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Hey /b/, I have a piss test tomorrow. I have a friends urine

The stories and information posted here are artistic works of fiction and falsehood.
Only a fool would take anything posted here as fact.

Thread replies: 134
Thread images: 30

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Hey /b/, I have a piss test tomorrow. I have a friends urine in a 5 hour energy bottle in the fridge. How should I go from here?

Dumping this slut
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>>556980162
drink the piss
pass your test
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>>556980162
Suck friends dick
Post pics
Fuck off
??????
Profit
>>
all a nigga needs is a gallon of water, packet of certo, gatorade, and b-12 vitamins

>pour a little gatorade out
>get whole packet of certo in bottle
>chug it all
>take 3 b-12 vitamins so piss is yellow
>chug gallon water

do this 3 hours prior to testing and you pass every time
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I don't understand why companies enforce drug testing.
As long as you do your work and don't show up high, who gives a fuck what you do on your down time.
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>>556980897
mustard gas
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>>556981393
they don't want people who will possibly get arrested and miss work
>>
>2014 and not knowing what an oil-change is
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>>556980897
Hmm, whats Certo, and where can i get some b12?
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>>556981932
Better test if they're prone to violence then.
Better test if they're a pedophile.
Better test if they're a potential rapist i.e. male.
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Just take the clean pee and strap it between your fat legs and nuts a few hours before test... Go in open bottle fill cup pass
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>>556981393
might as well not do a background check either right?
Who cares if you murder people on your own time so long as you do your work and don't show up to work right after killing someone. Right?
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>>556981393
>companies enforce drug testing
what the fuck, I bet you're an amerifat.
I live in western europe and have never heard of shit like that, because we actually respect privacy here.
Please enjoy your freedoms where companies get to rape your civil rights night and day and you guys still think you're the freest nation on earth TOP FUCKING KEK
at least you got guns though. that is the one true freedom, to be able to shoot anyone that steps on your lawn without asking any questions you retarded amerifuck
>>
>>556982523

They normally check for temperature so ideally you want a lighter or a handwarmer to get it up near 80-90 degrees or whatever

If you give them a fuckin room temp piss sample they are going to know you are retarded
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>>556982523
Are they pretty stringent on the temp of the piss?
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>>556980162
first off. take that shit out of the fridge. if you hand them cold piss its a dead give away that it didn't just come from you. Keep that shit warm, its summer so if you leave it in your car it'll warm up to a temp that seems human (98.6 F). Some places will watch you take a piss so either be prepared to deal with this through a little bag connected to a small tube that runs down your dick or go buy a Wizzer (a fake penis that you can fill with piss). Also, you can buy synthetic urine off the net as well. Also, never get piss from a sexually active female. She may be unaware that she is pregnant and they can tell from a piss test if someone is pregnant or not, assuming you are a male, you'd be screwed.
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>>556982815
I can't wait til Megan's nudes surface. Her body is built for fucing.
>>
>>556982641
>doing drugs is the same as killing people

Shouldn't you be circle jerk over the failed economy with your kike friends over on /biz/ you piece of shill shit?
>>
>>556980162

pro tip:
>take latex condom, stretch it out
>pour pee pee in to it
>tie end
>place pee pee condom between armpit
>go to test facilty
>go into stall
>pop open pee pee codum into little cup (it will be warm from your armpit
>???
>profit
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should I keep posting this slut or?
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>>556982815
i've passed 4 drug tests, 2 of them had some kind of thermometer on the side that gave an instant reading....
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>>556982815
Yes they are, had a buddy just do this
>>556982523
a while back. Make sure its within 96-98 and you'll be good, buddy. Also, sauce on the sloot?
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put bottle in butt
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>>556982713
Literally the most retarded post on /b/ at this exact moment. someone post the medal for this russled faggot
>>
>>556983085
Hell yeah keep posting
>>
>>556982641
>might as well not do a background check either right?

Well yes, fucking stupid piece of american shit, you think you're fucking free but you're as free as a fucking lab rat mother fucker.
fuck you.

>>556982713
This anon got it right.
>>
>>556983085
never stop.
wish she was on younow
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>>556980162
Hey dude. I've done this. Bad news is you'll probably need more piss than that. I used a prescription pill bottle and it was almost not enough. What I did was microwave the pee until it was bubbling. I just hit the 30sec button and waited. Then wrapped the bottle in a paper towel, then tin foil. Then I put it where it would stay warm on my body which was inside my bra. You can tape it to your thigh, or try putting it in your underwear to keep it warm. Be careful not to be too noisy and not to be too quick in the bathoom! I used a woman's piss who was over 40 years older than I was and had a ton of meds in her system. They didn't fucking check. Not unless its pain killers or alcohol when you're underage. You can also use pic related next time.
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>>556982713
>you retarded amerifuck
That escalated quickly.
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>>556982026
You're an oil change Joshua
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>>556983212
Megan Turi
>>556983215
was thinking taint, actually
>>
Who is the girl
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>>556980162
wear tight underwear and carry it in next to your dick. pour into cup.
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>>556983085
Yes please. Also, what is her name?
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>>556980162
go buy hand warmers...... wrap the 5 hour energy bottle up with the handwarmers and secure with rubber band..... should keep temp right at 94-100. Then wear tight fitting underwear and hide the bottle with hand warmers next to your taint(practice this first and see if you have to make some diy adjustments). Go take piss test. Did this like a month ago but i used Quickfix
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>>556980162
pour the pee into a condom.
Make sure to heat the condom with pee inside before you take the test cause there might be a termometer on the cup
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>>556983771
Megan Turi
>>
Catheter drainage bag with the urine in it strapped to your armpit. You pull the tube down your back, between your ass cheeks to under your dick. Secure it there with tape. Get a stopper for the tube, remove the stopper while undoing your pants. You can now control the flow of your urine using pressure from your arm and it has your body temp. It even looks authentic.

It always works, got through a lot of tests on my probation with this.
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>>556983819
Hell yeah, thanks
>>
I work in recruitment. Heaps of people fail not because they used somebody elses urine but because it was not hot enough.

dont just think you can take somebody elses urine you need to have warm enough as well.

My advice take one of those hand warmer things and crack it and wrap around the bottle that has the urine. before you go in. then fill the cup. feel it.

To get an idea 38C is where u want it.
go get a thermometer get an idea.

When u take the piss test the temp can always come down not up.

Good luck
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>>556983461
in butt:
>will be perfect body temp
>hassle free carrying

Just make sure to tie a string onto the top so you don't lose it in your colon.
>>
>>556980162
Urine should be hot when you give it, so watch out.
>>
I have to drug test all the time. Do contract work, and before every contract have to test.

Just don't do drugs a week before the test. Drink a shit load of water; to the point where you piss at least twenty times a day. Everything will be stripped from your body, including any drugs you've been doing. weed is the only one most people worry about since it stays in your system longer than a couple days like most other drugs.

Day of test take your b-complex vitamins so your piss is yellow and your all good. Works every time nigga
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>>556982815
My last drug test they litterly had the piss for a WEEK. I didn't even know that you could test it after that long. It needs to be warm anon, but by the time they test it you'll be okay if its not exactly 98.6.
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>>556983067
> walk in the room
>condom pops under you armpit
> have a huge warm pissstain under your arm
> piss drips on the floor and of course
> fail the exam
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>>556984207

For job interview situations do they normally check you for anything? Like can you just go in the stall with your coat still on or whatever?

I took one a while back and it was pretty low-key, just let me go in a stall by myself and piss and come back out

But I was also clean at the time having put the test off as long as possible and double-checking beforehand with one of those cheapie at-home tests
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>>556984426
>weed is the only one most people worry about since it stays in your system longer than a couple days like most other drugs.

Weed will not come out of your body into your bloodsteam if you are actively gaining weight.

THC is stored in your fat. If your body is busy storing new fat from the bacon you've been eating, the stored THC will stay locked away.
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>>556982205
rite aid for both certo blocks thc out your kidneys or something when you piss I guess, it just works
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>>556983241
after you
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>>556982345
They would test for all of those things, if it left markers in your urine.

Cry more faggot.
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>>556984512

would be funny but condoms are pretty damn strong

Also, advice for anyone giving their actual piss and not using fake stuff / someone else's

>never give first piss of the day (has more built up toxins)
>never give beginning or end of a stream (has more toxins)

And buy like 20 of those home test kits off amazon for $5 and test yourself before you actually have to go in
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alright guys im done posting, gonna go masturbate

http://zendella.minus.com/mblmEuFiLok62w

Here's the rest of Megan
>>
>>556983321
>live in Europe
>apparently not allowed to do background checks(?)
>hire someone
>they don't do their job
>fire them
>their skin wasn't white
>go outside
>beheaded by Muslims
>>
>>556984426
I think we need to mention this works for the casual user, but not for someone who smokes weed every day for 2 years like I do. I tried this and it just didn't work for me.
>>
>>556982713
>>556983321
You fucks realize that companies don't FORCE you to do drug testing, right?

They offer a job, and if you step forward to take that job, you have to submit to the drug test FOR THAT COMPANY.

What you call "freedom" is just forcing anyone who actually wants to run business to blindly pick workers out of a hat, who will be sure to disappoint them.

Which is why you're second-world.
>>
>>556984584
They asked me to take off my coat and lock up my bag for the test. Thats why I'm so glad I didn't do the armpit thing.
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>>556985017
>I actively contribute to the unemployment of this world while condemning NEET shitters

I can't wait you rip a giant gash in your throat.
Day of the rope, day of the fucking rope.
Suck my dick FBI.
>>
Places still check piss? I though most were using the mouth swabs.
>>
>>556985528

But you coulda just wore cargo shorts (lol, fashion faux pas) and just kept it in the pocket then?
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>>556982947
You're and idiot, piss spoils at room temperature, he needs to strap that 5 hour energy to his inner thigh before the test so it can get to body temp
>>
>>556980162

Labs usually test the temperature. If you hand them a cold/hot bottle of piss, they'll either assume you are a walking corpse, or trying to pass off someone else's piss. Based on Occam's Razor, which one would you think to be the most likely, if you were in their shoes?

It needs to be at around the temperature of the average human body when you hand it to them.

Also, keep in mind that what you are planning is considered fraud. If it's for a job interview, it's unlikely that they would bother to pursue legal action against you. If it's by court order, it goes from fraud to tampering with evidence, and possible obstruction of justice. It is highly likely that the courts would bother to pursue it, because they've got nothing better to do, and all the money and resources to do it with.
>>
>>556985893
I think companies know everyone is in some kind of drug, mostly weed or research chemicals and they know they would have a lot less candidates if they used a more accurate test. If they really cared they would drug test you more than just when you get hired and promoted.
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>>556985289
Okay, fair enough.

For the Chronic weed smoker then. Like I was before I started contract work.... I went through an ounce every 3 days on my own. I had 3 days to clean up before my first piss test. the only thing that got me through it was a strip cleanse drink. You can get them at any head shop. Follow the instructions exactly and it is supposed to hold the thc in your body for your test. It worked for me..I hear it doesnt work for some people but I almost think they just didn't follow the instructions exactly
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>>556985969
I stuffed it into my bra, hence all the heavy packaging I used. Its way better to have the piss taped to your thighs if you don't have breast. Pocket...ehhh not the best idea. Just use tape it needs to stay warm.
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>>556985535
You want to bring down unemployment?
Kill yourself.
I'm serious.
Always bitching about what you think your "rights" should be, but in the end you want legislation that makes anyone who isn't you have to swallow your cock.

Like, you seriously think you should be able to come to work strung out, half-ass it, and get paid. Hell, you probably think you should be automatically given a job (but the one you want), and be paid unconditionally no matter how shit you do it or even if you don't show up.

Well guess what, fuckstain? If that were how things worked, pretty much everyone would work as a food taster, game tester, or pornstar, and supply and demand would break the fuck down.

Why don't companies want to hire druggies? You think it's some irrational paranoia? Fuck no! If the drugs were legal, they still wouldn't hire you, because it hurts the bottom line, and guess what happens when a company goes in the red for too many years? It fucking flips and there you go, more unemployment.

Take the dick out of your ass and stop pretending that drugs are just a lifestyle choice in a vacuum, with no effect on anything around the user.
>>
>>556986454

Also you can always buy two if you aren't poor and test yourself a day or two prior with an at-home kit (cheap as fuck)

Worth it for the peace of mind especially if you need the job
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>>556986561
too long didn't read
go suck your father's dick faggot.
>>
>>556985969
Oh i forgot they DID make me turn my pockets inside out so that is also a no go for that reason.
>>556986020
If piss spoils at room temp then why was the lab able to test my piss after a week? After 1 week it got to the test lab after coming from the local hospital where I took the test.
>>
>>556986636
Yeah definitely. The worst part is the anxiety you feel before the test. So some peace of mind is worth it if you can afford. The drink is average around 150$
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>>556986454
Can you tell us the brand you used? I was going to do that but I was too afraid it wasn't going to work.
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>>556986821
Because they put it in a fridge, have u ever smell or seen stale piss? It's a lot different then fresh piss, and will usually cause an automatic fail
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>>556982345
ok well obviously they can't do that but since they can drug test they do. Are you fucking retarded?
>>
>>556986679
>>556986561
translation: I lost
>>
>>556982713
What country are you from? I bet it's in at least a mild depresseion. You are just mad that your country doesn't excel at everything worth exceeding in (I.e. research, sports, media, etc.). It's written all over your post. Even if this is bait, my statement holds. America is the best country in the world. Our influence is everywhere and people would die to live here- from the lower class to aspiring researchers to media folk. You are so butthurt. See yourself out.
>>
>>556987292
...Where have you smelled/seen stale piss anon? Are you a parent? Thats just a weird way to put it. But anyways so I'm assuming then they test the temp then they fridge it? Anyways I used heat so I was good.
>>
>>556987557
Translation: I'm a fucking faggot.
>>
>>556987557
>retard thinks internet debates mean anything
>especially internet debates on faggotchan of all places

Please feel free to kill yourself you waste of cum.
>>
>>556987652
I'm not, I've been in public bathrooms which reek of that shit, and that's correct that they check the temp first then refrigerate, I've been tested way more times then I can count
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>>556987140
I believe it was "strip nc" check it out on google. It was almost 4 years ago that I used it, but this bottle is what I'm certain i used.
>>
>>556983215
Yes ,put bottle in butt. take pics. put on /b/ for good luck
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>>556987595
I'm from Germany and our economy is doing pretty good.
Companies are not allowed to inquire data about any employees health background or even do obligatory drug testing because we're not in as rotten a state as the US is apparently.
The only way to go through that kind of testing is if you are looking for a job in the police or army.
>>
OP, research something called Fruit Pectin. You can buy it at Target where I live. Buy a big bottle of your favorite diuretic (i prefer grape juice) and the morning of the test, drink the ENTIRE bottle, while mixing the Fruit Pectin in at a ratio of 1 tablespoon Pectin per 1 cup juice. Make sure to piss at least twice before the test, more is better. The pectin keeps the THC stored in your body, away from your urine.

At this point your urine should be crystal clear, but that's a red flag for drug testers, so drink a big energy drink get enough Vitamin B to turn it a normal color, and viola.

I passed a drug test for a job at a hospital using this method. Although I did refrain from smoking for one week before hand, and I have a rather high metabolism, so if you're a fat fuck or you smoked today, this may not work.
>>
>>556987595
Lol, you think sports are worth excelling in.

I'm sure your country is such a better place because some meatheads can make more than a doctor just for throwing a ball around and causing concussions.
>>
>>556982713
this is the truest post ever
the USA is a fucking shit country full of mostly retards
>>
>>556989275

pretty weird that the global economy is completely dependent on America and the US dollar then
>>
>>556988467
The lower class and all of the unfortunately bad things that come all with it (i.e. drug use) is definitely a growing problem here. It sort of makes sense given the size and diversity of America. People are not going be as uniform as they would be in a smaller country like Germany, so you are going to have to account for things like drug use in large, diverse populations. Drug use has been ahown to effect work performance, so there's that. I don't have a problem with it. People will complain about anything.

Btw, lol at the fact that we are speaking english, you fucking nazi.
>>
>>556989087

Yeah cuz URup doesn't pay soccer players exorbitant amounts of money to play a child's game
>>
>>556989087
I don't really care that we excel in sports. A lot of people across the globe do, though, which is why I listed it as one of the many different fiwlds we are superior in. Good try, though, you fucking imp. Keking my ass off at your life right now.
>>
>>556990312
>implying i'm a european?

>>556990191
drug use certainly does effect performance. give your employees free cocaine and they will be 200% more productive. give them free weed and they wont come in and shoot everyone up.
>>
>>556991090
>>implying i'm a european?

Nice backtracking. Please tell me what glorious country you reside in where celebrities and athletes aren't paid more than doctors/scientists

Try harder
>>
>>556990990
A lot of people across the globe believe in religion, does that make it something we Americans should be proud of?
>>
>>556991090
How can I backtrack if I never stated where I lived? You know what happens when you assume. You make an ass out of yourself.

captcha: vitalsta rational
>>
>>556991465

good job not even knowing how to reply correctly

whatever country you're in sure sounds like shit since you wont mention it and avoid the questions

WHAT GLORIOUS COUNTRY DO YOU RESIDE IN WHERE CELEBRITIES AND ATHLETES ARENT PAID MORE THAN DOCTORS / SCIENTISTS
>>
>>556980162
Do an oil change
http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=oil+change
>>
>>556990140
Pretty weird the American economy is completely dependent on China then.
>>
>>556992258

Or we just use them to make shit cheaper that we don't want to make?

What is the global currency again used in pretty much all cross-country business transactions ANON?
>>
Pretty weird that America is over a trillion dollars in debt then.
>>
>>556980162
>take piss in bottle
>lube your dick with it
>jack off to her pics
>drink her piss
>shoot load in it
>make her drink it
>Profit???
>>
>>556991286
How do you excel at religion?

Are you an idiot?
>>
>>556992773

And yet that debt means absolutely nothing since we control the global economy.

I know you're trolling since you can't be dense enough to think that America's debt actually means anything on the global stage


>As of Q1 2013 UK government debt amounted to £1,377 billion, or 88.1% of total GDP,

>Due to the Government's significant budget deficit, the national debt is increasing by approximately £107 billion per annum, or around £2 billion each week.
>>
>>556992450
You know that when China decides to fuck the dollar up, of which they still have TONS thanks to US investments, America is screwed?
The US is fucked when China decides to stop theorie massive scale-trade with the US (the US imports more from China, not the other way around) and starts more seriously, which could happen since China's European investments have already excellerated at tier-1 speed. Get off your high horse already.

English isn't my mothertongue, so that's why things might be unclear
>>
>>556986028
>>Occam's Razor
>Tries to sound intelligent, quotes the movie Contact.
>>
>>556993556

The US will never be fucked because we have the most corrupt and devious politicians in the world who will never let us NOT be the #1 player on the global stage

The fact we have enough nukes to destroy the world 100x over and a defense budget greater than the next 20 countries combined means they've kinda already planned for that shit
>>
>>556981393
companies also get large tax incentives from the govt to have a zero tolerance drug free work place.
>>
>>556993734

To add - you can see from the last recession that if the US goes down the rest of the world is coming along for the ride

Another country might be top dog after all the dust settles but the entire Earth will be starting at square one
>>
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>>
>>556980162
Here's a thought. Dont' use drugs that are banned where you work and are easily detected for weeks after you use them, and you don't have to walk around with a friend's urine in a bottle.
>>
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>>556993954
>>
>>556980162
Put bottle in ass op.

I'm serious. It'll be really uncomfortable, but it'll work.
>>
>>556993979

protip, people are usually in this situation because they are interviewing for a NEW job

also these drugs are now legal in certain states despite the fact employers can still drug test for them
>>
rule 34 this bitch, need info.
>>
>>556988757
Do this and you will shit yourself for a week.
>>
>>556983997
Oh man I remember this girl. I was in stitches when we made her make her youtube private.
>>
>>556993734
So you basically said the US can do nothing else but hope they can controll the world with their weapons, which would be absolutely useless since when they decide to nuke the shit out of Earth they won't have any trading partners left?
>>
>>556994384
So, if you're applying for a 'new' job, don't partake for a couple of weeks. Its not rocket science. Buy a testkit from amazon, test your piss and make sure you're clean, then take your preemploy test.
>>
>>556994643

No I'm saying if the US can't win they will scorch earth everything else in the process before letting lmaoCHINA rule the world
>>
>>556994812

that's what i did, i'm not op.

but it's not terribly hard to beat a piss test for weed so stopping for like 3-4 weeks can be a pain in the ass and not always feasible

plus it's the principle of it since employers dont give a fuck how many alcoholics they have working for them

i almost interned for annheuser busch a few years back and they HAIR TEST prospective employees, which is so fucking hypocritical and stupid it hurts

>product kills hundreds of people every damn day
>>
>>556994851
Alright I'm ok with that, I'm gonna go to bed now, happy nuking Anon.
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