I'm going to preface this by saying I am genuinely here

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In closing, I have no real defense. I know my actions do not signify strength or resolve, but I am terrified of damaging my children. However, I refuse to be stuck in a relationship with an emotionally stunted person who is going to kill me with frigidity anyway.

If you read what I wrote, thanks for taking the time. If you have any advice or well wishes, I appreciate it more than you know.

This is unknown territory for me and I truly do not know what to do. Thanks again.
-VAanon

>>18719566
>How far can I use the leverage of her cutting herself to ward off any fanciful ideas she has about alimony?
What do you mean, 'fanciful ideas'? If she has a right to alimony under the law, why shouldn't she claim it? She's a stay at home mother and she has no source of income, how is she supposed to survive?

>What is the right way to do this without destroying the relationships I have with my children and my family?
Well you already have by having arguments like that in front of the kids. Anything more now is just too little too late.

>Finally- how do I make her end it? Cont..
Why don't you end it? It's not like the law is going to see her as some spiteful woman just because she initiates a divorce and therefore will deny her her rights. It doesn't matter who files

I agree with >>18719574 especially in regards to the kids. Even if you had never directly fought in front of them, they're more perceptive than people realize. All it takes is seeing their mommy and daddy not hugging or kissing much, or acting cold towards each other, and bam! Already gave them a fucked up view of relationships. Chances are that's probably going on, and now they're getting to see you two fight. Don't wait for her to file, don't let your kids see both of you staying any longer in a miserable marriage

>>18719574
1. I have tried to put her through school to finish her degree several times; she has failed out, dropped courses, and generally mucked about until this point in time. I never put a gun to her head and asked her to stay home, you know?

Let me expand on this question; let's leave out alimony. Does the cutting (I can't believe I'm even writing that word) give me ANY kind of leverage at all, in your estimation?

2. That's what I'm afraid of as well.

3. Does divorce have to move to court or can it be settled behind closed doors? Can we simply stay separated until she gets on her feet while making personal concessions to keep our "family" functional? I know this question is a search query away but I'd rather hash it out like this.

Thanks for your time.

>>18719580
Thank you for the reply. And I have no illusions about my role in this- I let it go on much longer than I should have before trying to put our relationship out of its misery.

I'm trying to do it now before something more horrible comes of all of this.

>How far can I use the leverage of her cutting herself to ward off any fanciful ideas she has about alimony?
It might not influence at all, but her cutting might help you out getting custody of the kids because she might not be psychologically okay to handle them.

>What is the right way to do this without destroying the relationships I have with my children and my family?
Explain to them that it isn't working out. Kids can tell when their parents aren't happy and if you have a good relationship with them and explain your side, they'll understand because they too want you to be happy. Also, don't let your new girlfriend get in the way between you and them and always make time for them.
About your family, assuming they're all adults, just say what you told us here:
>I love her because she is the mother of my children, but I have no romantic feelings for her anymore. We don't sleep in the same bed, we rarely have sex, and being in the same room with one another ultimately leads to a fight.

>>18719601
Thank you for your reply. This is basically what I have started to say- and you paraphrased it perfectly. Honestly, the new love interest was a catalyst for this. It woke me up out of this long lull where I had fallen into the miasma of normal societal life and put my own happiness on a shelf. I had become a drone and was wholly numb to everything I loved about life. In all honesty, the woman I'm involved with is, even though I am madly in love with her, the least of my concerns in this whole fucked up tragedy.

>>18719592
You're so fucking stupid it's hilarious.

I'm sure you care about your kids a lot I can tell by the fact that you want to leave your wife a women you literally vowed to god to take care of penniless and alone in the world.

Grats

I think the best thing for you to probably do is kill yourself. But second best would be to give your wife all your money then drive across the entire country and kill urself still.

>>18719620
Thanks for the reply.

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>>18719566
literally the only way to come out of this with your honor and dignity is to cut it off with the younger woman and fix things with your wife.

Do it for your kids.

Obviously your wife is depressed, and I bet you're an asshole to her sometimes. Resolve to make things work, and do it.

You really want your 3 year old daughter to grow up telling the story of how her dad fucked off and broke her family by cheating on mom with some whore? Because no matter how you try and spin it that is how itll play out.


I too am 34, male, 6 year old daughter and my wife is a similar power level piece of work. Man up and do the right thing for the kids.

>>18719587
>I never put a gun to her head and asked her to stay home, you know?
She's still a stay at home mother who has no source of income. Do you want your kids to live in squalor when they're with her or something?

>Does the cutting (I can't believe I'm even writing that word) give me ANY kind of leverage at all, in your estimation?
Why would it? And I'm sure she knows equally damning stuff about you. Hell, all that has to surface is your affair and you've gone from equal parties to you being the bad guy and her the victim.

>3. Does divorce have to move to court or can it be settled behind closed doors? Can we simply stay separated until she gets on her feet while making personal concessions to keep our "family" functional? I know this question is a search query away but I'd rather hash it out like this.
Generally a divorce needs to be done through at least lawyers. If you can't sort out shit between you (i.e. if you can't come to an agreement about the kids or you refuse to give her alimony or her share of relationship property), it's going to head to court.

>>18719629
Of course I don't. And of course I'm an asshole sometimes. But here's the basic gestalt; this isn't working. As I've previously stated, I am not tricking myself into believing that this is ok.

Do I drive myself into an early grave so my kids think better of me, until they realize it was all a pathetic charade in the end? Do I get a new hobby? Do we move? How do you deal with it?

>>18719630
Good to know. And I don't want my kids experiencing any decline in quality of life. You grow up hearing horror stories about how men are raped in court during ordeals like this. I guess that's just part of the game. I appreciate the naked nature of your feedback.

>>18719629
Don't listen to this fucking guy. It's possible to love your kids and be there for them and still be happy yourself. No point in staying in a loveless terrible relationship "for the kids".. like someone else said, they are more perceptive than you think.

I can't imagine how hard it is for you..I am 32 and I just ended my relationship/engagement and it was hard enough without the extra stress of children. I know a guy who broke it off and has a 3 year old son. It can be done, and plenty of people do it.

>>18719738
I appreciate your response. It is the most difficult, painful thing I've ever dealt with. On the outside looking in, it seems easy to avoid and shallow. But it isn't.

And people like to throw around suicide like it's a joke in this kind of situation, but if you are ever in one, it WILL cross your mind. It crosses it so much that at certain points it will be all you persevarate on.

I'm just trying to do the right thing for everyone- and I know people will get hurt. But I'm tired of reading articles and wanted to come here to communicate with real people about this. Because I can't talk to anyone about it in the real world.

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Try to reconcile with her by taking a romantic boating trip without the kids.
Bring anything else you need to lose while you're out there.

>>18719762
Thank you for the levity. As darkly appealing as something like this can be, if she's anything,? she's a good mother. I couldn't deprive my kids of her.

Keeping your wife for the kids is settling, and by doing that you're teaching the same mistake to them. The only way they'll know how to look for a successful relationship and not settle is if YOU don't settle. You're making them follow your steps.