Something my dormmate said about me to some of her friends eventually

you're not special, just obsessive. the non socially anxious don't remember or obsess over every time they had a friend or were the center of attention. Everybody gets varied reactions like you and most of them don't care

Women and shitskins can't be autistic.

>>18709941
>special
Weird thing to say to a person that thinks they're the opposite of special.
>obsessive
Yeah, to a degree,

But my issues is real--I don't have much an identity and you may judge me all I want for saying this, but having an identity and being a self-contained individual with purpose is important to me.

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>>18710062
>is
*are

To clarify feeling empty and wanting to be a more defined person:

I dunno. I always disliked the idea of stumbling through life and that's exactly what I do. Everything's confusing, I live in a very animal-like way minus actually being a hedonist (i.e., partying, having sex, etc.). I literally spent three years in college jumping from one thing to another out of fear--"what if I choose wrong and fuck up my entire life? What if i'm trapped?" Thank fucking god I got over that period of my life. But regardless, the beast analogy comes into play here.

My biggest actions and work have been because I felt like I was trapped like a cage beast, furious and fearful. Cue survival instinct, stress, and then resolution. I fix the problem. But, often, other problems spring up in the long run. The freedom's an illusion and I find that all along the ball and chain were always trailing behind me. A painful burden. I live reactively, not proactively. Thus, I feel like shit. I know I'm shit, my childhood was traumatic and I have issues. But even so I want to be less like a like mess and more like someone. I want to break out of this cycle.

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Bumpity. The two responders totally missed the point.

Bumper.

>>18709913
Gonna just say this; you're not unsalvageable but you are incredibly low in self-esteem.

Thats hard to change. Social retardation can be worked on but its hard. Really hard. And takes time. You have to get used to feeling embarassed or nervous or rejected cos it'll happen a fuck ton.

I worked on my personality for about a year, I tried going on random tinder dates etc, worked out til I was really fit (that helped boost confidence a bit because people I knew commented on how fit I looked I was hugely overweight and went down to a medium shirt size).

You keep thinking everythings an accident and you have no self-worth. Tbf I still felt empty for a while so I just hung around with friends more, and only started to feel properly full when I met my partner. They just made me realise that someone wanted me this much meant that I wasn't a total fuckup.

Just remember that your personality is malleable and able to change. Its difficult but never tell yourself its impossible or be defeatist about it.