I was in a long distance relationship with a girl,we both really

>>18537402
You can't love each other in an LDR. Can't happen because you never get to see the worst of each other, and you can't say you love someone until you are dodging a waffle iron she just hurled at your head, and you STILL want to be with her.

She's a time bomb or someone who emotionally manipulates others to get attention. Either way, it's not healthy for you to stick around her. Bail the fuck out, or get ready for years of this shit without anything ever getting better.

I really do love her. We've been through alot so I know what I'm getting into... Even if I wasn't romantically interested in her I would still want to help even just as a friend

>>18537411
>I really do love her
No. You don't. What you are saying is the equivalent of calling yourself a fighter pilot, despite never going into the air. It is literally impossible to be a fighter pilot without actually flying a fighter jet. It is literally impossible to love someone until they are a hair's breadth away from murdering you, and you still don't want to leave.

>We've been through alot so I know what I'm getting into....
Have you been through this type of situation with another woman before? Because, if not, no you don't. I have. 3 women were like this. First one caused me years of heartache. 2nd one literally cheated on me, left me, cheated on her new bf, got pregnant, and told me if I didn't raise the kid she would abort. I got the pictures on texted to my phone. Fucked me up for years, mentally. I still can't get more than a buzz going when drinking without turning into a mess, even though I've forgiven myself.

3rd one I just straight up walked away from. They threaten suicide. They threaten all sorts of things to try and manipulate them into staying with you, and they might even go through with them (like the abortion). But you can't fix people who like the drama that comes from them being broken.

Walk the fuck away.

>>18537420
>It is literally impossible to love someone until they are a hair's breadth away from murdering you, and you still don't want to leave.
By that logic it's impossible to love someone who doesn't have homocidal tendancies. Not every person becomes violent when upset. It sounds like you've just been with some really fucked up women.

>>18537426
All women become that crazy at some time or another. Might take pregnancy, but it will happen.

But why would she want a break from our relationship if she's trying to manipulate me into staying?

>>18537407
As someone in a LDR of 1 1/2 years, you can definitely see the worst in people while you aren't together, it's not always about physical things (not op)

>>18537434
Keep telling yourself that. I've never met a single person that started in an LDR, and didn't have things change drastically when they finally began living together.

(OP) I'm not leaving her,I want advice on how to help her...

>>18537402
If you're gf is suicidal I wouldn't let her close herself off. She needs emotional support even if she's trying to push it away. Does she have friends or family that she's close to that can also help? Remind her that you value her. If she's not on any sort of anti-depressent encourage her to see a doctor about it. Those things can save lives.

>>18537453
What if leaving her is the best way to help her? Would you leave her then?

I ask, because it is. If you think you know better, go for it. It's your life, and you're entitled to spend it giving positive reinforcement to a drama queen while she constantly exhausts you until you feel you have nothing left to give (at which point, she'll leave you for someone who will give you attention).

(OP) she absolutely refuses to see a doctor,no matter what I say. She lives a very sheltered life, doesn't go out much and she lives with her mother who was never attentive to her,even as a child

>>18537474
Exactly. The only way she got attention as a child was for things to go critical. I wonder why others have been saying that she's going to continue to do this, and its never going to get better as long as you continue giving her affection and support?

>>18537474
Do you know why she won't see a doctor?

>>18537480
Because he would either say nothing is wrong, or he would make her better. Neither of which she actually wants.

She says she's scared of doctors,she had a VERY abusive brother who beat her black and blue and left scars and broke her bones. And she would never go to the hospital even when she got burned once

I appreciate your advice, but I can't leave her. I don't think I or even her could handle it

>>18537496
Does this sound unbelievable to you? It sounds unbelievable to me that her brother was literally breaking her bones and burning her, and Mom wouldn't notice and take her to a doctor.

If something sounds unbelievable, it normally is. Literally every post you make convinces me more and more that she's just a drama queen that feeds on the attention of white knights.

>>18537501
Then you're dooming both of you.

>>18537496
Would it help if you offered to accompany her to the doctor? Getting her treated is priority number 1, but the experience has to be positive or else she's unlikely to actually take the mediation.

He only broke her bones once,and her mother found out, finally. He would give her a black eye and she would cover it with her hair. Her parents were very neglectful

>>18537496
Did she go to school as a child? If so, she's lying to you. Teachers notice when kids are black and blue. They notice when there are broken bones. They notice when they walk in with burns. They don't ask the kid what happened - they report that shit and child services gets involved.

My ex room mate and best friend is a teacher. So, even if the mother was neglectful,if everything she's said was true, she would have been taken from the home for literally having broken bones that weren't casted, burns that weren't treated, and bruises all over her body.

>>18537446
Me!
We met online in 2008. Met up in person many times till 2011, when we moved in together.
We grew up a lot (I was 15 when we met, now I am 24) and obviously our relationship changed over the years, but not drastically when we moved in together or when we first met up in person.

I would if I could,but we're too far apart :(

>>18537530
Start tagging the posts you're responding to. Just click the post number of the person you want to answer.

>>18537532
Oh, thank you

>>18537526
^This. If you want to be willfully gullible, fine, but then you don't need any advice. If you want to wise up, then you need to accept the fact that she's lying to you and avoiding getting a diagnosis either because she knows that there's nothing wrong with her, or she doesn't want to get better.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Munchausen_syndrome

>>18537549
She's not really a drama queen though, she'll never talk about it unless I bring it up. And even when she does,she's really hesitant to talk about it. She always puts others Infront of her self

>>18537564
Does she have a support group, or is it just you?

>>18537564
Then don't bring it up. At all.

>>18537569 Literally me and probably 2 other friends

>>18537570
I have to talk about it if she wants to get better

>>18537580
Why?

>>18537583
Because if she keeps it all to herself maybe she will kill herself. With no one to be positive around she will only have negative thoughts

>>18537569
How can I bring up going to a doctor without her getting wanting to push me away and ignore it?

>>18537593
So it's impossible to just leave shit in the past and move forward? They MUST confront it? Or did she take a break, and lay all this shit on you when you asked why?

>>18537580
If she doesn't want to talk about it and you keep pushing the subject you're probably making her feel self-conscious. Keep treating her the same as if she weren't depressed, and if she brings it up be sure to listen to what she says and not minimize it like the asshole in this thread.

It's possible she's afraid that you are going to lose interest in her because she feels so messed up, and she's trying to break it off before she gets hurt more. Best thing you can do is not lose interest, and lend her an ear when she's ready to talk. Sometimes the best thing you can do for a person is just listen.

>>18537606
I knew before we got together that she was depressed,She can't just move forward when it eats at her everyday

>>18537611
Thank you

>>18537615
Then she can go for therapy. You aren't an expert, and aren't equipped to deal with it.

>>18537620
If she ever asks for your advice, though, the answer is always to see a doctor. Depression can wax and wane like tides. When she's in a better state of mind she might be more open to the idea of seeing a doctor. Therapy and medications do work. Help her to understand that a visit to the doctors is better than the alternative.

Just don't push it when she's not looking for help. It can also help her to just feel normal and be treated like a normal person, so don't treat her like she is her disease. Wait for her to open up to you.

>>18537647
I'll try my best, thank you for the help

>>18537508
People stay with abusive partners and believe they love them, it doesn't sound unbelievable

>>18537402
>long distance relationship
Oh for fucks suck
>we both really love each other
have you even met in person?
>and after months of back of forth we eventually decided to be together
You can't be together if you haven't met
>but she warned me and I knew she was depressed that she is afraid she'll hurt me because of the depression.
That's a cop out clause to make it easier to get rid of you
>But I didn't care.
idiot
>2 weeks in and she says we need to take a "break" so she can fix herself for me
Fix herself for someone she hasn't met

>Then yesterday she said there is no future for her and she just wants to die. It broke my heart
Okay, I'm going to pretend like it's a real relationship where you are close together for now:
She sounds suicidal, she needs professional help, love, hugs and kisses won't fix her, you probably make things worse and don't actually listen to her, try and bring up anecdotes or don't "get" her which only fucks her off more.
>What can I do to help her get better without triggering her Everytime we talk about her depression?
You don't trigger depression, you trigger suicidal thoughts, get her professional help
>How can I help this girl without hurting her?
There's no definitive answer, get her professional help, she will be upset, but it's the best bet, unless you want to feel guilty for the rest of your life because you let someone kill themselves.

>>18537402
Okay anon, she wants to fix herself, but can't. Ive been there, anxiety and depression, it's like being stuck between a rock and a hard place.

She is suicidal, admit her into care, in the short term she might hate you, in the long term when she's "cured" she will understand. Apart from that, let her open up to you, let her have someone she can't talk about how she feels with, and don't give her stupid recommendations like "try exercise", because she's not an idiot, she's googled and most likely tried, or has a reason for not trying.

>>18537508
People stay with abusive partners and believe they love them, it doesn't sound unbelievable

>>18537407
>>18537420

You've been abused really badly. I'm sorry anon. I understand not wanting another relationship (I'm a fellow abuse victim myself, and one who's choosing to be single for now), but, not all relationships are like this.

>>18537501
OMG, this post gave me flashbacks from this shitfest of a thread we had a while ago.

>>18537402

As someone who has dated depressed girls, here are some harsh words you need to accept:

Depressed people are SELFISH. They are inherently, fundamentally selfish. Realizing this is a part of getting over depression, in fact.

Your girlfriend does not care about you. She cares about how much you can help her depression. She does not care about the pain her depression puts you through.

You will be there for her, and try, and try, and try to help her over and over again, and nothing you do will work, because depression is something that only can be fixed by the person who has it. When your efforts fail, she'll leave you, and if you get angry at her for it, she'll rewrite her memory of you, make you into a "bad guy" who "made her depression worse."

Depressed people are selfish. Do not date depressed people. Full stop.

>>18538252
My boyfriend is depressed and pushes me away all the time. I don't know if it's selfish of me to want him to talk to me or if it's him being selfish.

Maybe you're right we should just stay away from them all together.

>>18538343

Him pushing you away is not necessarily an act of selfishness.

Listen, I was probably a bit harsh in my original post because I was bitter over past relationships. But if you are:

1. Dating a depressed person
2. The depressed person is not making an effort to get better

Then that person is being very, very selfish, because the fact is that their depression causes pain to the people who love them. Now of course part of depression is not wanting to seek out help. But if this continues for a long time, and they KNOW how much it's hurting you, and they still don't get help, it's selfish.

It sucks, because it feels sweet to make them feel better. it feels nice to be needed, and it feels nice to think that through their depression, you're the one that can make them smile. But they are HURTING you, and if they let it go on long enough it means they simply don't care about that, which is selfish.

And yes, in my experience, when you can no longer crack through that person's depression (and it will happen, as it gets worse) they will turn on you, and eventually they'll one day be describing you as a "bad gf/bf" who made them more depressed.

Fuck, I'm still so pissed about that.

>>18538371
It's been happening for months and they're convinced it's going to go away on it's own without seeking professional treatment but by the looks of it, that's bullshit.

>>18537434
Does really want to change her life? If so :
What is damaging her?

>>18538406

What's months?

If it's been a few months, I wouldn't say it's that bad. But you should definitely let them know (gently) that their depression doesn't just affect them: it's hurting you, too. It's definitely time to have a conversation with them. But try not to fling accusations at them, try to just get them to see the world outside of their head, get them to realize their problems are also problems for the people they love.