I've been friends with my boyfriend for over a year, and

>>18665824
He is gay or he is hiding a bigass secret.

>>18665828
Why do you think so?

I don't think he's gay, he gets pretty horny for me. So at least bi?

Doesn't matter, you'll fall out of love soon and dump him

>>18665860
I don't want to dump him.

>>18665871
You will in a few months
I'm legitimate sorry for him, he is for sure in a very bad moment and the thing he needs right now is love
You should try to go to his place and just be with him
I had the same "depression" and I desperately needed friends and love from my ex, but with time she realized that she preferred to be free and do fun shit with her friends

>knowingly enter a relationship with a depressed person
>be surprised they are a shit partner
You are stupid, OP

>How can I help him out?
You can't. He won't talk to you, he won't see you, he dropped his therapist. You can't force him to get better, it's something he has to want for himself too, and clearly that is not the case.

Don't dump him if you don't want to, but be aware that you don't have a gf-bf relationship at this point, but a nagging emotional tampon/supporting and understanding mommy-depressed guy relationship.

>>18665888
She should try to help him, not just leave him to his shit alone
I don't understand why people are so cynical

>>18665886
I'm not your ex girlfriend, so just don't assume I will act like her.
I tried to be there for him, but he doesn't want me to. He pushes me away, he doesn't want to see me, he doesn't text me back. I showed up at his house yesterday and he didn't even open the door.
I legitimately don't know what to do at this point.

>>18665888
He isn't being a good partner, but I am not exactly surprised he isn't or mad at him because of that. He's sick.
His depression got much worse and I'm concerned about him, and am wondering if there's something I can do to help him or if I just have to wait.

Have you tried talking to him about your worries openly? Mentally ill people aren't children, they can handle the truth if you're respectful. I'm dating someone with BPD and suicidal tendencies, so I know what I'm talking about. Communication has always helped even if he was in a slump. Try talking to him and convince him to see his therapist again.

>>18665918
I'd like to do it in person but I haven't been able to meet him up in 2 weeks because he completely avoids me. I text him and try to call him, and go wait for him out of his house every other day but he is not seeing me.
A common friend visited him and said he's feeling down, but physically good.

I am considering reaching his parents, but I don't know how.

>>18665931
Does he at least read your messages? You might want to let him know you're about to contact his parents. Perhaps it will make him answer.

>>18665937
He doesn't always read them, no. I do get him to answer sometimes.
When he does, he just apologises and tells me I should leave and find someone better.

I don't know if contacting his parents is the right answer. I've considered either contacting his therapist, too.

>>18665824
are you sure he even likes you anymore? this might be his very immature way to end a relationship he legitimately doesn't want and he just says self-deprecating shit to manipulate with you.
i mean, i've been depressed before, but if he avoids you for weeks but freely communicates with others... i don't know if i'd keep trying if i were you.

>>18665971
Yes, I am pretty sure.
He has been going after me for 10 months and always said self-deprecating shit.

He doesn't talk to anyone else. Our common friend got in because he has the keys.

File: 1461071554933.jpg (33KB, 359x473px) Image search: [Google]

33KB, 359x473px

>>18665886
You're ex dumped you because she didn't give a shit, now you're assuming that OP will do the same. What a said worldview.

>>18665980
well then you're in a tough spot and i feel for you. i guess it's good you view his depression as a sickness, i hope you can somehow inspire him to get better. he's lucky to have you, you sound like you really care.

>>18665983
I'm saying it because I'm not the only one
Anyway it was just provoking, a lot of girls do that, break up whenever the guy has a moment of weakness
I hope for them that she is different, in which case she is a really good person

Sounds like he's stringing you along

Just dump his ass and see what he does. If goes crawling back to you and suddenly trying to see you, you need to not be with him. If he moves on, then you're not compatible

>>18665983
>>18666007
>>18666009
See what I'm talking about

>>18666001
I do care about him, and I know he cares about me just as much.
He failed a class because he had a very bad fever on the day of the final, he got hospitalised right after he finished it. Since then, he basically spiralled into this.
He told me he's disappointing me, that he had to be a good man for me but failed. And now refuses to see me.

I hope that soon he'll get to see his therapist

Thanks, anyway.

>>18666009
I don't want to dump him, really. It'd just feed into his "no one can love me for who I am" craze.

>>18666027
>I know he cares about me just as much.
Anon, I understand that swallowing bitter truth pill is painful but understand this: if he really loved you, he would do utmost to get better. Depressed people are not children, they are aware that their actions or lack of them will bring consequences. He is avoiding getting in touch with you and he knows what kind of message it sends but can't be bothered to change his behaviour anyway.

Be supportive and loving, but really, don't count of getting that love back and don't count on having a normal and functioning relationship with this guy. If his depression is really as bad as it sound he is simply not capable of being a boyfriend atm because his miserable state of mind eclipses everything else. I'm sorry to say this but you are extremely naive if you think people in his state can date and maintain relationships...

Look, I was the depressed guy in a similar situation. I never refused to open the door to my ex, but I definitely avoided and tried hard to self-sabotage.
I don't know your bf and everyone's mind is different, but if my ex showed me that she was going to be there for me no matter what, it would have been a great start for my recovery.
Maybe you could pick the keys with his friend and stay with him a couple of days. This might seem intrusive, but I think deep down it's something that he is expecting from you. He seems to be testing your love, if you go to his house, he says he doesn't want to see you, you leave without waiting at the door for two hours, he's damaged mind thinks that you don't love him.

>>18666084
this. a relationship should make you happier, not weigh you down. he says he's not good enough for you, but is not willing to be better for you, not even give you attention.
he's definitely expecting you to somehow break through to him. but it shouldn't all be about him in a relationship.

File: 1387526995446.jpg (32KB, 590x318px) Image search: [Google]

32KB, 590x318px

>>18666027

No one can help him but himself. He needs to go back to his therapist and get on medication if necessary. I understand you don't want to leave him but throughout this process you need to ask yourself just how much of your life and happiness you are willing to sacrifice to this guy's disease. If he makes a concerted effort to go back to therapy and tackle his depression head on then at least there is hope. If he continues this spiral then, eventually, your attempt to be his lifesaver will only result in you sinking along with him.

There are many options other than leaving him but it would be silly for you to completely rule that out as a possibility, especially if this relationship continues to spiral into a situation where you no longer serve the role as his girlfriend but as his emotional crutch. Ultimately, despite the devastating affect that depression can have on individuals and their relationship it would be a very selfish thing for him to refuse treatment yet expect you to stick around to carry the burden of his dysfunction. Have a conversation with him, figure out what his plan is. If he has no plan to get better and refuses to create one then the only thing you can count on with any certainty is that things will get worse, regardless of whether or not you stay with him.

>>18666084
I know that it sounds like he doesn't care about me at all, but he genuinely does and I am sure that he loves me.
He's sick and he's hurting, but he doesn't mean to make me suffer. He probably thinks he's doing it so I leave him and I can get better.

He was by my side in many moments of need and went out of his way to make me happy. He was there for me and loved me better than anyone ever did.

I also don't care about getting anything back right now, or for us to be in a functioning romantic relationship. I just want him to be healthier.
I care about him as a person more than I care about him as a boyfriend. It is really not about us as a couple, but about him as a person.

>>18666092
I could give it a try. I hope it doesn't offend him or frustrate him.

OP, my gf of 5 years just broke up with me a couple of months ago and she's with a new guy now because I was in your bf's position. She tried to help me for years with my depression but I just deteriorated and stagnated. Constantly getting high to avoid dealing with it. I kept telling her to break up with me and how she can do so much better than me, and how I just wanted to kill myself etc.
Well when she did break up with me it made me reevaluate everything. I needed the wake-up call to break me out of the depressed stupor and actually get some help and address my issues properly.

I regret that my gf broke up with me instead of giving me an ultimatum or whatever to jolt me out of it, but at the end of the day it was all my fault. Try talking to your bf and tell him his depression is warping his perspective badly. Tell him he's fully capable of recovering but he has to actually want it. And that includes taking antidepressants and seeing a therapist.
And this part may only apply to me / may be too harsh for your situation, but I wish my gf had reminded me of what I had to lose and how much worse it could get if I just gave up on myself at this young age. It wasn't her job and she shouldn't have needed to but depression fucks with you heavy. I wish you guys the best.

>>18666112

>I could give it a try. I hope it doesn't offend him or frustrate him.

I like that you prioritize his frustration over your own happiness and dignity. It really says a lot about the whole reason you're with him to begin with.

Also, this >>18666092 is terrible advice. Dedicating yourself to a toxically codependent relationship to satiate your partner's dysfunctional need to constantly be supported is a really dumb idea. Loyalty and dedication in a relationship is great. Loyalty and dedication in a relationship with no limits or boundaries is called codependence.

Yes, its great to communicate to your partner that you'll be there for him but "no matter what" is where you wander deep into the territory of dysfunction. "No matter what" implies that OP's boyfriend is seemingly entitled to put no effort into his own recovery, develop no self-esteem of his own yet simultaneously lay the entire burden of responsibility on his girlfriend to provide him every last bit of validation that he refuses to provide himself because she'll be there "no matter what".

A great start to recovery is therapy and medication, not committing to a codependent relationship in which one party uses guilt and self loathing to hold the other emotionally ransom.

As someone who has struggled with depression for years I sympathize with your bf. That said, it took a real wakeup call in the form of a very promising relationship going to shit (because I wouldn't act right) for me to start doing the inner work. I still get depressed at times but instead of wallowing in it, now I look for ways to deal with it on my own. I'll suffer in silence before I drag another person down with me.

>>18665824
Did your relationship start with the termination of a previous relationship? If so depending on what occurred it could be guilt.

>>18665886
this
>"oh my anon why u so quiet"
>it's no big deal, just a bit of trouble with this and that
>"omg anon I want to helps!"
>nah really I'll handle it
>"oh my anon you never open up! I love you so much I'm here to listen to you anon talk to me why don't you care enough about us!"
>ok fine [explains troubles and fears and insecurities]
>"oh wow anon yea dunno that's tough but I'm here if you need anything! today I also had these problems and those problems and nobody listens and [...]"
>bails after 6 months because apparently I wasn't giving her enough attention while figuring out an entire fucking future for us
yah
nah

OP unless you're at least 25-30 this endeavor is pointless

in the meantime, make him go to therapy, at least they don't bail because they are literally being paid to be there for you and that's as good as it's gonna get for a lot of us
I apologize for my cynicism but out of quite a few girls, none of them ever gave a real legitimate fuck about a man's issues so it's (imo) statistically improbably that you truly do either

so like I said, get him back to therapy, out of the house, out with a few other friends and such

I mean look at the thread, aren't there enough examples already of this same shit?

File: dont date broken people.png (138KB, 540x488px) Image search: [Google]

138KB, 540x488px

>>18665824

He's so lucky to have you. You should defintely keep pushing. Convince him to go back on therapy. Be there for him even when he says he doesn't need help or that he needs some time alone or whatever. I, as a person severely depressed, need constant validation, so keep on telling him that you love him no matter what and that you'll be there. It's a hard time, going through depression, but I can't even imagine what it must be like for you. Please don't give up on him. Maybe he should even try going on meds.
Also, I don't know whether you've seen it, there's this great video on YouTube by Kat Napiórkowska (i think) with some tips on relationships with depressed people.
I really hope that the two of you find peace at one point. Again, don't give up. Don't let him give up as well.

>>18666450
while this is true to a degree, you shouldn't sacrifice your own happiness in life if he isn't willing to get better. you'll end up like this >>18666418

>>18665901
Give him an ultimatum. If he wont even talk to you say you can't do this anymore. I know it hurts but holding onto something like that wont help either of you. You begging for his attention is enabling his antisocial behaviour. Give him space and he'll start to miss you.

>>18665980
Get the keys from that common friend and get in.

Or you could also text him that you'll let him time to cool down, that you're waiting for him and whenever he wants to talk to you, you're here.

Just stick to him, be the friend he won't have when you're gone. It will mean everything in the end.

>>18666666

His mom called me and I went to talk to her. Nice way to know boyfriend's parents.
I'm sorry for disappearing.

>>18666106
He had a very bad relapse, but he really tried to get better. For himself, and for me.
I'm not the kind of person that gives up the first time things get a little messy.

>>18666108
It is still very early, it has been really just a few weeks. It wasn't as bad earlier and he was improving.
I do not want us to turn codependent and I do not want to allow him to fall into depression further. I also don't want to leave him alone, not only because I love him but because I am his friend and I care for him.

Thanks for your post.

>>18666135
Thank you for your post, too.
If I manage to talk to him I'll try to talk to him about getting back in therapy at least. I hope it is enough.

>>18666167
I'm his friend first.
It is really not about my feelings for him, is about him being healthy. Even if he broke up with me tomorrow morning, I'd still do my best to help him out.

I do not want to turn our relationship in some codependent shit and feel strong enough to limit myself and set healthy boundaries. I do not want him to think I'm here for him no matter what, if he doesn't want to get healthy I'll reconsider things, but it is the first time he ever wronged me and I do not want him to leave now. I feel like he deserves a chance to fix himself.

>>18666362
No. He was single for a year and half before, I was single for about a year. We had been friends for 10 months and started dating in June.

>>18666405
I wanted to bother replying, but honestly people like you tire me.
I get that you were wronged, I was wronged before, too - but don't project your past trauma on me.

I love this guy, I want to be here for him. I don't want to be his therapist because it is not my role, but I want him to be healthy and I want to be here for him.

>>18666450
I dealt with depression too, when I was much younger. It wasn't as severe and it was more circumstantial.
I understand how he feels, to a degree. I know he's being really hard on himself right now.
I am trying my best to make him feel like he has someone by his side, I don't know what else to do.

>>18666635
>Give him space and he'll start to miss you.
I'm just scared he'll believe all the "I'm not good enough to be loved" bullshit he tells himself.

>>18666696
I do want that more than anything.
I don't even care if we break up, really. I'm fine with it. I just want him to be happy.

>>18665824
Try and make yourself the only person in his life so that he could never leave you and you can make him do anything you want