I would like to see a therapist at some point in the future.

OP-- gonna give it a read, hang tight.

Initial advice: you don't really 'select one.' Just like people, their experience and interests and personal strengths will lend them to and against certain things. You could have the same problem discussed by two therapists and end up with totally different results. Or totally similar results, who knows.

You'll likely have to get your feet wet on this one, I'm afraid, so steel yourself for that. Just try to keep the open approach.

That said, gonna read.

>>18543554 here,

For starters, haha. It sounds like we have a lot in common to a point. We divide at the families-- you are surrounded by the 'black sheep' who embody worse traits of humans... in my family, that's me-- I'm the black sheep, the one everyone mutters about, wonders about. I'm sure they're waiting for me to end up in a noose, jail, or the news on the run. Not to mention how many of them assume I'm gay because I have troubles connecting with women because I've been nothing but fucked over in the past in relationships. Gosh!

To be straight with you, I don't think we get to win against this shit. This anxiety that eats us over the most banal shit. And here we wonder, are we normal? We're perfectly privileged, doing things others would only dream of. We're not allowed to be broken, right?

I can't offer you much. I'm interested in psychology casually, but I'm not an expert. I'm mostly just in the same boat as you as I said, though my family tends to leave me in the corner more than push me into it like yours-- which is one relief I am glad to claim. But, for one claimed, another forsaken. Right?

You're going to need to try a lot with therapists. I had to run through three before one of them finally stopped me mid-story and said, "You know THAT part isn't normal... right?" And I fucking didn't, because most shrinks are just out for a buck and fucking blow. I don't blame them, though, because a lot of patients just want an easy excuse out of something. So it's a bit on both sides there. You could end up searching for a while, so I'd get the specifics on your uni's plan.

As for a paper trail, it'll be left but I think as an adult only you (or authorized bodies of law) can access it. It's your information.

But, I'm Canadian, and a guess says to me maybe you're American, and that means you're coming from a vastly different infrastructure. Take my word with a grain of salt.

>>18543579
Thanks for your response. I'm actually Canadian as well and currently residing in Southern Ontario (shithole I know).

The bit that you said about not being allowed to be broken hits home. It's something that I've said to myself as well.

It also reminds me of something that friends have said to me. When we first met, they thought that I'd be a complete asshole and we'd never be friends. A few weeks later and I'm one of their favourite people in the world, but they know there's something wrong with the relationship. They describe it as being like I somehow manipulated them into to liking me. I suppose it's because there's no reciprocity in my relationships. I seem to understand them intuitively from the moment we meet, but they know comparatively nothing about me. The tidbits of information that I offer are carefully selected to keep them running in circles on the mask's surface.

>>18543548
If you are male you choose a male therapist. You do not need some broken woman with a degree to experiment on you. They cannot be objective.

>this first paragraph

Anon, you are a giant fag. I have really hard time understanding how a guy can be so beta. You sound so cringy that I'm not surprised people don't like you. It's hard to sympathise with someone who whinges and acts like a faggy victim all the time.

>>18544575
>You sound so cringy that I'm not surprised people don't like you. It's hard to sympathise with someone who whinges and acts like a faggy victim all the time.

I never complain at all in public. If anything, people probably think that I'm arrogant when we first meet. I don't think that you fully understand the way in which somebody's behaviour can be partitioned between different settings. The more people who are involved in a given interaction, the more comfortable I feel. I'm at my best when performing stand up comedy, acting, or in debate/public speaking competitions, all of which I'm highly successful at. Conversely, the more personal and intimate an interaction is, the more troublesome I find it.

>>18543548
I think we are still rather different, but I discovered a lot of things regarding which I can relate to you, anon.

The fear of inconveniencing people with your mere existence. I often starve myself because my parents are in the living room (which shares the same space as the kitchen) and I don't want them to see me. If I am forced by hunger to come down, I usually grab something to quickly snack on; I only prepare more substantial meals when my parents aren't present.

The fear of others knowing who I am. I used to always check out at a different cashier each time in high school because I didn't want them to know I bought the same lunch every time. Eventually, it got to me forcing myself to eat foods I didn't like to make sure they don't learn of my preference. Additionally, the person my parents know me to be is utterly different from who I think I am and who I appear to act like on the Internet. I pathologically lie to anyone who's close to me or otherwise evade their questioning; at this point, I'm notorious for being the "I don't know" guy.

And yet, as you, I desire being understood. I'm not sure if I would ever be, even if I started being upfront and honest with people, but sometimes I dream of cloning myself and experiencing genuine camaraderie at last.

Uncannily enough, I even have a similar repulsion to blood that you describe. I can handle it fine if I see it, in real life, movies, or games, but I get light-headed and feel uncomfortable when I imagine it. I almost passed out once when listening to a story of my art teacher accidentally cutting herself since I inadvertently visualized the scene in my head.

In any case, I wish you luck in receiving counseling. I've thought about going to a therapist as well, but I doubt doing so would resolve any of my problems as I don't have enough motivation to put in the necessary work likely required to rectify such deeply rooted habits.

Perhaps the reason others see you as a psychopath is your deliberate precise speech. I admire precise speech personally.