Hello /adv/isors, I'm ESL so I'm sorry for any grammar

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Hello /adv/isors, I'm ESL so I'm sorry for any grammar mistakes. Stay a while and read my pathetic story, please.
I've been in psychiatric care for about 7 years now, take about 5 different pills for depression and OCD, and have had therapy with multiple psychologists over the span of my entire life (parents divorced when I was like 3 yo and mom decided it was the best course of action). Even with all of this support I can't stop feeling like nothing will ever get better. My social anxiety goes through the roof in stressful times so I can barely go to college anymore and I can't hold a job for more than a few months. I'm 30 yo and still live with my mom (bless her soul for accepting a failure like me), have no degree yet and not much work experience. I think about suicide often and even when I'm not stressed, I can't feel happy at all, just self loathing, apathy and always waiting for yet another storm. I've been through so many therapists I can't even trust them anymore. I first started thinking about suicide when I was 10 yo and it's always been in the back of my head as a perfectly reasonable plan B, but I know I would end up hurting my family by doing it so I refrain myself from thinking too much about it.
Is there anything I can do to motivate myself to get out of this mess o am I fucked for life?

tl;dr: Even with pills and therapy I think about suicide regularly, what do?