I am 24, Italian is my native language. I think a lot, always

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I am 24, Italian is my native language.
I think a lot, always without using words.
I can appreciate studying anything and I have resources to do it, but I never did it for myself.
I have never had a purpose in life, except my love, but all the people I cared about gone mad, killed themselves
or died around me.
My resources come from my dead father.
No one ever understood anything of what I was saying emotionally or how I was behaving emotionally.
I do not care to overcome the unhappiness, because I strongly believe that my pain proves my emotions towards my love and she never thought I cared about her.
I would rather die for my stomach melting than give up the importance and thoughts I give to her.

How do I study medicine, I am only driven by commitment and passion towards that single person. I need to put myself in a place where I am socially forced to do it.

I have no self love.