Why do things seem so intensely negative in my head at random

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Why do things seem so intensely negative in my head at random times no matter what? I know I struggle with a few mood disorders but even when I feel fine, I've been exercising regularly, eating well, cutting out a lot of added sugars, jogging/sprinting, connecting with others, getting laid, it always comes back to this and just wanting things to end. Weed has been a saviour but I become too addicted, way more than I was with cigarettes or benzos, and boom, $200 in a week whenever I'm able to hold down a job for more than a few weeks. I'm tired of this nonstop anxiety hanging over me and my mom goes through it too and still has barely been able to survive to this day because of it. I can't let my family pour money into me any longer to "help" me when I'm not helping myself. Professionals have led me down the path of medication which temporarily helps but I flatline back to an unstable mood and just end up feeling even less real, and derealize which makes me freak out around others(mentally, I'm not wailing my arms around lmao) and makes me feel even more insecure(inb4betafaggotkys). So, do I just plan out a quick and painless suicide after telling my family I'm moving out? I wouldn't want my parents to go on without me though, they love the living shit out of me. (I don't live with them, I moved to a different state with other senpai members after suicide attempt a year ago)