Help me be more confident with my gf /adv/! We've just

However, I like to think that we are both mature enough to be real with each other. I just really don't want to lose her, because I know it would be entirely my fault. I just want to be able to pull her in and kiss her with the passion which I feel. I'm sort of worried that this is just an expression of some immaturity which I'm in denial about, but I like to think of myself as a fairly mature, reasonable guy (humble too!) It frustrates me that my friends can put on facades of passion and feeling which girls find convincing simply for physical fulfillment, whilst I, with genuine feelings to express, lack the faculties to communicate them.

>>18530342
>>18530348
Your feelings are quite normal and average, lots of people have problems with being too self-conscious.

Usually people are too self-conscious when they have been too sheltered most of their lives, so they become the people-pleaser types who are overly worried about how they appear to others. This is fine though, everyone go through it, especially teens.

I could rant about that precise worry you describe for very long, but after you nod & agree and close the 4chan tab, you will forget about it and it creeps back again to you that you are inadequate or "ugly", because it's an irrational kind of feeling, you can't reason your way out of this. You can listen to a long-ass motivational speech on youtube and even that won't help 1 bit, because it's a behavioral/cognitive thing, not a philosophical thing.

In very short, what helped me is to make it your habit to constantly break your comfort zone. Read the wiki definition before I go on:

>A comfort zone is a psychological state in which things feel familiar to a person and they are at ease and in control of their environment, experiencing low levels of anxiety and stress. In this zone, a steady level of performance is possible.[1]

>Bardwick defines the term as "a behavioral state where a person operates in an anxiety-neutral position."[2] Brown describes it as "Where our uncertainty, scarcity and vulnerability are minimized — where we believe we’ll have access to enough love, food, talent, time, admiration. Where we feel we have some control."[3]

You can't fully express what you feel inside to your girlfriend precisely because that expression is outside of your comfort zone, and you are not used to break your comfort zone in general.

How to break comfort zone? Occasionally do some crazy shit. Not dangerous, but courageous/bold/extroverted.

I'd say overcome it in small steps, find reassurance in success. E.g. you might sweetly ask her "Would you like a kiss?" when you're cuddling, and then when she happily smiles and says yes, the whole thing hasn't been any less romantic, but maybe easier. (I can't feel your feeling here, but for me it is this way.) Then next time you'll be less afraid about just kissing her without asking. Or btw you can also 'ask' by looking her in the eyes like that, yknow, and you'll see that she'd like a kiss and then you can go for it--

Never force yourself to do anything either just because you feel it'd be 'romantic' or you should do it. Go with your own passion. And if you can't directly, find small steps to get closer.

You can also consider a smaller sign of affection than a kiss, that might then lead to one.

Just spend more time together, don't force yourself, it'll become easier, you'll sense how she feels more--

>>18530363
Thanks for the response! When I think about it, the comfort zone thing more or less fits the bill. It makes sense because being sociable and having deep conversations etc. are within my 'intellectual' comfort zone, which I'm guessing is much more expansive than my emotional one.

Do you think talking to her about this is a bad idea?

>>18530363
Some examples on how to break comfort zone:

>When you are done eating in a cafe/diner, thank the lady behind the counter for your meal
>Ask you girlfriend to tell you one creepy story from her childhood
>Go to a forest/empty road at night and scream 5 seconds from the top of your lungs
>Go to a family member and offer help with a specific chore around the household you think needs doing.
>Go to some random bar just to order one beer, drink it and then go straight home as if you had just fulfilled a vidya quest

>>18530393
See, this is the thing. I would struggle with none of those things! Before I started dating this girl I would flirt with randoms with a very high success rate - I find it easy. I think growing up (I'm still really young) I more or less rested my entire self esteem on my mental capabilities, and this has been a double edged sword. While I can easily be a charismatic guy, I die a slow death when it comes to getting intimate physically.

>>18530373
>Do you think talking to her about this is a bad idea?

Don't talk to her about this. You can only talk about these issues with a close friend/family memeber, preferrably someone who is same sex as you, but your girlfriend are gonna take this the wrong way if you talk with her about your self-consciousness issues. Women are usually 100x more self-conscious than a man can ever be, so when you tell her, she's gonna think that something about her makes you anxious, or she outright starts to worry that she has a negative effect on you. Again, you can't talk her out of this, it's a cognitive response, it's not a philosophical one. You can talk somebody out of preferring a certain brand of food or convince somebody of certain political views, but never about "how they should feel in reaction to something".

>>18530368
Thanks, this is really good stuff. This is kind of what I've been trying to do to mitigate my issue, but I've shied away from 'asking' if she wants to kiss. It just seems so beta and lame to me. Asking with the eyes, however, seems like it could be really romantic. Thanks for this!

What about this, though - what if we are cuddling and we aren't in a position where I can look into her eyes? How can I get her into a more appropriate position? I've been in this predicament numerous times haha.

>>18530398
Alright, I won't. What are some things you think I can do to communicate that she isn't at all 'having a negative effect on me'? That's the last thing I'd want her to think, because the opposite is true.

>>18530396
I don't doubt, but it's related to the level of intimacy, really. To become intimate with somebody, you need to first have complete faith in yourself and own up who you are, even the imperfections. Life is not a romantic comedy, you don't have to be perfect, and she neither. It's okay to be a little anxious, own it up and think of it as your little quirk. You find soon enough that her breath smells bad or that she doesn't wash herself often enough or any of these other imperfections about her as well.

There is a good movie scene about this if you want more context
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ltNhwj-F7c8

>>18530402
This is easy to answer - involve her more in your life. I don't mean your emotions and such so much (maybe later in relationship) but telling her what you are up to, what are your immediate goals in life, how's it going in your school/work, maybe even jokingly ask her to solve a school problem for you. If you have a hobby, mention it to her, ask her to listen to a song you made or drawing you drew. Also, return the favor and show interest in her life as well.

>>18530413
Hm. I'm doing these things, and she seems to be responding pretty well. However, I think I could definitely be showing a little more interest in HER life, when I think about it. I'll tell you a few of the things I've done if you're still around.

One thing was that she told me a while back that she used to be a big drawer but kind of fell of the wagon and stopped doing it. I expressed my sadness at this by buying her a set of drawing pencils to hopefully inspire her to start drawing again. She seemed really grateful, and actually drew me a really nice picture with them as a thanks. Was this a good move, do you think? I wanted to show that I care about her without doing something really cliché.

>>18530408

Thanks so much! That scene hit me hard, gets pretty real. Such an interesting dynamic between the two at the end. Thanks for that. I think I'm just going to try and come to terms with myself a little bit more. I don't think I'm a TERRIBLE person, but I know that I'm far from perfect. I just find it so hard to come to terms that she could like me for who I AM, not just who I SEEM to be, if you know what I mean.

>>18530399
Well, caress her neck maybe?
I was just using that example to illustrate my general point -- if you're too shy to go as far as you'd really like, find a way to at least go as far as you can.

>>18530455
Wise words, my friend. Thanks. This whole area is sort of new territory for me, so it's pretty challenging. I'll get there, I think, if she's patient enough to take my shit.

>>18530442
Yeah I'm around, you can tell me more if you feel like, you are welcome btw, I am just replying since I have gotten lots of help myself on the internet for my own issues and I have studied into psychology and stuff a lot on spare time.

That gesture about a set of drawing pencils as a gift was a good one, because this showed her that you paid attention to what she was trusting to say to you. Actions speak louder than words.

It's a favourite move of mine, I thought you can relate to that scene. By the way, I don't think she knows very much about you, so in the same way does she have an idealized version of you in mind, just as you have of her. Also, if you are young, you can't really know who you really are, because you don't know your limits or haven't had that much experiences yet. You can totally just claim that you are defined by your set of hobbies and that just does fine.

>>18530342

>15 / 0 / 3 / 2

Fucking HELL.

Piss on a whore, OP. You'll feel better.

>>18530493
I'm 16 (underage, I know. Report me if you want.) so I guess that classifies as 'very young'?

You're right, she doesn't know a lot about me at all. That's what worries me - she's attracted to the slightly delinquent smug kid who doesn't seem to give a fuck about much at all and comes to school stoned, not the philosophical, scholarly kid who considers himself an intellectual (not a narcissist, which may surprise you hahaha - I'm aware of the tone of this post) who reads Chekhov and Hemingway in his spare time, and tries to write poetry.

We don't really have a huge amount in common when I think about it. I definitely think she's a bright spark, and I'm really trying to get her to draw and read more; expand her mind, that kind of stuff. She has 'untapped potential' in my mind, and I think she would find it extremely liberating to fulfill that a bit. She certainly doesn't 'break the mold.' I don't know how old you are, but I assume you're a fair bit older than 16. I want you to try to appreciate the utter disintegration of intelligent thought in my generation - I don't use any social media or anything and I swear I'm one of the only people I know who isn't obsessed with their virtual image. Books have gone so far out of fashion that I'm not even surprised that half the kids I know can't string a coherent sentence together. I guess these are the consequences of a detached upbringing. Your kid's crying? Put an episode of Peppa Pig on your phone, that'll shut the son of a bitch up. Know what I mean? I think the main problem is 'instant gratification.' The rise of technology has resulted in my generation being bombarded by a constant stream of stimulating but ultimately meaningless information. It's an addictive formula, and before long peoples brains just slip into the groove. Suddenly, picking up a book seems like the most boring thing in the world, because to your overstimulated brain, it IS. I feel like a black sheep, I must say.

>>18530544
What? I don't understand what you're trying to say.

>>18530493

continuing from this : >>18530547

I just don't know where I really fit in. I go off and smoke weed and talk shit with my mates (I've stopped smoking actually, wasn't the best for my brain) but I always go home and disappear into my own world. I go out and act normal, but I just feel so different. I've tried to diagnose why I don't fit in - I've considered the prospect that I am just smarter than the average joe, but I think it's more the way my dad (a man I look up to greatly) raised me. I think that's one of the reason I find it so hard to open up to this girl. I feel so detached from her and everyone else in 'my' generation that I wonder whether she'd just be so muddled by the real me she'd lose feelings. At my school I'm seen as that friendly, witty kid who is really smart but lives in his own closed existence, sort of. I'm definitely not some autistic kid - I am socially ept, and some. Fuck, I seem like such a narcissist reading this back. Maybe I'm deluding myself, but I'm just trying to be objective. I actually have a fairly low self esteem.

>>18530547
Ignore >>18530544 he is shitposting.

Nah, it doesn't surprise that young kids are going to 4chan, it has always been like this around here no matter what the global rules say, just don't go to /pol/ or /r9k/ and you're fine (those places are toxic).

I am 24 myself, and I get your point. You'll be surprised to find that these thoughts you have about the world you describe are not unique at all, or don't make you intellectual, just observant, since these thoughts are extremely common - maybe not around your age, but almost everyone in my generation who is not retarded grasps this, that everybody is really alienated these days and all that.

I want to get back to make a point about your situation - the fact she vaguely likes the guy you describe is evidence that SHE IS NOT PERFECT - sooner you learn this, the better. You can choose not to listen to me and treat her as if she is a goddess on earth, but then you just learn the same lesson the hard way, like many people do in your age. Actually, it's maybe even good to learn this the hard way, but you have the option not to, by accepting her with the goods and the bads.

For example she little bit likes that other guy - that is fine, it's her business. You focus on what is going on between you two. Only when you have an actual relationship going on and it's not just dating, only then you should ask or worry about "cheating".

>>18530493
Also, because of my slight reputation as a druggy character, whenever I try to express my more philosophical side I'm branded as a 'tripper.' I think people are sort of threatened by the stuff I say, so they find it easiest to pen it as insane ramblings. Meh, maybe I'm born just to never fit in. All I see on social media (when I look over peoples shoulder - I don't indulge as I've already stated) is my 'friends' sharing shit which says:

"I hate small talk. I want to talk about life, death and the universe."

Shut the fuck up - you just want to talk about yourself. You don't want to challenge your world view but you want to seem 'woke.' Pick up a book.

Yeah, I've definitely segued from the original topic into something totally different. Forgive me, I just wanted to vent. I know my writing is a little bit disjointed - it's because I'm rushing. I assure you I can write decently when I put my mind to it.

>>18530592
You've misinterpreted. The 'slightly delinquent smug kid who doesn't seem to give a fuck about much at all and comes to school stoned' is ME from an outsiders perspective.

>>18530576
There is nothing wrong with you, for real though, it's super common. There have been people way more fucked up that you before. I once read about a 40-year-old man who had never left his basement since he graduated the high school because he had agoraphobia. Condition he has is really fucked up, your situation is a very common story that many kids your age share.

I know you don't believe me, because 16 year old me wouldn't believe this text either, I am just saying that if you are feeling down, you gotta keep it separate and not to drag this over to your relationship, because all that "woe is me" stuff is not related to the girl, but about you. Keep the relationship light. For all that emotional baggage, channel it into somewhere else. Start a youtube vlog for ranting, write it down somewhere, listen to music, draw something etc.

>>18530605
Sorry I brought the wrong example then, but point stays the same.

>>18530597
Maybe you should get into some creative hobby then? When I was over at art school, I interned to yet another art school from there, and was surrounded by these 16-year-old kids. They seemed to really like these pseudointellectual talks and stuff (no offence).

>>18530592
It's good to know that people your age are thinking along similar lines. Hopefully my peers wake up a bit as they age also.

>>18530616
I think it's a good point to not let my emotions carry over into the relationship. I remember once we were talking and it ended up being me talking about how I thought everything we ever do is totally meaningless and it's up for us to prescribe meaning to it. That every moment is equally as important (or unimportant) as the next, and realistically we are all already dead. She pretty much said that was so depressing, so I had to clarify to her that I am not an unhappy person at all, and I think the world is a profoundly beautiful place. I think I weirded her out a bit hahaha. I'm not trying to get pity from her, I just want to talk about the bigger things, you know. You say that stuff is not related to the girl, but to ME; is it not true that she wants to know ME? I don't want to be in a relationship where I feel I can't be open about my (sort of weird) feelings about the world.

I think I'm going to start writing more.

>>18530624
I'm at a specialist music school studying for a professional music career. I also dabble in drawing and writing. I certainly have found more like-minded people here than I did in my old school, but there are still a lot of people caught up in the bullshit.

No offense taken; I'm fully aware that I'm just a kid who knows nothing and is acting way too big for his boots.

I'm going to head to bed, it's almost 11 PM where I am and I have a really early start tomorrow.

Thanks for entertaining my largely pretentious and vapid writings - it just feels good to get some of this stuff off my chest. I'll definitely try to apply what you've said to my relationship. I'm really hoping it works out - I've never felt feelings this strong before, and I'm excited to see where things progress to.

I'll be around for about 10 more minutes if you have any parting words. Thanks again.

>>18530627
> that stuff is not related to the girl, but to ME; is it not true that she wants to know ME? I don't want to be in a relationship where I feel I can't be open about my (sort of weird) feelings about the world.

Imagine you read an article somewhere that talks about animal cruelty. Now if you have thoughts regarding that article, and carry on to a conversation "btw haven't u realized that it's really brutal how people don't care about hunting the endangered species as long as they make a profit", she really doesn't get where you are coming from. Why are you talking about animal cruelty? If you mention her that you read from an article, she's gonna ask "why do you read about that topic? do you have a school assignment?" and if you say "no, I was just curious", she's gonna just treat this as a trivia fact, but still remains clueless about why you are really reading about animal cruelty.

Now imagine if you say the same thing:
>"btw haven't u realized that it's really brutal how people don't care about hunting the endangered species as long as they make a profit"
Except that when she asks why are you curious about this question, you follow up with:
>"my dad is a hunter, I have watched animals die, it's pretty damn awful"
Then this will get a much more dramatic reaction from her. She might feel intrigued or even more awful about learning that fact, but that does not make her feel less about you - other way around, she will view you as genuinely thoughtful.

Not saying it's bad to be curious about life and death and stuff, but whenever you feel like speaking about an abstract topic to her, try to always back this up with actual experience from your life ("my friend almost had a car crash so I started thinking about life & death blabla"). If you don't have one, try to channel your emotion or curiousity towards some creative hobby instead.

>>18530635
That's nice, I think it suits you good to pick up drawing/music. Good luck with the girl btw and you're welcome!