Hello denizens of planet /adv/. Age 15-21 I've festered

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Hello denizens of planet /adv/. Age 15-21 I've festered in cyclical thoughts not unlike circles of hell. Tunnel vision? Yup.
These thoughts are about: past traumas/mistakes, body image issues, replaying events in my head, hating myself, death, etc...
And I hate going outside. I like nature but stinky towns, cars, streets, and cities crush my spirits.

My confidence+charisma has gotten so bad that my desire to find a good friend or three to comfortably own a house with and have fun is unrealistic now. Goddamn, how is a crippled and half-deft Eeyore like me ever gonna make more genuine friends?? My childhood best friend has a bf so she's probably gonna get married...fml.

Neglected, abused, fat because I had to cook my own meals from age 4, I was always a ruined human being. I had speech therapy until 5th grade when I became an advanced student. The school thought I was "Normal" and was kicked out of therapy. So, yeah, on top of being socially retarded I speak like a retard. Naturally I've grown to avoid social situations and grew socially anxious.

>my insecurity is pretty accurate. I am incompetent in many ways, and I can't bee myself because there's no one to be

I've never properly built an identity up. Used to be devious and loved to banter with my few friends, usually in a good mood, a reader/drawer/photographer, and confident. College devoured that all alive. Being a kissless autist to begin with it was already debilitating, but in college I became self-aware and egotistical (focused on myself) to a crippling fault. Yes. That's common. I just don't fuckin like it. Like you've guessed, in college I made no new friends and just feel like an alien...except a totally mundane alien, like some sort of ugly little doll full of fluff.

Life worsens to unbearable constraints. I miss my hobbies. I miss laughing and my sense of humor...I miss waking up in the morning feeling alive and ready to conquer the world. I miss the facade of freedom.
What the fuck can I do?