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OK.
I don't know why I am here of all the places that I could've gone to, but maybe of all the things that have come and gone in my life, 4chan has remained constant ever since I was 15.(I'm 24 now, almost a decade, phew).
So, this issue runs deep, it's a significant part of who I am.
I cannot stay engaged to anything I do after a certain period of time, ever. I don't think it's ADD/ADHD because I've never had problems at school/college while I am in the class, listening to the teacher/professor. Once I returned home though my focus on studies became limited.
This not just regarding studies though, it pervades every aspect of my life. For instance, I liked to draw and sketch when I was 13. I was pretty good at it too. My mom persuaded me to join an art class for professionals. I joined, went for 2 weeks, and then simply discontinued going. There was a time when I got crazy about solving the rubicks cube. I saw tutorials on youtube, learned to solve it in under a minute and stopped. Haven't touched it since. The only reason I did good in school was because of my mom. She always monitored my grades, made sure I did my homework and yelled her head off at me to get me to study for the exams. So when I lived by myself during college my grades dropped drastically. I merely managed to graduate.
I just started working. Initially it was alright. A few months later, I now spend most of my time browsing the web and just meeting the deadlines.
I have been evaluating my life for the past few days. I realized that this condition extends to everything about my life. I don't bother about relationships (friends or relatives), I have no discernible taste in music, no preference for food, I only imitate the dressing style of those around me and have no hobbies or interests that I can think about. I cannot name anybody who I can call a close friend in whom I can confide in. I merely exist.
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So what's your question ?
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[Continued]
Another thing is I cannot sit still and maintain focus for durations longer than 5 minutes. In the span of typing this out, I have changed my place about 5 times. Although if I am doing something that is highly stimulating, for example solving a good puzzle, watching a great movie or reading an interesting book I can hold my concentration. I think I cannot maintain focus for things that I need to do rather than I want to do.
I tried to change. I tried to consciously discipline my self. I started meditating, forcing myself to stay focused on work, run a few rounds daily. It worked for a whole of a month and then I relapsed. I tried it again a few more times and relapsed again. Everytime I relapse the chaos in my mind increases multifold.
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[continued]
I now feel that everything is futile. The very thing that controls my body is actively destroying me. What's more frustrating is that I am an ambitious guy. I had planned out everything I wanted to do, a spreadsheet for fucks sake. I just can't get myself to do anything.
Off late I have been having suicidal thoughts. I almost came close to throwing myself off the bridge near my home. Nobody knows what's going on in my mind, not even my parents, or my room mates, or my brother. I don't divulge much. I don't know how much more I can keep this up. I am wasting away.
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