>21 years old >Can't stop feeling that suicide isn't

Feel connections with animals instead? Unconditional bilateral love. There are very few people I would choose to save over my dog. If someone came into my house and forced me to shoot my dog or a stranger he dragged in with him, I hope the stranger has his affairs sorted.

>>18674083
A part of me can't see an animal as anything more than a mentally stunted human being, but I might be able to do it if I try.

My dog's don't depend on me though.

I'm not delusional enough to have a love that deep with an animal. I might as well get a 2D waifu at that point, but a dog is more tangible than that.

I always get erect when my dog cuddles me because I can feel her need for affection.

You may be on to something here.

>>18674091
While the connection might never be as emotionally deep as potentially possible with a human, a dog will never betray you, never stab you in the back, never scheme, never lie, never take out their shitty mood on you, never disappoint, never make you feel like shit and never make you cry.

Like I said, other than family, my SO and a few select friends I would put anyone in the ground before I harm a hair on my dog.

>>18674074
I've been suicidal before, and meds and some good advice from a psychiatrist helped me a lot. I think you're smart to look for help, even just by making this post.

>>18674133
A part of me isn't looking for help so much as another way.

I don't believe I suffer from depression, but I'm going to kill myself despite this. I just don't want to live in this world anymore. It's just not worth it, and it's very disappointing. I absolutely hate my life because I absolutely hate the calibration of the world at large, and there's no way to change it aside from either acclimating (escapism into fictional worlds/drugs/religion/relationships) or dying, and I don't want to escape anymore.

A life can be quite powerful if spent properly as a source of change. You'll die as part of it or at the end of it anyway, so why not delay at least that long? Also, you may make a mental judgement that plays out in your head, but until you actually do that thing, you're just running a simulation that most likely is not perfect. You've already admitted that you feel your brain is deteriorating. While the chance may be small, you would have to admit to yourself that there is a chance that something is fucked in your head, something that could potentially be unfucked. Though then you have to answer if someone COULD offer you a change of perspective on life (mind-altering drugs, therapy, etc.), would you even want it? More importantly, would you want it from a different perspective (the potential "you" with an adjusted state of mind)? That second question is a lot harder, maybe even impossible, to answer.