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Please help me /adv/. I'm trapped in a world of black and white. I feel like my mind is incapable of moderation. Everything I've done so far in my life has been the result of an obsession. If I begin to take serious interest in an activity it drowns out my interest in everything else. This isnt always necessarily a bad thing at first, mind you. Take my last obsession for example: working out. At first it was healthy; I followed my regimen rigorously and had amazing results. My confidence skyrocketed, I gained 35 lbs in a lean bulk by the time my first year was done.
But as with all of my obsessions, I eventually took the activity to unhealthy extremes. I would spend countless hours at the gym every week. And when I wasnt physically in the gym, my mind still was. It consumed my every waking thought for half a year. My love for studying music and reading were pushed to the side. I would delude myself into beleiving that I wasnt slowly mutating into one of those dull zombies whose life is dictated by the barbell. Yet deep down inside, I knew my fear was reality. In the gym, I would drive myself to the point of throwing up between sets, and would hate myself for showing such weakness afterwards. As time went on, my confidence in my physical image dropped below what it was when i first started. I cant put a number to how much time ive wasted staring at my own reflection in an emotional rollercoaster of euphoric highs and complete self-loathing. Any small defect that would catch my gaze eclipsed all other progress (body dysmorphia is very real, my friends).
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This isn't even to mention the effect that my self-projection issues had on my social life. What started out as unreasonable refusals to take of sweat shirts in hot rooms has now degenerated into canceling on friends because of how much I fear they will judge my imperfections. I havent dated in a year because in my mind there is a number. It is a number that always lurks slightly beyobd my grasp, dangling enticingly in the near future with promises of lustful fantasies and acceptance. Whether that number is one I must reach on my squat or bodyweight is immaterial. I always manage to find another one to justify turning down women who have clearly been interested in me in the past.
After a while my obsession began to take a physical toll as well. I drove myself to consume 4000 calories a day to fuel the mindless shitshow of my weightlifting career. I worry now that my appetite is permanently fucked (I literally cant feel hunger because of how much Ive come to despise food). I get noxious at the mere thought of eating foods that were once beloved staples in my diet. All the red meat and whole milk caught up to me; a recent trip to my doctor informed me that I have the blood pressure of an aged black man; at the age of 19 I'm now at risk for having a stroke.
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I'm disgusted by the thought that I've turned sonething as healthy as exercise into a threat on my life. I'm saddened by the hundreds of hours wasted pushing pieces of iron up and down that could have been better spent studying my passions. Now I've completely stopped lifting. I'm sleeping like a vampire and severely undereating out of sheer apathy. The thought that I'm losing all the progress I've worked so tirelessly to attain over the year depresses me deeply, and saps my motivation to lift even further. I'm becoming fat, and this time I don't have the luxury of dismissing it as the gym goer's body dysmorphia.
The truth is that I am a man of very little willpower, /adv/. I finally realize that now, after years of tricking myself into believing that obsession meant strength. In my mind, where there is no obsession, there is almost zero drive. Like I've said, this is just one episode of many in my life have been driven by pure obsession: there either is, or is not.
My question is this: how do I learn moderation? How do I find balance in the things that give me pleasure, without one consuming the others? If you have read this far, I thank you for your time and any advice that you have to offer.
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I think the only way you learn moderation is by practicing moderate behaviour. This ties into willpower as well. Begin to discipline yourself in terms of what you spend your time on and you will 'learn' the skill over time. It obviously won't be a painless process, but at least you are aware of the ways in which you want your life to change.
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>>18557638
It's ok, you're just autistic. There are others:
http://wrongplanet.net/
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