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I'll be frank, I have some issues with my mother. I don't hate her, and she's been a pretty decent parent throughout my short 19 years (male btw, if it matters) of life thus far - along with my father - however I don't feel entirely comfortable with her, as in I have some issues talking with her at times and generally feel kind of bad about her. I'm not sure how to describe it, but I just don't trust her entirely anymore, for one thing.
I used to be very close with her when I was very young, but as I grew older I sorta grew apart a bit more as I should have. Things changed a good bit when she had her stroke around, 2007? I think? I believe it was due to her smoking and she ended up having trouble getting around and talking for a while. She's mostly recovered now, doesn't do much long distance walking, jogging or running but she can walk just fine and her talking is about 90% of the way it used to be. But anyway I remember being pretty upset when she ahd her stroke and my dad thinks it messed up my relationship with her a bit - in that she ended up being a very differnt person for a while afterwords. I still don't hate or resent her over it or anything, that wouldn't even make much sense, however she would act very different that she used to for a while and still kinda does to this day. Doesn't help that she and my dad stopped loving eachother around 08 or 09 iirc, and that again made her - and my dad act a bit different than before.
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Anyway, within those few years after her stroke she also ended up doing something that made me lose a lot of my trust for her and it was that she did some drunk driving and generally was bery irresponsible with alcohol. She was not supposed to drink anymore after her stroke, ESSPECIALLY because of her medicine. And yet she did, and I would end up catching her drinking multiple times. And yet my stupid fucking ass decided not to tell my dad because I didn't want to get my mom in trouble. I still regret covering for her and still feel like a complete fucktard - on the one hand I knew she shouldn't be doing it, but on the other hand I loved her and didn't want her to get in trouble for it. She also ended up driving drunk on atleast 2-3 occasions, and that was just when me and my brother were also in the car. 1st was when she was picking us up from school and we had no idea what was wrong with her until we got home and our dad yelled at her like nevr before. Most memorable time however was when we went to visit our grandparents up in new york and our dad didn't come along. On the 4th of July we went to a party at one of my mom's old friend's house and I guess they all let her or didn't know (my ass) that she was fucking wasted. When we had to drive to our aunts where we were gonna stay for the nigh rather than our grandparents, my brother and I again had no idea she was drunk until we were on the road, at about 10 at night, in a place where we had not idea where to go, with the only adult being a drunk who ended up parking us in a driveway for half and hour and crying about how she thought we didn't love her for whatever reason. It was a long shitty night with way to many details I could fo over but the point is that I still to this day fucking hate that she did that, esspecially after having already driven drunk before. The issues don't stop here either, but this is already a very long post so i'll leave it at this for now.
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My dad thinks that I should see a therapist about all this but i'm not sure. I don't want him to spend the money on me and I also don't want to be locked out of certain choices in life because I went to therapy, like buying a firearm or enlisting in the military which I am planning on doing in a few months. And i've heard about the stigma and restrictions that come with getting professional help so i'm really at a loss as to what to do, I feel like I aught to be able to work through this myself - just suck it up or whatever but I can't as much as I wish I could. I don't feel as if i'm right for feeling this way, I get the feel that i'm ingrateful for the good things that she has done and that I just need to deal with the fact that this all happened and move on. So I guess my question is this: How should I feel about it all? Is my loss of her trust justified? Is there anyway I can move past this and not have such a weird relationship with her anymore? In general, what do I do /adv/, i'm really lost here.
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