Hey /adv/. I have mixed feelings about asking the chins for relationship

So what exactly do you need ? How to convince your boyfriend ?

A lot of friends our age have been moving in together with their SO's that they've been dating for two or three years; I'm not sure if it's right to compare but it's hard not to feel the "they love each other and want to spend the rest of their lives together/are willing to take the big step, why doesn't he?" He and I have been together for a long time and even so communication sometimes feels like its pulling teeth since he's very stoic and it's a cultural thing to not talk about your emotions for him. His reasons for wanting to stay is: His father is very sick (cancer w/ metz to other systems,) and he's a first generation citizen, so his parents (as sweet and as accommodating as they are) would have a hard time living without his financial contribution and there's no denying the outright dependence on him. However, his brother, I believe, is capable of paying the rent without my boyfriend's help -- and my boyfriend can't even communicate to his parents in their own native language properly. My boyfriend tells me it's more than just this and that there's an emotional aspect and security that his parents get from having him around, even if they don't speak. Furthermore, he tells me the commute would be longer since my new place will be farther (but in fact, it's only by a couple of minutes if he takes the more expensive train, but he grimaced at my suggestion so I don't really have anything to say there...)

(Cont. wow I didn't realize I typed so much will probably get 0 replies page 10 - probably gonna be like 4 or 5 more posts.)

>>18672091
Oh uh, I'll finish getting my questions out there, kept getting Connection error when posting. I mean, to be honest if we put it like that I feel like a dickweed just saying that. I don't even know if it's alright to be selfish about something like this.

He's told me that he cannot live with me because he feels tied down by his familial obligation and I completely understand where he's coming from. Even if he said "no" simply, I don't have the right to compromise on what makes him happy. After much reflection, it's clear our values don't line up right now. (Side note: I've always wanted to get married because I felt like it was how people end up living together and mutually spoiling each other with love and affection, but he has convinced me that marriage is just some big ceremony and that people don't need to get married to live together. I genuinely don't know if this is good or bad, since it could be just arguing semantics? I'd appreciate some insight into that too I guess I'm fucking retardy.)

So I'm asking for /adv/ice - I often hear that loving each other isn't enough. If it truly felt like he was 100% making the decision to not follow me into the future (which hurts just to type, that "thank you very much for the 7 years together but I really am not ready to take that step with you - yes even after 7 years.") Am I being unreasonable in wanting him to move out? Should I move out and "wait" for him or just steel my heart and break up with him? I feel like I would be compromising on my self-esteem and self-respect if I let him pick his family over me, but he can "sleep with me" on the weekends, or something like that. I like spending time with my significant other, and often times it feels like I'm neglected. I'm beginning to wonder if the problem is me and that I'm the oddity - do people exist out there too that also enjoy pretty much almost spending every waking moment with their SO or are they just codependent unhealthy people? Where do I fit...?

From your guys' perspective, do you guys think he's just saying he's "not ready YET" or using his family as an excuse or code for simply not wanting to move out with me? Or is his familial obligation really that strong and legitimate? It's hard not to feel like a fucking ass about it because his dad has cancer. Even if he moves in with me I really get the feeling the guilt would eat away at me and he'll resent me and feel that I pressured into doing it.

>>18672093
Also sorry to keep samefagging but thanks for at least reading/showing some interest. Even if it's just a 'fuck you' at the end of it i'll at least get the point

Is there really no "winning" this and saving our relationship? I can provide more details or clarification but I'm pretty desperate for anyone's insight who isn't really tainted with bias. Thanks for reading my blog.

Tl;dr: I want to move out and am ready to move out with my boyfriend of 7 years. Lived together for at least a year and then some. He doesn't seem ready. wat do; also pic unrelated just needed a thread picture and I didn't want it to be the typical sad frog feels guy or some crying dude.

>>18672097
>he has convinced me that marriage is just some big ceremony and that people don't need to get married to live together

It's fine, at least from my perspective, although it is a *little* red flag. It is true that marriage is considered more important than it actually is by most people, but I think that if you suggested it then telling you "no" or "not right now" would be more appropriate from his side.

>>18672097
>He's told me that he cannot live with me because he feels tied down by his familial obligation

Is his family situation so hard that he really can't move out with you or it's more like "he does not want to and uses his family to make an excuse" ?

>>18672102
>Am I being unreasonable in wanting him to move out?

No. Relationships work better when people move out of their parent's basement, so you have every right to want this.

>do people exist out there too that also enjoy pretty much almost spending every waking moment with their SO or are they just codependent unhealthy people? Where do I fit...?

Yes, such people do exist although this is what's called a honeymoon phase and it passes eventually into something less overwhelming. I don't know how to determine where you fit, try to answer this question yourself.

> do you guys think he's just saying he's "not ready YET"

Seems like an excuse for me. 7 years is a lot of time to make one's mind clear.

> is his familial obligation really that strong and legitimate?

Every person who considers his parents more important than their own life and their own future family is a fucking brainlet. No exceptions.

>>18672104
>Is there really no "winning" this and saving our relationship?

Based on what you have described, we know only limited information about you and your partner. Try asking a friend who you trust and which knows both of you well enough.

>>18672138
Thanks for the thoughtful reply anon! I'm not sure if it'd be more annoying than helpful to respond to each of your points so I'll make a blanket statement saying I appreciate your thoughts.

You bring up fair points I have to reflect more on - like the honeymoon phase thing. Whoops! It feels like it never ended for me, that's probably a bad sign?

I thought so too, that it was a little strange to put his family before his future one. To me, there's no other nice way to put it other than sometimes I feel that he's nothing more than a puppet doing his family's bidding. Then I get mad at him for being okay with it, then get upset with myself for being so insensitive. I don't know how to feel about it - that if I get mad if I'm being selfish and putting my own needs first.

I totally understand though, I plan on seeking the advice of friends. ... most of them so far prefaced it with "the decision is yours" but went on to offer their support implying that a break-up was imminent...

Thank you again anon, you took me seriously and spent some time helping me out. Best wishes to you.

To me it seems like he matters to you more than you matter to him.

This "my parents over my girlfriend" thing is just miserable and pathetic and if he uses them as a cheap excuse for having no desire to move out with you then it's even worse.

It is very nice of you that you don't want to be insensitive or force him to move out but it is very reasonable to do so and you should figure out the point on which he stands.

If I was in your shoes then to me it seems like a failing relationship but that being said I do not know him, neither do I know you well enough.