My boyfriend's dad died suddenly, 7 months ago. My boyfriend

tell him he isnt more of a man hiding his emotions and that faking it isnt a good strategy dealing with losses since you can clearly see hes having problems

its actually a very bad sign for long term since someone who wishes to run away from his problems by distracting himself are more prone to alcoholism, cheating, drugs etc etc

>>18526756
I don't know if being aggressive would help. I'm scared it'll push him further away.

We've been together for 5 years and he has been nothing but loving and compassionate.
He's hurting a lot. I just wish I knew how to get him to share his burdens with me.

That's how some people deal with loss in their lives. Some openly grieve, some hide it as a coping mechanism. Be there for him if he ever needs it, and you've done a good job trying to openly be there for him, but this seems like one of those things where he has to deal with it on his own and if he needs you in this regard he'll tell you.

>>18526767
So I just have to sit around and wait till it passes?

What could help with the bad dreams? He doesn't tell me what he dreams of, but I imagine it is his dad dying since he witnessed it.

>>18526787
I mean I really don't see anything else or new that you could do. This seems like one of those things where it has to be put on the back burner until either he brings it up or it passes for him, and in the mean time instead of sitting and waiting around just go about your lives as you usually did before everything happened.

>>18526796
I just feel so guilty. He's hurting so much and he shouldn't go through this alone, I feel horrible for not helping him.
We're doing a ton of things together - we travelled a lot, we got back in shape, we picked a new hobby, we're learning a new language. He's restless so I'm trying to keep up with him, so at least he has company.
But I wake up and he's awake in our backyard smoking and shaking, or he screams in the middle of the night because of his bad dreams.
I just wish I could help him cope somehow.

>>18526796
I second everything anon said OP. People handle loss differently.

>>18526748
He sounds like me, except it's been 5 years and I'm never busy with anything.

>>18526766
stating the obvious isnt aggressive, you are scared? currently you aint being a good partner, you are assisting his suffering, that doesnt scare you?

>>18526852
Did something help you?

>>18526869
I told him I'm here for him and he doesn't have to go through this alone, that whenever he feels like talking I'll listen to him and be there.

And, yes, I'm scared he is suffering and he is alone with his pain. But I don't think that me insisting for him to open up would help him.

The reason he's not showing any emotions about it, if I had to guess, is probably because he's a prideful person and feels lost with the loss of his father, so he's holding onto some portion of his identity as a coping mechanism. When my grandfather died (who was my father figure since my real dad was in prison for years and I didn't see him for 15 years), that's pretty much exactly what I did. Didn't show anything outward, didn't make it seem like it affected me, and that's just because that's what strong men are "supposed" to do.

When you have that sort of personality it can be difficult to open up and show yourself being vulnerable. It's going to be something that mostly has to pass with time but if I can say what would have helped me more going through his death is just offering to talk about how he feels (this can validate him) and being compassionate. I don't know if these strategies are like clinical or whatever, but I think that's what I would have wanted, even if just for the sake of the gesture.

>>18526889
He's not ready to deal with it it seems. He's likely in shock. Eventually it'll hit him like a ton of bricks and he'll have a breakdown and hopefully be able to move on. Make it clear to him that you hipe he's dealing with it in a healthy manner, let him know you aren't going to pressure him, and whenever he's finally ready to visit the grave of his dear dad you will be there for him with all of the strength you can muster.

It may come that this his way of greiving and he'll slowly come to terms with it on his own. Either way, pressuring him will make him uncomfortable and put a strain on your relationship. It's his father and his life. You can't ever truly know what another person is feeling, especially if they seem incapable of comprehending it themselves. Patience is the best medicine here. Time heals and it moves faster for no one. Be patient and be a rock for him in this horrible time in his life.

I know a lot of women think that a man doesn't need help and that they themselves can be vulnerable and emotionally dependant all the time... Hopefully you aren't under such delusions. Do some favors for your man to make more free time for him, to show him that you love him, and to earn more of his trust. You might see a side of him that you never expected. It might scare you. Be strong for him. As strong as you can.

>>18526889
You don't need to listen to him spilling his guts though to be supportive. Being there is support. I'm not sure how disruptive the nightmares are. After 7 months, I would think that they would be happening only occasionally instead of an every-night-no-sleep sort of thing. Because otherwise how is he functioning with no sleep?

If the nightmares are still a common occurrence, you can suggest that he talk to someone about it -- it doesn't have to be you, and it sounds like it might be better for him if it's NOT you.

He's most likely still not able to grief. My father died about a year ago, my brother a year before that. Each time I had trouble to feel something or even talk about it, but eventually it will all come out. Those things take time.

>>18526903
I'm sorry for your loss.
I did offer to talk about how he feels a couple of times, but he generally pushes me away and tells me "there's nothing to say".
He has always been very prideful, he wants to be everyone's rock and hates feeling vulnerable. We were good friends for years before we started dating and I've always been the only person he talked to about his feelings, but yeah - it was a struggle for him. The most I got out of him was a hug and holding hands when he had a particularly bad nightmare.

>>18526907
I had a similar reaction immediately after my brother killed himself, I was completely in shock and just couldn't deal with it, I didn't cry at his funeral and just pretended it never happened for a couple of weeks.
But now it has been a while for him and I'm worried that he won't ever let go and deal with it. Like he's so scared of facing the feelings that he will just keep avoiding it.

I want to be there for him, I'm going to be as patient and as strong as I can be. I love him with all myself and really just want him to share his burdens with me. I can see he is suffocating under them.
I'm just scared that doing... whatever I'm doing right now will not be enough. It kills me to see him hurting.

>>18526934
He never slept much in general, he never slept more than 5 hours. Right now he usually gets 3-4 hours of sleep, waking up every hour and half for nightmares. Sometimes they're not too bad and he'll fall back asleep after 20-30 minutes, sometimes I wake up to him having a panic attack.
He didn't sleep at all for 2 days after his dad died.

I suggested to talk to a therapist but he doesn't want to. I suggested to talk to his brother but he doesn't want to either.

>>18526935
I am sorry for your loss, too.
I'll give him time.

>>18526965
Gifts. Lots of gifts. Gifts of love, of sacrifice, of labor, just show him that life will still go on. Show him that he can be happy. I'm sorry that you feel helpless. My girlfriend was in an accident a few years ago, ran into a tractor going 70mph, brpke her leg and her foot so bad that she will never fully recover. It was hell sitting there and watching her scream and cry because she was in so much pain. It was even worse to get the phone call and just not know if she was going to be okay. I understand that feeling and wouldn't wish it on anybody, but trust that you will get through this. You will make it, I promise.

>>18526748
My dad died 7 months ago, the most I expressed my emotions was yelling at the top of my lungs while driving from the hospital after he died. It hurts. For about 6 months I dreamt about him every night. A couple of weeks ago I had a dream that he said he loved me and was proud of me and I heaven't dreamt of him since. I still think about him every other day and it still hurts, but time lessens that hurt.

This reminds me of a shitty poem I had to read about a man and a woman who lose a child. The man continues on doing work and the woman shuts down and is extremely emotional. The meaning behind this is that people grieve in different ways, women feel and let their emotions often consume them, men distract themselves and continue on.

Let your bf know you are there for him and if he ever wants to talk that you are there, but let him grieve in his own way.

>>18526889
>Did something help you?
Shit, anon, idk.

I'm not perpetually sad but my friends know better than to bring it up. I just pretend like it never happened and that's been working fine for now.

If I'm entirely honest, my life hasn't changed that much anyway. The worst feeling for me is this sense of guilt and self-doubt, like "I really should be more sad about this. Am I a psychopath?"

>>18527188
I honestly wish he scream and cried. I would know what to do if that was the case.
I just feel that he's hurting, and he isn't letting me be there for him. It makes me so sad that he has to go through this pain alone. We've been friends since we were 7 and none of us ever went through anything alone, we always had each other and relied on each other.
It feels weird.

>>18527336
I'm sorry, anon.

He thinks of him all the time. I can really tell, his face just changes whenever he thinks of his dad. They were very close, talked to each other every day, worked together.
They got into a car accident and his dad died before the ambulance could arrive. My boyfriend saw him die. I am pretty sure he just keeps dreaming that moment over and over again.

I did tell him I'm here, it's just a really consuming situation. Surely he feels much worse for me, and it doesn't matter how I feel, but I wish I could do better.

>>18527355
This sort of broke my heart for some reason. It sucks.