I'm not doing anything. I wake up and get on my laptop,

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I'm not doing anything. I wake up and get on my laptop, until I sleep I'm online. When go outside to buy groceries and stuff, it feels like a torture to move. Talking takes too much energy. I space out all the time. I make plans for tomorrow, I think ''I will have energy after a sleep'' but I don't. I'm broke, college isn't going too well, no friends in the city. Nothing my future offers interest me. Things don't get better. I've been in this phase for about a decade. Once I was a talented boy with a promising future. I'm just waiting for my death now. Death is a gift. Sleeping forever sounds good. Can you even call me alive. I'm just dagging my soulless body around. But I still don't wanna kill myself. A little piece of me inside still has hope, perhaps. I want to feel alive. I want to be productive. I want to contribute. I thought buying the stuff that I wanted would make me feel happy. But it doesn't. I want to share. Nothing has meaning alone. I feel a part missing, I want to feel useful, I wanna feel spiritually fullfilled. But I feel like I'm stuck in a loop. Existing alone is very tiring. I just numb my brain with the interney and pass the days. And I hate myself. I was taught to hate myself and whenever I try speak to someone I feel like they will hate me. They will notice how empty I am. How dumb and boring and worthless I am.

I don't even know what kind of an advice I'm asking for. I'm just rumbling. But it helps to get it off my chest.