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Hey /Adv/, what do you do after you've accepted the prospect of an untimely death, and then ya don't die? I didn't think I'd make it this far. I'm 20 now.
My brother would beat theshit out of me a lot. he'd make threats to kill me but one thing he'd do almost every altercation is choke me out. I can remember more than a dozen times when I thought, "while my parents are at work or running errands I am at home about to die." I've been choked for so long a few times my entire body got sore and went stiff. I would be half conscious after the fact and couldn't bring myself to stand or even crawl to my room, id just have to lay there for a bit till i could stumble away. and We had a few fights here and there but not as many compared to the times he'd just wail on me. And there isn't much a difference, I never really won a fight against him. My parents tried a lot but the would also give up trying to work it out too after a while.
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The beatings, condescension, and threats ended when I turned 19 and we all moved out of the house I grew up in and separated a bit. I live with my dad and his girlfriend now. Not for long it seems. My brother is now living with his girlfriend and 1 year old son. This is irrelevant, what matters to me is what i should do now. I lost the drive for getting myself new things because is too easy for someone to Waltz in and just break all my stuff or steal it. I'm unemployed right now and im having a hard time keeping a job because people. I'm not good at interacting with others, i quickly run out of things to say.
I don't earn enough to get by right now, and sometimes the money isn't a worth while reward for me. I only use it for necessities and there isn't anything extra I want to spend it on except for pot and cigarettes. And i was very into video games. Spent hundreds of hours playing metroid prime in my unlit room hiding from all the crap outside of it. Its the best memory I have from growing up. I see that my peers have aspirations and goals, i feel I didn't have enough time to develop them I just wanted a quick end to things and still do at times. I don't really no what else to say i feel like im just rambling. Please if you have anything that might be helpful respond. Even if its "git gud pu$$y" I just want to know im not a complete 6th prestige autist for airing out my dirty laundry here.
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Dedicate your life to paying back for what he did, obviously.
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I think that you should probably see a mental health professional and or therapist. It sounds like you were beaten and abused from an early age by your brother. Because of the beatings you didn't really get to develop like a normal person would. The video gaming you used as an escape from a world that seems too difficult to deal with, which is understandable. One thing that might help once you become more motivated is getting into working out and or martial arts like BJJ. That way if anyone ever tries to hurt you again you can break their shit.
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>>18623165
Get therapy. You clearly suffer from PTSD and your biggest problem is not the bad treatment of the past but your present mental/emotional confusion about it.
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Stay strong, anon. I didn't think i would make it past high school with all my troubles, im in my 20s now.
I know this sounds cliche but, Things Will get better in time. Hope is one of our best tools in dark times.
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