talk like that

>>560009337
Read that before going to bed, possibly better than Fats McGee

We don't have many tards in the English system, but I remember volunteering in a infant school in a class with a downer before starting a job in a different school.

>Downer does two things
>drool
>lie face down on the carpet

The mammoth effort of either supporting his own body weight or closing his mouth to stop the endless stream of down drool meant that he could never achieve one without failing the other

He was an absolute drain on society and everyone who supported him, tards of a certain caliber should be euthanized for everyone (including the tards) sake

I didn't know you Americans have lot of tards in your schools. In Germany we have special schools to keep them separate. Only in the last few years they are trying to mix them with normal people.
Gonna need some wranglers here too.

>>559990626
>work at costco
>Asian that can't speak english starts yelling
>have to translate because I'm the only available person that can speak chinese
>she's wondering why her card doesn't work and keeps yelling
>she mentions that she cancelled her membership card a month ago
>I ask her again to make sure if she cancelled her card
>she says yes
>I tell her if she cancelled her card she can't use it
>she's still yelling about saying that her card should still be valid even though she cancelled it a month ago

At that point I didn't even know what to say

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These threads are the fucking best.

>>560006703
Holy fuck that was good. Still laughing. Lol

>>560006567
> fats mcgee and this retard three
my fuckin sides

Relevant to my interests

>>560010176
> be on /b/
> tard comes in a tard thread
> says lol

Fucking tards.

>>560007507
>/B/
gtfo newfag.

>Be me
>Just chilling, eating lunch talking to my bros
>This tard which normally walks past stats jumping on one of my friends
>He is shocked and just sits there trying to push him off
>tard continues walking
>at this time pretty much eveyone had hurried to civer
>still sitting there eating my lunch
>tard comes back
>gets on all fours in front of me and starts hoofing like a bull
>readytocharge.webm
>stand me ground
>tard runs at me
>stick foot out
>hits him square in the chest
>falls onto ground
>continue eating
>friends come over laughing
>wrangler comes over
>asks what happened
>tell her like a boss
>picked tard up and walked away
>to this day he attacks others in my year but never agan me

>be me
>be 18
>be working in a supermarket, stacking shelves.
>see a tard and his mum walking down the aisle towards me.
>the mum, in her fifties, bends down to pick a bottle of coke off the shelf.
>the tard sees his chance.
>tard thrusts his crotch into the fat arse of his mum.
>he looks at me as he does this with a huge grin on his face, pretending to shag his mum from behind.
>his mum looks horrified and quickly tries to act like nothing happened and walks on, tard following and giggling.
I felt sorry for the mum, he probably pretends to rape her in public all the time.

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>>560010294
Kek

>>559997915
holy shit you suck dude

>>560006567
Oh god, my sides. That was perfect.

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>>560006703
>tactical tard unit

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>>560004549
You probably are a faggot and he saw right through you.

>this thread is cancer
>tard stories is cancer
>op is cancer
>you is cancer
>b is cancer
>fourchan is cancer
>internet is cancer
>world is cancer
>universe is cancer
>god is cancer


>cancer is cancer

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>be 5th grade me
>at recess
>out of all tards this was the super tard
>super tard would chase us for fun
>I out ran super tard by playground obstacles
>super tard got stuck in one of them
>literally couldn't get out
>teachers try soap but no luck
>fire department got him out
Pic related

Only Heaven can prevent cancer threads.

>be me at cntinuation highschool
>this is where they send kids who are fuck ups and get kicked out of public highschool
>this is also where they send the tards that cant handle normal school
>these are alpha tards, i assume theyre formed when two naturally occurring tards fuck
>walking around at lunch one day passing the tard class
>suddenly we enter a lockdown drill
>policies require you enter the nearest classroom to you
>get pulled into tard class by a wrangler
>imsurrounded.jpg
>about 15 or 20 alpha tards all stuffed in this class while the wranglers try to keep them quiet
>suddenly i hear it
>it sounds like a shriek but its at an incredibly low volume, almost a whisper.
>out of the mass of tards rises the largest fucking behemoth nigger tard i have ever fucking seen in my life
>he opens his massive gourd and releases a sounds i can only compare to a jet engine starting up
>he charges the nearest wrangler and shoulders him to the ground
>all the other tards capable of walking or running jump up immediately and begin their war chant
>tards are fucking shrieking and taking out wranglers everywhere
>fuck this
>i get the fuck up and run for the door
>the tards notice me and charge like fucking wolves on the hunt
>i reach the door and one lunges at me getting my shoe, but i manage to open and get out the door
>fuck that shoe man, fuck, that, shoe.
>sprint the fuck out of there and ditch school immediately knowing shit isnt going to go well
>ive only heard stories of what happened after but apparently those tards managed to knock out two of the wranglers and seriously fuck up the other 3
>they went on a rampage through the fucking school with shit flying everywhere
>it only ended when police and the tards parents showed up subduing them all
>i never got my shoe back
>i really fucking liked that shoe

>>560005549
Lost

Kevin Wulf, THIS tard supreme

>8th grade lunch break
>sitting on top of this hill we had, napping on and off
>hear this just medley of sounds that is only comparable of a rat being set on fire
>buck naked Kevin comes streaking past
>shit EVERYWHERE
>he's running in such a way where his piss and shit is getting kicked back up behind him
>poor ancient Asian lady is his wrangler
>both of them just covered in shit and piss and mud
>starts coming my way
>oh shiiiit hit the deck!
>roll off of the bench I was on barely quick enough to see Kevin hit it at full speed and flip over it, shit flinging in the air behind him
>how much shit can one tard contain
>he is now covered in his own shit, blood and dirt
>flailing, screaming "BEYBLAAAAADE"
>Starts screaming that I tripped him.
>eyes lock

My life was changed that day. Tards never forget.

>>560010891
Kek

>>560008110
Was she a tard?

>>560011102
Had to be to date Anon

>>560006567
Can confirm, this is worth the read...

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>>560010983
>beyblade

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>>560008110
Is she a tard? If yes, then sure

>>560005763
Hodor

>>560009232
toppest of keks

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>>560007704
>proud independant black woman who dont need no man

Lost at start.

>560000000

>>560011687
Bet it tastes like running fast

>>560010771
stfu cunt

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>>560010983
>Bout a year later
>9th grade, usually pretty burnt out
>At lunch with my assorted friends
>everything is pretty fine
>faster than anyone can react a whirlwind of shit and pasty flesh comes flying down the table
>mfw when I realize it's Kevin
>he has two wranglers now, huge landwhale texan lady and a huge black dude
>trying to sweet talk kevin down
>his stomach must be dense as a dying star full of shit
>dual wielding fists of shit, flinging it everywhere
>still screaming about beyblades and sounding like a burning rat
>black dude makes a screaming grab
>mouth full of shit, and punched in the face
>Kevin turns his eyes to me
>face of shock on both of us
> "ALHJFJBFHJHGF TRIPPED MEEEEE"
>oh no
>I take another dive as shit flies at me
>we had those tables that fold up if you pull a lever, kevin is standing dead center
>pull that lever like it can cure cancer
>table folds down, both sides crash on on kevin, the force sending shit everywhere and now he pisses himself
>just stand there, shocked that it worked
>go to next class, barely able to contain laughter at having seen two grown people having to pull a piss and shit covered person from between two tables.

Little did I know.

Tards do not forget.

>>560009232
Not that good

>>560010983
I had a full on tard unit at my high school and in my 6 years there I never experienced any running downy naked hysteria.

a 6/10 fucked a downy in the library conference room when I was in 10th grade though.
>and 4 years later I lost my virginity

>>560011821
My sides, Anon, my fucking sides

>Be 17, junior in high school
>Have IB chemistry in the new wing of my school's annex building
>Compared to the rest of the annex, this hall has the best restrooms
>Two stalls, one with urinal and one that could house a family of six niggers
>There's also a restroom within the restroom marked "Teacher's Lounge", where the teachers may drop their loads away from students
>Teacher's lounge always locked
>I piss like a racehorse in the urinal stall because I'm a nervous pisser
>Hear a sound I've always dreaded hearing since my days in primary school
>"HEEUAHGIAKGHAKGHA"
>PC muscle clenches and my stream of piss stops as I listen to the mating call of the yellow-striped tard
>Hear the jangle of keys, the fucking wrangler is putting him up in the teacher's lounge
>Unclench my kegel muscles after I hear the door close and finish pissing
>Washing my hands when a foul smell rapes my nostrils
>Tard and wrangler come out of the lounge, there's shit on the tard's shirt and pants
>They left the door open and the wrangler decided to radio in for a janitor
>Look inside
>There's a buttload of shit all over the fucking walls, toilet, and even in the sink from where they washed it off his fucking hands
>Shut the door and saunter back to chem class
>Five minutes after I get back, teacher gives us a quiz and leaves to go to the restroom
>After a few minutes, he comes back and tells us about how a tard smeared shit all over the walls of the teacher's lounge
>Class loses their shit laughing at the shit

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this happened to me yesterday

>standing at the bus stop
>just finished work
>see limp walking guy with cap approaching
>there's a bicycle path between the bus stop and the pavement he's walking on
>he stands for 10 minutes on edge of pavement making strange movements with his legs
>''h-h-hey youuuu, can you help me cross?'', he barely manages to say it
>ohgodno
>look to the left and right of bicycle path
>grandma approaching half a mile away
>''It's safe to cross now''
>''NO GOD DAMN IT DON'T YOU SEE HER
>he's pissed off
>spit drops from the corner of his mouth
>he wipes it every time with his hands
>''YOU HAVE TO COME HERE AND HELP ME CROSS
>other people at bus stop looking at me
>decide to help him cross the 2 yards wide bicycle path with no one cycling nearby
>as I approach him he grabs my hand with his spit covered hand
>oh god he's gonna assault me
>he runs to the other side of the path Usain Bolt speed
>he spent the entire bus drive talking about the dangers of cyclists


pic related. Its the ''dangerous'' path I had to help him cross.

>>560011830
BUFFALO WINGS

>>560011932
The other tards in the school were not bad, I mean as far as tards go. Give them their Yugioh and juice boxes and they were content to stay in their padded room.

Not Kevin, though.

>>560005763
ive got a similar story.

>be grade 11
>highschool is close to a university, tons of places to smoke weed n shit
>school ends and all the kids flood out
>the usual stoner group of my grade and i start to walk to this wooded area
>look back see some tard is following us
>a couple of the girls with us start getting worried hes some sort of secret agent retard who reports shit to the principal
stupid as fuck, i know
>go try to talk to tardman about what hes doing
>after about 3 solid minutes of conversation, his pupils widen
>hes ready to make his move
> says "w w w w waitt what is tthat right there"
>lowqualitybait.gif
>two girls fall for it
>grabs both their asses
>fucking splits out of there faster than the semen shot out of his dick
>all hail trevor, alphatard

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>>560002898
>be anon
>Scrolling through 4chan
>See thread about some tard scraping jahuar
>See some faggot being faggot.
>Did nothing

>>560012397
Kek

>>560011990
Boy that sure looks dangerous.
>0/10 would not cross alone, far too spooky.

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>>560011974
>one that could house a family of six niggers


fucking literally lolled

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>last week
>after school, mom asked for buying stuff
>waiting in queue
>guy in front of me have Walmart shirt
>wtf
>also screaming at cashier
>I JUST WANT SOME PENISE BUTTER!
>she tries to talk to him but screaming to loud
>inconspicuously changed queue
>paid, walk out
>same retard almost drove over me with a fucking cart train
>"Wow, that was close!"
>I will show u, motherfucker, what "close" means
>next day kidnapped him and made sex slave forever

One retard less for our glorious Walmart.

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Violent one here.

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>>560011953
Moar? Moar.

>hadn't seen or heard of kevin in a while
>Last month of 11th grade
>winding down after finals and shit
>gotta take a leak
>going piss, nothing on my mind, bathroom really smells like shit, though
>"beeeeeey...blaaaade"
>mfw i turn around and see clearly strap shoes under the stall
>desperately try to get my dick back in and haul ass
>too late, the stall flung open
>as if his own feces empowered him, this tard supreme is covered head to toe in it
>jfc he didn't get any on his shoes
>not a wrangler in sight
>"Uh. Hey Kevin."
>burning rats of yore
>his clothes were in the toilet, he appeared to have taken them off, put them in the bowl, shat on them, and then used said poop to coat himself
>like a screaming shit banshee he launches himself at me
>haul ass out, leave door to swing
>was not deterred by heavy door smacking into him, door swings open
>skreeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
>ohfuckohfuck
>I am going to have to beat up a tard covered in shit.
>run down ramp fast as I can muster
>turn to see status of incoming shit missile
>he fell. he fell getting caught on the ramp's non-skid stripes, face first into a streak of his own shit.
>now flailing on the ground screaming about beyblades, FINALLY tard wranglers show.
>tfw you have to watch grown people handled shit covered men.
>They apologize profusely, saying he slipped out unnoticed.
>dunno how you miss kevin
>he keeps slipping free due to the shit and falling back in the increasing pool of piss and shit.
>"TRIPPED ME"
>God. Damn. It.

They never forget.

>>560012527
Yeah that's what I thought. The fact that he got so fucking pissed off and practically dragged me across while he asked me to help him. Fucking potato

>>560012560
you are the greatest retard for posting that shit story

fucking kill yourself you retarded cunt

>>560012639
>Moar? Moar.
fucking tard

>>560012639
What's with stars and smearing things with shit? Fucking animals, I'm sorry

>>560012586
nice one. Anyboy has some bloody amateur stories like this?
May make proper thread

>>560012835
Fuck off.

>>560012851
>stars
I have never seen a star smear anything with shit.

I have seen retards post more stupid shit on /b/ than your post, but not many

>>560012939
do I hear jimmies rustling?

>Be me
>Went to a school where the retards were kept segregated in their own block
>As a result I have no funny retard stories
feelsbadman.jpg

>>560012952
Meant tards, don't fuck me over about it.

>>560012835
>>560012952
>>560012991

Look who it is again, ID Heaven. I'm fed up with your shit faggot. The other day when you called me a newfag, yeah, haven't forgotten about that yet. Fuck you I've been on here for months and probably get on here more than you anyways. Don't you know that you make yourself look like a newfag when you call others newfag? Just because you learned how to hack your name and change it to "Heaven" does not give you the right to disrespect anyone at any time.

>>560013038
you fucking retard, /b/ is fucked, bumping dont do shit you fucking spastic cunt

>>560013084
Sure you do, know anything about your birth?

>>560012639
Could send nasa to find my side's? Thank's.

>>560013098
too bad that you fucked up you first post on b newfriend

>>560013130
Again? I've only been lurking here for a while now.

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Throwing some out there

>>560013164
You're so witty anon. You're like Oscar Wilde or something. I bet you get loads of pussy.

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>>560013198
>"fucked up you first post on b newfriend"
>simple spelling mistakes

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>>560012801
>be some faggot
>shitpostin' bout shitpostin'
>implying this didn't happen
>youunbeliverpoorboi.webm

Keep dreaming about taking my fattey penise into ur anuse, gai boi.

Fucking retards.

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>>560013341
shut the fuck up retard

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2/?

>>559994952
Samefag
And it wasn't even good.

>>560013262
I need a boat, I'm drowning in it.

>>559997013
>caviar
>wal-mart

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>>560013193
I only ran into Kevin one more time. This was recent.

>been 6 years since last incident
>finished school, did 4 year tour in Navy, took year off in Colorado, moved back home to care for Cancer patient Grandpa
>went on walk with wife
>decided to get Burger King on the way hom
>delicious, delicious chicken strips
>walk in, and who should be sitting there in the middle of BK
>It's Kevin. Clothed thankfully with who I assume was his life wrangler.
>grown ass man eating happy meal
>noticeably tense up, wife asks why, tell her not to worry
>manage to get order and sit unnoticed
>mfw when the screeching starts
>he saw me
>he saw me and is now atop the table, pointing and screeching like a thousand burning rats dragging nails on a chalkboard
>wife is spazzing
>His poor life wrangler, middle aged woman, must not have seen him do this yet.
>like he fucking practices in his spare time his clothes are coming off
>fuck this noise
>leap from my table, haul ass over and slam my shoulders into his knee as hard as I can
>he flies back, still screaming and SLAMS the back of his head on the thing where they keep all the condiments
>falls in a heap on the ground, knocked out
>jfc he's still managing to piss and shit everywhere
>life wrangler screaming at me
>"Sorry, didn't mean to trip him."

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>>560013545
>ur rait
>schudnt be telkieng schit bot u
>sry bro
>derstend muh mistooke
>schudnt b pissin u off
>u so angre and dengeros
>u so kool

Muh masta.

>>560013127
Fuck you Heaven's awesome

>>560013695
Retards never forget.

>>560013713
Hello, newfriend

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>>560009550

>>560013650
tldr

>>560005549
kek

>>560003476
HAYPIL

I am 40 years old and big, in a menacing sort of a way. (Actually, I'm a pussycat.)

Was walking through town recently with an old friend (since childhood) who has Downs Syndrome. Crossing a gridlocked road, a young man in a car with his chums starts yelling out of the window about "mongs".

HFW I insert a tin of chopped tomatoes from my shopping bag through his rear window and he's too frightened to get out and remonstrate.

Scum who think it funny to bully people with learning disabilities better watch out.

>>560013952
Tl;dr: Robbie the tard's a pretty cool guy.

>>560014229
>Actually, I'm a pussycat
>Actually, I'm a pussy

fixed

>>560014229
>HFW
no face

>Scum who think it funny to bully people with learning disabilities better watch out.
it is funny you fat cunt, your friend should have been put down at birth

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>>560014269

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>be 11th grade
>have really stupid class
>public speaking
>pretty much full of niggers, retards, wiggers, and socially awkward fucks
>there's this one kid in there, Rico
>he has tourettes pretty badly, will just randomly shake and such
>well, being in a public speaking class, we have lots of projects where we have to give speeches and such
>one day this girl is giving a speech about some dumb shit nobody cared about, but we all stay quiet so we don't get points deducted
>in the middle of her speech, she clearly loses her train of thought, and takes a few awkward seconds to collect herself
>it was in those crucial few moments Rico made his move
>with the force of a star going super nova, he expels from his lungs:
>"SIIIIIIIILEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEENCEEEEEEEEEE!"

Nearly died holding in laughter.

>>560014417
Kek

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>>560014269
we have had that one you dillweed

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>>560012397
another trevor story because bored of lurking

>grade 11 still
>lunch hour
>area right across from the school is some shitty old field, with a parking lot
>this field/parking lot is where all the smokers go to pull darts at lunch an shit
>trevor has been lurking around but never fully committed to coming to the field
>musters up the courage one day, walks over with his pimp as limpy retard walk
>someone says "hey trevor"
>looks puzzled
>wtf m8
>starts pacing and mumbling to himself getting all worked up and shit
>seems to be more calm, limps over to the parking lot
>starts fucking with this one girls vespa, like smelling the seat or someshit
>girl comes out for a dart
>"wtf is trevor doing to my scooter? hey trevster could ya stop that"
>tardism intensifies
>rage has been formed deep within
>pushes over the vespa
>runs over to field, picks up this hunk of cement that has broken off of the side of the road
>chucks it in the general direction of the girl
>swing and a miss
>wrangler comes out to make sure hes eaten his 3rd lunch
>wrangler dude is fucking huge
>does the ol finger through the belt loop trick, carries the trevster as he struggles for freedom
>mfw

>>560014481
Agreed. Tards are best for comedy, but other than that they're of no use to society. I'd keep a few in zoos and circuses tho

>>560013084
>be about 10 or 11
>got a few tards in my school but one that stands proudly above the rest called brandon
>on a few occasions go into bathroom with pals and there is either shit smeared walls or hes in the process of smearing them
>hes an aggresive retard when hes not smearing shit he thinks hes some kind of badass
>on field at break playing with friends
>occasionally this tard would fuck with us we would just tell him fuck off
>this we can see him looking at us so we think fuck it lets go inside
>friends go but my jumper is on floor nere retard so i have to hang back tell them ill catch up
>brandon realises the situation at hand and how im eyeing my jumper at his feet
>hes stood there staring at me arms held like slightly further apart from his sides then normal and hes making a claw kind of shape with his hands
>he runs at me and takes a swipe at my face
>successful blow hes scratched just below my eye
>i think fuck it make a dash for my jumper
>he pounces on me while im running takes me to the floor
>hes ontop of me i think fuck this had enough of this tard
>punch him in the head he falls off but trys to grab me again
>i kick him in the head
>fuck this im ending this now
>grab him by jumper drag him over to brick wall
>grab his head with both hands scrape it back and fourth accross the bricks a few times
>face covered in blood, making sounds which can only be described as a dying turkey, a high pitched wuwuwuwuuuwuwuwu
>shit i went to far
>ran for jumper got the fuck outa there
>teacher is some hard ass ex military badass, screams at ten year olds like its nothing
>hes red in the face trying to find out whos done it
>brandon is to tard to name call so he has to point out
>end of day bell goes
>shit when i come into school tomorrow hes gunna get me fucked
>tommorow is last day of term before 6 week break
>tell mum full story and thats why i cant go in tommorow
>mum lets me have day off
>spend day playing on trampoline thinking fuck ye

>>560009863
lold

>>560014620
Slight kek at end

>>560014620
>bathroom with pals
nigga you gay

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>>560002676
>>560009516
>>560012801
>>560012939
>>560013038
>>560014175
>>560014995


>be anon
>inserting penuse into tard thread
>thought bout tard stories
>but people think they should to act like tards

Great job. Fucking retards.

>>560014775
>be about 9
>first day of term got new kid under cover retard i dont think he his parents or teachers knew he was a retars
>much taller then all of us lanky for a 9 year old has glasses called ryan
>after first break time with him we gage that hes some faggot nerd and not on the same wave length as us
>beggining of term maths test
>asks us question then we have 4 different possible answers we circle the answer we think is correct
>ryan cant get his head round the concept of this
>its the ex millitary hard ass doing lesson
>ryan says basically wat.jpg how do the test
>teacher thinks hes joking
>my teachers a hardass he wont come talk to you individually he will speak to you from front of class so everyone can see you be tardin out
>starts to get frustrated with ryan not understanding
>ryan starts to laugh nervously then thats when teacher goes into all out millitary mode
>starts screaming at this kid 'HOW DO YOU NOT UNDER STAND IT THERES 4 QUESTIONS YOU CIRCLE THE ONE YOU THINK IS RIGHT YOU LITTLE BRAT DO YOU NEED YOUR BRAIN TESTING'
>me and my pal just put out head in our arms trying not to laugh
>ryan breaks down whaling and crying
>long story short ryan gets sent back perminantly 3 years below he was at
>mfw lanky 9/10 year old walking round with a class of 6 year olds

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Alright, here's my story.

>be me
>13
>in middle school, walking to my next class with heavy ass binder because I kept everything in there
>Wearing ketchup shirt, pic related
>doing my thing, when suddenly I hear the sound
>ohshit.jpg
>the sound of the worst tard in the school, Chiebuka
>He's accompanied by his tard wrangler, bitchy middle aged woman
> he's not your everyday tard, but a short violant niggertard
>Runs up to me yelling some tard babble
>tardwrangler says "He said he really likes your shirt"
> just say thanks
> chiebuka yells "I LOVE KETCHUP" in semi-inaudible autist language
> whatever
> later that day
> sitting at cafeteria with friends
> suddenly, I feel a cold paste squirt onto the back of my neck
>what the fuck
> then, Chiebuka starts licking the fucking ketchup off the back of my neck and shirt
> tard sneak attack on anon harbor
> im a tardaphobe, I freak out, and get my shit and run out
> Chiebuka is intent on licking the rest of the ketchup off of me
> chasing me down the hallway
> run into nearest room
> main office
> tard gaining speed, catching up to the fatass anon I am
> open next door I see, run in room, slam door and put table in front of it
> basically barricaded myself in
> look around in room while holding door back
>"Anon?"
> holy mother of god
> I realize im in the vice principals office
> real nice dude, just staring at me holding a door with a table and having tard screams at the opposite side
> awkwardly smile
> hey there sir...
> three more tard wranglers are disbatched from tard hq
> they contain the tard
> finally open door to see a screaming tard
> tard gains inner strength to break loose from his captors and lunge at me screaming
> my reaction: chuck my heavy-ass binder at his face
> delivered perfrct headshot, +100 points
> tard falls back screaming and crying, being taken away by fellow tard wranglers
> mfw

If you guys want more stories, I have a metric shit ton of stories with this fuck.

>>560015267
fucking hell you are retarded

>>560006567
11/10 !

>>560006567
a classic piece of literature.
10/10

>>560011974
Oakland High School?

First Tard encounter

>be me in 5th grade
>class is doing a few week long sex ed thing
>notice they combined the class with a few other rooms
>never really been around a tard before
>one day we are watching a movie
>lights off
>typical "this is a penis used for reproduction" boring shit kind of movie
>hear some chuckles every time penis is said on the movie
>notice one laugh sounds really different from the others
>sounds like a VCR eating the tape
>sounds like it's a few seats behind me also
>continue hearing odd laughter
>it's finally starting to bother me
>I need to see this fuck nuggets face
>next time penis is said I turn around and await laughter
>hear gargled tape munching noise
>awildtardappears.jpg
>never been this close to one before
>his face looks like a Mr. Potato head with all the pieces in the wrong place
>feel like I just discovered a new spices
>trying my best not to laugh
>video is finally over and credits are rolling
>suddenly.gif
>tape cuts abruptly to a live birth with the camera facing her showing EVERYTHING
>woman in video is screaming
>classloosestheirshit.png
>tard starts to flip out big time
>beging VCR noises now yelling volume
>runs straight for the door pushing desks out of this way and knocking kids over
>wranglers in pursuit
>after he exits the class it looks like a fucking train went right through the middle of the room
>teacher apologizes for the video
>claims he had no idea that was on there

Was a odd day

>>560015440
>be me
>be about 13
>theres a girl down syndrome
>shes really suggestive though always giving me the sex eyes
>anyway me my friends always talk about how shes hot and stuff
>theres a mini forest in our school field
>we play truth or dare in there alot
>be me with 2 male friends, a female and the down sydnrome female
>playing truth or dare
>its downys go
>my friend dares her to kiss me on the cheek
>she lunges in for the kiss as she does this i grab her by her neck take her to the floor
>with the other hand beat her round the back of the head with a rock i was sat next to
>my other 2 friends lunge at the other girl and tie her up against a tree with a jump rope and gagg her
>i begin to pull downys skirt and pants down in a rush
>my dicks throbbing i make eye contact with my 2 friends and i say 'its time'
>they are hooting and beating their chests with excitement
>in a excited rush i pull my pants down my dick is visibly throbbing i proceed to mercilessly fuck the shit out of this downy
>my 2 friends are masturbating furiously to my conquest
>i bust a nut and pull out
>both my friends lunge at her trying to fuck her
>i turn to the girl tied to the tree
>shes making muffled screams through the sock we gagged her with
>i grab the rock from earlier and with one swift blow i strike her accross the head making her unconscious
>i walk away with a smirk on my faxe
>go get free karten of milk school provides us with
>mfw downy didnt remember what happened
>neither did the other girl
>they thought it was a school intruder

>8th grade
>my friends and I are waiting in the lunch line for food
>usual talking and stuff
>my school has the tards go around picking up the recycling so they have blue trash cans on wheels
>for some reason one tard slams his recycling bin into my friend
>at the moment my friend got so pissed he yelled "FUCKING RETARD!"
>everyone in the cafeteria heard him
>I couldn't contain my laughter

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>>560015440
>mfw
do you even know what that means you stupid fucker

>>560009090
I wish I could talk/type like this. Fucking love you, man.

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>>560016214
>mfw
another fucktard here with his story of lies and no face

>>560009090
Isn't it spelled pickney? Fuck I wanna go to Jamaica

>>560005549
The one good one

>>560009653
good kek
srsly, those tards are sometimes dangerous, they need to be in some hospital

>be me, a giant fucking scratch on a jaguar
>day of my birth some tard's pushing like every fucking cart in the parking lot at walmart
>scratches my mom all to fuck
>"Wow, that was close!"
>tfw when my dad doesn't even know I exist
>tfw when I'm an accident
>tfw when my dad is a retard and my mom hates me for ruining her body

>>560017630
trying too hard newfag