wtf do i do if my husband turned into an inmature drama queen

oh and before you point it out, i am very well aware that i am deeply flawed too and need to work on a lot of stuff myself. i don't blame our issues on him alone, but atleast i go to therapy and try my best to find ways to work on myself. it just doesn't help very much if he doesn't do the same or we work on the relationship issues together, too.

gib examples
be specific

>>18586202
if i give examples, this thread will end in a shitstorm and nobody will stay on topic.

but you're right, it won't help to not be specific. but i don't have the nerves to discuss all the irrelevant stuff that will undoubtly arise.

the situation is as follows:
>i have a kid that's not his
>the kid's biological father lives on the other side of the world and has never met his kid, there's very little and distant contact
>two days ago i get a message from the father, saying that he's visiting our country and if he could possibly meet his son (which we agreed to before, and my husband was ok with it, then).
>since i told my husband, he went completely insane. he lost all appetite, he doesn't sleep, he stopped reciprocating if i tell him i love him, he doesn't reply to my texts, etc
>today was the meeting and he kept sending me nonsensical texts, demanding to know exactly who was with me and what we were doing (despite me having told him all the details over and over again)
>he then told me he can't deal with this and that he won't be home when we return
>i return and he's not home and has left his wedding ring on the table, still doesn't respond to my message

i understand that this is a shitty situation, but he act like i went to that meeting with the intention to cheat on him. i have zero such intentions, i only went because i feel it's fair to let my son meet his biological father. he acts like he can't trust me and that hurts. he act like this meeting is the end of the world, when it literally doesn't change a thing.
i get that it is distressing for him, but i can't help feeling like he is overreacting and trying to make me feel bad for something i don't think i should feel bad. yeah, sure, i get it, you'll tell me that i SHOULD feel bad for this situation, and i did exactly that for way too long. there's simply no use in feeling bad about it. it's what it is and we all have to deal with it and make the best of it. i can't change it anymore.

>>18586262
Should have included your husband in the meeting if you wanted to show that he is the father now, not the biological dad who skipped town before the baby was even born.

His insecurity is completely founded.

>>18586270
i asked him to join us and he said it was the very last thing he would want, i even brought my sister and her kids with me to "ease his mind" that i won't be alone with him. i don't know what else i could have done to not make him freak out like that.

Has never met the kid, so he is not supposed to see him either. If you broke up, leave it there.

Does he want his own kids? You would not imagine how shitty it is for a man to rise someone else kid. You could actually rather just tell the kid that you husband is the real father or what ever. If you let his biological come into your family it ruins everything.

I have to know, becsuse having a stepfather whom my mom never gave a chance to get his own kid, who hasnt connected with me until now. And me having a better relatinship with my real dad although i have not seen him for 8 y seems to be a pain in the ass for him. But i cant help it and i cant stand it. So he gets a small dog and calls him son and stuff. Its weird but it seems to be not very pleasing for him.

You are kind of ruining your husband - son relationship and you seem not even getting it. He is providing you for his family probably and the child he feeds, is going to look up to an other dad.

You are making him into a cuck. He is now the equivalent of a /b/ guy telling storys "my wifes son" and you are encouraging it. Tell his biological useless father to fuck off and try to erase all memory from the kid.

>>18586277
Why did you give the father the time of day? It has been over 3 years. Him popping randomly in and out of your son's life whenever he wants is mentally straining on your son.

I hoped that you made it clear that since from the onset he only wants interaction with his child on a whim, then that means this is the first and last time while your child is under the age of 18 they will interact. If your son when he is an adult or teen expresses interest in his biological parent, let him contact him. But don't crumble instantly when the father is all
>lol it has been another 3 years since I saw or cared to think about him last
>I want to have my cake and eat it to.

If you want to perpetuate this, be prepared to answer your child's questions about why daddy doesn't love him.

Is he Italian? Because Italian men tend to be huge babies and do womanly shit like give you the silent treatment and stuff like that.

>>18586298
i'm not going to start lying to my son. he always knew all there is to know about his biological father.
my husband is his dad, in every way. that doesn't change the fact that it is inportant for a human being to know his biological parents. i'm not going to take that from my kid.
i an very well aware that his distress is also partially over the threath if this meeing to the relationship between my son and my husband, i'm not THAT stupid. but the father will go back to the other side of the world again and my husband will continue to be his dad every day. there's no doubt here on who has the upper hand. and my son is also voicing this very strongly. he himself says that my husband is his "real dad".
i can imagine how shitty i is. and i am extremely thankful for the all his will to be open to raising someone else's kid as his own. i'm also not going to deny him having his own biological kids. infact, we have a baby on the way.

i don't see why my son should look up to a stranger he met once in comparison to the dad he has at home and loves very much.

>>18586270
No, it's not. His insecurity is his own and he needs to grow up from it. If he loves his wife and child he should trust her, and also not interfere with children meeting their bio parents. Stepparents can really fuck up their own relationships with everyone because they put their own needs above their children and it's so easy to see.

To the OP, let him do what he wants but don't let him walk all over you. Your child is a human being, not a possession, and your husband should be secure enough in himself to understand that.

>>18586298
No child should suffer because a Stepparent can't handle their own emotions. You are so worried about how he feels, what about how you feel? Don't make excuses for immaturity, he could have had a relationship with you on his own terms. He chose not to and that has nothing to do with you or your bio Dad.

>>18586300
because i am not going to purposefully keep my son away from his biological dad. he has a right to know him.
ofc i won't let him do with my son's geelings whatever he wants, but i asked my son if he wants to meet him and he said yes. it's also not like his biological dad doesn't care for him or love him, he's just over there and we are here and i think it's better to keep some distance instead of forcing a relationship if it doesn't form naturally. but if the father askes to see his kid and the kid wants to meet him, i am not going to say no to that.

>>18586305
no he's not.

>>18586327
the problem is that it doesn't help anyone to know how one "should habdle a situation" if they can't due to whatever reasons. i would need specific avice on how to help my husband deal with it. because he doesn't seem to be able to deal with it on his own and nothing i tried so far seemed to easy his anxiety in any way. that's why i turned to adv in the hope of getting some usefull input.

>>18586334
>if a relationship doesn't form naturally
>it's because he's over there and we're here
You worded this as if you're open to a relationship with the father if he didn't live in another country. I know you might not mean that, but that syntax definitely implies it to someone neutral to the situation.

Think about what you say when trying to make a point or convince someone.

No wonder your husband feels this way if you argued your points like this to him.

>>18586190
he shouldn't have married you. You already had a kid and that makes you not serious relationship material. Getting involved with people who already have kids is stupid.

You should just let your husband go and try to patch things up with your kids father.

>>18586322
>I dont see why my son should look up to a stranger...

Exactly. A stranger.

Probably you should've have asked your husband before how he thinks about it. The point is that in the end it was not only his biological fsther but your ex-boyfriend or whatever aswell. And i hope we wont lie to ourselfes that people come often enough together with their exes and since you have even an biological bonding it might be even more dangerous for him.

You shouldnt really see your ex aswell.
Like
>>18586360
Said. Someone fucked up somewhere and as far as it is right know where it is, you are not supposed to endanger your familiy with some silly old strangers you have fucked with.

>>18586262
>it's what it is and we all have to deal with it and make the best of it
right. 2 issues with what you've said here and this last bit does a pretty good job of encapsulating both items:
you do not all have to deal with it. you have to deal with it. your son has to deal with it. your husband CHOSE to deal with it. he could've easily opted out, he knew the stakes going in, but he stayed anyway. and now he's getting shat on for it. have you no shame??
second, and i'm trying very hard to reserve judgment here but, i fail to see how getting buttmad about your husband's reaction and seeking help because "he's suddenly begun acting childish now that we're married" can in any way be considered making the best of it

>>18586356
my arguments might be rather shitty atm, yes, i'm really overwhelmed by the situation. i just want this to be the fuck over.
anyways, i would never want a relationship with the biological father. all i meant was the relationship between him and his son.
also, english is obviously not my first language and i'm having a rather hard time making sense in a different language right now due to being rather upset. sorry bout that.

i made it very clear to my husband from the beginning that i have zero feelings for the father of my son and that is the truth. if he doesn't trust me, then why did he marry me? i feel like there's nothing i can do to make him really trust me and that is extremely frustrating. i have nothing to hide and i try to make him see that and yet he acts like i do.

that's it, i'm out. i was looking for advice and all i get is people trying to tell me how i fucked up by marrying despite having a kid. I AM AWARE THAT THIS SHIT IS NOT OPTIMAL. that doesn't solve my problem in any way.
thanks to the ones trying to help but i really don't have the nerves to argue over this right now.

>>18586376
Because you claim your husband is the father and you don't want your kid looking up to a stranger as you said.

Why confuse your child? This is confusing for the poor toddler. Of course if you ask a little boy "do you want to meet your real daddy?" he'll say yes. This other dude abandoned you and showed interest only when convenient to him.

No. That gives him even less right to a part in your son's life while your son is a small child. It mentally and emotional screws with your son.

You screwed up, and the way to salvage this honestly is to grovel. Say you are 100% in the wrong, will never do it again and only let your son see the father when he is older (aka able to understand) if he wants to find the man on his own.
>>18586382
Okay...enjoy being a single mother again.

>>18586382
At least you know now that your husband is not the only one seeing your fault on this.

You cant just go on the internet and get a advice that you WANT go hear. You get a analyzation of your missunderstood situation and you should have probably talked with your husband before and secondly apologize to him and start a conversation..

Why do people think that a human trait like trust fades away with marriage... Like people think now, yeah shes got the ring so she probably wont ever think about fucking the next best guy who might be better than me. Be happy that he cares... For now

>>18586270
The husband should've said he wanted to be included.

Bringing him without him asking would have been weird.

I don't know why both sexes expect the other to be able to read their minds. Like damn. I'm guilty of this too but holy shet.

Op I don't think you're in the wrong here, but some better communication would be best. If he felt threatened he could have told you he was not comfortable and ask if he could go. I've taken my kid to visit his father alone and my bf hasn't flipped. Granted he hasn't been around for years and years but he's been around enough to help provide for my (our) son. Just in providing alone he's done more so far than my kid's bio dad. But bio dad will have a shit fit if my bf comes around. Just typical testosterone shit.

>>18586382
you didn't fuck up by marrying him, you fucked up by not giving a single shit about him. you fucked up by prioritizing another man over him. you fucked up by being selfish enough to jeopardize his role as a husband and his role as a father and then get angry at him for not reacting with indifference. do you care about your husband at all? because it really really seems like you do not

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>>18586190
>i didn't go to any of the couples therapy things in my area because they seemed unprofessional
>I am 100% willing to take advice from 4chan

what the fuck is wrong with you

>>18586399
the husband stated that he did not want to be included. i'm telling myself the rest of your post is bait.

>>18586416
oh it gets better keep reading

>>18586398
If you go into a relationship and cannot trust, you deserve what you get. I have experienced the demented ends Stepparents can go to in order to feel like the victim in these situations. If he cannot prioritize his child's needs, he shouldn't be married to a woman who has children other than with him. That's what he signed up for it, whether he likes it or not.

>>18586346
You can't make him deal with it. You can try to get him help, but this problem is one he knew might come up. He should have made his feelings clear when he agreed he would allow this. Husband's are not children or projects, they are partners. You cannot fix him and if he wants jealousy and mistrust to rule him, it is not your job to. That's not saying there is no hope, but don't let people make themselves into victims to avoid personal responsibility. It's shitty for relationships and it's a terrible thing to teach a child.

>>18586190
You should probably find another man with whom to sleep on the side. It will relieve your tension, and subtle hints dropped to your husband that you might be cheating will keep him in line, because he'll be afraid of losing you. Let him know that he's not the best you could get.

Try /pol/?

>>18586461
>demented ends step parents will go to to feel like victims
Same with many single mothers
>if he cannot prioritize his child's needs...
OP said he was a father to her son in everything but biology. He provided money and resources for them, and interacted with the kid as a father would. She had a good thing going, then as soon as her ex came back she lost common sense.

The for some strange reason OP felt the need to dismiss everything he did because an old fling is back in the country.

Seriously a biological dad like OP's ex can be emotionally damaging to a child that young, especially one whose only father figure isn't really seen as such by the spouse.

>>18586386
>Why confuse your child?
OP, I have read this whole thread and your comments and the underlying issue is you made this happen for your childs biological father. You could easily argued it is not fair to your child to have him come after three years and leave. Your ex lost his right when in essence abandoned his child. While I think your husband could have handled this differently I also think you likely made the decision without considering your husbands input from the start. He knew when biodad asked you jumped and to hell with everyone else including your child.
Your husband knows if this guy wanted to move in next door you would move heaven and earth to make it happen and say it is for your son.

>>18586409
You are correct anon and she is mad at her husband because he is smart enough to know what she has done.
There are unresolved issues between OP and biodad and she is willing to kill off a relationship with a good man for a shot to see this guy again. Wow.

>>18586467
Worst. Advice. Ever.

>>18586190
>wtf do i do if my husband turned into an inmature drama queen right after we got married? i feel trapped...
First sentence we see OP wants to ditch her husband and the stand in father to her son. All it took was for her worthless ex and biological father to come to town after a 3 year absence. Now the bad guy is her husband. I hope all you guys out there in a relationship or contemplating a relationship with a single mom takes heed. You are nothing but a place holder for her childs father while hes not around. You will never be respected no matter what you do and you will never be number one in her life, ever. When her original man speaks she will obey.