Gf broke up with my today. Was a long relationship. It wasn't

>>18609561
30 day no contact rule exists for a reason OP.

I've just been sitting in her fb/ig bio all day and I figure as long as she keeps my name in there and relationship status as "in a relationship with you" there's a chance but idk and I'm kinda scared I'm doing everything wrong.

>>18609565
See she told me before she left my house this morning that she still "loves me to death" but she wants some "time to herself" and such. And she seemed really disappointed when I couldn't formulate anything of substance to say. So idk

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Why did she break up with you?

Listen, it's our first instinct to think that "if I spam her with calls, she'll want me back!" but the truth is, the only way for her to want you back, is to show indifference, and move on.

If you're desperate, and needy, she'll feel like she'll always have you on a string. If you're indifferent and move on, she'll start worrying about why you moved on so fast, and you'll be on her mind more constantly.

But look, the relationship is over. Don't contact her at all tonight. This 'contact me if you need anything' shit is just to save face. Don't contact her to cry about her leaving you, thats what /adv/ and your friends/family are for.

If she doesn't care about the relationship you just have to accept and move on if she wants to say something she will just wait and if she says nothing within a month just get over it

>>18609573
She want's time to herself so give it to her. Don't fuck up like me.

My boyfriend wanted time to himself and I was insecure needy and afraid of abandonment and kept contacting him which pushed him away for good. Don't do what I did. Let her contact you first.

>>18609578
>>18609576
Thanks guys. Been really hard today

>>18609579
I will, thanks freind

>>18609581
I'm going through the same thing you are. She dumped me a week ago because she wanted to find herself too. I know how it feels.

It's not rocket science from this point on.

You've got to move on. Accept the fact that the relationship is basically over, and be a better person.

It'll hurt. I know it will. There will be days where you won't want to get out of bed. Days where all you want to do is eat ice cream and cry. That's fine. Don't suppress those feelings. Give yourself a buffer of a few weeks, depending on how long your relationship lasted, to deal with this yourself.

However, don't forget, that at the end of the day, you need to focus on getting over her.

If you can reduce the first step to as very few days as possible, that would be great.

Do you have closure? Do you feel like you have closure? Unfortunately, we may not get the closure we want. If you can't get closure from her, you need to come up with your own closure.

https://www.quora.com/How-can-you-create-your-own-closure-after-the-end-of-a-significant-relationship

1/2

>>18609608
2/2


You want to go full Stalin and purge every memory you have of her. Photos, texts, etc. Block her facebook and instagram. The only way you can move forward is by looking forward. If you stalk her FB/IG you will feel even worse than before.

Confide in your friends and family. Find hobbies that make YOU happy. Biking, gymming, hiking, whatever it is.

Realize that she's not the only one out there for you. There are better girls. Girls who won't give you this "i need to find myself" shit.

Pick out the flaws from the relationship. You will be VERY TEMPTED to remember the sweet times, picnics, beaches, trips, sex, whatever. You need to suppress, or reduce that, and remember all the BAD things.

Her bad flaws. Trust me, she has flaws.

What are some things in your past relationship that you don't want in the future?

Was she messy? Was she flirty with other dudes? Was she very abusive verbally?

Form yourself into a better person.

"Some people come into our lives as blessings, and some, as lessons" -Mother Theresa

>>18609608
Not OP but that's what's preventing me from moving on is the no closure so this helped. Thank you.

>>18609641
I'm glad it helped.

Unfortunately, we often don't get the privilege of closure.

I got full closure. Although her reasoning was to find herself, she kept an open line with me to answer all my questions, and I was very satisfied with the responses.

A lot of people these days don't even get the privilege of being told 'they want to find themselves.' Many people in relationships lasting over a year will get ghosted. It sucks.

>>18609561
I'd need to know her character better whether or not it'd be worth it, but ultimately if you EVER want a functional traditional relationship*the only one that lasts) you muster up all the testosterone and rage you can from the meek heart of yours, call her(better to confront her) and say
>FINE. YOU WANT TIME OFF? I CAN'T PHYSICALLY STOP YOU, SO GO AHEAD. BUT IF YOU THINK FOR 1* SECOND THAT I'LL BE HERE AFTER THE FACT, YOUR DEAD WRONG. YOUR GONE. OVER. DON'T CALL. DON'T TEXT. NOTHING. FOREVER.

And you HAVE to mean it. This could be just a typical female shit test, in which case the above is the only way to pass, but considering I don't know her character, nor the circumstance or dynamic of your relationship, I can't say whether it'd be worth passing.

If you actually love her, its the only chance you got.

>>18609653
OP here. Relationship was 3+ years highschool to college. My issues is I'm not ready to move on. I'm still very much in love. Every bone in my body wants to text her, I still feel protective ect. I'm scared that if she thinks I move on, she'll make herself move on. This is also the first time I've felt genuine love for someone like this.

>>18609653
Yeah, my boyfriend gave half ass reasonings and proceeded to ghost so it hurt. I need to find the closure myself and not think he'll ever come back and explain himself to me.

>>18609579
>my boyfirend

I'll assume you're a chick, in which case
>insecure needy and afraid of abandonment
No. Your boyfriend broke up because he's not into commitment, and you were dumb and picked said guy. Its perfectly natural for a girl to want commitment.... And now that he's done with you, the lesson you take away is to have less long term relationship ambitions?

That's how sluts are made. Don't be a slut. Pick better men.

>>18609660
In the 3+ years of us dating she's never pulled shit like that before tho. It's just been straight celebrating each other's existence. She's a bit hyper but also calm and rational and she didn't seem like it was just a shit test which is what has me concerned. But she is the type to just shy away completely and not respond well to being yelled at. I hate to sound angry and melodramatic but ya know it's kinda unavoidable rn.

>>18609676
I've sworn off men, but thank you anyway.

>>18609660
It was also a super solid relationship to my knowledge before hand. Like movie shit

>>18609678
>I hate to sound angry and melodramatic
Dude, this is going to sound weird, but girls like guys who can put their foot down.

If you've been dating faithfully for 3 years then I'd definitely do what I said. She wants a M-A-N, not a happy go lucky boy she can just spend time with. I'd be surprised if she hasn't been thinking about marriage and assessed
>Is this a man who'll fight for me? Who'd tell me off if I tried to feed our strong children poisonous berries? Who's not just willing to rock the boat, but captain it?

I'm telling you that you need to flip the switch now, or lose her for ever... Or worse, have her crawl back broken with another man's kid, looking for the provider who couldn't get angry.

>>18609687
I mean to my knowledge as in everything seemed fine. Ya know we had our occasional sqaubbles over random things but they never got out of hand it was always great after. Sex life was great too. It just seemed great and since I see myself as not great I was happy to be in such a great thing.

>>18609561
Is she depressed or has something personal going on?

I know I push people away when I'm going through something. Just wait for her to contact you

>>18609693
She also said she wants to "try again in a month" if she "feels any better" and I just don't want to be forgotten about. She'll run to someone else if I get really pissed off at her. I know shell do that given the states she's in. She's not doing too hot either.

>>18609699
Yeah she's always had depression like myself. She's been having some issues with college as well with going and all. And I can see why she would push me away. But she's always come to me before and I've been seemingly stable enough to talk to.

>>18609695
Also, after you do what I said, expect her to get angry/cry or go straight to crying within a 24 hour to week period period. She'll instinctively try and make you feel guilty, but the key is stoicism. She'll come back all teary eyed and such and you'll all be happy till she shit tests you again, in which case repeat as layed out.

You need to be the kind of guy that can draw a line in the sand.

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>>18609660
If It's a shit test, the way of action is not to come off as a fucking lunatic. If it's a shit test, it means she wants the attention, or the desperation. If you're willing to stoop low enough as to get angry, shes won.

"If you want a functional relationship, you need to be very aggressive"

I mean in my not so professional opinion, the best way to win a shit test, or make someone want you back, is to be completely indifferent, and show that you've moved on. That will spark up the emotions and get her to call you back.

You can try this OP, I mean, you have nothing to lose, but I wouldn't.

>>18609671

No one is expecting you to drop every emotion you've ever had for her and move on like some stoic sociopath.

It's normal to have these feelings. Hell, I'd call you a fucking lunatic if you DIDN'T feel this way after 3 years. I'm not telling you to drop everything and move on. You should give yourself a few weeks buffer to feel like shit and mope around, but after that, you need to focus on improving and being yourself.

Moving on isn't easy. It's not, but it's an investment that needs to be made in order to get a better reward.

Think of this analogy:

Imagine you have an alcoholic. He, or she, has two options.

They can either
A) Keep drinking, and feel like shit for the rest of their lives,

or

B) Stop drinking, go through withdrawal, in which they feel 50x worse for a period of a few weeks, and then feel better after.

You're in the A position. You don't want to move on. And for now, you don't have to. But you can't keep yourself in the A position for the rest of your life. At some point, and that point should come soon, you should come to terms, go through that period of intense sadness of moving on, and feel better after.

That's all a breakup is. It's your body going through withdrawal.

1/2

>>18609710
Ah yeah. Been there. Do your best not to suffocate her but let her know that you're there if she needs you. It seems like she'll come around eventually.

Don't listen to everyone here trying to convince you its over. It's not always the case.

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>>18609671
2/2

As for your moving on concern, you couldn't be more than wrong.

Put yourself in her shoes.

If your ex was contacting you every day to tell you she loves you, vs. if she posted pics of her with a new guy, doing new sports, going new places, and just being indifferent, what would make YOU think of her more?

If the latter, would you not be worried that she moved on? That she never cared? If you really want her to jump back at you, you need to show her that you moved on, and that it's no big deal.

Thats how you keep yourself in her mind. .

You guys dated for 3 years. Be realistic. She's not going to forget you after a day of no contact. If she thinks you moved on, she'll find it even harder to move on. If she feels like she can still pull you around on a string, she'll move on even faster because she knows she never can ""lose you.""

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>>18609724
I get the whole "be supportive of your partner" shit but, is pulling OP in and out like a wave the healthiest thing for him?

I mean, the mentally ill deserve love too, I'm not disagreeing, but OP needs to think about himself here.

Do you see a future with this girl? Do you see yourself raising kids, marrying, buying a home, etc. with a person who pushes you in and out all the time?

You're not this girl's psychiatrist. You shouldn't try to change or "fix" her. Chances are, if she wants some time to see herself, she might cheat on your anyway. Make sure to ask if she's seen other guys.

>>18609704
>try again in a month
This is a 100% a shit test. If you don't put your foot down, it won't matter if she comes back as she can come and go as she pleases from now on. And she will. If you don't define the expectations and standards of the relationship, anytime things get difficult she'll flee.

You don't even need to get angry. Just DRAW THE LINE. It's a LOSE/LOSE if you don't. She's screaming out for you to fight her irrational feminine emotions, with strict masculine standards, and if she doesn't get it, you BOTH LOSE.

That's your role. Your so infatuated and scared of "losing her" that you can't do YOUR job as the man in the relationship.

Please for the love of God, don't turn a 3 year relationship into more modern toxic slag.

>>18609736
Normally I would agree with you, but OP says this is the first time something like this has happened which is why I'm being openminded about it.

If it was a continuous cycle of fighting and leaving each other and general toxicity, I would suggest leaving.

>>18609736
Ik I only said that to say that her mental illness has never interfered with us as a couple. And I know it might not sound realistic to you guys but the one thing I know she'd never do is cheat.

Crying is great therapy and it's natural to cry after breaking up with some one it's like coping with yourself

>>18609749
Yep. My day so far has been crying and chain-smoking. The first time in like a year I've even touched a cig.

Also she's low on friends as well. She has a few but not a whole lot. Two of her closest friends are two of mine she met through me. My bud was talking about how they could just stop talking to her for like a month to create demand. But I'm not sure if that's the right course of action.

>>18609719
You ever hear of the dark tirade m8? There's a reason women continue to stay in abusive relationships, or find themselves inanely attracted to scum. They're not afraid to do exactly what I outlined.

I'm not telling OP to yell or act like a lunatic. I'm telling him if he doesn't draw a line, he'll lose her just like every modern nice guy eventually does.

"Good guys" will continue to fail, and scum bags win the relationship war as long as nice guys equate a little confrontation and standards with being a monster.

Cigarettes will just lead you to more issues I'm not trying to be your mom or anything but you don't want to do that eat ice cream or something idk?

>>18609576
>>18609608
>>18609613
>>18609653
>>18609719
>>18609725
>>18609736

alright well, im off to sleep

best of luck OP

>>18609767
Don't worry I've been doing that now but during the time it happened cigs where just flowing.

>>18609770
Thanks for your help I'm gonna try to be optimistic

>>18609760
I'd do anything to have my boyfriend be nice again. Unfortunately I think he fell for all the bullshit posted here about women only wanting asshole chads. He's about to lose me.

Stop thinking all women have the same mentality when it comes to nice guys/assholes.

>>18609783
I'm not saying for a guy to be a asshole 24/7. I'm telling OP your gf asking for a month break is a unacceptable request in a relationship, and that if he doesn't pull the asshole card for such events, they will fail.

Also you may WISH* your boyfirend was NICE* again, but your still with him, and supposedly still care about him. Having complaints about your BF < Not caring/loving your BF enough anymore to stay with him anymore.

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>>18609783
So why are you still with him?

I'm glad man things will get better when you feel like you've gotten everything off your chest have to be at the bottom to get to the top

>>18609798
Because I confronted him on his shit and he said he is going to try to change.

If after a certain point I think it's a fake change, then I'm leaving.

>>18609814
>Said every abused wife/disfranchised employee ever

Care to lay out some examples of his assholeish behaviour? I'm trying to inject a spine into OP to keep a 3 year relationship alive....

Or do you think a month off is a perfectly fine thing for a girl to request to their guy?

>>18609579
DJ?

Update: the friends she has ADORE me and are probably going to give her shit for leaving, good or bad?

>>18609927
OP please get your mind right first before you contact her. You're sounding crazy.

Once trust is gone, it's over. Breaking up and getting back together doesn't fix dick.

>>18609947
I'm not going to im just observing what's going on on social media

>>18609954
My sister and her fiance broke up for several months years back and are now getting married in a few months. They've been together for ten years.

So yes, sometimes breaking up and getting back together does work. It's not a one size fits all problem.

I had this happen a couple months back and I've been where you are. Don't contact her, as much as you might want to. It won't help. Spend time with friends who are willing to let you cry on their shoulder for a bit if need be. Don't worry about trying to find someone else or date around yet, you'll get there eventually. There'll be other, better girls. Speaking from experience, generally you were able to get and maintain a relationship for a reason, so other girls will come in time, but right now you gotta focus on yourself and do what you need to feel better. You'll get through this. I know you will OP. And remember, don't hurt yourself because you've lost her. I don't know if you did or feel that urge but I know I did and I wish I had someone to tell me. You don't need her. Good luck, OP.

>>18609660
Why the fuck would anyone do this.

Act like an adult and give her some time and space. Talk if she initiates it.

>>18609686
Don't do that you'll meet someone. Not like the asshole you're replying. Someone worth your investment.

>>18609958
I would just cut all contact, including social media, dude. If she knows you, but can't appreciate what you're offering, then fuck her.

>>18609704
Given that you said earlier you don't think that much of yourself she's probably trying to see what else is out there and if she could do better.

Lesson: be better. Spend this month adopting new self improvements things, looking for higher salary jobs etc. Anything you can talk to her about to show you're going somewhere.

>>18609741
I actually agree with this Anon but really disagree with the anger approach.

Just send a long, calm and rational text saying something supportive that she can contact you if it's an emergency or if she needs closure on anything BUT make it clear that you consider this relationship over and you are not going to contact her anymore. If she replies with some trivial shit trying to keep you on a hook politely ask her not to contact you unless it's serious.

She's not there for you, so she doesn't get to use you as a shrink.

Then delete her pics and remove any reminders of her at your flat including gifts etc she bought for you. You will get catharsis and move or she will run back to you.

Either way the pressure is off you and you don't have to think about your next move. Just start the grieving process. Try to think about anything else.

Like the other poster said it's not a sustainable relationship if she can pull out whenever she wants anyway. You NEED to make sure she understands that if she doesn't contact you it's over and that this can not happen again if she comes back.

Change you FB status to single.

Go on a hunting trip with your bros.

>>18609767
Ice cream binging is way worse for your health than smokes.

>>18609783
People misinterpret being assertive with being selfish.

Men can be nice with nice and sweet without being pussies.

>>18609927
Man she left you so protect yourself, but she's still a human being.

Tell your friends that you don't want them to mention her or hang out with her when you want to hang out with them, but they are free to contact her otherwise and be supportive.

Your friends will tell her you are moving on so it's actually a good thing if they talk.

>>18609573
>she still "loves me to death" but she wants some "time to herself"
Then let her go. And don't take her back.
That's not how relationships go, if you want it to be serious you do NOT go take some 'time for yourself', if she doesn't want it to be serious... then there's no need for you to pine and wait on her.

>>18609660
You're a child. That would never work with anyone. OP's best option is to simply let go. Don't contact her and just consider it over. If she comes back, then deal with that but otherwise you have to move if you want a shot of her returning.