TLDR: Boyfriend using my resources (my home, invites his friends

there is no good way, that's why you have been putting it off. tell him that you feel like he is taking advantage of you. he may get mad but if he wasn't just using you from the beginning he will take responsibility for his own life. seriously stop putting this off. if this ends up some huge sticking point he's not worth your time anyway. if he cares he will change.

>>18710230
If you don't want to broach the topic of how he is taking advantage of you, then frame it as, "I think we should split bills and expenses now that we use the same things." And if he says that's unfair, then split it on a percentage. You said you make more than him? Find the applicable percentage that you can each pay to be fair. You make $50,000 and he makes $20,000? Add it together, you get $70,000. Roughly 30% is from him (20000/70000) and 70% is from you (50000/70000). If a bill is $100, you pay $70 and he pays $30. There you go. Frame it as that.

If he finds that (fair) deal unacceptable, then get into him on taking advantage of you and using you, that you're not his mom, and you're not here to support him.

>>18710260
The thing is I don't think he's doing it on purpose but the root of the feelings is definitely that I feel like I'm feeling a little used and under-appreciated. And you make a good point. If he gets defensive or fights back it's not my problem and not worth my time.

>>18710230
Say that you have an old-fashioned mindset, and that while you like him, you need to know if he can provide for a life together.
Basically hint at him needing to sort himself out.
What kind of skills/education does he your bf have?

So the more I think about it, the more i feel that he just doesn't understand what it's like to own "adulting" assets like a home or a car. I have a good understanding of how hard I worked for my stuff and how much it takes to keep things mine. He doesn't. I kind of see it as him thinking of me as a trophy because I have everything I've wanted and I worked on it on my own. I do want to share my success with him but I feel like I've shared so much with him that it's unfair to me to let someone use so much of what I worked for.

>>18710296
Good point. He works as a manager of a high end restaurant in town. He doesn't have any formal education. I'm a nurse. I feel like I can hint all day that he needs his own but if he never changes and I keep hinting nothing ever happens. And part of me feels like I shouldn't have to tell him he needs to do better and that stubbornness makes me really reluctant to talk to him nicely

>>18710309
That's a tough one. It'll be much harder if he is prone to stubbornness, or worse, anger at being told something. You might end up having to bite the bullet and either confront him directly or end the relationship.

I'm very loathe to say that, though, because I have very little relationship experience myself, and if you love him, this might not even be an issue in the long run.

Maybe you could try tightening how much money you spend, (saving for something, if you need an excuse, make one)? That could force him to step up. I'm sorry I can't get any more specific, and be sure you take into account his personality. I hope everything works out.

>>18710341
Thank you. You've been very helpful. It's stupid how much money affects a relationship.

You MUST have this conversation. Money talk sucks. Try not to make it a confrontation and accuse him of taking advantage of you. Say that you want to work over your budget together. Say that you want to be equal. Focus on saying what you do want to happen, rather than getting bogged down in naming what has happened. The latter might result in arguing about what is or isn't happening. If he turns it around and says anything like, "What, do you not love me enough?" "Do you not like having me around?" Or whatever, shut that down: "That isn't what this is about. This is about fairness."
If he protests about following through, saying something like, "But I'm broke!" that's where you say, "Alright, so let's plan something out that works for both of us."

Have a game plan on how you want things to work. He's been living at your house and eating your food and using your soap and using your car. Maybe he could buy X amount of the groceries and gas? Do you want him to officially move in and pay part of the rent? Do you want to split things half and half, or do you want to make a ratio based off of your incomes? If you go out a lot and you pay, then you'll probably have to pull back on how often you go out. Figure out things that don't cost money for you two to do together.

You sound unhappy with his income. At this point, it doesn't sound like you are in any position to ask him to change jobs. What's your future plan? Do you want to officially move in together? In what kind of place? Do you want to get married? Do you want to raise kids? Would you want to be a stay at home mom, him be a stay at home dad, or double income? Have you talked about these things? You can discuss job changes in the sense of the future. Saying what you would want the circumstances to be before a step can come through. Say, that if you moved in that you'd want both of you to be able to afford half and half. Or if you had kids, that you would want your total income to be X amount.