Hello /adv/. I'm a 21 yo girl student and I'm losing

Have you been to a doctor to discuss your concerns with memory loss?

Also, why have there been so many people posting on /adv/ about memory loss lately? Super weird.

>>18573857
Hit me up at [email protected] if you ever need to talk to another human bean in private

>>18573857
>Sometimes I feel my freest when I'm alone, locked in my room, even though it's miserable
Do you often find when you're in your room for an extended period, walking out seems so ugly?
There's a weird disconnect between the mirrors of online and then the front door.

>how the hell do I get out?
Majority of feeling and conversation can be akin to an orchestra. The waves of emotion you'll go through, or the void of it, is just another movement.

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>>18573867
Well, if I try hard, I can remember things well enough. It's more like I have a poor working or practical memory because a) I don't know how to perceive/register things in my head and b) everything seems meaningless to me.

For example
>not having anything to say and usually forgetting everything I've ever learned in any conversation I have
>being unable to connect the dots on the go; I don't think, thus a lot of things in my memory lose value and slips away

I admire people that can talk on length about something in a fun and thoughtful and in detail. Such as a chapter of a book, or a game or something. In my mind it's less of a detailed tapestry like this and more of an splotchy abstraction. That's how I remember things. You don't know how painful it is meeting people with your interests and then being wholly unable to even talk about it.

Another thing...
Years ago before I lost all my competence I was a pretty good writer--at least, dozens of my teachers and peers said so in regards to my assignments. "This sounds like an awesome story!" "You should be a writer, this is amazing." Etc.

But, my one friend read the first line and told me I wrote in a robotic way. It'd be different if it was that the rhythm was off or something. But, robotic? That implies no personality at all. Stilted. Soulless. After high school I got similar unsolicited comments (note: this wasn't even on creative writing, just how I chat). Especially online (I.e., on 4chan). "Unnatural". "Like a stressed out accountant." The fuck? An accountant of all things? The one that all those asshole comedians call the most soulless profession? That haunted me. I want to be a little spitfire. Not an hunched-back accountant. N-no offense to real accountants.

Even the therapist I saw once said that rather than being "intimidating" like I thought I was, I seemed "disconnected." I believe I might be subhuman or something. Without a personality, living a meaningless life. That's scary.

>>18573924
I feel that disconnect. Not so much the other part...the more I'm out, the more wretched and ugly I feel. It's like that dumbass stereotype where introverts have to "recharge", except in my case being "seen" is enough to drain my social energy.

>orchestra
>movement
Hm. Interesting. Shame that's more philosophy than something easily applicable in real life. I can't even conduct my orchestra to begin with.

>>18574153
The fact that you felt different before and then experienced a change is the part where I'd want to run it by a doctor, especially if it continues to get worse.

Did you have any experience with any drugs around that time?

>>18573857
Wow, you know, I feel the same. Like I'm just living in a fog of mediocrity. I recently finished school and the few friends I did have have all gone their separate ways and I'm alone again.

I was bullied from Grade 4 until about grade 11 but of course by then the damage was done. I'm so fucking awkward I can't communicate coherently with people in the real world. It's a lot easier when you have time to type it out though.

Even after all that, for some reason, I'm happy. Probably slightly manic, ;).

>>18574237
I also really relate with the lack of good memories. I look back on my life and there's so few memories in general, let alone good ones. It's kind of eerie. I look and listen to people talking about their day and the holiday they went on recently, I don't have any of that. It's just emptiness.

I was depressed for a long time, then I stopped taking my medication (I wouldn't suggest that if you are taking medication) but afterwards everything just started FEELING better. I still feel empty, but rather than a dull, lifeless, depressive kind of empty it's a more free and open emptiness. Like I can fill my life with whatever I want in the future.

I hope this makes sense. If you want to talk more I'm free.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dissociation_(psychology)

does any of this sound similar to what you're experiencing?

What was your childhood like?

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>>18574319
Huh. Maybe?

My childhood was bad but nothing happened directly to me.
>neglected in my house, taught nothing, had to cook for self, played games, etc.
>mentally ill oldest brother, did have a breakdown once where he tried killing himself and I was the only one that could stop him
>otherwise a happy-go-lucky kid
>behaved autistically and was in speech therapy--still can't speak well
>group of friends who I was exiled from near the end of 5th grade because I was framed for something I didn't do

Middle school was better and made some real friends - even ones I hung out with outside of school, it was nice. Then lost all of them but one in high school. Home life was comfortable? I don't remember much

My younger life hurt me when I thought about it.
I.e. events from high school:
>girl that whispered "creepy~" when I was terrified out of my mind and walking up to the front of class for a presentation...it's really crazy for a girl to call another girl creepy, so I realized that something is really wrong with me...
>girl that at prom that my best friend introduced me to kept on being kind to me and saying I looked wonderful...then later on she saw me at school and gave me a disgusted look while she said "you look very...different at prom", which contributed to my current hatred of how I look and desire to never go outside again
>two guys that kept on teasing me about shooting up the school--all I did in that PE class was read a cute series called Discworld, but I came off like some sort of horrible serial killer...what the fuck??

I didn't get any other input from anyone, so...those are some of the examples of things had a long-term impact on me.

Winning awards at school despite my poor memory and not studying whatsoever fluffed my ego enough. I felt comfortable, just as I was comfortable with being chubby. I didn't comprehend that I was an abomination till after high school. Retrospectively my childhood hurt me but no molestations, abuses...nothing.

>>18574213
No drugs ever.

A person loses their identity when they become increasingly isolated from other people and not stimulated. In high school I was still fairly confident and talked with people, so naturally I didn't start becoming undone. Now in college it's different and I'm more awkward than ever so....yeah. I've really dug my grave over the past three years. It was a gradual death, not a sudden one. Like the antropy

>>18574237
>>18574264
I'm sorry that you had to go through with losing your friends. At least you're sort of happy now. I sometimes feel okay every few months, especially when I'm relieved. I had one content moment when I somehow got myself lost on a beach in middle of the night time. All alone with the tides and the cliffs, and I felt happy for some reason, and started singing poetry like some sort of lunatic and crying out of joy.

Barely anything happens in real life that doesn't happen to anybody else. So...forgettable. So quiet. I can't blame either of us for just not caring. I don't think I want anymore emptiness. Not even the free-feeling kind. I want to be passionate. I want to be doing something. I want to stand out in a good way. But for the life of me I can't seem to wake myself up. Between feeling hideous and dead, it just feels like there's nothing that I can do to get to where everyone else is.

I've never taken medication. Maybe I should be on anti-depressants and Adderall or something.

Were your parents both emotionally unavailable to you? Sounds like me....

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>>18574674
I have that feeling sometimes. It makes me want to laugh at how ridiculous it all is. Perhaps it's insanity but it doesn't matter if it doesn't hurt anyone, especially if it helps someone.

The emptiness isn't my end goal either, it's the stepping stone to the future. Now I realize how free I am I can pursue whatever I want in life, once I work out what it is that I really want, of course. That's the hardest part, realizing what you want. For some people it just comes to them, for other's they realize after 40 years of working in an office cubicle.

Wanting to do something and not knowing what it is you want to be doing is terrible. I'm trying to figure out what I want but until then I browse 4chan to at least be doing something with my time that has tangible results.

I can't say for certain you're the best looking person in the world but I can say you're certainly not a 1/10 lepper, you're also not dead.

In my unprofessional opinion you would probably want a mood stabilizer rather than an anti-depressant.

>>18574674
Oops, scratch out "like the antropy". The joys of typing stuff in middle of the night.
>>18574703
Yeah I guess. My dad was the typical distant and awkward type, also an alcoholic but I never saw that side of him. Only my brothers did. My mom was present and nice enough. She just didn't really talk to me much and was usually doing her own thing. I was enabled and free but never really guided or challenged.

Both of them shouldn't have been parents. Sadly, though, sometimes I wish I could go back despite how ridiculous were. At least I was carefree.

>>18573902
This guy is trying to fuck

Anyway anon make sure you're eating well, talk to your family about how you're feeling

>>18574717
You seem chill as fuck. I'm glad you're no longer chained up and are at least wandering around--you could find your path anytime.

One thing I'm frustrated about is that I actually know what I want to do in the big picture and it takes a shit ton of work...a lot of which I just don't know the specifics. Moreover, I hate what I have, or what I don't have. If I was a person of normal capabilities and a real sense of identity and principles, it'd not be a problem, but what the fuck. I'm not that person. I'm like a book full of blank pages that have been shit on and don't even have a proper social circle aside from my best friend. Time just is making me worse and I feel so helpless to the tides. And my own laziness. Ugh.

And you're right about not being 1/10. But, honestly, it's like I'm below the 10th percentile of girls at my school. I lost 50 pounds of my literal baby weight a few months back (being a starving student genuinely works) and am down to 145. My bad skin really holds me back. So I get terrifyingly confusing situations like
>fashionista dormmate applies perfect cover-up and foundation on me, nothing else
>go to student store
>guys in line smirk at me and say something stupid like "hi babe", ignoring my other much more dolled up and skinnier dormmate, and letting me cut in line while I feel like I've descended to the Twilight Zone
to
>being obviously generally mistreated when I'm not wearing anything to cover up my face, possibly even being scary-looking
Honestly feels like default me is significantly below average and that's what depresses me. I just want one of those interesting, approachable faces. Not a shameful one that needs to be covered up all the time.

And mood stabilizer? I'd hate to feel more flatline than I do now.

Have you ever been diagnosed with any mood disorders (including PCOS)?

>>18574826
Really, PCOS? I was feeling a slight pain in that lower ovary area as well and they did a scan and found nothing so...I probably don't have that. As of now I haven't been diagnosed with anything.

>>18574821
Chill, hah, you should see me in person. I forget everything I know and just don't say anything.

So what do you want? The thing I struggle with is striving for what I want but not seeing immediate results. I expect stuff to change as soon as I put my mind to it, which it doesn't of course, so then I feel depressed and hopeless.

As for mood stabilizers, perhaps not, it was an off-thought. You should definitely see a specialist to work out what exactly it is and then go from there.

>>18574847
I have PCOS and it affects my moods badly, which is why I brought it up. I find in general though eating cleanly and going for walks helps clear the mind. I also started taking a supplement called myo inolsitol, which can help anxiety/depression among other things, which personally helped me.

>>18574880
Well, it was a very good guess for what it's worth. My bad skin/acne seems hormonal so I probably do have some sort hormone issue. I'll ask the doctor about it. Thanks for the suggestions!

>>18574866
Shhh. I manage to see beyond the facade and at the real person beneath their stiffness. That, and I know what it's like to forget everything I know when I meet strangers sooo I know what it's like. There's always that not-so-brief surprise that they're even talking to me or assuming they're not talking to me. Sigh. Anyway, at age 18 and 19 I was already doing drawing commissions and turning a fair profit from that--I could have made it more lucrative than any old burger flipping job. But after a while I just...stopped. Inevitably I picked up a pencil again a few months back and realized that I need to draw, or else my days are unbearable. I want to be an illustrator and designer. Yeah, it seems simple. "All I need is to practice while developing my business and advertisement skills." But then all the other problems in my life come into view and distract me. The way I speak, or my looks or mind. It's horrible.

I hate that the start of the last school year I endeavored to see the school doctor/specialist or take the referral from the school counselor to see a real psychologist weekly but...I never did. It's like I didn't care enough.

>>18574923
Wow, that's really great. I hope you get back into drawing again. I've been wanting to do music, I always get these ideas for songs that play in my head but I can't seem to get it onto paper. I have no idea how to read or write music.

There's nothing stopping you from going to a psych now is there? You don't need to dwell on what you should have done at the start of the year. Just go and do it now.