Does anyone else feel like their parents systematically impeded

Totally. I can't describe it but I really feel like they threw curveballs at me just for shits and giggles.

>>18710201
Realize parents are just grown up children they don't have any inherent parenting skills because procreation has no laws to them.

>>18710220
does that mean i'll act like a child when i'm a parent?

No. They literally gave me every chance, every opportunity, every advantage I could have possibly gotten. I squandered all of it and ended up a college dropout working in a warehouse.

Somehow they were still proud of me being able to live on my own and support myself despite scooting through life on my fucking ass.

Only socially. Every other aspect of my life they were great, they encouraged me and loved me with everything I did.

But during my teenage years they hated my friends and never let me hang out with them, every.
So from 13 - 17 my only social interaction was school, weekends and holidays I stayed home and play world of warcraft.
I would go three months without seeing my friends.
I think it stunted me with my growth socially and I feel like I am always catching up.

I am 23, I finished college, got a great job, live on my own which I am thankful for them for but I lost contact with all my friends and have terrible social skills.
I can't talk to women and as a result I am a virgin.

>>18710201

This can happen, for instance, when one or both parents have a full-blown personality disorder or something. They may not impede your progress quite intentionally, but due to their mental state, they do end up damaging you, and rather systematically too. They may not even realize they are doing this.

Please describe your actual experiences with your parents in greater detail.

>>18710297
what i meant by systematically i meant setting you up for a "no-win" situation. When you ask for help they give you just enough so that it doesn't end up completing the end goal, negating the reason for asking for help in the first place. When you say fuck it and go out and do something on your own, they find out what it is and find some way to intervene or sabotage it.

For the most part, they don't plan into long term solutions that are going to help everyone. And this could be for a number of reasons.

How do you think your parents held you back, OP?

I hate them both from bringing me into this wretched world.

they all do, be being protective and worried, which is normal. and then it's up to you to stick it up to them at one point in your life and say "Mom and dad, fuck you, I'm doing this and you can suck it." And then you prove them wrong or end up being their little bitch that lives in their basement.

>>18710315

Setting you up with insufficient help might seem like a move to frustrate you into seeking help elsewhere, but in that case it wouldn't do to sabotage your attempts to do just that, or to do stuff on your own.

Maybe they want you to ask for even *more* help. Are they trying to make you dependent on them? Possibly they are afraid of loosing contact with you and try to keep you close.

>>18710297
My parents are both incredibly immature, passive aggressive, and have abusive tendancies. My mom has a weirdly short fuse about random things and if she feels overwhelmed about something will blow up and make things a giant deal (for example, if you spilled something on the carpet, she would start ranting about how you ruin everything and how she's never going to do anything for you again). My dad constantly puts other people down, probably either out of insecurity or narcissism, to assert that he's always in control/the best at something/the smartest person in the room/however else he wants to feel. If he ever sees you make a mistake about something, he'll act personally outraged and lose his temper.

Socially, I have a hard time making close friends or forming any kind of relationships because things with them were so unpredictable. And I never really open myself up out of fear that the other person will threaten rejection or start yelling at me after taking offense at something I didn't mean. In general, I feel way behind in social development, like I process things like a teenager, even though I'm in my late 20s.

Professionally, they've done a lot worse. Because I try so hard to stay low key (for fear of making a mistake and being beaten down for it), no one realizes when I'm doing a good job. I also have a fear of authority figures and act awkward around all of my bosses. I'm so scared of criticism (because my parents always made it personal), I have a terrible problem with procrastination, and I hate the thought of people seeing any work I've done.

I've been getting better about this stuff over the past few years, but it's hard. The real turning point for me was when I had to take a seminar on identifying abuse in children (I used to work with kid), and I realized everything about my behavior conforms to how children handle emotional abuse; it helped me realize all of this stuff really isn't normal.

>>18710201
Only emotionally.

I'm 20 now and my mother's dead/father disappeared. Both of them wouldn't let me be emotionally vulnerable with them which makes it increasingly difficult to become comfortable with myself.

Parents are really just old children, some have insight from their time here, others don't.

Ultimately, it's up to us to take what they gave us (life) and do our best with it.

>>18710380

In that case my guess about personality disorders seems to have been at least somewhat accurate. Insecurities and narcissism go hand in hand in the full-blown disorder. I am less sure about what exactly might be wrong with your mother, but in any case you are correct about their behaviour amounting to abuse. Is the "silent treatment" a thing in your family?

I have basically the same problems you describe, for similar reasons. Recovery is slow, but not entirely impossible. You identified the patterns of your behaviour and their cause, so you've already completed the most important step. Get professional help, too. You can't fix your parents if they really have personality disorders, but you can try to fix yourself. Therapy is helpful.

My dad has effectively killed my ability to drive forever. I want to get a motorcycle so I don't have to have anyone as my passenger.

>>18710201
Yes, and they did it completely on purpose. I was the accident. I couldn't be better than their planned lovelies.

My mum forced me to do double the homework I was given in order to get into a school I never wanted to go to. Turns out they let anyone in anyway. After grade 3 I exhibited outstanding academic performance with no encouragement. I was put in a math class two grades ahead, scored off the charts on the standardised testing without even really thinking.

Once I began attending this new school, I was put into an 'enrichment' program with another 4 or 5 of the top kids in the grade and I absolutely hated it. They just gave us extra assignments. All the other kids there were try-hard nerds whereas I never tried; I just had natural ability. After I showed I could effortlessly achieve above and beyond, mum let me be. Dad simply never gave a shit. I feel that perhaps he was envious, or otherwise disappointed, as he was the kind of kid who acted out and hated school. He was never genuinely interested in academia.

After a while, I felt like subjects like math, science, social studies, English, etc, were uninteresting and offered me nothing I'd want to use in my own life. I gravitated towards creative subjects like music, art, design, photography, media, some social sciences. At that point, I think my parents had well and truly given up on me becoming what they wanted.

Mum wanted me to be an academic wizard that graduated from a private school and succeeded hard and fast in uni, dad wanted me to be a musician. While they never impeded my progress, they never encouraged me to do what I wanted. Beyond 8 years old, they never had advice, never helped me with uni or job applications, never encouraged me with my decisions, and never made me feel like a successful human.

They'd get mad at me if I did nothing, if I was too out of shape, if I missed school, if I smoked, drank or stepped out of line. They did belittle me a hell of a lot. I never felt they were genuinely proud of me, but I'm grateful for that. I moved to another city, did my own thing, and I'm proud of myself.

Their divorce caused me to have an intense fear and craving for love, but otherwise not really.

Kind of. My dad is some sort of dipshit status-seeker who feels he needs to spend money on things so people won't laugh at him (ya rly..)

New cars because his co-workers made some passive aggressive remark that he has owned his current car for too long, "omg you have never been to Europe!?" etc. etc.

Long story short he spent what was supposed to be my college money on cars, vacations, constantly remodeling their house, etc. Yes, I could have applied for a student loan but I still feel screwed over. I ended up just taking a job and climbing the ladder. It's not too bad, but it could have been better. Much better.

>>18710201
that's how all conspiracy theories begin. people mistake incompetent mistakes for intentional sabatoge.

I don't know about systematically impeded me but they did make it easy for me to fuck up myself.

My dad was a master at everything relating to wood work, farm work, and most things relating to construction and my mom changed jobs a few times while I was growing up but they were all high up jobs at different companies and she majored in chemical engineering.

They wanted me to do my own thing and my mother would repeatedly say "I just want you to be happy" and would support my interests which were rarely anything productive. While I was interested in smart stuff and learning I never tried to learn any of the practical skills my dad had nor was I ever really pushed to work hard so I never was good at handling academics.

Now I am pretty lazy and don't handle pressure well. I don't have any of the skills my dad has and he will be dead in a few months from cancer so it's too late for me to learn from him. I'm a freshman in college and am pretty much socially inept and have very little grit in the face of academic pressure. so it has been a very rocky start. I am scared of whether or not I can make it in college and after college.

I don't blame my parents for a lot of my problems and sometimes I think I'm just trying to pin the blame on someone else but I do think they were too easy going and were too willing to let me waste my teenage years.

>>18710380
Hey anon fellow survivor here

It's wholesomely relieving in itself to see someone else describe the acute pain that this kind of treatment from parents causes, as the pain often causes me to feel very alone in the misery.

From someone who continues to endure the treatment, how have you been trying to improve things to make life better after rents shit the psychological bed?

My mom was a super fucking bitch growing up and would scream at me, scream at my dad, scream and hit him when he was driving and i was in the backseat. screams went on weekly if not daily. She got mad at him so threw my important possessions at him and wouldnt apologize to me. they almost got divorced and she would use me in her fights with him and talk about how stupid he was to me. They screamed at each other when we visited relatives and wouldnt stop. She also worked a lot so the only time i ever saw her at home she was mad and a bitch.

Of course i felt suicidal and developed mental anxiety disorder that landed me in the inpatient ward for a year.

she was starting to not be a huge bitch anymore but it was a little too late and i think she realized she fucked me up at this point. I was on 8 different medications and a zombie.

At least she supported me and paid for doctors so i would be less crazy. And she paid for my masters degree and now she calls me every week to see how im doing . But im still fucked up and i kinda resent her still.

Its ok though now, i've got friends and i'm relatively happy and stable but i know im gonna off myself one day when I get manic but i guess i care about my mom enough to do it somewhere they wont find me

>Be me
>Moms basically a whore
>Several husbands/boyfriend's
>Some we're abusive when I was really young but I'm big now so not anymore
>6' 4" 185 and I still get scared when the front door opens due to childhood trauma
>There is no way but my way
>Because your parents will always be there for you right
>Left alone most of my life >5 friends
> Became so used to being bullied/ neglected and left alone that enjoy no one's company
>Spend most of the day trying to avoid every encounter possible
> Being alone is more rewarding to me and I found happiness in it
>No one gets that I just like to be left alone

>>18711250
Glad I can help. I know what it's like to realize you're not alone. Until I took that seminar I just blamed most of my issues on mental illness and figured there was something wrong with me; knowing it was normal reactions to abuse felt a lot better.

>how have you been trying to improve things to make life better after rents shit the psychological bed?
I mostly just try to be aware of what I'm doing, and if I think it's unhealthy, I try to change that behavior. It also helps to understand that your parents aren't monsters, just imperfect people who don't know how to treat other people and probably didn't intent to hurt you. Letting go of resentment helps a lot. And when interacting with other people, you have to try to remember that most other people won't treat you the same way.

I haven't been in therapy or anything like that. Sometimes I'll try to find an article about moving on from emotional abuse. Most of them are geared towards women in abusive relationships (which is frustrating, since a lot of the time it feel like people won't take my issues seriously anyway), but some of the information is still good.

>>18711292
I feel like I can't ever gain ground in my psyche, 1 step forward 2 back.

Well, I only sort of blame them for not easing me out of the babying years. I was just dropped on my ass, and well I am a NEET now.
My dad went silent on me all of a sudden when I was around 9. I dont know. I still have no clue. I think he was dealing with some stuff.
Middle school was hell, my mom was stressed, a baby was on the way, my grandmother got dementia and smeared shit everywhere. fights between parents were physical. Got evicted in the middle of high school.

For whatever reason, I studied really hard in high school. Whatever my mom threw at me I did, SATs APs Whatever. I even took my friends adderall but didnt need it. I actually got a confidence boost from it, and I always had a girlfriend.
Looking back, I needed these things to feel like I had a life. I was still reeling from recovering from the bullying in middle school after a happy happy joyjoy toddler years.

Got into one of the best schools in america.
Heres where the pressure starts killing things.
Start uni, all cheerful, everyones high off getting into their dream school. meet friends, ive got a pretty good appearance so again, I leech self confidence from manipulating girls. This gets me more than classes ever could.
stop going to classes. attempt suicide. hang myself with belt in restroom. thing breaks, i forget about it and continue living. life has no meaning.
Start major. move out of dorms. Fall in love with said major, most interesting subject I ever took. Pour all my energy into it. Gain respect of everyone around me but this time I did it out of interest.
Year 3 comes around. Pressure sinks in again. Rethink my work philosophy. Rethink everything. Enter quarter life crisis. Realize I have nothing, everything is contrived. Emptiness.
Workflow slows to a crawl. Friends stopped pushing me, just joke about how I can get by with winging things at the last minute. Nervous jokes. Graduate on time with 2.5 gpa.
Move back home. Went through hell by myself, parents fighting again, decide

>>18711344
to show them my own hell. At first, obedient apologetic son. Do everything to help. On eggshells all the time.
Gets old. The anger builds up. One flare up after another and I stop feeling sorry after. Realize they make me feel sorry for having emotions just to shut me out. Get even angrier from realizing this.
Breathe, get over it gradually. Contemplate parricide. Get over it. Contemplate beheading baby brother and leaving without a trace. Get over it.
success. Got over it. Parents stopped fighting on theit own accord. They just work. Saving up money.
Leaving a legacy. Conflicted feelings. Of course Id love a free house, but I never asked.
Parents gave me the world as a baby, suddenly became emotionally absent. Now they are present. Thought this would release me and my soul. But dont really care after all.
Never thought of building my own life. Never considered it. Weird to now. Wonder how all of my friends were so motivated to get jobs.
Do have aspirations. Dont feel like I deserve to earn them. Try to tackle on dreams, cringe at myself for trying.
Realized Im not happy here. This is not my home. Old girlfriends called me to tell me theyre pregnant. 24 and pregnant, wow.


now realizing I left myself on autopilot for a while. Lived under old relationships and old impressions. Old dynamics. But time has passed, Ive become a man despite my stigma label. Yes, a neet can be a man, albeit a bad one. There are an adult pair of shoes laid out for me. That is the metaphor that represents the extent of what my parents did for me. They babied me when I was a kid, but after that I didnt need it, I needed to be shown that I have to claw out a hole for my self. And yet they still baby me in subtle ways.

old dynamics, dead rhythms. and I really have to get a job.

Oh yeah, I'm tragically socially maladjusted.

One of my most vivid childhood memories is when I was maybe nine. I read a book in my room and the window was open, so I could hear perfectly well what was happening outside. My father was in the garden with my younger sister who was three at the time and he was complaining about me. He was on a rant about how I was stupid, useless, boring. My sister would repeat it after him because she didn't really understand what was happening at the time which probably hurt me the most. She was the only one in the family I really liked.

This story probably sums up my childhood.

What fucked me up the most was the obvious difference in how I and me sister were treated. She was the golden child while they acted like they hated me for no reason whatsoever. Shit, I was the "better" child. I had straight A's, I was more obedient, I never caused any trouble for them. This isn't just my bias, by the way. Years later, my sister confessed to me how she felt guilty for the way they treated me when she had it so much better. She had no control over it, obviously, but she still felt so bad for me that it probably fucked her up in a different way.

It also made me angry that my parents realized that I was gifted and they would brag about me to strangers, yet they would never acknowledge my successes to my face. They belittled me and made me feel unimportant.

I'm successful as an adult because I'm intelligent, but I struggled with intimacy to the point of being a virgin until the age of 23 despite being an attractive girl. I just couldn't imagine that anyone could love me if even my own parents apparently couldn't. My life is better in every way now that I've cut them off.

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>>18710201
Yes but I feel awful for doing so because I know despite her issues she loves me and does try to help me. I can't tell if she did or whether I'm just trying to pass the blame onto her for me becoming a total irredeemable waste of space.

My parents aren't perfect but they did what they thought was best. I do think they sheltered me from other people too much but still they thought it was best.

While my mother did everything she could to ensure that I had food in my stomach and clothes on my back, she was and still is naive.

She never finished school (dropped out at 10tj grade), she kept kicking out and then letting my father back into her life. She couldn't help with homework, she was quick to whip out a belt if I got out of line. She's also abusive verbally. She'll talk down on me with no constructive criticism at all. If you tell her something that's a negative but also a fact about herself, she'll get pissed off.

>>18710201
All I know that they fucked things up quite alot for themselves.