I cant believe i'm at such shit situatio n to recur to the

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I cant believe i'm at such shit situatio n to recur to the likes of you.

First of all, i'm a fucking mess, i'm not a normalfag like any of you, and i don't really think of the world and morality like any of you do. I've been sheltered my whole life and so i lack all experience with people and i'm very immature, i know these things well. Also, i live in El Salvador, a literal hellhole and there is a very real risk of getting murdered for walking the square my house is in, in fact one time gangs almost execute me for sleeping in the bus, but that's for another time.

I study medicine, 6th year. I've been in love with the classmate next to me for 4 years, never did anything because i was a delusional autist who thought god gave shit away for doing nothing and behaving well, she got a boyfriend from the same year 2 years ago, and i can't get over it. I feel the deepest envy for them, i have to see them every fucking day, i hate myself for having been so delusional and autistic, i wish i could suddenly turn normal but that goes against my worldview.

Cont.