My LTR bf and I have been having some problems lately.
We've had a few petty arguments over the past month. Every argument ends the same
>argue for a bit
>i cool down and try to end on a good note
>he isn't ready
>says he needs to cool down for several days
>ignores me for like 2-5 days depending on severity of his anger
>when he comes back, he says it wasn't a "cool down" period, it was more like a punishment
>says something like, "dont make me mad again or I'll leave for longer"
>can't even bring up and resolve the argument or he gets mad again
I used to just be a huge ball of emotions when he'd ignore me. It was like torture. Now I am just a festering ball of resentment. I realize he can't and won't apologize. Not even a fake one.
After our last argument over something insanely stupid, he ignored me for three days. When he came back, he seemed all proud and happy, like he was waiting for me to say I am miserable. This time, I just went off and did my own shit, kept busy, and honestly, I noticed I was happier without talking to him for a few days.
We hung out yesterday, and it was the dullest day ever. He just went back to his normal self, was kinda an asshole, couldn't even talk about how he just ignored me for three days. I resent him. I want to talk about it, try to fix it, but I am scared of what will happen. I feel like whenever I express something to him, I have to walk on eggshells because of how quickly it turns into an argument.
tl;dr there are issues of resentment in my relationship, how do I bring them up in a productive way?
>>18641378
i feel like you've posted this before. not this exactly but the same problem
>>18641381
I posted a couple days ago, I guess it was more resentful and overdramatic, it got no replies, though.
>>18641385
i feel like it was a few months ago. this has been going on for quite some time, yeh?
Youre having symptoms of abandonment issues. Obviously it's not in the same context of a parent:child but the general consequences are the same. He's not spending enough time with you so the fear of uncertainty after a while manifested into resentment.
The relationship is doomed.
>>18641389
Could've been. May have posted something like a month ago in July when this started and bf ignored me for a straight week. Don't remember any constructive feedback.
I realize now how annoying the post may be annoying. I just don't even know what to do. I have friends but girls are just like "Omg girl just dump him lets go get drunk." I just don't want to get friends involved.
>>18641403
i mean i feel like tyheres only ever two types of advice
>try to work it out
>break up
thats really it. the problem here is you keep trying to work it out but it doesn't get fixed.
draw a line somewhere and do what you gotta yabba dabba do
>>18641401
We do spend quite a lot of time together. It's just the frustration of arguing. Nothing can be said without an argument. I am losing my patience. I fear talking because that does lead to "abandonment" of him just taking off for days.
I already have a feeling it was doomed. But to him, it's all my fault because if I didn't get him angry than he wouldn't have done that.
I already know that is abusive mindfuck logic. I just want him to realize that.
>>18641408
>>try to work it out
Yea, I want to attempt this, I just have no fucking clue what to say.
I vs you statements dont work on him. When I use and I statement he passes blame, tells me I am responsible for my own emotions.
I don't know how to fucken talk to him anymore.
I feel like this relationship is doomed. He's actively working against fixing your issues. I'd say dump him, but if you don't want to do it just yet, maybe give him a taste of his medicine and ignore him for a week or so? He may realize how stupid he's been. Or he may ignore you for an even longer period of time, who knows.
>>18641418
sometimes things dont work because nothing works. there isn't always some hidden method that will fix things. sometimes its just whats there.
Tell him you want to change the way you communicate, because the way things are currently going is exhausting and doesn't actually solve what you were arguing about. It's just a neverending loop of hurting and abandonment.
You can tell him how hurt you feel when he abandons you, especially as a form of "punishment". That's not very loving behavior. I'd say you could also tell him that you can't handle the current way of arguing. It's too much stress and negativity to handle. People will have differences and he can't just train them away by punishing the partner he chose to be with
>>18641421
Idk he'd probably act like it doesn't hurt but be even more of an ass if I talk to him again.
I'm gonna attempt to offer an olive branch today I guess. If he doesn't want to even talk about it, I am just done. my mind is so tired.
>>18641441
Thank you. I think the word communication itself will hopefully set the talk in the right direction.
I want to bring up the seriousness of this. Kinda want to say that I have a foot out the door already. That might piss him off though. But the reality is, that's where I'm at right now
>>18641455
I don't know if it would help to say you're already considering breaking up. That might just make him shut down to protect himself from what he fears will be an inevitable breakup. You want to get closer from this, not further away, and telling him you've got one foot out the door might be interpreted as "I have no hope for our relationship so I'm emotionally preparing to abandon you"
>>18641468
Also, try to get his feelings on how you fight. He's probably hurt, just in different ways than you. Not excusing his shitty behavior, but it can help to view shitty behavior as like petting a dog that snaps at you, but then you realized you'd accidentally aggravated a wound there. It'd be nice if both partners automatically had that viewpoint, but eh you gotta start somewhere.
But anyways, get his feelings on how you fight. Maybe he doesn't like it either. Maybe he also feels exhausted and upset and wants to change but just doesn't really know how to
>>18641468
That's true. I will refrain from that. I just thought it would help convey how serious I am. I fear talking about this and him just not taking me seriously.
I wouldn't put it pass him as he shifts blame and passes off my emotions when we talk about something uncomfortable.
Frustrating thing is, we've had conversations of communication. He'd tell me I have to communicate better. and when I do he gets angry or minimizes me. When I bring that up, then he says "because its not even something to talk about" I mean, there is just no winning here its just an endless cycle of he's always innocent and I am always to blame. Makes me just not want to communicate...
>>18641483
I get that it feels frustrating and seems hopeless. Experience has certainly taught you that this might not go well. But if you want to try and improve the relationship, you have to try and improve communication.
I know "I vs you" statements don't seem to work on him, but I'd say to stick to your emotion guns. Talk to him about what it feels like when he doesn't talk to you to try and punish you. You can say something right off the bat like "I really need you to listen to me for a few minutes. I feel like I'm not being heard and I want you to understand how I'm feeling." If he tries to pass off your feelings, tell him you need him to understand. If he says it's "not even something to talk about", tell him it's important to you and would mean a lot to you to work through it
>>18641378
>I just went off and did my own shit, kept busy, and honestly, I noticed I was happier
problem solved