Depressed about who I chose to marry I have daily suicidal thoughts

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Depressed about who I chose to marry

I have daily suicidal thoughts over the woman I chose to marry. These are some of the reasons:

She's covered in degenerate, ugly tattoos
Has ear plugs which I find disgusting
She used to be a lesbian
She used to be a hard core drug addict
She has sucked one black dick but said she stopped because it was too disgusting, and says they definitely never had sex
(I cuck myself into thinking about this a lot and it literally makes me want to fucking die)
She used to date a drug dealer
She dated a guy she said was very "alpha" and literally beat the shit out of her and "raped" her
She's a different race
She's not really my type at all, and I wish she had larger breasts
She told me she thought she'd had bigger dicks, then said she realized she was mistaken and mine is the biggest. Which sounds like bullshit but she's a very honest person, too fucking honest and I constantly doubt this.


It's been years and I think about this type of shit daily and it makes me want to just get in my car and drive into a fucking wall or something. Or dive under a bus.

All that said however, she is one of the best women I've ever known or dated. She takes care of me like a woman should, and is submissive and kind. She cooks cleans does my laundry and everything else a good wife should without being asked. So in every regard but the things up top, she's perfect. It's just those imperfections bother the fuck out of me. We're married now and I am happy to be, I just think maybe I fucked up. How do I get past this shit? I'm not going to get a divorce, but I don't want to be depressed and suicidal over this. I've tried medication and it did really help me, but it isn't worth it due to the side effects for me. Someone please fucking help me.