Hello /adv/. A lot of this post has whinning, I feel like in

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Hello /adv/.
A lot of this post has whinning, I feel like in order to understand where I am right now I have to explain why. I will try to make this brief and short.
>Have a past of bullying throughout my school for eight years
>Was nearly assaulted by father when he was drunk when I was like thirteen, was threatened to be killed by him.
>End up in an abusive relationship for five years.
>Had always conversation issues with parents, poor communication.
>In fifteen I am diagnosed with literal high-functioning autism
>Start losing weight, improving myself. Let go of my shitty relationship
>Sucesfully graduate
>I am twenty now.
>Start realizing how utterly bad I am at normal situations in life and how incompentent I am.
>Start feeling like a waste of space like I always have, assumed that getting better looks and graduating would improve my own self-image a little bit.
>Only getting worse in-fact, I feel like my autism symptoms somehow are getting worse too.
>Apathy intensifies, depression has grown to the point I cannot force to care much about things
>Start hating my own gender I was born in, I thought I was done with that too.
>Depression and anxiety grows, been making suicide plan every day.
I don't even know /adv/ I don't even know why I am posting here, I think that desperation has grown a lot and I feel like this is the place of peace I can turn to as I am annonymous here and that calms me down, many times I've tried to come clean with my issues to people around me, yet I never really was properly listened to, maybe I just can't express myself properly.
I just do not know how to be content with myself and try to be happy. I work out daily but I feel like an utter failure for my parents anyway. I absolutely despise my autism. I would have been a much better person without it, not sure if I can honestly live with it.

Sorry for whinning so much for this post.