Am I approaching dating the wrong way? For a long time I've

I think your problem isn't so much of picking out the car, but finding the right dealership. You can either be in the "dating" group of people actively trying to set up dates using tools made for doing that, or you can be someone who is looking to make connections with the people around you. I think that's where you're going to find people that start hitting the points on your checklist.

>>18511817

Well, I don't really want to have a checklist, is the thing. Sure, I have a general idea of what I want, because I'd be stupid if I didn't, but I want to meet someone who I never expected in my life, I guess.

I guess I'm just asking if that's unrealistic, especially since I'm 30. I see people pairing off since they had these ideas of a family or whatever, but it's clearly them saying "this is the best I can get," which is an exact phrase I've heard from 3 people.

>>18511882
You probably already have an inner "checklist" so don't worry about the specifics. Just be active and find people to make connections with. When you're doing this, you'll find that you start meeting people you never thought you'd ever meet. This is the same when it comes to relationships.

>>18511809
I'm the same way as you, OP

I like my women like I like my ferraris.

>>18511921
At someone else's house?

>>18511809
>Am I supposed to just pick whoever fits the most of the traits I think I'm looking for, and try to make it happen?

Yes.

>>18512074

Then what's the point? Is it just genuine desperation to be in a relationship? If I date/marry someone that I'm just compromising for... wouldn't I be better off alone?

>>18511921
Fucked through the hole right? Come on I can't be the only one.

>>18511809

not if you don't want to. there is no 'rule' to dating, there is no one size fits all, and for different people different things work.

for some people they find legit fulfillment in finding someone who is compattible regardless of emotion because it fulfills a baser need for companionship and intimacy while still letting them focus on their life as is. to these people passion and romance isn't all that important, its kinda like food. you aren't dedicating your life to food, you just eat what you can afford and what tastes the best in relation to that while trying to be a little healthy.

but for some people, people like you possibly, emotion is key. Maybe its because you have built your life around the idea that romance is the most important thing, and as a result you have to have really strong feelings for it to mean anything. OR, maybe its the exact opposite. perhaps your life is so well constructed and fulfilling that only something intense and strong can distract you from that. regardless for you a relationship isn't worth it unless there is strong feeling.

no matter which route you choose, there are break ups and there are success stories. netiher is really more successful than the other as far as we know as there is no way to really survey the masses asking 'hey did you choose her based off of compatibility instead of emotion, and if so how is that going for you?'

and even if one was more successful in terms of longevity, its beside the point. for some people it fulfills the baser need of sex and companionship. For others (you) it fulfills the need for passion, the need for strength in emotion, the need for something special.

cont.

>>18512117

the 'passionate' relationships may be shorter lived (if you want to believe that) but they are what makes you happy. If you chose someone based just on whether or not you can get along as 'friends who fuck' for the foreseeable future you may last a lot longer but its not going to make you happier, it won't fulfill that more important need of passion.

some people start off passionate and turn towards compatibility. Some are the reverse of that. Many go back and forth between the two over the course of their life.

all are fine. all are good. it really doesn't matter where you fall, so just go for what you enjoy.

>>18512092

>wouldn't I be better off alone

maybe. for me, yes. other people are more 'pack animals' though and they feel really sad if they're just home alone for more than one night. I'm the opposite, I can't stand to share my bed with someone even if i really really like them.

I doubt I'll ever get married. not even sure I'll truly date again. its just nicer having my space and just fucking when the occasion arises for me.

>>18512092
In what way are you compromising? You're finding someone that meets the criteria of someone you want to be with.

>>18512124

well, if you pay attention to the thread you'd notice that he'd be compromising on the emotional / passion aspect.

having things in common, even having someone with the looks you desire, doesn't guarantee chemistry or passion.

>>18512137
And I'm saying that instantaneous passion tends to be overrated as fuck. Emotional bonds are built over time, and that immediate rush that comes from infatuation fades after a few months.

It's chasing a Disney-sponsored dream that largely isn't real.

>>18512179
Instantaneous passion often leads to overlooking very obvious redflags and making very poor decisions.

Its ok to date someone you don't know if you like at first. Sometimes love develops over time.
As long as you don't take it too far too soon, I'd say you're good.

>>18512179

soft disagree. there are a LOT of people who are messed up from a steady diet of disney and rom coms, but that doesn't mean waiting for someone you have emotions for is wrong.

like this anon says:
>>18512117

neither is really 'wrong'

>>18512117
>>18512118
I appreciate these posts. Well founded advice. My life IS very stable and successful. I definitely would like to share it with someone, but as a complementary piece.

>>18512122
Yeah, I don't get sad being alone. Sitting in my bed after a nice meal of what I wanted to eat, like right now, is quite a nice night.

>>18512124
They're just filling off arbitrary ideas. I could very logically say I want someone who enjoys comic books, because I do, but what if I find someone who enjoys horseback riding and I discover I like that too? It's a wild world out there.

Gonna break this up and cont.

>>18512223

>Sitting in my bed after a nice meal of what I wanted to eat, like right now, is quite a nice night.

dude, twinsies, big ole bowl of spaghetti and meatsauce with way too much chili pepper and watching orphan black.

its nice.

>>18512179
>>18512189

Not having feelings for someone right off the bat makes it feel like it's some kind of business agreement. I don't fully believe in "red flags," since I think everyone is individually complex.

I'm not saying I believe in love at first sight, just that I should be excited about a person, look forward to spending time with them, get excited about a date... All of that kind of stuff. A "that'll do" seems like a waste of my life.

I mean, I definitely started the thread for perspectives, so if I'm just an idealist that needs to throw away those feelings, I guess I will, but at least one person in this thread has validated that my approach is equal but different to others.

>>18512223
>>18512250

These two posts are linked from OP, btw. I forgot to quote myself.

>>18512250
I mean, of course you should be attracted or at least interested in the person before you date, sorry if I explained myself incorrectly.
What I tried to say in >>18512189 was that don't be reluctant to date someone if you don;t find that INSTANTANEOUS PASSION OH BUTTERFLIES IN MY BUTTHOLE kind of shit right of the bat.

>>18512274

That's still strongly my concern. It's not one date necessarily, but going through the motions hoping I'm going to fall for someone eventually seems rough.

I was on a dating site the other day, swiping through or messaging people I thought I'd actually like, whereas my friend was passing on people that didn't fit predetermined criteria - even some really great people.

>>18512295
Trust me anon, I know shit might seem concerning, I go through it alot as well.

But truth is you never know until you try. I'm not saying to go and be someone's partner just to see if you like him/her. But take things slowly and give people a chance. Even if it seems like nothing at first, a few dates won't really hurt. You never know how it will turn out.
And if nothing comes out of those dates, hey at least you tried. Could even make friendships out of it.

>>18512295
Part of dating is figuring it out. It's normal to try it and decide it isn't working out. Then you can try with someone else.